Sympathy Guide: How to Help Someone in Times of Loss. Chelsea Hanson

Transcription

1 Sympathy Guide: How to Help Someone in Times of Loss Chelsea Hanson

2 With Sympathy Gifts & Keepsakes Sympathy Guide Giving Help to Others who are Grieving What do you say to someone who is grieving? What do you do to help? This short guide, written by Chelsea Hanson, is meant to assist you with the basics of helping someone who is grieving. Suggestions are given on how to provide immediate help and throughout the grieving process. If you have not experienced a deep loss yourself, reading this guide will provide insight and ideas on how you can provide caring and beneficial support. In short, your job is simply to honor the loss, respect the grief, recognize the pain and try to understand the grief process. Most importantly, your role is to be with the grieving in their time of need and to validate their experience. Know the Basics Be Patient. Real support is never a quick solution. Don t rush your friend through grief or try to fix the situation. Allow your friend to share his or her feelings and memories. Don t Give Advice about Grieving. Each person s experience is different. Let the person who is grieving tell you what he or she needs, rather than presuming you know what may be best. Open the Door to Communication. Invite the person to talk. If you aren t sure what to say, ask, How are you feeling today? or I ve been thinking about you. Simply be sensitive and caring. Be Yourself. Speak and behave in a way that is natural for you. Continue the same relationship you had before: close friend, acquaintance, friendly neighbor, or work colleague. Remain Available. Although you cannot take the pain away, you can enter into the healing process with your friend. You can remain available long after the death, when your friend may need you most.

3 What Can I Do? How to Provide Immediate Comfort There are many heartfelt and useful ways to help someone who just lost a loved one. Be There. The most important thing you can do is be present with the family. Don t stay away because you are afraid that you may say or do the wrong thing. Go to the Service. There is no substitute for your physical presence. It sends an invaluable message of support. If you live too far away to make a personal visit, call or write to express your sympathy. Share your Genuine Sorrow. Don t worry about what to say, just share from your heart. Simplicity is best. Listen. Most importantly, the bereaved want to be heard. Just listen, and let them tell you about their loss. Share a Memory. Reminisce and tell a fond memory about the person who died. The bereaved want to talk about their loved one. Your recollection of the deceased will be a wonderful gift. Cry. It s okay to cry. The family can find comfort in knowing you are sad too. Your tears show you care about the family and their loved one. Smile and Laugh. It s okay to laugh. There is a myth that laughter is not appropriate at time of loss. However, a friendly smile or laugh can ease the pain. Memories about the loved one can include times when he or she made others smile, laugh, or just feel good. Use Appropriate Physical Contact. When words fail, put your arm around your friend s shoulder or give a hug. Actions can speak instead of words.

4 How to Provide Words of Comfort Your presence alone with your friend or at the service says how much you care about the family and the person who died. However, to verbally express your sympathy, one of the best things you can do is speak from your heart. Below are some words that can be helpful to show your heartfelt sympathy and concern: We will miss Mary very much. She was very important to us. We are here for you. You are not alone. Words cannot express our sympathy. I cannot imagine how you must feel. We will never forget Mark. He was so liked by everyone who knew him. I can already see that your children are becoming such nice young adults, just like their mother/father. I hope it is some comfort to you to know how highly regarded Jim was by all who knew him. Even though I didn t know your wife/husband, I heard such wonderful things about her/him from other people. I don t know what to say. What Do I Say? I am very sorry for your loss of Robert. Be sure to offer condolences to everyone in the family, and introduce yourself to family members who may not know you. By having a sense of how your friend is feeling at that particular moment, you will better understand how to express your sympathy. Whatever you say, the family will appreciate your comfort and support at their time of loss.

