The Plight of Perfectionism

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1 The Plight of Perfectionism What does perfectionism mean to you? Consider a person that you consider a perfectionist what attitudes, emotions and behaviours do they have that indicate to you they are a perfectionist? Sometimes it s easier to identify traits in others before shining the light inwards. Do the following exercise: 1. Sit down somewhere comfortable and close your eyes. 2. Think of a calm place, a beautiful colour, a sound you can perhaps hear in the distance can t you. 3. Breathe deeply so that your diaphragm (the area under your lower rib cage) rises and falls. 4. Place your hands over your diaphragm and feel your fingers extend and contract as you push the air out. 5. Breathe for about 30 seconds feeling the calmness, seeing the colour and hearing the sounds. Open your eyes and 6. Now ask yourself: How do you use perfectionism in your life? 7. Write down the answer whatever it is. When a client did this exercise, the word that came to her was retreat. What she tapped into was her retreat from love, from judgement and from being seen. Could you be hiding behind perfectionism because you want: To be more loved? To protect yourself from being judged? To keep yourself invisible? Now it s your turn, what came into your mind when you did the exercise? List the ways in which perfectionism may be playing out in your life.

2 Recently, I read a blog written by a 23-year-old Sydney man recently and it s worth considering: Untidiness is a hallmark of perfectionism. The logic is that if we were to tidy things away it would have to be done absolutely perfectly and of course would never be done to our satisfaction. So rather than create an imperfect system, create no system at all and live with the fantasy that the perfect system is possible and one day you will get around to creating it. If follows, therefore, that procrastination is another trait common to perfectionists. Rather than complete a task and have to live with its inevitable imperfections, don t do it at all. In that way the myth of perfection can stand without being reduced to its imperfect reality. Somewhere on my desk right now is a time management planner (I hope I can find it). People who compile planners like this do not understand the plight of the perfectionist. The process, they claim, is simple. Decide on the goals you wish to achieve this week and write them into your diary. Also make time in your diary for various other important things such as family time, keeping contact with friends and business associates, time to relax and so on. It s so simple in theory. But for the perfectionist it s a minefield. What if the goals I choose aren t the most important? Which goals should I be choosing, and are those goals the right goals? What if I schedule family time but the family decides to go out at that time? What if my business associates are inconvenienced by my call? The variables are huge. How can I plan my life so far in advance and know it will all go according to schedule? I know let s not plan. Let s not choose the goals and not schedule the appointments and in that way we will not be seen to fail. This young man s view places perfectionism in a very different arena. It s not the traditional overfunctioning type of behaviour usually associated with it, rather it s a defeat-before-starting behaviour. From this perspective our self-talk is extremely important. Be aware of your thoughts and develop a vigilance about observing the thought by doing this you ll notice it shrink and begin to fade. If you can keep this pattern of observation going you will become more aware of your self-talk and shift the negative patterns more easily. In the following section, highlight areas and topics you identify with. On a separate sheet of paper draw a mind-map and consider ways you can ditch the thinking that s supporting the behaviour. Once a light is shone in a dark corner, and you can see what needs shifting, it becomes easier to do when you get that feeling or thought that triggers inaction.

3 Reasons for Our Procrastination Habits For every action there is a cause a trigger instantly brings decisions and behaviours that lead to consequences that many of us accept without question. If we re not aware of these triggers life can become difficult to manage. On the other hand, when we can identify these triggers we can free ourselves from self-destructive patterns. 1. Fear Driven Procrastinations Fear can lead us to feeling out of control over some aspects of our lives especially if they re causing discomfort or pain. Below are the five most common fears that tend to lead to habits of procrastination. Fear of Success Procrastination is most commonly associated with the fear of success. When you fear success you tend to put as many roadblocks, problems and challenges ahead on your path because of your internal fear of the change that will be associated with possible success. The fear of success naturally expands into the habits of disorganisation and an overall lack of productivity. As such, if you catch yourself just keeping busy trying to get your life in order rather than focusing on the most important tasks that you must complete, then this is a clear sign of the fear of success manifesting in your behaviour. Fear of Failure The fear of failure stems from the behaviour of perfectionism that lead to unresourceful emotions that can send you down an uncontrollable spiral deeper into the habit of procrastination. When you fear failure, you struggle with the idea of being inadequate and not living up to the high standards you set for yourself. This naturally leads to hesitancy, which either breeds inaction (due to overwhelming emotions) or promotes perfectionism where you tend to spend more time on activities than is necessary. When you catch yourself being overwhelmed with negative emotions while in the act of overdoing the little things, then you are at that very moment in the process of manifesting the fear of failure.

