Sexual Intelligence: A New View of Sexual Function & Satisfaction
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1 Sexual Intelligence: A New View of Sexual Function & Satisfaction Marty Klein, Ph.D Entrepreneurs Organization February 23, 2017
2 What do most people say they want from sex? 1) Pleasure 2) Closeness But that s not what most people focus on before or during sex!
3 What do people focus on during sex? How they look, sound, or smell Preventing unwanted activity Ignoring (or preventing) pain Discerning partner s feelings or judgments Trying not to climax too quickly Hurrying to climax Suppressing emotions Trying to function the right way Persuading partner to do certain activity (Ignoring) distracting thoughts/feelings
4 What can make sex complicated? Shame, guilt, embarrassment Performance anxiety Feeling separated from partner Hiding from partner Being sexual when you don t want to Doing things you don t want to Fear of pregnancy or disease Difficulty resisting distraction Physical pain
5 So what s the best way to address these issues and make sex more enjoyable? Hint It s not by getting better erections, better lubrication, or better orgasms.
6 Many people think that sex has inherent meanings, and that we re stuck with them. For example: * Lack of desire means lack of love * Lack of erection means lack of manliness.
7 But like so much else in life, the meaning of sexuality is constructed. People and couples construct its meaning all the time.
8 Constructing sexuality What is sex? What is sexy? Where do I fit in? What is my history? How do these things apply to me? my partner? our couple?
9 Men/women always disappoint you I m no good at sex I m not desirable I ve been permanently traumatized Sex should be spontaneous & natural I m a sex addict I m over the hill Examples of narratives Some kinds of sex are undignified, unfeminist, not manly, or not for people like me
10 Examples of couples narratives Our chance for good sex is over We re not sexually compatible We re not eligible for sex Our kind of people don t really enjoy sex Sex is for young people I m ready to have good sex, but s/he isn t S/he is too involved with work or the kids There s just no time for good sex
11 Changing our narratives is central to enhancing sexual satisfaction. But that s not what people generally do.
12 How people typically try to resolve sexual dissatisfaction Urge partner to be sexier Erection drugs Acquire new positions or techniques Fantasize during sex Use drugs, alcohol Masturbate beforehand or afterwards Romantic getaway Affair or different partner Get into BDSM or toys Get into swinging
13 Most people focus too much on the sexual content, and not enough on the sexual experience. The 1st question shouldn t be what should we do? but rather how do I want to feel?
14 Sexual function is a means, not an end. It doesn t necessarily create sexual satisfaction. Too much focus on function can undermine satisfaction.
15 Sexual function is not the goal of sex. Creating good sex is not the goal of sex. Orgasm is not the goal of sex.
16 Enjoying sex is the goal of sex (i.e., some combination of pleasure & closeness).
17 Everyone has conditions for enjoying sex about self other environment What are the client s?
18 Everyone has conditions for enjoying sex; for example, Privacy Being in love Afraid of getting caught Lots of touching Lots of verbal communication Feeling respected Feeling naughty Feeling dominated Secure about contraception Feeling clean
19 Sexual dissatisfaction when conditions aren t met isn t a dysfunction I don t feel close to you I don t feel you re interested in me I have other things on my mind We still haven t resolved a recent quarrel I m concerned the kids will hear us We haven t agreed on our sexual routine I don t entirely trust you I m too stoned to actually feel my body
20 You shouldn t have that condition. Ignore how you feel. I don t have that condition. I don t have conditions you find inconvenient.
21 Anatomy of Sexual Arousal 1. BRAIN sexual message (picture, caress, etc.) 2. SPINAL COLUMN 3. PELVIC NERVES 4. VASCULAR SYSTEM (leading to erection or lubrication) Marty Klein, Ph.D 2012
22 Sexual dysfunction is when the brain spinal column pelvic nerves vascular system information transfer doesn t work smoothly. There can be many reasons why the transfer is disrupted.
23 Remember, someone s requirements for functioning may not be present. We have to ask about various contextual details to find out.
24 How did you feel when? How did you decide to? What were you thinking when?
25 The concept of normal sex disrupts many sexual relationships. There s no inherent hierarchy of sexual activities.
26 Most people want to be sexually normal, and think it s a problem if they aren t. Or if their partner isn t.
27 Rather than reassure people that they re normal, let s help them escape this dilemma altogether. That empowers them instead of fixing them.
28 Normal sexuality Sex when tired Unrealistic expectations Awkwardness & self-consciousness Confuse arousal and desire Confuse arousal and enjoyment Masturbation hidden Sober? Know what partner likes? If using erection drug, does partner know?
29 If someone doesn t expect to enjoy sex, not wanting it makes sense no matter how sexy their partner, or how much they love each other.
30 Good reasons people don t enjoy sex Performance pressure Normality anxiety Unrealistic expectations Emotions about non-sexual things Conditions: unmet or conflicting Shame, guilt Chronic conflict about sexual routines Partner s criticism; Narratives of failure Unsatisfactory initiation or transition
31 Making sex more enjoyable Focus on lived experience rather than function Ask yourself what you want from sex Talk about your actual experience during sex Ask a partner what they like about what they like, & what they don t like about what they don t like Negotiate rather than compromise Treat sex like other relationship activities Don t retreat into categories (sex addict, kinky) Create your conditions before or during sex
32 A new vision of sexual function Sense of humor Ability to relax Ability to focus and resist distractions Comfort with discussing birth control & STDs Comfort touching oneself during sex Sexual self-esteem independent of performance Self-acceptance: body, preferences Ability to enjoy sex sober Can express desire Knowledgeable about sex and one s body Realistic expectations
33 This is also called Sexual Intelligence
34 Sexual Intelligence: The information, emotional skills, & body awareness that we need to create enjoyable sex.
35 Sexual self-acceptance Independent of performance or function Independent of body shape, size, etc. Resolve normality anxiety Don t imagine your sexual challenges are unique Don t take responsibility for partner s experience Don t imagine partner s reality ask, & believe Identify & challenge early shaming messages Notice when you re enjoying yourself
36 Interventions Identify, evaluate, change sexual narratives Identify & reduce shame Ask about times they ve enjoyed sex Ask how they want to feel during sex Ask what they like in sex, including partner s body Locate & challenge what s normal Challenge them to maintain their sexual selfesteem independent of performance
37 The two most practical suggestions for improving sex: * Communication * Self-acceptance
38 After all, sex is more than an activity: it s an idea.
39
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