5 What Not To Say? It is also very important to know what not to sayto those grieving. Friends sometimes say things that are wellmeaning, but not appropriate or helpful. To avoid making the same mistake, here are some points to remember and things NOT to say at time of loss. Don t assume that the loss is for the best or in any way a blessing. Everything happens for a reason. He is in a better place. It was God s will. Don t assume that the pain is any less because the person who died was older or very sick. He lived a long, full life. At least she is not in pain anymore. Be thankful you had him for so long. Don t assume that because there are no children, that the pain is any less. At least they didn t have any children. Avoid comparisons. Everyone s grief is unique. I know how you feel. I understand how hard your loss must be for you and your children. Let me tell you how my friend handled a rough time. Watch what you say. There is no replacement for the person who died. You are young, you can re-marry. Be glad you have two other healthy children. You can still have another child. Avoid clichés. Such answers do not acknowledge the loss or feelings of the bereaved. Time heals everything. Be strong. Keep your chin up. You will never be given more than you can handle. Avoid statements that begin with At least. At least you can travel now that you aren t caring for him anymore. At least he didn t suffer.

6 How Can I Express My Condolences? Giving a Meaningful Sympathy Gift Giving a sympathy gift can sometimes be difficult because you may not know what is appropriate. Below are some thoughtful gift ideas that the family will appreciate. A Memory Book. This can be given for the family to complete in the months and years ahead after the loss and may provide some healing and reflection. Alternately,you can create a memory book yourself with any memorabilia that the family may like, including pictures, poems or letters about the deceased. Keepsakes. Often those grieving are most comforted by something tangible to hold or see. Thus, keepsakes such as statues, plaques or picture frames are comforting gifts. Garden Statuary. Many people have memorial gardens to honor their loved one. Along with the flowers and other greenery, a beautiful memorial gift makes a lovely touch in the garden. Consider a garden stone, angel figurine or a bench with a touching saying or personalization. Memory Box. This can be used for tucking away items pertaining to the loved one s funeral, such as the program, guest registry, memorial card, obituary and sympathy cards. Alternately,it can store treasured items, such as pictures, jewelry or other mementos of the loved one. Photo Book. Candid photos about the loved one s life are often displayed at the funeral. Because such loving care was used to gather the pictures, a special photo book for all the cherished photos can be given to the family.

7 What Else Can I Do to Help? For those who have lost a loved one, it can be hard to ask for help. Thus, instead of saying, Call me if you need anything, it is better to be proactive and offer specific assistance. Offer help only if you can follow through. Offer assistance in a way that makes sense in your life. Can you drive the carpool? Drop off a meal? Mow the lawn once a week without asking? Take the kids for the afternoon? Give without expectations. Grieving is energy-draining, and common courtesies can be neglected by the bereaved. Don t feel bad if you card, flowers or meal is not acknowledged. Thanks may not come for your kindness, but your care will be appreciated. Your thoughtfulness could be the light in the grieving person s day. Offer to perform routine tasks. Ordinary chores around the home are the last thing on the mind of a person who is grieving. Things you can do include: Cut the grass or shovel the driveway. Take care of the pets with a walk or play time. Offer to run errands or pick up household items at the store. Take the kids to the park or invite them play at your home. Bring food to the family. It relieves the burden of planning meals, shopping and cooking, especially when the family may not have the energy for such chores. Take simple and healthy snacks as well as comfort foods. If possible, bring frozen dishes, which can be used at any time. Call ahead to ask what food is needed or what there is plenty of already. It is best to bring food in containers that do not have to be returned. Label the dish contents and include cooking instructions. It is helpful to bring plastic forks, paper plates, napkins and disposable cups too. Offer your companionship. Going through grief can be lonely; however, the loneliness can sometimes be relieved with some company and conversation. Invite the person to watch a game or popular television program. Encourage your friend to join you for a walk or trip to the park. Call ahead to ask what food is needed or what there is plenty of already. Suggest seeing the latest movie or play. Offer to attend an event your friend may have normally attended with his or her loved one. Offer to visit your friend at their home if he or she does not want to be in public.