4 Fear of Conflict Sometimes we simply sink into the procrastination cycle because we fear the possible conflict that awaits us if we undertake the specific task or activity under question. This conflict can be external, which involves other people, or internal being specifically related to conflicting interests that are fighting for power within your mind. Either one may well stop you in your tracks and lead you down the spiral of procrastination. Fear of Judgment Related to the fear of conflict is the fear of judgment the fear of what others may think of you, your behaviours, decisions or actions. If you catch yourself thinking more about what others think, rather than actually undertaking the task at hand and meeting your own standards, then you may possibly be fearing judgment. Fear of the Unknown This fear is linked to the above mentioned fears. What all the above fears have in common has very much to do with the unknown. If we cherish certainty and predictability, this fear can cause people to feel frozen and unable to act. When we suffer from a fear of the unknown, we tend to be very hesitant in our approach and with our actions. In many instances we will attempt every strategy in the book to try and distract ourselves from the task at hand. Often our unconscious goal is to gain certainty within the moment (which is accomplished through small irrelevant comfort seeking activities) in order to counter the uncertainty of the next moment.

5 2. Action Driven Procrastinations Seeking Perfectionism and Micromanaging Perfectionism involves the process of meticulous irrelevant actions that will not make a significant difference to the end result. Seeking perfectionism means you re never quite satisfied that anything is ever good or adequate enough to be fully implemented or appreciated by repeating the task to attain the unobtainable perfection they aspire to. Yet, perfectionism is actually in the eyes of the beholder. What may indeed seem quite imperfect for them, may in fact be ideal for someone else. Finally, when it comes to perfectionism, it s helpful to understand that 20% of our activities will often produce 80% of our results. Over Planning Planning is an important aspect of goal setting and achievement. Yet, if all you do is plan, then is another form of procrastination that subtly pushes your goals and objectives beyond reach. Overworking Sometimes procrastination can get a hold of us simply because we overwork ourselves. Our bodies are biological mechanisms that are programmed and conditioned with set limitations. When we overwork we deplete our resources and thusly experience a period of withdrawal where no matter what we do, we simply fail to unleash the motivation we need to continue pursuing our goals and objectives. The key here is to schedule regular breaks throughout the day.

6 3. Habit Driven Procrastinations Our procrastinations can also form ritualistic habits of behaviour that tend to go unnoticed as their patterns are so very deeply ingrained into our psyche. These self-sabotaging habits can lead to uncontrollable spirals of procrastination that are difficult to understand because the behaviour causing these actions is hidden away within the recesses of our unconscious mind. There are many habits that can trigger this unresourceful state, however for the purpose of this discussion, let s just take a look at the most common habits of procrastination. Guilt Driven Self-Talk and Criticism The language we use is intrinsically connected to our emotional patterns of behaviour, which are likewise intrinsically connected to our emotions and thusly manifest in the actions we partake-in on a daily basis. Some of us have a habit of regularly talking ourselves into a state of procrastination through guilt driven self-talk and criticism that deflates our motivation and leads to deep feelings of inadequacy. Within this state, we simply fail to find the answers that we need in order to help us work through the procrastination cycle in an effective and efficient way. Low Self-Esteem The guilt driven self-talk and criticism naturally leads to regular habitual bouts of low self-esteem. Living within this state is one of life s greatest challenges, where everything becomes an arduous chore and an uphill battle that never seems to end. All of this cycles down through to procrastination, and may even lead to far more severe repercussions such as depression. 4. Feeling Driven Procrastinations Due to the changing events and circumstances of our lives, at times procrastination is triggered as a result of deep emotional experiences that we tend to slip into throughout our day. Many of these feelings are brought about by common challenges we face that we simply fail to manage in an

