The Cure for Fear. Workbook. Robin Sharma

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1 TheCureForFear Robin Sharm a

2 The Cure for Fear Workbook Robin Sharma

3 Table of Contents Introduction... 1 Welcome... 1 How to Use this Workbook... 2 Journaling... 2 Learning Goals... 3 Fear Keeps You Small... 4 Anger and Fear... 7 Perfectionism and Fear... 7 Negativity and Fear... 8 The Twelve Core Human Fears One: Failure Two: Success Three: Rejection Four: Not Being Good Enough/Smart Enough Five: Not Having Enough Six: Fear of Looking Different Seven: Fear of Losing Control Eight: Fear of Being Alone Nine: Fear of Illness Ten: Fear of Being Exposed as a Fraud Eleven: Fear of Love Twelve: Being Insignificant Why Fear? The Human Brain and Fear Enculturation The Growth Point The Eight Tools That Cure Fear One: Know Your Fears Exercise: Journaling Exercise: Fear Inventory Two: Validate Your Fears Exercise: Validation Meditation Three: Put a Voice to Your Fear Exercise: Action Item Four: Correspondence with Fear Exercise: Letter to Your Fear , SLI robinsharma.com

4 Five: Run Towards Your Fear Exercise: Visualization Exercise: Action Plan Six: Collage Exercise: Collage Seven: Tell Yourself New Stories Exercise: Your Future Story Eight: Love Gratitude List Conclusion , SLI robinsharma.com

5 Introduction Welcome In my work around the world as a success coach running workshops such as the Elite Performers Series and the Awakening Best Self weekend (see I have yet to meet anyone who is without fear. To be human is to have fear. And when we push through fear, we achieve true growth. Interestingly, the path to our best lives runs right through our fears. In this workbook I offer you a complete system that will help you to transcend your fears. In this workbook I will explain how fear sabotages you and how it manifests itself in your life. I will share with you the 12 Core Human Fears and the value of fear. Finally, I will detail the 8 Cures for Fear along and present exercises that will help you to master each tool. 2007, SLI 1 robinsharma.com

6 How to Use this Workbook At the end of this workbook are eight tools that cure fear. Try to complete all of the exercises in each section before moving to the next they build on each other. Remember that successful people consistently practice simple fundamentals, so dedicate yourself to getting the most out of each exercise. Take the time to reflect deeply and ensure that these fundamentals make it into your daily practice. This workbook includes several kinds of exercises. Some are simply questions for you to reflect on and answer. Others ask you to list goals or insights. Some ask you to take action on what you have just learned. Be sure to take some action on each day of the program. This is great practice for developing a Do it Now mentality. Journaling Keeping a journal is a proven and powerful way to make changes in your life. If you do not already have a journal, go out and buy one now. It does not have to be elaborate. You just need a notebook in which you can write down ideas and lessons from this program, your daily reflections, and your responses to the exercises contained in this workbook. 2007, SLI 2 robinsharma.com

7 Learning Goals The first step is to clarify what you want to learn from this program. By writing down your goals for this learning experience, you increase the value of the program exponentially. Complete the learning goals exercise below and return to it after you have finished the workbook. In the left-hand column write down what you hope to improve as a result of this program. In the right-hand column jot down a brief description of why this is important. The more emotional and personal the why is, the more powerful your motivation will be. Learning Goal #1 Why? Learning Goal #2 Why? Learning Goal #3 Why? 2007, SLI 3 robinsharma.com

8 Fear Keeps You Small Fear is the primary obstacle to human greatness. Fear keeps us small. Fear prevents us from living our dreams. Fear stops us from being authentic. And the sad thing is that most of our fears are not real. They are pure fantasies. They are mental constructs or hallucinations. Our fears are stories that we tell ourselves about how the world works. And they are not based on truth. I must confess that one of my greatest fears was public speaking. That may surprise you given that that s how I spend most of my days. However, when I was in university and law school, I structured my entire curriculum to avoid standing up on my feet and giving a speech. That fear kept me small. And it really was a story that I told myself. The story went something like, If I get up and share what I have to say, I may fail. Or People won t like what I have to say. Or simply, I ll look foolish. We see the world, not as it is, but as we are. That mental chatter was just a story that my fears were telling me an inaccurate story. The fact of the matter was that I was a good speaker. Eventually, I got to a point where I was able to say to myself, I am bigger than this. I m going to deal with my fear. And soon I was speaking to larger and larger groups. Now, I regularly speak to thousands of people at a time all over the world. The point of the story is this: What you resist persists. But what you befriend, you will transcend. And the day I began to get to know my fear and stand in my fear and befriend my fear was the day that I began to beat it. 2007, SLI 4 robinsharma.com

