WHORE UPTIGHT SLUT. loser. Am I or Not? OMG, You re a Virgin!

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1 CHILL OUT WHORE By Cierra Hinton, 17, Staff Writer Virgin. Why does that word stress so many of us out? If you re a girl and you lose your virginity to a guy, you ll be seen as easy, but if you are a guy who s lost his virginity to a girl then you re a G or a pimp. This double standard is totally unfair and causes a lot of worry for guys and girls. And if you re a guy who loses his virginity to a guy, or a girl who loses her virginity to another girl, you re often left out of the conversation altogether! Am I still a virgin? Cause I use tampons. I ride bikes, and I ve masturbated before. How do you know if you ve accidentally broken your hymen??? Amber, 14, FL And just about everyone stresses about when to lose it or if we should lose it, but does it even matter? Why should we put pressure on one another to be or not be virgins? The biggest source of worry isn t really being or not being a virgin, but our fears of what we think other people will think of us. I m here to say relax. Am I or Not? UPTIGHT We hear fairly often from virgin girls that they are very afraid that they re going to somehow magically lose their virginity without doing anything sexual at all. loser PRUDE Am I still a virgin? Cause I use tampons. I ride bikes, and I ve masturbated before. How do you know if you ve accidentally broken your hymen??? asks Amber, 14, of Florida. SLUT WILD This is a common fear among girls who think that being a virgin has to do with whether or not you have a hymen the thin piece of tissue that partially covers the vaginal opening. Many girls tear their hymens before they have vaginal sex. It s so easy to tear your hymen that you can t use that as a definite sign of virginity. If you haven t had vaginal intercourse, and you believe that s what makes you a virgin, then you should think of yourself as a virgin. Some people believe that if you ve never had vaginal sex, but you have had oral or anal sex, you are still a virgin. So does that mean only heterosexual people can lose their virginity? And that girls who have sex with girls or guys who have sex with guys are forever virgins? When I ask Kara, 19, of Virginia, about this, she says, I am a lesbian teen. My friends know I m gay, but they know I ve slept with guys before and still use that when they refer to my virginity. But I couldn t even tell you what happened the night I lost my virginity what I was wearing or what it felt like. I kinda was just doing it because I thought I was supposed to. Then I got to college. I met this girl, and we started fooling around. I remember perfectly when we first slept together went down on each other. She was the first girl I had ever done anything major with. She was the one that pulled me out of the closet. I remember everything how wonderful it felt and how glad I was to do it with her. In my mind, that s when I lost my virginity. Our ideas about who is or isn t a virgin differ from person to person. But what about people who are the survivors of rape or sexual abuse? Have they lost their virginity if the sex they ve had was forced on them? I don t think so. Ultimately, the only person who gets to say if you re a virgin is you. Use what you believe to determine if you re a virgin. OMG, You re a Virgin! While there are teens who worry that they ve lost their virginity, others worry because they haven t. I m 17, male, straight and still a virgin. Sometimes I lie and I m 17, male, straight and still a virgin. Sometimes I lie and say I m not when I meet a girl I like. But when we start talking about sex I get scared that she ll think I m a loser or a dork if she finds out I m a virgin. But if I m not a virgin then she ll think I m a playa. Robert, 17, FL 14 sexetc.org

