Chapter 1: Facing Codependence. Copyright 2010 Spirit of Life Recovery. All Rights Reserved

Transcription

1 Chapter 1: Facing Codependence Facing Codependence Our window of life What have we believed up until now? What is God s perspective of life, love and relationships? 1

2 Defining Codependence Set of learned coping skills used to function in an environment that is imbalanced and dysfunctional. Counterfeit method of expressing love Occurs when we look for something from the outside to fill the inner void on the inside. Caregiver Role Developed a caregiver role to balance a relationship or family system Overly focus on others caused a misunderstanding of the purpose of relationship Learned to become a compensator and sometimes even a rescuer. In the process, own needs were neglected or malnourished, resulting in spiritual, mental, and emotional growth being stunted. 2

3 Externally Referenced Became accustomed to meeting and accommodating other people s needs Began to use people or outside circumstances as a reference point for everything Attempted to read people through unspoken expressions or by analyzing their irrational behavior. Externally Referenced Believed something on the outside had the answer to what was needed on the inside. Became enmeshed with other people and unable to separate our own feelings, thinking, and acting. Disconnected with true self, authentic identity, and true needs. Became a catalyst to the needs of others, resulting in a loss of self. 3

4 Where is Codependence Developed? Unhealthy family system where compensation was a means of survival Lack of love leading to false methods to earn or make up for missing love needs Shame and chronic sense of not being able to measure up Attributes of Codependence Refer to Workbook These are symptomatic, which means they are at the behavioral level. They do not represent what is actually taking place on the inside Most of the symptoms are difficult to recognize, are widely accepted as Christianity and show up in all forms of relationships. 4

5 Codependent Personality Has a sense of disconnect and chronic need to fill that emptiness Looks to help, resolve and fix the problems of others in order to feel validated Has belief systems that good efforts can change or undo negative situations Feels responsible and therefore able to change the problems of other people Copyright 2010 Spirit of Life Recovery All Rights Reserved Addict Personality Need someone to fill in the gaps Needs room to be irresponsible May have grown accustomed to parents who overly loved and overly managed that child, causing that child to learn to manipulate the parent s emotional needs May have grown up in chaotic environment where drugs/alcohol became coping mechanism Often feels entitled to other people to be more giving more in then relationship Addict personality is usually very sensitive and can be very charming, but is emotionally unavailable 5

6 Cycle of Enablement The addict doesn t have to face consequences for bad behavior and irresponsible choices The codependent grows accustomed and adapts to being needed by the addict, finding validation in that role Both become mutually dependent, thus the relationship takes on a form of bondage Cycle of Enablement This cycle can appear wherever one party attempts to balance an imbalanced relationship Addict doesn t need to be using substance may just have the attributes 6

7 Codependence Recovery Identifying our belief systems, emotional strongholds and relationship patterns learned from childhood or other influencing circumstances. Understanding and personally experiencing the love of God; learning to differentiate true love from the counterfeit version of codependence. Copyright 2010 Spirit of Life Recovery. All Rights Reserved Codependence Recovery Learning to surrender our will to the care and provision of God Almighty. This means ending our own efforts to change outcomes in people and circumstances. Seeing things as they really are no matter how painful that may be. God leads us out of our painful past by giving us new belief systems based on His truth. 7

8 Codependence recovery Understanding our true needs, and properly grieving and letting go of things that were lost. Removing shame and the effects of negative experiences by learning how to give and receive forgiveness properly. Forgiveness brings ultimate freedom. Understanding that who we are in God s eyes holds much value and allows us to release the need to do things in order to gain acceptance by God and others. Codependence Recovery Reconnecting with our true self, the person God made us to be. Finding our authentic identity, purpose, and God s plan for our life. Setting and adhering to healthy boundaries to protect and guide us in healthy ways. Accepting God s promises in our life despite our circumstances or what other people say or do. 8

9 Codependence recovery Day by day, minute by minute, learning to be internally referenced by the Holy Spirit residing inside us, no longer being bound by the external reference of what other people think or feel. Simply put, learning how to walk in the Spirit. Serving other people by serving Jesus first. Being obedient to whatever and however God chooses to use us in other people s lives. Learning how to not accept the failure or receive the victory for what happens to another person. Truly understanding that God (not me!) is in control. 9