Complex Trauma. Shapes What I Believe About Myself Part 2

Transcription

1 Complex Trauma Shapes What I Believe About Myself Part 2

2 Complex Trauma - repeated danger Exposure to multiple forms of danger - When a child does not feel safe, when they can t fully relax, when they feel all alone in keeping themselves safe and in handling the world They walk on egg shells, are always on guard; they can t trust anyone but themselves for safety Causes Abuse, Neglect, Abandonment, Basic Needs not consistently met Responses Fight, Flight, Freeze Result #1 Complex Trauma shapes what a person believes about themselves

3 3 important parts to developing self-identity Inherent questions 1. a) b) Do I have value? Do I matter? Do I have anything to offer? Am I lovable? Desirable? How do we find answers to these questions? 2. a) b) c) Cultural values what characterizes the ideal person body, abilities, $, lifestyle By how significant people treat me By what significant people say to me The answers provided by Complex Trauma 3. The child feels that the trauma is their fault; that they somehow brought it on themselves

4 a) b) c) d) I am neglected/abandoned/abused because I m not lovable or valuable; or because I am a burden, or too needy, or bad. Nobody loves me, so that proves I m not lovable. I am laughed at and made fun of regularly, so that means I m stupid, incompetent, an embarrassment to others People call me fat/stupid/a failure; so it must be true. Result #1 an internal picture about self gradually develops I am not valuable, not lovable, not desirable, not good enough, less than others; a failure, a burden, a pain

5 Shame - Core Belief about one s identity Also referred to as very low self-esteem Note: 1. This core belief is shaped by distortions 2. How powerful the effects of Complex Trauma are in shaping what one believes about themselves House of mirrors mirrors that give a distorted picture if the only mirror in your house as a child was a distorted mirror If someone were to place an accurate mirror in front of the child

6 Result #2 How a child responds to shame A) Priority 1 last week to not get hurt again B) Priority 2 to hide to not let others see what they are really like for fear they will also reject them a) Isolate a) Geographically b) Behind walls may be very social but they won t let anybody get close to them b) Wear masks Some wear different masks depending on what group of people they are with; some become chameleons

7 Result Seems to work, but it doesn t; it just makes things worse. They end up hurting themselves i) Don t know who they are ii) iii) Insecurity would people still treat them this way if they saw what they are really like Creates anxiety c) Image successful, perfect family The image they choose is tied into their value system and the value system of their culture gang culture vs mainstream culture Notes:

8 i) ii) iii) They feel they can t fix their internal world the real them; so they attempt to create a great external world Some may seem successful, but if they aren t healing on the inside, they will have trouble in relationships and life, and cracks in their image gradually appear To maintain an image takes a lot of energy. Some people relapse to their addiction as a way of taking a holiday from maintaining their image Perfectionist d) Problem their shame still controls them, so they judge themselves harshly, and very negative tapes play in their head

9 e) People pleasing f) Don t bother trying anything after all, they ll only fail Note: This fear of failure makes them afraid of change or to try anything new g) Hide from themselves i) Shame = Pain = I need something to medicate the pain ii) iii) Shame = I don t like myself = I need something to avoid living in my own skin Easily results in addiction and constant busyness/distractions

10 C) Find an area where they have value a) Body, beauty b) Sex/promiscuity i) Feel desirable ii) c) Brains Be better than others better in bed, slept with more d) $/Possessions e) Position/Career f) Religion g) Bad Result always something to prove; always in danger of someone besting them. Creates more insecurity and causes them to see others as competition/threat

11 D) Relationships a) Must be in a relationship it confirms they are lovable and desirable b) Long for intimacy, but are afraid of it c) Fear of abandonment d) Jealousy e) Need to feel superior f) A sad result - Attracted to people with similar shame Note: These things set up relationships to fail

12 Healing - Healing from complex trauma involves healing shame. 1. Hang around healthier people accurate mirrors Boundaries with unhealthy mirrors Value of spiritual 2. Replace lies/distortions with the truth 3. Clean conscience 4. Service 5. Talk about your shame to people who will not judge you, but love and accept you. 6. Be patient. It takes time.