PART 2 TALKING ABOUT THE BIRDS AND THE BEES:

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Bennett Sims
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1 PART 2 TALKING ABOUT THE BIRDS AND THE BEES: Understanding and Embracing the Challenge of Guiding Your Child s Sexual Development PTA Parent Workshop/Discussion Mary Katherine Boncher, Ph.D. PTA Psychologist I. Review: A. Be aware of your level of comfort/discomfort with discussing sex and sexual development with your child. 1. What is your biggest fear? 2. How can you prepare to deal with areas of the discussion you fear or which pose discomfort for you? 3. Remember that you will choose many things about the discussion according to your comfort level ie. using anatomical drawings, books for children about sexuality, question and answer format. Think through what format will be most comfortable for you and your child B. Put sex/sexuality in a relationship context 1. Every day events will give you plenty of chances to teach about topics related to sex 2. Teachable moments a. pregnancy or birth in the family - conception c. watching television d. discussing advertisements 3. Use proper names for all body parts 3. Find out what our child already knows 4. In raising the discussion or answering questions give accurate age appropriate information. 5. See if your child wants or needs to know more. 6. If child asked a question, check to see if your discussion answered the question. 7. Talk openly and let your child know that he/she can ask you questions (if you do not feel prepared to address a question in the moment you can always let your child know that you will talk about their question after you think more about it) 8. Don t let gender difference between you and your child stop you 9. Be honest - if you are uneasy talking about sexuality or answering certain questions you can note your limitations. II. Framing the Discussion A. Introduction of the topic 1. Now that you are 8/9/10 years old and beginning to mature, I/we want to begin an important discussion with you about sex and how babies are made. 2. There is a lot to learn about sex and how babies are made. As with any learning, we will spend time on discussing this as you grow up. 1

2 B. Be prepared to address all of the key facts 1. Use simple language and concepts 2. You can start with a little and add more information in future discussions. 3. Eventually, you will need to cover: how the sperm gets into the woman III. Sample dialogue components A. Introduction 1.We are really excited that you developing and learning so much. 2. We want to make sure we as a family help you learn about the human body and human sexuality, which are an important and very special part of life. 3. We want to make sure that if you have any questions you ask them 4. We will answer your questions even if we need to take time before we get back to you with the answer. 5. We want to teach you about how wonderful and special your sex and sexuality are and how to be a responsible with your sexuality. B. Body parts 1. We think that you know all the proper names for body parts and the different parts that males and females have from each other. 2. Let s review the parts of the body that are different between males and females that we can see. Later we will talk about the parts that are different on the inside that we do not see. Go over gender based sexual differences - use drawings or book. Address sexual changes that come with age using drawings or book (This is just the broad sweep - more specifics about sexual development and puberty will be another discussion) 3. At this point you can go over internal sexual differences or wait and come back to this as part of explaining sperm and eggs. 4. Give lots of praise about child s knowledge and learning and about how beautiful and important this information is. C. What do you know about where babies come from? 1 Ask what your child knows. 2. Listen carefully Get a sense of what your child knows Get a sense of your child s comfort level Praise don t criticize Begin to offer more or corrective information. 3. You can start with baby being in mommy s stomach 4. Babies are created from a special kind of seed inside of daddies called sperm and a little egg that is inside of mommies. 5. The sperm and egg combine and a baby starts growing. 2

3 or Babies are created when the sperm from the father/man and the egg from the mother/woman come together. 6.The baby grows inside of the mother/woman s uterus and then after about nine months the baby comes out of the mother s uterus and is born. D. How does the sperm get from daddy to mommy? 1. This is the part of the discussion with which many people are most uncomfortable. 2. When a man and woman (or husband and wife) love each other and they want to have a baby, they get very close. The man puts his penis inside the woman s vagina and when they rub together, sperm come out of his penis and travels into her body. If one of the man s tiny sperm meets one of the woman s tiny eggs, together they start to grow into a baby. The baby grows inside the mother s body in a place called the uterus. When it is big enough to be born, it leaves her uterus through her vagina. That s how you came into the world. Making a baby is something you only do once you re older/married/grownup and ready for it. When a man and woman rub their penis and vagina together like that, it is called having sex. People do that even when they are not trying to make a baby. Grown-ups who are in love do it because it feels really good, and it s a way of saying they love each other. 3. Here you can go back to male and female anatomy and address internal sexual differences and the journey of the sperm and the egg. Include information about menstruation as it relates to the journey of the egg E. Be prepared to address other ways babies are created or have come to be your child 1. Adoption by same or opposite sex couples There was a woman who was good at growing babies in her body. She started growing you but wasn t able to be a mommy yet. We were ready to be parents or daddies and we really wanted a baby, she let us become your parents. 3

