Surviving After Suicide: Reaching Out To Help Others

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1 Spring 2013 Surviving After Suicide: Reaching Out To Help Others GET READY TO STEP FORWARD AND PREVENT SUICIDE Making a difference can be as easy as taking a walk in the park at upcoming Step Forward To Prevent Suicide events this spring. Starting in April, Sioux Falls area residents can register at helplinecenter.org to participate in the Step Forward to Prevent Suicide 1.5 mile walk or 5K fun run that will take place at Falls Park June 22. Gregory area residents can register at connecttaskforce.com to participate in a 1.5 mile walk at the Gregory City Park, to be held that same day. The online registration process makes it simple and effective for volunteers to create a team, fundraise, share their personal stories, order event shirts and educate about suicide prevention. Both events start at 9 am and will be followed by remembrance services for those who have lost loved ones to suicide. Proceeds from the two events will stay 100% in South Dakota, supporting both the Helpline Center in Sioux Falls and the Connect! Community Task Force in the Gregory area. The Helpline Center answers the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (NSPL) for all residents of South Dakota, taking about 1,000 calls annually. In Sioux Falls, the walk will also help support the Helpline Center s teen texting program, which has experienced a recent, significant cut in funding. The Helpline Center and the Connect! Community Task Force both also provide suicide prevention trainings, plus aftercare services for those who have lost loved ones to suicide. Mary Ellen Dirksen will serve as the event s honorary chair, walking in memory of the brother she lost to suicide seven years ago. She hopes her message of healing will resonate with those who attend the event. I want to tell families that everyone grieves differently. Everyone s intensity is different at different times. Even if they feel alone, they are a team. It might take time, but they will make it through, she said. The remembrance ceremonies at each event will include an inspirational speaker and a balloon release. Avian Sunrise will also play music at the Sioux Falls event. Call (605) for more information.

2 Spring 2013 VOICES TRAINING GIVES POWER, HOPE TO SURVIVORS Mary Ellen Dirksen s journey toward healing began seven years ago when she lost her brother to suicide. It started out as a lonely path, leaving her to grieve privately with her family. Now, she is on a mission to keep others from suffering in silence by telling her story of loss. Mary Ellen recently completed the Helpline Center s Survivor Voices training, which teaches survivors of suicide to safely and effectively share their stories of loss with community groups, the media, friends and family. The focus of the program is to empower survivors to help prevent suicide, and offer resources to other survivors, by sharing their personal stories. Six Sioux Falls area survivors participated in the first training five months ago. Mary Ellen said Survivor Voices helped her get past the anxiety of sharing her story and connected her with others who shared similar experiences with suicide. I felt that raising awareness was so important it far exceeded any feelings I had that it might be difficult, she said. I was surprised at how healthy it was to go through the class, and how much I learned that resonated with me, helping me with my experience. The Survivor Voices graduates have put what they learned in action, talking to a dozen groups in the community so far. Mary Ellen gave her presentation to local law enforcement officials recently and came away feeling the support of all she encountered. I was most surprised that I saw the emotion in their faces. They were able to feel a part of the loss. They came up to me with tears in their eyes to shake my hand and thank me for speaking. Lori Montis, who co-facilitates teaching the Survivor Voices program with another staff member, said such responsive crowds speak to the quality of the Survivor Voices training. The training provides the survivors with a structure for speaking about a very emotional issue. It gives them guidance to tell their story in a way that s safe for them and educational for the audience, she said. The stories are very emotional, and we want the audiences to feel empowered to make a difference, too, by hearing how to better support other survivors in our community. Mary Ellen said the training helped her bring an inspirational message to those who listen to her story. You start remembering your loved one, and you go down in an emotional valley. The classes remind you to bring it back up and to end your presentation with a message for hope, she said. I tell people it can happen to them. I tell them to know the warning signs and to understand there are resources to deal with their situation. Another Survivor Voices training will be held in May, with additional trainings throughout the year. Mary Ellen hopes survivors will come forward to participate and find it a healing experience. I would tell people who are interested in the training that the possibility of helping save one life or helping one family far outweighs any fear you would have of talking about your loss. The more of us out there speaking, the more we can help people heal. For more information, please call (605) The 40th Annual American Association of Suicidology Conference, Challenging Our Assumptions and Moving Forward Together will be April in Austin, Texas. The 25th Annual AAS/AFSP Healing After Suicide Conference is Saturday, April 27th at the same location. For more information or to register for either conference, go to:

3 LIBRARY OFFERS HELP FOR THOSE WHO ARE HURTING Writer William Nicholson once said, We read to know we are not alone. As survivors of suicide often feel isolated in their grief, the Helpline Center offers a lending library that can connect those who have lost a loved one to suicide with others who have shared their experience through the written word. The library contains a variety of books dealing with the grief process, including four by Dr. Michelle Linn-Gust who lost her sister to suicide. A Winding Road: A handbook for those supporting the suicide bereaved, co-authored by John Peters, is intended to educate those we seek to help survivors of suicide. In Do They Have Bad Days In Heaven, Linn-Gust recounts the loss of her sister to suicide in 1993 and the impact it had on her family. She also uses the book to explore grief in children, teens and adults, plus advice for talking about the loss of a sibling. Rocky Roads, The Journeys of Families Through Suicide Grief guides families through the grieving process and helps each person regain their strength. The books serves as a road map for the family unit, with the goal of strengthening the family after suicide loss. In Seeking Hope: Stories of the Suicide Bereaved, Linn-Gust and her co-author Julie Cerel, help other suicide survivors share their experiences. The 14 stories feature survivors who came through their grief and desire to help others in similar situations. The Helpline also offers books to help children understand suicide, including Red Chocolate Elephants, which mixes reading with activities. The book is meant for adults and children to read together, and then discuss feelings the child may be having about a loved one s death. The activities in the book, which also comes with an interactive DVD, range from making a talking stick to express feelings to drawing pictures of a loved one who has died. To check out books or for a children s book about suicide, call or The Surviving After Suicide Support group meets the first Thursday of each month at 7 pm at the Non-Profit Center, 1000 N. West Ave. in Sioux Falls. Dial or call for more information. The next Surviving After Suicide Support Class will begin April 16. This free, nine-week course helps survivors ages 16 & older deal with their grief. Call Sandy Parham at to register.

4 HELPLING YOURSELF WHEN A PARENT DIES BY SUICIDE This article was reprinted with permission by its author, Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D., the founder of the Center for Loss & Life Transitions. For more information about this author, or to order books by Wolfelt, visit Your mother or father has died. Whether you had a good, bad or indifferent relationship with the parent who died, your feelings for him or her were probably quite strong. At bottom, most of us love our parents deeply. And they love us with the most unconditional love that imperfect human beings can summons. You are now faced with the difficult, but necessary, need to mourn the loss of this significant person in your life. Mourning is the open expression of your thoughts and feelings about the death. It is an essential part of healing. Realize Your Grief is Unique Your grief is unique. No one grieves in exactly the same way. Your particular experience will be influenced by the type of relationship you had with your parent, the circumstances surrounding the death, your emotional support system and your cultural and religious background. As a result, you will grieve in your own way and in your own time. Don't try to compare your experience with that of other people, or adopt assumptions about just how long your grief should last. Consider taking a "one-day-at-a-time" approach that allows you to grieve at your own pace. Expect to Feel a Multitude of Emotions The parent-child bond is perhaps the most fundamental of all human ties. When your mother or father dies, that bond is torn. In response to this loss you may feel a multitude of strong emotions. Numbness, confusion, fear, guilt, relief and anger are just a few of the feelings you may have. Sometimes these emotions will follow each other within a short period of time. Or they may occur simultaneously.while everyone has unique feelings about the death of a parent, some of the more common emotions include: Sadness You probably expected to feel sad when your parent died, but you may be surprised at the overwhelming depth of your feelings of loss. It's natural to feel deeply sad. After all, someone who loved you without condition and cared for you as no one else could have is now gone. If this was your second parent to die, you may feel especially sorrowful; becoming an "adult orphan" can be a very painful transition. You may also feel sad because the loss of a parent triggers secondary losses, such as the loss of a grandparent to your children. Allow yourself to feel sad and embrace your pain. Relief If your parent was sick for a time before the death, you may well feel relief when he or she finally dies. This feeling may be particularly strong if you were responsible for your ill parent's care. This does not mean you did not love your parent. In fact, your relief at the end to suffering is a natural outgrowth of your love. Anger If you came from a dysfunctional or abusive family, you may feel unresolved anger toward your dead parent. His or her death may bring painful feelings to the surface. On the other hand, you may feel angry because a loving relationship in your life has prematurely ended. If you are angry, try to examine the source of that often legitimate anger and work to come to terms with it. Guilt If your relationship with your parent was rocky, distant or ambivalent, you may feel guilty when that parent dies. You may wish you had said things you wanted to say but never did-or you may wish you could unsay hurtful things. You may wish you had spent more time with your parent. Continued on page 5

