Secret Solutions Workbook

Transcription

1 Secret Solutions Workbook 1

2 Table of Contents Introduction 7 Exercise Page 1 Daily Time For Recovery 9 2 Cleaning The Closet 10 3 Early Prayer 11 4 Reading Recovery Material 12 5 Call Someone 13 6 Going to Meetings 14 7 Evening Prayer 15 8 The Five Principles 16 9 Maximized Thinking Retraining The Brain Damaged But Responsible Getting A Support Person Flirting Exposing Stomping Grounds Boundaries and Consequences Consequences Boundaries: Who I shouldn't see Boundaries: Entertainment Boundaries: Internet Boundaries: Objects Boundaries: Being Sexual with Myself Boundaries: Sexual Boundaries: Around Men Listing My Boundaries & Consequences Boundaries about Boundaries Accountability Time My Modus Operandi Restoring Trust The Other Problem - Intimacy Anorexia Step One Meetings In 90 Days Using Check-in-Times My Sponsor HIV Test My Partner Prayer For Those We Objectify Rationalization Practicing Rationalization Letting "Her" Out Confronting "Her" Ganging Up On "Her" 58

3 43 Control They Loved Me Victim Profile Identifying & Communicating Feelings Dangerous "E" Zones Action Plans for My Feelings Avoid H.A.L.T My Worst Moment What My Addiction Cost Me What Else Is Good About Me? Depression Calling Card Turning "It" Over Relapse And Research Blame Game Verbal Reality My Other Addictions Step Two What My Addiction Gave Me Thank you Letter What My Addiction Has Taken From Me Good-bye Letter Empty Chair Picture This First Experience Love Addicted? Touch Grief Stages Meeting My Needs Step Three Five Years From Now: Unrecovered Picture Yourself: Unrecovered Five Years From Now: Recovering Picture Yourself: Recovering Five Years From Now Collage My Thoughts My Family and Addiction Sex Addiction In My Family My Sexual History Sex Cycles and Strategies Types Of Sex Sexual Systems Sexual Assertiveness Rejection Desensitization (Learning to Hear "No") Sex Talk Sex: Spirit, Soul and Body Sex Tips 110

4 90 My Sex Plan Professional Counseling Step Four Step Five The Gospel Growing Up How to Treat Others Growing up with Anger My Relationship With Dad My Relationship With Mom My Relationship With God Abuses and Neglects My Perpetrators What You Did To Me Ranking My Perpetrator(s) Letter(s) To My Perpetrator(s) Anger Work Step Six Step Seven The Victims How I Hurt Them Empathy Letter The Children The Other Women Healing From The Unborn Self Forgiveness But God Step Eight Step Nine Step Ten Developing New Interests Step Eleven Step Twelve Giving It Away 160 Appendix A. Feelings List 162 B. The Twelve Steps 164 Support Groups 166 Heart to Heart Resources 167

5 Introduction Secret Solutions: More than 100 ways to end the secret workbook for female sexual addiction recovery has been written for women desiring techniques for support through their recovery. As a therapist, researcher, author, and lecturer on the subject of sexual addiction, I have counseled many sex addicts nationwide and believe in the solutions exercises in these pages. These solutions exercises and principles have been carefully compiled and have successfully helped many female addicts begin and maintain their recovery from sexual addiction. This book is laid out in the chronological order of progression that women generally recover from their sexual addiction. The journey of recovery teaches us "first things first". I encourage you not to pick and choose which solution exercises you will or will not do, but rather to complete and thus receive from each exercise the insight it has to offer. The deeper the recovery work, the deeper the healing. This workbook can be used in conjunction with therapy or as part of Twelve Step relationships or groups you may be a part of. My hope is that you receive the precious gift of recovery as many others have, and that you maintain it the rest of your life, for your benefit and for the benefit of those you love. If we can be of any help along the way, feel free to us at heart2heart@xc.org or call You can also visit our website at Some of our resources on sexual addiction include books, DVDs, telephone counseling, as well as Three and Five Day Intensive Workshops. For a more extensive description, see the Appendix of this workbook. We look forward to helping you. Douglas Weiss, Ph.D. Heart to Heart Counseling Center Colorado Springs, CO

6 1 Daily Time For Recovery Recovering from sexual addiction will be one of the hardest undertakings in an addict's life. In the midst of her addiction, the typical sex addict has clocked hundreds, possibly thousands of hours of repetitive, sexually addictive conditioning. Many female sex addicts rely heavily upon their sexual acting out as a primary coping mechanism before beginning the journey of recovery. Recovery is hard work, and more importantly, it is consistent work. Remember, it took consistent behaviors to spiral you into your addiction. It only makes sense that consistent work is going to be a big part of your recovery and reconditioning yourself into a lifestyle of sobriety from sexual addiction. In light of this, you are going to need time to practice many of the exercises in this workbook daily, which will enhance your recovery process. These exercises have been successfully proven to work, but only if you take the time to do them. This is congruent with the fact that in most areas of life, what you put into something is also what you get out. You may need to have a daily calendar, schedule in your phone, or a daily reminder. Schedule 15 to 30 minutes a day to work on your recovery from sexual addiction. This fort will make a big difference on the length of time it will take you to experience freedom from the secrets ef- that have imprisoned you. This is not the total amount of time you will need to work your recovery; we will discuss attending support groups later. Scheduling these support group meetings on your calendar or other device and attending them will also be a very important t part of your sobriety from sexual addiction! My daily time for recovery will be: Sunday Thursday Monday Friday Tuesday Saturday Wednesday I can make myself accountable to this schedule with Secret Solutions Workbook 7

