Are Men Naturally Monogamous

Transcription

1 1 Welcome to day 7 video number 2. Day 7 Video 2 Are Men Naturally Monogamous Alright, so, let s answer this big question right now. Are men naturally monogamous? Interesting question, huh? Is monogamy natural for men? Is just being with one woman a natural thing for men to do? I know that a lot of people ask this question, wanting to know what is natural and what isn t natural for us humans to do. In fact, it s not just men in question here, people ask also whether women are naturally monogamous or not. So let s discuss such, I guess, controversial topic. By the way, I m not just giving you my opinion in this video like everyone else is. Opinions can be cheap. Instead, I want to give you reasons, rationales, real life examples of everything that I share with you. Because I know there are people who are dead set on monogamy, and there are people who are dead set on polygamy. So I want to give you an unbiased perspective on it, so that you can make some decisions for yourself.

2 2 So before we even touch on the question of whether men are meant to be monogamous or not, let s just think about what is natural? Think about it, really, what is natural in today s world? Is going down to your local McDonald s and getting a happy meal natural? Well, the act of eating is quite natural to us, but I don t think the happy meal is natural in many ways. Is tying up your shoe laces a natural thing to do? Hmmm. Interesting, maybe it s more like a learned behavior. But we still do it, most of us do it every day. We don t seem to mind it. Is starting a business a natural thing for us to do? Keeping in mind that 9 out of 10 businesses fail within the first 5 years. If it was so natural, why would so many fail? And if starting a business isn t so natural, why do thousands of people every day start new businesses? So I think at the end of the day, we don t just want a life that is natural, we want a life that is fulfilling. In fact, ironically, our emotions and instincts were made not for our fulfillment, but for our survival. Isn t that funny? So naturally speaking, we were made to

3 3 be overly possessive, overly competitive, overly insecure, overly greedy, overly fearful, overly jealous and overly needy. All of those so called bad traits actually helped us survive. A man who is overly possessive and competitive passed on more of his genes. A woman who was overly needy had better chances of surviving and had better chances for her babies to survive. You see, it was all geared towards survival but unfortunately survival isn t a problem anymore. Lack of fulfillment is in this twenty first century world. So I ve gone off on a tangent a little bit here. But can you see how perhaps our goal isn t actually to ask what is natural, but perhaps what is going to be fulfilling for us long term. Looking back in time, polygyny, which is one man having many women, was very pronounced. It was literally everywhere. A study showed that almost 1000 of 1154 past or present societies allowed a man to have more than one wife. Now that s close to 90%. Can you believe that? The Christians practiced it, so did Jews. In fact, polygyny

4 4 was the pattern throughout out the evolution of our species. It was only very recently in our evolution that the idea of monogamy came into the picture. So how does all of these work? Well, we re going to talk about the dual mating strategies that men are hardwired with. You see, men and women both have two distinct strategies when it comes to mating. And I m not talking about strategies you came up with yourself, I m talking about strategies that are hardwired into you from millions of years of evolution. So remember I mentioned in day 1 that for men, sex is not love, well, I m going to explain why in a moment. Now before I go on about the two different mating strategies of men, let me tell you women s dual mating strategies so that you can relate to what I m talking about. You see, women, when choosing a mate, will either go for someone who is a solid secure provider, or someone who is a bad boy. And this is usually one or the other. Because for a man usually to be a secure solid provider, he has to be very responsible, and make sure he predictably goes to work

5 5 every day to earn his living. It s great for women, because that s security, and all women desire some security deep down inside. But the solid provider isn t going to be much of a bad boy if he goes to work all the time and is responsible all the time. You see, what the bad boy has are good signs of superior genetics. They are risk takers and they are way more exciting. And some women tend to gravitate towards this type of men for their genetic value. And because women can only have so limited number of children, they are choosier when it comes to who s sperm to take to produce a baby. All women want babies with good genetics. But the problem is, if a woman goes for a bad boy, she doesn t have the security that she ll always be looked after. You see, it s usually a trade-off. Can you relate to what I m saying here? There s no better or worse mating strategy, they are completely different and they serve different purposes.

6 6 So some women not wanting to miss out, they marry a good provider, and when he s working, she goes and sleeps with a bad boy. It s such a common theme now, I haven t watched this but I think the whole idea of the TV show The Desperate Housewives was built on this conflicting mating strategies. Now I m not promoting a woman to marry a good provider and then sleeps with a bad boy, in fact, as a guy I don t like to see that, but I just wanted you to see the two different mating strategies that women have. And it s very obvious in the real world. You can easily tell if a woman is looking for a secure provider or a bad boy. Now men have two mating strategies too. So let me share with you what they are. But first, let s talk about a man s biology, how he s built. We already know that men produce way more sperm than he could ever use. Each male ejaculation contains between 100 to 300 million sperm. So men can freely waste them. Because they ll just produce more of them.

7 7 In fact, men produce so many sperm that half of them come out messed up anyway, broken tails, deformed lining, missing heads. You see, the man s body isn t quite designed to nurture sperm, but rather produce them in mass, and fire them out. The whole idea is to produce as many as possible. So just imagine yourself as a man for a moment. If you were producing hundreds of millions of sperm every single day without stopping, what is the best way for you to pass on your genes on if you were a hunter? Well, it would be kind of intuitive to spread those millions and millions of sperm as much as you possibly can, right? So that is definitely one of the oldest mating strategies men have. It s in fact the default strategy. Let s call this the sluttiness strategy. So keep imagining yourself as a man, and let me ask you this. As a man, when you want to spread as much of those millions of sperm you have inside of you, is it smart or not so smart to get attached to a woman. The obvious answer if you re thinking like a man, is no. Definitely no attachment. Why?

8 8 Because any type of attachment will make it hard for a man who wants to spread sperm to continue spreading a lot of sperm. So men have evolutionarily separated love and attachment with the act of sex. There are of course exceptions when the man is highly developed and matured and he s able to combine these two things together. But for the most part, that s why sex and love has become almost two different channels in the brain of a man. You can have sex and lust, or you can have love. Even one of the greatest psychologist Sigmund Freud once said Where they love they cannot desire; where they desire they cannot love. So men can have sex with a woman, and not feel a thing for her. In fact, men can have sex with women whom he hates. It s much harder for women. Because women don t have millions of sperm, they have an egg, which is 85,000 times larger than a sperm, and it takes on average 29.5 days to nurture an egg down its passage way. So mathematically, one egg is worth about 10 billion sperm.

9 9 So eggs are valuable. Sperm is cheap. Sex is not a big investment for a man. Sex is a massive investment for a woman. That s why in almost every culture, women get called names when she isn t too careful with sex whereas men don t. So I really want you to see this, it s the oldest mating strategy is for males to have lots of unattached sex with no commitment, no love, just sex. So no, men will not be monogamous when he s using this strategy. He wouldn t even know what monogamy is. Then the other mating strategy for men is to find a woman, and invest all his energy into this one woman and her children. This strategy was developed when us human babies become more and more vulnerable for longer periods of time. Remember I mentioned earlier in this program that the amount of male investment in the relationship is directly related to the length of childhood dependency. Which means the longer it takes for the offspring to mature and able to fend for itself, the more so, the male will stick around to protect the nest and help nurture the young.

10 10 The longer the childhood, the less male to male competition. Because all the males are too busy fathering. And as you probably know, us humans have by far the most vulnerable babies when they re born, out of every single animal on this planet. According to scientists, If we gave birth around the developmental stage as other apes, then a woman would be pregnant for over 18 months. Not to mention that she would need hips probably 3 times as wide. So of course, this is where men became fathers, and developed a pair bond with the mother. This is the male mating strategy where the man will easily commit to you, no problems. So in a way, if you want your man to commit, you have to inspire him to use this pair bond mating strategy, not the first one. And I m going to talk to you more about this in the next video. So men have two different types of kids, kids that they invest heavily in, and kids that they abandon. Some men will work their lives away for one woman and his family. Men don t plan for this by the way, it just happens when the right woman comes along. And then

11 11 some men will have sex out of lust and then run away, trying to avoid that commitment because they had no attachment feelings in the first place. So men have 2 completely different mating strategies. One of them involves spreading their sperm to as many women as possible, in hope to impregnate some of them. And the other strategy is to invest everything in one woman, create that pair bond and giving her and the babies all the resources to give them maximum chance at life. So are men meant to be monogamous? Yes, but no, and no, but yes. It literally depends on which mating strategy he chooses, and which mating strategy you trigger in him. A man will never be monogamous if he s living as a sperm spreader. He has no reason to. Think of men who are single and go around and never gets attached to a woman, those men are sperm spreaders. But if a man is heavily invested in a woman, then he is more likely to be monogamous. Why do I say more likely to be monogamous? Because a man has always more sperm than he ever needs or that he can ever use. Always. It s evolution, and it s all to do with propagating the species.

12 12 So evolutionarily speaking, a man always has enough sperm left for impregnating other women. That doesn t mean he ll act on it or even have the desire to act on it, but that s just how men are built. Remember, sex and love are completely different things to men. It s like the difference between the sports channel and the discovery channel. They are completely different things to men. That s why men are more opportunistic when it comes to sex. Think of what happened to Tiger Woods, he had a beautiful wife Elin, who he gave all his resources to. He was committed in the sense of financial commitment and provided a great lifestyle for her. So which strategy is this? The provider pair bond strategy right? But obviously Tiger & Elin weren t very close emotionally, and you can see that in photos of them taken together. The body language clearly shows that they had issues in their relationship. So what did Tiger Woods do? He probably wasn t experiencing his own sexual energy and the dark side with Elin, so he went outside the marriage and had a bunch of affairs with many different women.

13 13 By the way, did he care of those women that he slept with? No, they didn t. He wouldn t fork out the money to even pay for the cab home for those women. Yet he spends millions of dollars on his wife. And my bet is, he still cared just as much for Elin after he had all those affairs. Can you see the two different strategies here? And if you were to ask him, my bet is, he never ever cared for all those mistresses, and he had way more care of his own wife, because that is the way the two male mating strategies work. Now I m not defending what he did. But I just want that to be an example of the how a man is hardwired. You see, most women are afraid that men will leave them if their man were to have sex with other women. That s not true at all, because it s how women think using their feminine brain, not how men think. Men will only leave a woman and go for another woman, if the man feels attached to another woman emotionally. That s it.

14 14 So what this means, is that as a woman, you will lose a man s attention and resources if he falls in love with another woman, but not if he has just casual sex with other women. Because again, we re talking about the two different mating strategies men have. Sex and love are two separate things for a man. A man has the ability to never feel attached to a woman no matter how much casual sex they have. It doesn t mean he won t feel attached to her, it just means he has the ability to not ever be attached. Whereas women will always feel more attached after weeks and months of casual sex. It s because women are hardwired differently than men. Attachment is what women need to ensure survival. Detachment is what men need to ensure his reproductive success as a man. It s just that men and women have different agendas. Neither men nor women are the better sex, we are all just the way we are, and the more you understand about all of this, the more freedom you will have in your life and in your relationship because you ll be able to see the truth, and as overused as it is, the truth will set you free. So, are men naturally monogamous?

15 15 Yes, when he is in love with a special someone. But most other times, not really. So what you really have to do is make yourself that special someone. You can t just be like everyone. Do men all want multiple women, definitely not. But certainly a large portion of men do. But then again, most men don t really know what they want until it s right in front of them. So perhaps you re questioning whether monogamy is the best way to go about a relationship. That s okay to question things. Monogamy is a road only for those who believe in it. And, here s what I believe. There s no better feeling in this world to be in love with that someone special. It s really a unique specialness to be romantically exclusive with someone. And to me as a man, that beats casual sex with a thousand women. But I can t say the same about other men. So monogamy is really just a choice. Will all men value it? Probably not. But I can assure you that there are literally millions of good men who do value it.

16 16 So how does all of this affect you? Well, it just means that you have to be smart and knowledgeable enough to inspire a man to be faithful to you, inspire him to be monogamous with you. This is what the next two videos are all about. Now you have all the information, all the facts, the next couple of videos will tell you what you need to do to inspire a deeply committed relationship from a man where he s faithful only to you.