7 effective and efficient way. Unable to control these external events, we naturally experience common emotions that dig us deeper into the depths of procrastination. Feelings of Overwhelm When we tackle too many tasks or chunks of information at one time, then this can naturally trigger feelings of overwhelm. As this feeling begins to take control, we are naturally tempted to remove ourselves from the overwhelming tasks or activities under question. This leads to ongoing bouts of procrastination that will continue until we learn to manage, organize and arrange the tasks and information that initially triggered this state. Feelings of Inadequacy We feel inadequate when we find ourselves incapable of dealing with the challenges, problems and obstacles that life throws our way. This may lead to bouts of procrastination that focus us on insignificant keeping busy tasks and activities, or may even dishearten us altogether from our goals and objectives. Feelings of Frustration We become frustrated when confronted with tasks and challenges we believe are within our capabilities, yet we struggle to manage them effectively. As a result we manifest the feeling of frustration within our psyche. As an isolated state, frustration is a good place to be, as long as we don t allow it to get the better of us. The moment it spirals out of control, is the moment our frustrations can manifest into fears of failure that can ravage our actions in indescribable ways. Feelings of Boredom The final state-of-being that regularly leads to bouts of procrastination, is boredom. We tend to procrastinate when we are bored. This is essentially triggered when we undertake easy repetitive tasks and activities for extended periods of time.

8 To overcome this spiral, we simply need to think creatively and spice up our activities by adding a little more intellectual and emotional stimulation. When things are fun, they always get done! 5. Procrastination Triggered through Lack Some forms of procrastination come about because we simply lack something specific in our lives. These items we lack can be very simple things that we take for granted, or they can in fact be linked to deeper psychological tendencies that we must learn to control and work through in an effective and efficient way. Lack of Focus We tend to procrastinate because of a lack of focus and attention. This comes about when we focus on too many things at once, when there are a myriad of distractions drawing our attentions away, and when our goals and objectives haven t been clearly defined. Lack of Confidence We tend to procrastinate because of a lack of confidence in ourselves, our abilities, skills, knowledge, experience, or simply through a lack of confidence with bringing the task to fruition. Yet, confidence is essentially a state-of-mind. Identify the areas that you are not feeling confident about, and draw up a plan of action to build confidence within these aspects of your life.

9 Lack of Adequate Resources We tend to procrastinate because of a lack of adequate resources that will help us to complete the task at hand. If you find yourself procrastinating because of a lack of resources, then simply spend some time going out into the world and collecting the resources you require to get the task completed successfully. Whether this means tools, skills, support from other people, or maybe gaining further experience in a specific area. Simply go out there and bring back what you need in order to fulfil the promise of your tasks and objectives. Lack of Purpose and Direction We tend to procrastinate because of a lack of purpose and direction: aka, no personal legend. When we have no specific direction, we struggle to find our way, and we also tend to focus our time on irrelevant activities that provide us with very minimalistic results. This can lead to periods of busyness that waste our precious energy on procrastinating activities that have no real purpose or value. 6. Unfulfilling Life Experiences and Circumstances When we are unfulfilled with certain aspects of our lives, this can naturally lead to uncharacteristic self-sabotaging behaviours that lead us down the procrastination spiral. Being unfulfilled in our relationships, with our career s, or just with life in general can distract us from many actions that would further our success in these areas. If you are finding yourself overwhelmed with feelings of dissatisfaction in any specific area of your life, then you must begin focusing on finding happiness and fulfilment within this area, or remove yourself mentally from these experiences and focus on the tasks at hand.

10 7. Childhood Programming Finally, procrastination can also evolve through a set of interlinking childhood experiences that we naturally accepted into our psyche at an age and time when we knew no better. This very much involves unconscious experiences that we struggle with on a constant basis throughout our lives.