4 With adoption, there are different opinions about when to tell a child about being adopted. The National Adoption Information Clearinghouse ( offers summary of the research and helpful advice to parents 2. Other methods of insemination, egg donation, or surrogacy With invitro fertilization, gamete intrafallopina transfer, donor insemination, egg donation, surrogacy, there is less research on how or when to tell your child. E. Additional discussions Basic Information: It takes three things to make a baby. A woman s egg and a man s sperm to start the baby, and a woman s uterus for it to grow in. You have to get all three things in order to make a baby. This is how your were created 1. Help your child learn that sex is natural and healthy but it is meant as part of a mature, committed relationship. a. Children this age already have a developed sense of right and wrong include sexuality in the development of morals b. Focus on responsibility, values, consequences 2. Puberty and sexual development Take the time to talk to your child about sexual development. And continue to have this discussion. Puberty is when the onset of sexual maturity starts and reproductive organs become functional. Triggered by sex hormones, changes occur physically, mentally, emotionally, and behaviorally. There is no set age for the start puberty. For girls puberty usually starts between ages 9 and 16. For boys puberty usually starts a little later Physically girls breasts start growing, there is the appearance of pubic and underarm hair, an overall growth spurt weight and height gains, development of waist and hips, increased production of oil in the body causing greasy hair and skin blemishes, white vaginal discharge shortly before first period, and perspiration. The ovaries begin to send out eggs and menstruation begins. The average age at start of menstruation is 12.5 During puberty a boy s testicles will start to release testosterone. This hormone is responsible for most major changes in his body during puberty. 4

5 The first sign of puberty is likely to be enlargement of the testes, thinning of the scrotum and possibly a light growth of pubic hair. There may be body odor for the first time. Male breasts may swell and the color around the nipple area may change. The voice will become lower. Boys, like girls, grow hair under their arms, in their pubic area, on their arms legs, and for some on their chest and face. The boy may experience rapid changes in height and weight with growth spurts usually reaching a peak about 2 years after the start of puberty. Boy s testicles start to make sperm. 3. Questions or issues that come up as children get a little older How old do girls have to be before they can have a baby? Why do boys get erections? What is a period? Why do some men like other men? The mechanics of sex and reproduction Menstruation and what to do about it Ejaculation, including wet dreams What to expect in terms of breast development New hair in new places Feelings and attraction, sexual arousal and other swells of emotion Opposite and/or same sex attraction REFERENCES Berman, Laura, Dr. (2009). Talking to your kids about sex. Eyre, L. & Eyre, R. (1998). How to talk to your child about sex. St. Martin s Press: NY Richardson, J. & Schuster, M. A. (2003). Everything you never wanted your kids to know about sex but were afraid they d ask. Three Rivers, Press: NY 5

6 Resources for Talking with Your Children About Sex. Ages 4 to 8 Amazing You by Dr. Gail Saltz Dutton Children s Books, 2005 Drawings and Story about boys and girls bodies and differences. How Babies Are Made by Andrew C. Andry, Steven Schepp Published by Little Brown & Co, 1984 Originally published in 1968 it addresses "the birds and the bees": beginning with flowers, then moving on to chickens, dogs and finally humans, the authors show how reproduction happens in a similar way for all types of living creatures. It s So Amazing by Robie Harris and Michael Emberley Published by 2002 Mommy Laid An Egg! or Where Do Babies Come From? by Babette Cole Published by Chronicle Books, 1996 The book begins with the parents telling their kids the fanciful myths about babies' origins. Then the children, amused at their parents' lack of knowledge, proceed to explain where babies do come from. A wonderful book, with just enough information for small children. So That's How I Was Born! by Robert Brooks, Susan Perl (Illustrator) Published by Aladdin, 1993 Joey comes home from school, confused and upset about what his friend told him about how babies are made. Told in a narrative fashion, this book briefly addresses body differences between boys and girls, intercourse, fertilization, pregnancy and birth Where Did I Come From? by Peter Mayle, Arthur Robins (Illustrator) Published by Little Brown & Co, 1984 The author explains the "facts of life" in a very matter-of-fact, humorous way, with illustrations that look like anybody's mom and dad. The book addresses the names of body parts, the process of intercourse, pregnancy, and birth. 6

7 You Were Born On Your Very First Birthday by Christa Kieffer (Illustrator), Linda Walvoord Girard Published by Albert Whitman & Co, 1983, 1992 A very pretty and sensitive book about pregnancy and birth (does not deal with conception). It is told from a second person point of view, as though the child being read to was the infant. Includes good in utero descriptions and drawings. Lacks multicultural drawings. What's the Big Secret?: Talking About Sex with Girls and Boys by Laurie Krasny Brown, Marc Tolon Brown, Little Brown & Co The light tone of this book helps make the topic a little less serious. Lots of cartoonish drawings but not enough content. Resources for Talking with Your Children About Sex. Ages 8 12 Boys, Girls & Body Science: A First Book about Facts of Life by Meg Hickling, Kim LaFave (Illustrator) Harber Publishing 2002 Girls Are Girls and Boys Are Boys: So What's the Difference? by Sol Gordon, Vivien Cohen (Illustrator) Published by Prometheus Press, 1991 Addresses differences in biology between girls and boys. The main focus is on refuting stereotypical gender roles in a humorous way. It s Perfectly Normal by Robie Harris and Michael Emberely, Candlewick Press, 2004 My Body, My Self for Girls, Revised 2nd Edition (What's Happening to My Body?) by Lynda Madaras and Area Madaras Newmarker Press, 2007 Sexual development and overall puberty. My Body, My Self for Boys, Revised Third Edition (What's Happening to My Body?) by Lynda Madaras and Area Madaras Newmarker Press, 2007 Sexual development and overall puberty. Puberty By Alvin Silverstein, Virginia Silverstein, Laura Silverstein Nunn, 200 Not cartoonish 7

Growing up. W Worksheet 3.1: Percentile growth charts

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