7 2 Cleaning The Closet The "closet" of a female sex addict can be filled with many things that have to do with her addiction. It is my experience that for some female sex addicts, the ritual of dressing to seduce or lure her prey is a vital part of her preparation to act out. In recovery, an addict must clean out her closet, removing all items that may be triggers for her addiction. For some it is sexy clothing, but in reality, there can be many types of outfits she has purchased to act out with. It is imperative now that you strongly consider what you may have in your possession that might be an active part of your addiction or tokens of affection from past lovers and that you remove these potential triggers that undermine recovery. The following items have triggered other female sex addicts. It may be helpful to identify your triggers so as to avoid a relapse. Triggers: Certain under garments Sexy clothes to attract others Any gifts from past lovers Memorabilia from an affair Shoes, if they are specific to acting out Certain sheets Other Items used to act out with Pornography, romance novels Vibrators, other sex toys Jewelry Power outfits Workout clothes The items I need to rid my closet or home of are: I have cleaned my closet on / / Share this with a recovery or support person / / 8 Secret Solutions Workbook

8 3 Early Prayer Prayer is something that many female sex addicts find difficult to do. Some have avoided God because of the shame and guilt of their behavior or what was done to them in the past. Prayer is a behavior that, when implemented, can change the addict s disposition. We know that an addiction is basically self-will run riot. This expression of addiction is basically doing your own thing, which is counter-productive to a woman's recovery from sex addiction. Make prayer the first thing you do each morning. Prayer, at this point, does not mean that you have to believe in God. It simply means to pray. When the old timers in Alcoholics Anonymous went to their meetings, they didn't say, "Well, if you believe in God, pray." They said, "Get on your knees and pray." If you don't believe in God, talk to God about it. Say, "God, I don't believe in You, but I'm supposed to pray. I want to be a recovering sexual addict. Would you help me stay sober today?" From that point on, you can discuss any of your issues that you want to talk to God about. God is able to handle the hurt, anger, fear, anxiety, and any other feelings you have. For many addicts, sexual addiction starts early in the day, not necessarily the first thing in the morning but maybe in the shower, on the way to work, or while driving. Prayer is preventative. It is a way of acknowledging that you are a sexual addict and are in desperate need of sobriety. Without sobriety, the addict is on a path of self-destruction, not only in her own life; more than likely, those around her have been devastated, either through her anger, depression, or acting out behavior. The recovering addict is in a fight every day, especially the first 30 to 90 days, which is the toughest part, so make sure you connect with God. Your prayer doesn t have to be long. Prayer may or may not make you feel better instantly, but it is one of the Five Principles (which we will be discussing in a later solution exercise) that if you begin to apply to your life, you will begin to reap the benefits. Prayer is one of the many new tools that you can have as a recovering woman. The time in the morning I can pray is Secret Solutions Workbook 9

9 4 Reading Recovery Material Reading recovery material that is specifically related to sexual addiction is important. There are currently many books on the market addressing sexual addiction that you can read. It is very important to read some recovery material every day. It is best to read in the morning. Addicts need to be reminded of what may be in store for them that day. There will be times that the recovery thoughts you have just read about are the very tools that will help you out of a tough situation, such as a fantasy. Those thoughts will empower you to fight for your recovery that day. It is important you engage your mind during your recovery. I realize some of you are not big readers. I would encourage you to read recovery material or obtain CDs, DVDs, or podcasts on recovery that you can listen to. Some women listen to recovery material in their vehicle, and this helps them keep their mind focused appropriately. Recovery material alone is not going to save you, but it may help you behave so you can maintain your abstinent behaviors and not pass your bottom line. What is your bottom line? This is a behavior or set of behaviors that you recognize as destructive and do not want to participate in anymore (but have continued to despite your desire to quit). These are the behaviors that hold dire consequence, cause you pain, shame, and/or guilt, create feelings of worthlessness and other negative emotions, and/or ones that you cannot seem to stop by a simple act of the will. You will explore many of these behaviors in this book. To find a list of current books on female sex addiction, I would suggest going to amazon.com with your spouse or sponsor or someone you trust because there might be titles tempting you to act out sexually. If you have not read the book, She Has a Secret, I would highly recommend you do. Materials on general sexual addiction can also be helpful. In the space below, write down a few titles you can use to start your recovery reading: By now, you may have realized that your morning routine will change. 5 to 15 minutes a day will dramatically impact your day. You are worth getting the sobriety you need, so you can restore yourself, your family and friends. There Is much you will learn, not only about yourself, but also about recovery in general, so you will experience hope to integrate into a lifestyle of sobriety. The day I started reading recovery literature was: / / 10 Secret Solutions Workbook

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