8 How Can I Help a Grieving Friend Over Time? After the flurry of activities calms down and everybody returns to their regular activities, the magnitude of the loss starts to set in. This can be one of the worst times for the bereaved, and it is when friends can be needed the most. Here are some ideas on how to help: Listen. As previously mentioned,this is the most important way you can help your friend. Just listen don t offer suggestions, advice or solutions. By freely giving a sympathetic ear, this allows your friend to feel safe to express his or her feelings. Learn to be comfortable with shared silence too. Reminisce. Reminisce with your friend about his or her loved one s life. Sharing fond memories is a wonderful way to provide comfort. Remember, talking about the deceased will not hurt or upset the person grieving. In fact, it is just the opposite. Your friend will appreciate that you haven t forgotten about their loved one, especially as time goes on. Check in Regularly. This simple act will show you care, as well as make your friend more comfortable and secure. This is especially important in the first few years after the loss, as your friend gradually adjusts to not having the physical presence of their loved one. Learn about Grief. To understand what your friend is going through, do your best to learn about grieving. By having an understanding of the grief process, you can offer more sensitive care and compassion. Remember. Honor special dates including the date of death, birthdays, anniversaries and holidays, which may beespecially hard on the bereaved. Your support will be needed and welcomed, especially on these days. Being a friend to the grieving will not always be easy. Your friend has changed and will continue to change as he or she journeys through grief. Your gift of support, however, will always be remembered and cherished. Expect your friend to heal gradually, but know the loss always remains.

9 Special Bonus Gift What do I Say in the Sympathy Card? Care Tip #1 Sending a sympathy card can be difficult. We may not know what to say or fear that we are not saying enough. Ideally, it is best to send a sympathy card within the first two weeks after a death. However, it is always appropriate to send a card at anytime, rather than not send a card at all. A card sent weeks or months after the loss will still be comforting. Support from others usually diminishes within weeks after the funeral; thus, your card may be even more appreciated at a later date. A handwritten note composed inside a sympathycard is most helpful to the family. A sympathy note can be brief, but should be heartfelt. Recommended elements include: 1. Acknowledge the loss, and use the name of the loved one. 2. Express your sympathy. 3. Note special qualities or favorite memories about the person. 4. End the note with some caring words. Roger will never be forgotten. Roger s memory will live on forever. I was deeply saddened to hear of Roger s death. You are in my thoughts. Roger will live on in our hearts forever. Please note that it is not unusual if the bereaved does not acknowledge your card. The person may be thinking about other things or may not know how to respond. Nonetheless, you have accomplished a caring gesture by expressing your sympathy. Remember, it is very important to send a sympathy card. Keep in mind that grieving people still need messages of sympathy for years to come after a death, especially on holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. The bereaved do not forget their loss. Thus, you are not reminding them of their loss when you send a card on these days. Instead, you are offering ongoing comfort and support. Remember, you can express your support at anytime to the bereaved. It is never too late and is always appropriate.

10 Giving the Gift of a Memory Special Bonus Gift Care Tip #2 There are many gifts you can offer a person who has lost a loved one, but none is as precious as the gift of a memory. As time passes after the loss, the main link for your friend to remember a loved one is memories. Thus, giving the bereaved something to keep their loved one s spirit and memory alive can be invaluable. Here are some ideas: Photographs. Families like to receive photos of their loved ones to remember past times. Pictures can be of any age and from any time period or occasion. Examples include pictures with friends, neighbors or colleagues as well those from a sporting event, wedding or graduation. Something Created by the Deceased. You may come across a letter or card written by the deceased. These mementos can be precious to the family, especially if they had not seen the items before. A Letter Written about the Deceased. The letters can come from many sources, such as an old friend, teacher, employer or someone who knew the deceased well. A simple letter talking about what the deceased meant to the person will show the family how their loved one touched other s lives. These letters can be especially valuable to a child who lost his or her parent at a young age. Shared Stories. An individual can record stories on a video about their loved one. Alternately,a whole group can get together to reminisce about the deceased for a video recording. These memories are something that the whole family can enjoy at anytime. The stories can be particularly comforting for the family members who had not already heard the stories. This provides an ongoing gift by keeping the loved one s finest qualities alive. Even if months or years have passed, don t hesitate to pass on your memory or memento about the deceased loved one. The family will appreciate your kindness and cherish your gift