2 dork WEIRD say I m not when I meet a girl I like. But when we start talking about sex I get scared that she ll think I m a loser or a dork if she finds out I m a virgin. But if I m not a virgin then she ll think I m a playa, says Robert, 17, of Florida. You shouldn t have to lie and say that you aren t a virgin just to impress a girl or guy. You should be comfortable with who you are. That s easier said than done, especially if you have to deal with comments, like Oh my gosh, you re a virgin! or worse, homophobic comments because you ve chosen to wait to have sex. How do you react to that? You really don t have to react, because it s OK to be a virgin whether you re a guy or a girl. But maybe the comments or people s assumptions that you re not a virgin have you thinking you should have sex, like Halima, 14 of NJ. In my school, I m one of the popular girls and everybody thinks I already had sex. I want to have sex before high school is over just because when I m in college I don t want to be the virgin girl, explains Halima. What s so wrong with being the virgin girl? Why rush into sex just because people think you re not a virgin? Does what they say really matter all that much? Besides, there are plenty of virgins in college; you won t be the only one. Enrique, 15, of New Jersey, is a virgin like lots of boys in high school. He is happy being a virgin, and this is what he had to say about not letting the rude comments get to you. I don t care, says Enrique. People can think what they want. People think that I m weird because I m a virgin or because I m quiet. I m not in a rush to lose my virginity. Hey, as long as I don t get a sexually transmitted disease, I m good, he laughs. If you re a virgin and the comments get to you, remember that being a virgin is much better than having sex when you re not ready. And if you re being harassed in school, I don t care. People can think what they want. People think that I m weird because I m a virgin or because I m quiet. I m not in a rush to lose my virginity. Hey, as long as I don t get a sexually transmitted disease, I m good. Enrique, 15, NJ CRAZY talk to a trusted adult, teacher or school administrator. No one should have to put up with harassment at school. EASY Slut and Whore Hurt Whether you re a virgin or not, having to deal with being called slut or whore will stress any girl out. I have this guy friend who I ve had a crush on since the fourth grade, and we ve done stuff but not a lot. And now everyone thinks I m easy. People call me a slut, a whore, skank, and it sucks, says Brianna,16, of the U.S. Virgin Islands. Life would be easier if we could control what people think or say about us. But we can t, and as long as you know the truth, then that s all that should matter. Crystal, a 17-year-old from New Jersey, lost her virginity when she was in a relationship and was in love. People think that I m wild and crazy, says Crystal. Some people even call me names like slut or whore. It s assumed that girls who aren t virgins are easy. But is that really the case? Do all girls who lose their virginity just want to have sex and give it up at the drop of a hat? Of course not. Crystal certainly didn t. I asked Crystal how she feels when she is called these names. She says, It hurts, but I learn to live with it. Wait Until You re Ready I have this guy friend who I ve had a crush on since the 4th grade, and we ve done stuff but not a lot. And now everyone thinks I m easy. People call me a slut, a whore, skank, and it sucks. Brianna, 16, U.S. Virgin Islands Some people may give you a hard time about being or not being a virgin. I know what that s like. There will always be people who pass judgment, but you ve got to be true to what you believe in and not let those people stress you out. And at the end of the day, the choice to have or not have sex is yours. My only advice to you, whether you re a guy or a girl, is to wait until you are 100-percent ready that way, you ll have no regrets later. Why Wonder? 15

3 Discussion Guide By Nora Gelperin, M.Ed. For Professionals Working with Teens Sexetc.org Winter 2009 Lesson for The Virginity Question: No Need to Stress Learning Objectives By the end of this lesson, students will be able to 1) Define the word virgin. 2) Describe at least three situations in which the label of virgin may be problematic for teens. Time Needed 80 minutes (If need be, this lesson can be split into two 40-minute classes.) Materials Copies of The Virginity Question: No Need to Stress one per student Copies of The Meaning of Virginity: A Case Study one per student Copies of Virginity Scenarios one scenario per group of four students Index cards or scrap paper one per student Pens or pencils one per student Preparation Write each of the following stem sentences on a piece of newsprint or the chalkboard. Sex is... Being a virgin means... Being abstinent means... Being sexually active means... Procedure 1. Introduce the topic by explaining that many teens have questions about sexual behaviors and virginity. Explain that teens not only have questions about what virginity means, but also how they apply the concept to their lives. [2 minutes] 2. Distribute an index card or scrap piece of paper to each student along with a pen or pencil. Explain that you will reveal four partial sentences, one at a time, and students are to write the first thing that comes to mind on their paper. Explain that there are no correct or incorrect answers, just individual opinions. Read each sentence stem as you reveal it on the newsprint or chalkboard. Sex is... Being a virgin means... Being abstinent means... Being sexually active means... [3 minutes] 3. Next, explain that you will read each stem sentence again and ask for a few volunteers to share their responses with the large group. Read each stem sentence one at a time and call on three or four volunteers to share their opinions. Ask any clarifying questions about student opinions as needed and time permits. [10 minutes] 4. Distribute a copy of The Virginity Question: No Need to Stress to each student and read together as a group. Instruct students to then turn and talk with another student seated near them about their reaction to the article. Give students two or three minutes to discuss. [5 minutes]

