Total Intimacy: A User-friendly Model for Restoring and Enriching Marital Lovemaking

Transcription

1 Total Intimacy: A User-friendly Model for Restoring and Enriching Marital Lovemaking Dr. Doug Rosenau doug@dougrosenau.com AACC Webinar February 10, 2015

2 Total Intimacy The 3 Categories (Colors) of Marital Intimacy 1) Green- Intimate Companions (Bonding) 2) Purple- Sensuous Lovers (Coupling) 3) Orange- Erotic Partners (Igniting)

3 Understanding the Colors of Total Intimacy Though the goal of green and purple is not sexual arousal, all three expression of intimacy can create sexual feelings and connection The colors are on a continuum of light to deep--with deep green, purple or orange expressing greater intimate connection Personality, family background and gender influence how mates experience and express the colors of intimacy

4 Green: Intimate Companions BONDING Intimacy Green intimacy is foundational and is becoming best friends---bonding, letting walls down and overcoming attachment issues Couples need to like each other if they are going to be lovers and sexually one Green intimacy helps couples fall back in love with each other and rebuild trust and feeling special

5 Green: Intimate Companions BONDING Intimacy Three critical avenues for nurturing connecting closeness are: Learning to express feelings and building positive attitudes towards each other Growing effective communication and implementing connecting behaviors Making special times and paying attention to our mates

6 Green: Intimate Companions 1. Feelings and Attitudes 1) Share Feelings: Loving, Laughing, Crying, Anticipating, Playing 2) Trust & Fidelity---Being Safe and Secure 3) Accept, Forgive & Respect And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight Phil. 1:9 Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you Romans 15:7

7 Green: Intimate Companions 2. Communication for Connection 1) Connecting conversations 2) Physical affection, touch & tender looks 3) Spiritual sharing and formation It is not good for man to be alone, I will make a helper who is just right for him. Genesis 2:18 (NLT)

8 The Colors of Intimacy: A Theology Song of Solomon 4:16, 8:12,10 I am my lover s and my lover is mine let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits. My own vineyard is mine to give Thus I have become like one bringing contentment. I Corinthians 7:3-5 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent

9 Green: Intimate Companions 3. Time & Attention 1) Small Nurturing Gestures 2) Intentional Quality (a date) & Quantity (doing chores) Time 3) Mutual Bonding Activities Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her Eph. 5:25

10 Purple: Sensuous Lovers COUPLING Intimacy Purple intimacy is rich and romantic---would only be engaged in with a lover while dating (Light Purple) or married Enhances romance and sensuality and is nondemand pleasuring---lighthearted and playful Eroticism with boundaries---its goal is not arousal but coupling. Courtship sexuality is a great example with Light Purple (continuum). In restoring or deepening marital intimacy, purple will be making love without expectations of intercourse and orgasms, or the erotic leading to the bedroom

11 Purple: Sensuous Lovers Psalm 139:13-16 (The Message) Oh yes, You shaped me first inside, then out; You formed me in my mother s womb. I thank you, High God You re breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration what a creation! You know me inside and out, You know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth.

12 Purple: Sensuous Lovers Two Vibrant Avenues for Focusing On and Enjoying Sensuality with your Covenant Lover: 1. Making Love with Clothes On 2. Sensual Feasts

13 Purple: Sensuous Lovers Romantic Fun with Clothes On Drink in the beauty of your unique coupling as romantic lovers Genital focus alone can impoverish a love life Make love for hours with little or no erotic physical touch and allow your souls to commune (as when first dating) Create and memorize intimate sensations Myth lovers think/hope that genital-togenital involvement will instantly create intimacy

14 Purple: Sensuous Lovers 1. Making Love with Clothes ON Eye to eye---eye to body Hand to hand---to head Body to body (embracing) Mouth to mouth (kissing)

15 Eye to Eye Eye to Body The eyes are the window to the soul. A direct or inviting look is often the beginning of more intimate contact Look into your lovers eyes and with no words convey your love Things that are attractive and appealing are visually noticed Explore and enjoy your mate s body only with your eyes

16 Hand to Hand Hand to Head The hands are so symbolic of who we are and what we do for each other as covenant lovers. Sensuously stroke your partner s hand and feel skin, veins and bone---allow your self to feel and express love Touching the head invades our space and creates intimate, possessive closeness Tenderly stroke and memorize the face, hair, ears, and neck of your lover.