11 Special Bonus Gift Care Tip #3 What is Proper Etiquette for the Visitation? The visitation provides an opportunity for the survivors and others who share in the loss to express their love, respect and appreciation for a life that has been lived. Common sense and good discretion are always the best guides when attending a visitation. Below are additional suggestions. Attend the Visitation. Your presence is an eloquent statement that you care, and there is no replacement for being there. The visitation will give you the opportunity to express your condolences, rather than awkwardly approaching the bereaved at the office, supermarket or other place. The length of your stay is matter of discretion. After talking with the family and viewing the deceased, you can then visit with others in attendance. Dress Appropriately. Although black dress is no longer required, choose subdued or darker colors for your attire. Loud colors or busy prints should be avoided. If you are unsure of what to wear, a conservative choice is always best. Express your Sympathy. When you attend a wake, approach the family and express your sympathy in a caring and thoughtful manner. It is appropriate to relate your memories of the deceased. Introduce yourself to each family member if you are not previously acquainted. It is not appropriate to ask about the cause of death. Sign the Guest Registry. Use your full name and address. Additional written comments are not appropriate for the registry. If the person who died is a business associate, it is proper to list the affiliation since the family may not be familiar with your relationship to the deceased. Give a Memorial Gift. Gifts in memory of the deceased are often made, particularly when the family has requested gifts in lieu of flowers. If the family designates a specific organization or charity, please honor this request. Remember to provide the family s name and address to the charity for proper notification of your gift. Memorial flowers or gifts can be sent to the family residence at any time.

12 Special Bonus Gift Care Tip #4 What to Do When Someone Returns to Work after a Loss? It s a scene played out in most every workplace. A coworker returns to the office after being on bereavement leave. The employee has been off from work after the death of someone very close. He looks busy, so you and the others in the office are reluctant to approach him. If you re tempted to simply avoid him, please consider these tips instead: Acknowledge the Loss. Even if it s in a small way, this is important. Gather everyone together to sign a card. Place the card on your co-worker s desk. Never avoid the grieving person. Tell your co-worker you re thinking of him or her, and you re sorry for their loss. It is best to acknowledge the person and their loss in your first contact with the person at work. The longer you wait, the more difficult it will be for you. Do not share similar experiences. Never say, I know just how you feel. Everyone s experience is different. It s better to simply listen and give hope and encouragement when possible. Share the work load. I t s been proven that people who are grieving cannot work at the same cognitive level as they did before the loss. It will take time for them to get back up to speed. A good manager might suggest having someone share the load for a while. Obtain support. Corporations often offer resources to help employees with grief issues. If your corporation does, please take the initiate to learn about grief to provide support to your colleague.

13 About Chelsea Hanson As an author, Chelsea Hanson has the special gift of finding the right words when they are needed most. Having experienced loss and transcended grief herself, Chelsea provides a sense of comfort and understanding to help you with your grief. Her reassuring words provide hope that you too will be able to journey through grief and find a new appreciation of life. As an entrepreneur, Chelsea founded With Sympathy Gifts and Keepsakes to help you express your sympathy, remember your loved one or just find support. About With Sympathy Gifts and Keepsakes The heartfelt mission of With Sympathy Gifts and Keepsakes is to help the millions of people who are grieving to receive the sympathy and grief support they need: To Help You Express Your Sympathy. When you don t know what to do or say, let the comforting messages in our gift collection express your sympathy for you. Your support and thoughtfulness will provide comfort to the recipient and will always be remembered. To Help You With Your Loss. If you are personally grieving a loss, let our supportive messages and keepsakes help you and remind you that your loved one is always with you, loving you and guiding you. For additional support, please visit: