1/14/18. How to Talk with Your Kids about Sex. Why?!?! Do they really need to know this stuff?

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1 How to Talk with Your Kids about Sex Why?!?! Do they really need to know this stuff? Amy Howard, MS Our sexual identity is part of what defines us. Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Certified Sex Therapist From Birth to Infancy: WHEN do I start and WHAT (in the world) do I say? Correct name for body parts and use those names every time Normalize self-stimulation Ages 2-3: Appropriate public versus private self-touching Who can touch their private parts and who Consent and Touching It's not ok to hug/kiss/touch someone if they don't want you to Safe vs unsafe touch Your body belongs to you You have the right to decide if someone else may touch you We as the parent model consent when siblings and friends cannot are playing 1

2 Body Safety Rules: #1: No one is allowed to touch your private parts. #2: You should not touch someone else's private parts. #3: No one is allowed to take pictures of your private parts. #4: If someone tries to touch your private parts, say "no." Body Safety Rules: #5: When playing with friends, play with your clothes on. #6: You are allowed to have privacy when bathing, dressing, and going potty. #7: You have permission to say "no" and get away if someone tries to touch your private parts of breaks any of your body safety rules. #8: We don't keep secrets in our family. If someone asks you to keep a secret, tell an adult. Preschool/Early Elementary Play: Harmless or Problematic: EXPECTED MAY BE PROBLEMATIC AGES OF CHILDREN: SIMILAR MORE THAN 3 YRS APART CHILDREN SEEM: Giggly, curious, happy Aggressive, angry, fearful, withdrawn ACTIVITIES: AFTER DISCUSSION WITH PARENTS: Undressing, playing doctor, "You show me yours, I'll show you mine." Behavior stops Oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse; penetration with fingers or objects Behavior continues Childhood vs Adulthood Sexuality There is a difference. Parents often assign adult meanings to childhood sexual behaviors. Childhood behavior is naïve and curious. Childhood behavior doesn't usually direct to erotic feelings, as we adults understand them. 2nd-4th grades: Where do babies come from? How does the baby get there? How do sperm and egg get together? How does the sperm get into the woman's body? Q: Where do babies come from? A: From a special place inside the mommy's body called her uterus. 2

3 Q: How does the baby get in the uterus? A: When a man and woman love each other (this is a great place for you to insert your own values here such as when they are married, in college, are x years old) the man has sperm and the woman has an egg. The man's sperm fertilizes a woman's egg and a baby grows. Q: How do the sperm and egg get together? A: The sperm is made in the man's testes, and the testes are inside his scrotum (great place to talk about male/female anatomy) and the egg comes from the woman's ovaries. The sperm and the egg meet in her fallopian tube and then the fertilized egg travels down the fallopian tube to the uterus. In the uterus, there's a nice, cushy layer of nutrients, and the fertilized egg starts to grow there. Q: How does the sperm get into the woman's body? A: When a man and a woman (insert values here, such as love each other, only want to be with each other, are married) the man puts his penis inside the woman's vagina and the sperm comes out of his penis in a fluid called semen, and it goes into her vagina. The sperm goes up into her uterus to her fallopian tube, where it meets the egg. 5th and 6th Grades: More detailed anatomy lesson Reproduction specifics and mechanics of sex (how semen is made, ovulation, menstruation, nocturnal emissions) Puberty and changes in the body (hair growth, deeper voice, oily skin, growth of breasts and penis, sexual thoughts and feelings) Masturbation and orgasm 5th and 6th grades cont. Your hopes and dreams for their sex lives Safer sex options (birth control, abstinence) Reinforce you are a safe person to ask and that there is nothing off the table Ask them what they think about the topics and get their opinions Internet safety and expectations American Academy of Pediatrics recommends: By middle school your kids should know: Parent's expectations and values Names and functions of male and female sexual organs What sexual intercourse is and how females become pregnant What happens during puberty and what the physical changes of puberty mean 3

4 American Academy of Pediatrics recommends: Nature and purpose of the menstrual cycle Same-sex relationships Masturbation, abortion, oral and anal sex How to prevent pregnancy Activities that spread STIs (specifically HIV/AIDS) Sexual abuse prevention skills and information 7th to 9th grades: Reinforce the lessons you've already taught Review birth control options What if scenarios and troubleshooting Role of the media: take advantage of teachable moments Role of self-esteem: their sexuality is something to be proud of, sex under the right circumstances 7th to 9th grades cont. Be an Askable Parent Teenage girls and masturbation: permission and education about selfstimulation Sexting and internet: review house rules regarding internet Dangers and risks Permanence of internet Surprise inspections of FB pages, cell phones Your children know they can approach you with their questions. Seek opportunities vs waiting for their questions. Reflect on what you learned as a kid and teen. Would you change anything? You as the Parent Great! Where do I start? Your own feelings and thoughts about sexuality and intimacy Your own experiences growing up Are you and your partner on the same page? Check in with yourself before you pass on any baggage to your kids Important to share your own feelings, values, and beliefs with your kids Tell them WHY you feel the way you do. (helps them think critically) Picture books (Robie Harris is my favorite) Educate both your sons and daughters Both parents' job to teach their children about sexuality 4

5 What do I do if my child asks a question? Why do parents freak out? Pause and take a breath Validate their question ("That's a really great question!") Get some context. See what they know. ("Tell me more about that great question. What brought that up today?") Give a short response (2-3 sentences) Ask "Did that answer your question?" End with telling them they can always come to you with their questions. Our amygdalas are activated and go into primal response of FLIGHT, FRIGHT, or FREEZE mode This shuts down our reasoning Slow, deep breaths bring our cortisol levels down Helps us think more clearly Buy some time by validating their question and asking what they know What if I mess up? Look for a time to reintroduce the topic again later It's ok to tell your child "I'm sorry" or "I was wrong." Look for Teachable Moments Not just a "one time talk" Sexuality education is ongoing All around us (pregnant woman at park, new baby, music, tv, movies, pop culture) Be Sex Positive Common questions: Our bodies are amazing and they do amazing things! The do's and don'ts and learning how to say no are important It's also important to learn how to say yes Consent and touching (When is it ok to touch me? To have a hug?) What intimacy are you modeling at home? Q: What if my child asks about my own personal behavior? A: Ok and acceptable not to give your own sexual history. Q: What if my child walks in while we're having sex? A: Be prepared and have a plan for what to do. React calmly, ask your child to leave and go back to their room, ask your child what they saw/what they think was going on. 5

6 Most important take-away: Use this as a teachable moment Great opportunity to share your values about love, intimacy, and privacy Message: Adults show each other love by physically touching. Sometimes mommy and daddy lie naked together. Only for grown-ups who love each other (Message: This is adult behavior.) Message about privacy and closing the door It's never too early to start talking about body parts, boundaries, safety, and privacy. These are the building blocks to talking to our kids about sex. Don't stay silent. The earlier you start, the better. Parent Resources for Ages 3 to 6: Parent Resources for Ages 7 to 9+: It s MY Body A book to teach young children how to resist uncomfortable touch Lory Freeman and Carol Deach Don t Be Scared To Tell Kathy Delgado Chatteron and Sam Lotfi What Makes a Baby--- Cory Silverberg, MA It s NOT the Stork! A book about girls, boys, babies, bodies, families and friends Robie Harris and Michael Emberley What's the Big Secret? Laurie Krasny Brown, Ed.D. and Marc Brown It's So Amazing! A book about eggs, sperm, birth, babies and families Robie Harris and Michael Emberley Sex Is a Funny Word---Cory Silverberg, MA Good Pictures Bad Pictures: Porn Proofing Today s Young Kids Kristen Jensen and Gail Poyner Will Puberty Last My Whole Life? REAL Answers to REAL Questions from Preteens About Body Changes, Sex, and Other Growing Up Stuff Julie Metzger, RN MN and Robert Lehman, MD The Girls Body Book: Everything You Need To Know For Growing Up YOU! Kelly Dunham and Laura Tallardy The Boys Body Book: Everything You Need To Know For Growing Up YOU! Kelly Dunham and Steven Bjorkman Parent Resources for ages 10+: Parent Resources: It's Perfectly Normal! Changing bodies, growing up, sex and sexual health Robie Harris and Michael Emberley The "What's Happening to My Body?" Book for Girls Lynda Madaras with Area Madaras What's Going on Down There? Answers to Questions Boys Find Hard to Ask Karen Gravelle with Nick and Chava Castro Spare Me The Talk A Guy s Guide to Sex, Relationships and Growing Up (13+) Jo Langford, MA Spare Me The Talk A Girl s Guide to Sex, Relationships and Growing Up (13+) Jo Langford, MA Body Drama Real Girls, Real Bodies, Real Issues, Real Answers, (14+) Nancy Redd GLBTQ: The Survival Guide for Queer and Questioning Teens Kelly Huegel and Steven Cozza Great for same gender parent families by Leslea Newman: Mommy, Mama, and Me Daddy, Pappa, and Me 6

7 Article about Consent Websites: This Is How We Teach Kids About Consent by Schroder, Gillis, Utt, and Royse (article): Bird+Bees+Kids (website for all things youth and healthy sexuality for parents) Scarleteen: Sex and R ship Edu for teens and emerging adults Contact Information: Website: Amyhowardtherapy.com amyhowardtherapy@gmail.com Phone:

Key Concepts Guide. Rev. March 2015 Page 1 of 13

Key Concepts Guide. Rev. March 2015 Page 1 of 13 Key Concepts Guide Key concepts are main ideas. They convey big-picture ideas. Birth control is good at preventing pregnancy and Everyone has the right to say who touches their body and how are both key