17 Body to Body A close embrace, whether hugging body to body or cuddling in each other arms, can create so many feelings: closeness, safety, chosen, special, love, warmth and releases oxytocin, the bonding chemical Hug each other for one or two minutes and melt into each other---feel the sensuous and romantic closeness He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High, will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. Ps 91:1

18 Kissing: Mouth to Mouth Kissing on the mouth is a huge catalyst for sensual connecting---becoming and staying lovers. Prolonged and intimate kissing creates erotic arousal but this can be contained and enjoyed. Kiss each other on the mouth for 10 seconds- --for 30 seconds Drink in the sensuous feelings and bonding emotions of this light and deep kissing Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth for your love is more delightful than wine. Song of Solomon 1:2

19 Purple: Sensuous Lovers 2. Sensual Feasts: Exploring bodies sensuously with mood lighting and music; associate sounds, sights, smells and touch with your lover Sensual Touching (sensate focus) Sensual Treats

20 Sensual Touching (Sensate Focus) touching for personal pleasure Touching---focus on sensual feelings and stay in the moment (mindful) Learn comfort with touching & being touched Luke 13:13 Then he put his hands on her, and immediately she straightened up and praised God. Learn to relax with mutual sharing and bonding sensuality NO focus on performance or arousal Revel in experiencing Level Two and Three Erogenous Zones (not Level One- genitals)

21 Erogenous Zones Level 3 Entire body (skin) Level 2 Parts of the body with more concentrated sensory nerve endings and sensitivity (lips, neck, tummy, inner thighs) Level 1 Genitals & nipples which can be stimulated to create to sexual arousal

22 Experiencing Sensual Touching Sensual safe environment & warm hands Deal with ticklishness Natural Oils and lotions Vary type of touch and rhythm Focus on Experience He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside still waters, he restores my soul. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life. Psalms 23: 2,3,5-6

23 Practicing Sensual Touching Best not to have any communication, but to revel in one s own individual sensations If there is communication, it can help the Giver to touch in ways special to the Receiver You can destroy the experience if you keep it too erotically charged Enjoy any surges, but do not act upon them Ignore erections and contain arousal as you focus on your lover s body and sensual pleasuring

24 Active Giver (toucher) Get nude and take 15 to 30 minutes and start touching your mate s body (lying on her/his stomach) from her head to her feet then roll over and feet to head (after this change roles) Touch in ways that feel good to you Attend to your own pleasure and sensuality (primary focus not on the Receiver) Experiment with a variety of touches/strokes Remember this is about tuning into your senses

25 Passive Receiver (touchee) Invite the active partner to touch you as you receive for the 15 to 30 minutes Focus on and delight in sensuality for yourself Increase self awareness by noticing which areas & types of touching give the greatest pleasure Learn how the Active Giver likes to touch as insight into him/her---coach nonverbally during or verbally after the session on touch that is most pleasurable to you

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27 Purple: Sensuous Lovers What Wives Desire Go beyond the physical in affirming and noticing her---look into her eyes, let her be soul sexy (3-D with body, mind and spirit), tell her frequently how attractive and desirable she is Go beyond libido and wanting sex to making sure she knows she is the object of your desire Be skilled and wisely assertive in sweeping her off her feet---a wife loves masculine pursuit Learn romance and how to engage her senses

28 Purple: Sensuous Lovers What Husbands Desire A turned on wife who enjoys sex for herself (husband s greatest turn-on) Visual treats---revel in the power of your feminine body and its ability to excite him Flirtation with a provocative, unpredictable teasing grab him occasionally Admire and affirm his body and lovemaking skills praise and compliments on his body parts, his moves and skills