4 5. Next, divide students into small groups of four. Explain that each small group will get a scenario about a teen who is looking for advice from other teens. The group is to read the scenario together and then try to determine whether they believe this teen is a virgin or not. The group should all try to agree, if possible, on whether they think this behavior fits their definition of virginity or not. Explain that each group will report back to the larger group both their decision and a brief summary of their thinking. Distribute a scenario to each group and give the groups a few minutes to complete the task. [5 minutes] 6. Call time and gather the group s attention. Ask each group who had scenario A to report back their conclusion and a brief summary of their thinking. Continue with Scenarios B through G until all groups have had a chance to report back. Once each group has reported, ask the entire group the following discussion questions: How did it feel to try and decide whether someone else is a virgin or not? What did you notice about how people decided if someone was or wasn t a virgin in each scenario? Does anyone feel differently about virginity as a result of this activity? If so, why? [15 minutes] 7. Distribute a copy of The Meaning of Virginity: A Case Study to each student. Instruct students to read the case individually and rank the characters based on who acted most responsibly versus who acted least responsibly. Each character should get a different ranking. [5 minutes] 9. Gather groups attention and ask the following questions: How many groups were able to reach consensus? How did it feel to try and agree? Using your fingers, show me what rating you gave Nina. Why did you give Nina that particular rating? Using your fingers, show me what rating you gave Alex. Why did you give Alex that particular rating? Any other characters that you feel strongly about in this scenario? What did you learn from this scenario and the discussion? (Facilitator s Note: Depending on your group, students might have very strong opinions about what characters were most or least responsible for this situation. This is to be expected. The facilitator should ask probing questions to clarify people s opinions and remind group that there is no right answer.) [20 minutes] 10. Close the lesson by asking students the following question: What can teens learn about virginity as a result of these activities? Solicit a few responses from the group. Close by reminding students that, in the end, they might not all agree on what makes someone a virgin or not, but being clear about their own personal definition and communicating that with any sexual partners they might have is the most important thing for their own health and safety. [5 minutes] Special thanks to Teri Tomatich, M.Ed., for her review of this lesson plan. 8. Next, divide students into groups of three. Explain that the groups will talk about the scenario, their rankings and try to come to a consensus about the rankings for each character. Allow groups ten minutes to complete this task. (Facilitator s Note: During this time it is helpful to circulate among groups to clarify any questions about the task and facilitate disagreements among group members, if any arise.) [10 minutes]

5 Virginity Scenarios SCENARIO A A girl and guy were getting really hot together, and they decided to have sexual intercourse. It was the first time for both of them, and they didn t really know what they were doing. The guy put his penis into her vagina just a little bit. It hurt a lot, so he pulled out, and they stopped. Are they virgins? SCENARIO B A guy has only received oral sex. Is he a virgin? SCENARIO C A girl was drugged and then raped and doesn t remember what happened beyond knowing she was forced to have sex. Is she a virgin? SCENARIO D A girl is a lesbian and has never had sex with someone of the opposite gender, and doesn t plan to. She has hooked up with a girl. Is she a virgin? SCENARIO E A couple has only had anal sex together once because they heard the girl can t get pregnant that way. Are they virgins? SCENARIO F A teen has a physical disability and can t physically have sexual intercourse. He is sexual in other ways with his partner. Are they virgins? SCENARIO G A girl has only given oral sex. Is she a virgin?

6 The Meaning of Virginity A Case Study Nina meets this guy Andre on MySpace. They finally meet in person after weeks of texting and talking on the phone. He is a few years older than she is and really cool. They totally hit it off and hook up a few times. They never have sexual intercourse, but did almost everything else. Andre has to head back to college, and a week after he leaves, Nina gets a cold sore on her upper lip. She doesn t think much of it, since she knows a lot of people who get fever blisters. Nina talks to her older sister about Andre and whether she could make a long-distance relationship work. Nina s sister discourages her, since he s in college and she never really thought he was good for Nina anyway. Nina tells her sister about how they hooked up. Nina s sister is horrified that they didn t use condoms since they had oral sex. Nina decides not to tell her sister about the cold sore she got after her sister gives her a condom lecture. Luckily, Nina has health class first period, and they cover sex ed, including sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). Nina is glad to learn that since she s never had sexual intercourse, she can t get pregnant, which is what she is most worried about. She doesn t really pay attention to the lesson about STDs and the risk of getting infections from unprotected oral sex. In Nina s mind, only people who sleep around get STDs. A couple of months later, Nina finds things have totally cooled off with Andre. But Nina and a good friend of hers, Alex, have been flirting with each other. Nina is not sure whether to risk their friendship for a potential romance that might not work out anyway, but she s so tempted since it feels right. Nina and Alex end up alone at Alex s house and start talking about what they ve done sexually with other people. Nina tells Alex that she s a virgin. She s never had sexual intercourse with anyone, and in her mind, the oral sex she had with Andre doesn t really count as sex. Alex is also a virgin, never having had oral, anal or vaginal sex. Things get really hot between them, and they start having sex together. They agree that since they re both virgins they don t need to use a latex barrier. Alex thinks that having sex for the first time with Nina, who is also a virgin, makes the experience that much more special for them both. Things continue to be really great between Alex and Nina, and they re both so into each other. They text all the time and spend all their free time together. Everyone comments on how cute they are together as a couple. Then Alex notices a sore on the genitals that s never been there before. Rate from 1 to 5 who acted most responsibly. 1 = Acted least responsibly = Acted most responsibly Andre Nina Nina s Sister Alex Nina s Health Teacher