5 HELPING YOURSELF WHEN A PARENT DIES CONTINUED Continue from page 4 Guilt and regret can be normal responses to the death of your mother or father. And working through those feelings is essential to healing. As strange as some of these emotions may seem, they are normal and healthy. Let yourself feel whatever you may be feeling; don't judge yourself or try to repress painful thoughts and feelings. And whenever you can, find someone who will hear you out as you explore your grief. Recognize the Death's Impact on Your Entire Family If you have brothers or sisters, the death of this parent will probably affect them differently than it is affecting you. After all, each of them had a unique relationship with the parent who died, so each has the right to mourn the loss in his or her own way. The death may also stir up sibling conflicts. You and your brothers and sisters may disagree about the funeral, for example, or argue about family finances. Recognize that such conflicts are natural, if unpleasant. Do your part to encourage open communication during this stressful family time. You may find, on the other hand, that the death of your parent brings you and your siblings closer together. If so, welcome this gift. Finally, when there is a surviving parent, try to understand the death's impact on him or her. The death of a spouse-often a husband or wife of many decades-means many different things to the surviving spouse than it does to you, the child of that union. This does not mean that you are necessarily responsible for the living parent; in fact, to heal you must first and foremost meet your own grief needs. But it does mean that you, a younger and often more resilient family member, should be patient and compassionate as you continue your relationship with the surviving parent. Reach Out to Others for Support Perhaps the most compassionate thing you can do for yourself at this difficult time is to reach out for help from others. Think of it this way: grieving the loss of a parent may be the hardest work you have ever done. And hard work is less burdensome when others lend a hand. If your parent was old, you may find that others don't fully acknowledge your loss. As a culture, we tend not to value the elderly. We see them as having outlived their usefulness instead of as a source of great wisdom, experience and love. And so when an elderly parent dies, we say, "Be glad she lived a long, full life" or "It was his time to go" instead of "Your mother was a special person and your relationship with her must have meant a lot to you. I'm sorry for your loss." Blended or nontraditional families can also be the source of disenfranchised grief. If you have lost someone who wasn't your biological parent but who was, in the ways that count, a mother or father to you, know that your grief for this person is normal and necessary. You have the right to fully mourn the death of a parent-figure. Seek out people who acknowledge your loss and will listen to you as you openly express your grief. Avoid people who try to judge your feelings or worse yet, try to take them away from you. Sharing your pain with others won't make it disappear, but it will, over time, make it more bearable. Reaching out for help also connects you to other people and strengthens the bonds of love that make life seem worth living again. Be Tolerant of Your Physical and Emotional Limits Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you fatigued. Your ability to think clearly and make decisions may be impaired. And your low energy level may naturally slow you down. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Nurture yourself. Get enough rest. Eat balanced meals. Lighten your schedule as much as possible. Allow yourself to "dose" your grief; do not force yourself to think about and respond to the death every moment of every day. Yes, you must mourn if you are to heal, but you must also live. Continued on page 6

6 HELPING YOURSELF WHEN A PARENT DIES CONTINUED Continued from page 5 Embrace Your Spirituality If faith is part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you are angry at God because of your parent's death, realize this feeling as a normal part of your grief work. Find someone to talk with who won't be critical of whatever thoughts and feelings you need to explore. You may hear someone say, "With faith, you don't need to grieve." Don't believe it. Having your personal faith does not insulate you from needing to talk out and explore your thoughts and feelings. To deny your grief is to invite problems to build up inside you. Express your faith, but express your grief as well. Allow Yourself to Search for Meaning You may find yourself asking "Why did Mom have to die now?" or "What happens after death?" This search for the meaning of life and living is a normal response to the death of a parent. In fact, to heal in grief you must explore such important questions. It's OK if you don't find definitive answers, though. What's more important is that you allow yourself the opportunity to think (and feel) things through. Treasure Your Memories Though your parent is no longer physically with you, he or she lives on in spirit through your memories. Treasure those memories. Share them with your family and friends. Recognize that your memories may make you laugh or cry, but in either case, they are a lasting and important part of the relationship you had with your mother or father. You may also want to create lasting tributes to your parent-child relationship. Consider planting a tree or putting together a special memory box with snapshots and other keepsakes. Move Toward Your Grief and Heal To live and love wholly again, you must mourn. You will not heal unless you allow yourself to openly express your grief. Denying your grief will only make it more confusing and overwhelming. Embrace your grief and heal. Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself. And never forget that the death of a parent changes your life forever. Please consider making a donation to the Helpline Center to support suicide prevent & survivor services N. West Ave. Ste. 310 Sioux Falls, SD Admin: help@helplinecenter.org Call (605) or go to helplinecenter.org today.