29 Purple: Sensuous Lovers Sensual Treats Take Showers Together (eg. Sight, smell, touch) Hug each other nude for a minute before putting on night clothes and communicate love. Try sleeping nude Enjoy eating food placed in strategic places Explore curves, nooks, crannies while making out with clothes on with mood lighting and music Enjoy genitals for sensuality and not arousal--- as you talk erotically with your Eve/your Adam Associate smells, sounds, taste, sights w/ mate

30 IGNITING Intimacy Orange Erotic Playmates Orange intimacy is creatively taking sexual foreplay, arousal and lovemaking to more passionate levels. Taking the cultural Red intimacy and shining God s true Yellow intimacy into erotic sexuality and creating a passionate Orange intimacy True orange creates synergy and richer hues from light peach to burnt orange that keep growing over the years.

31 Orange Intimacy Erotic Partners IGNITING Intimacy (cont.) True 3-dimensional lovemaking that connects lovers with desire, attraction and joyful excitement---as mates become naked and unashamed and one flesh Disciplines: mindfulness, child-likeness, making sacred times for lovemaking Types of lovemaking: marathon, quickie, fantasy, romp, connection Learning to make love and not just have sex

32 Orange Erotic Playmates Igniting Passionate Lovemaking Mutuality/Respect with Erotic Behaviors Foreplay versus Loveplay Focus in and Stay in the Present Intersperse intercourse and orgasm throughout lovemaking---a critical part but not the whole or goal of sex Learn to be skillful at genital pleasuring

33 The Lovemaking Continuum Levels of Involvement in Lovemaking Passionate Connecting Nurturing Duty Pity (normal lovemaking)

34 Levels of Personal Involvement in Lovemaking Pity- (1) motivated by guilt, frustration, neediness or to avoid conflict, neither partner enjoying any real intimacy Duty sex (2) marital obligation and meeting sexual needs with no real pleasure for either Nurturing sex (3-4) honoring the higher need of one s partner but done willingly with various levels of participation. Connecting sex- (5-7) warm, slow, playful, & tender; may dip on the continuum into both nurturing and passion Passionate sex- (8-10) more intensity, focus, time & arousal

35 Good Sex versus Wow Sex Most of the enjoyable lovemaking that takes place in a good marriage is from 3-6 with nurturing and connection important goals For wives (and husbands) beginning on the lower end of a 3 may end up a 6 or an 8 Couples can try to work their way up from pity and duty sex which can feel very lose-lose for both and build resentment Passionate sex (8-10) takes a convergence of many factors: time, anticipation, variety and privacy, uninhibited feelings, building arousal

36 Types of Lovemaking Igniting and Bonding 1. Teasing Prelude 2. Fantasy Enrichment 3. Gourmet Marathon Bonding 6. Playful Romp 7. Nurturing Release 8. Connecting Companionship Igniting 4. Quick Encounter 5. Erotic Volcano

37 Common Brakes of Lovemaking Wives: Fatigue & Distractions Body Image Relational and emotional deficits Husbands Lack of visual and emotional stimulation Rejection, lack of frequency, duty sex Distortions: negative emotions, stress, porn

38 Common Accelerators to Lovemaking Wives: Get rest and minimize distractions Make it all about her and affirm her body Include much pursuit, romance, skilled initiation Husbands: Become enthusiastic, naked, mutual lovers Practice ego-boosting, affirmation, initiation Enjoy laughter, non-verbal excitement, frequency

39 Orange Erotic Playmates Igniting Passionate Lovemaking Prepare a SAFE, sensual, sexy Atmosphere Surrender control Revel in gender distinctions Read books on sex together Include lots of Green and Purple Intimacy

40 A Prayer Write a Benediction for your sex life as Covenant Lovers. For example: Recount some areas of growth you are thankful for Identify areas you would like to continue to grow or heal in your lovemaking Pray specifically for each other as Covenant Lovers Thank God for your spouse and the gift of lovemaking

41 Q & A Total Intimacy: A Guide to Loving by Color Click on : Order Now and put code in for 30% discount Code: NJNBS8YM