9 The Master and the Dogs One day a wise master went to visit a remote mountain temple. As he approached the temple he saw a pair of ferocious dogs chained to the entry gate. Upon seeing him, they barked and pulled against their chains. The monk accompanying the master said, I know these dogs look scary, but don t worry; they are chained to the wall and cannot harm you. As he passed the entrance to the temple, he looked back to see that the dogs had broken free from their chains and were racing directly towards him. Then the master started to run directly towards the dogs. The dogs were so surprised to see the Master running at them that they turned around and ran away. The story of the Master and the Dogs is a powerful metaphor for how to handle fear. If I continued to run away from my fear of public speaking, that fear would own me to this day. I would still be limited by it. But the day I ran towards my fear, I began to transcend it. That s one of the strategies of the wildly successful entrepreneurs and CEOs with whom I work. They feel the fears (because all of us have fears), and they run towards them. Courage is not the absence of fear; courage is feeling the fear and still doing the things that scare you. Here s another example of a limiting fear: the entrepreneurs who won t take their business to the next level. What if it fails? they ask themselves. Behind that thinking is fear fear of failure, fear of not being good enough. Here s another example. How about the managers who put on a social mask and talk in a certain way because they think it makes them look successful? I call it Airport Lounge Syndrome. I spend a lot of time in airport lounges, and it never ceases to amaze me how people speak in airport lounges. It s not real. It s not authentic. It doesn t ring true. Why do they say, Bob, you need to outline the implications of this strategy going forward in light of the incipient merger and acquisition? 2007, SLI 5 robinsharma.com

10 I believe that they talk like that because, at a core level, they are afraid to be themselves. They are afraid of what people will think if they take down that social mask and share more of their humanity in the workplace. The irony is that people are crying out to see the human side of you at work. The best way to connect with another human, whether it s a co-worker, a child, or your life partner, is to be real. When you have the courage to take down your social mask (yes, I know, it is scary), you give the person in front of you permission to take down their social mask. Then you have two human beings being real with each other, and that s when the magic begins. That s when you get true connection, when you get true understanding. You might be wondering about the word I m using, fear. So often when I m coaching people and I look at their limiting patterns and behaviours, I ll say, It looks like you may be in fear around that. And they ll say, No, I m not afraid of that. And that s because we think of fear as that state of complete terror. But fear comes in many forms. It can manifest itself as anxiety, frustration, or even anger. As I mentioned, avoiding being real at work is a form of fear. The constant need to be in control is also a form of fear. It could be fear of the unknown or fear of being controlled. Or what if your organization and your industry are going through a lot of change? Maybe you re in sales and your territory is being changed. That causes anxiety. You become frustrated. Behind that anxiety and frustration is fear. It s a fear of change, a fear of the unknown. It could be a fear of failure. It could be a fear of letting go of everything you ve known about your organization. 2007, SLI 6 robinsharma.com

11 So when I m talking about fear, I m not just talking about the terror-filled type of fear that we might face in a dangerous situation. I m talking about the fears that present themselves each and every day in your relationships and at work and at home and while you re driving to work and while you are alone. Anger and Fear Behind anger is fear. Before anyone gets angry, they get frightened. Let s say you are in a meeting at work and your co-worker gets very angry at something you said. I guarantee that before that co-worker got angry, she was frightened. You said something that triggered an ancient wound or a fear-based belief in that co-worker that then sent her into anger. It could have been a fear of not being good enough, a fear of being judged, or a fear of failure. The actual fear depends on the situation. Just trust that before someone goes into anger or, more important, that when you get angry, you get frightened first. Again, this is an opportunity to get to know yourself better, to go deeper into the beliefs that are limiting you. So the next time you get angry, ask yourself, What just frightened me? Perfectionism and Fear Think of people who are running a perfection schema. In their minds nothing is ever good enough; they could always have done better. No matter how successful they are, there is always a flaw. If they make a mistake, they feel humiliated for days. Behind these feelings is fear the fear of not being good enough, the fear of failure, the fear of scarcity. 2007, SLI 7 robinsharma.com

12 Negativity and Fear Negativity is fear. Look at people who resist playing their best game, or people who say that all of their success is due to luck, or someone who feels that no matter how hard they work, they ll never get a raise, lose weight, or find a loving partner. That is simply their fear talking. Please remember that on the other side of your fear lives your best life. Your fears show you where you need to grow. When you look at what is limiting you, you will see that it s fear. And once you get to know the fears that are playing out in the various areas of your life, you begin to grow into the next level in your life. Fears are not bad. They are actually wonderful teachers. Facing your fears is a giant opportunity to get to know yourself on a whole new level; yet most of us run away from our fears. Most of us look for escapes from our fears. We indulge in soft addictions such as television, eating, or needing to be in the company of others just to avoid those fears. As I ve said before, what you resist persists; and what you befriend, you begin to transcend. Fears are mental constructs. Whether it is a fear of public speaking, a fear of living at our highest potential, or a fear of taking risks they are all illusions. We make them out to be scary monsters and run away from them. In fact, we sometimes structure our entire lives to avoid facing these scary monsters. As a result, those fears own us. Fear plays out in all areas of our lives, and the more you get to know your fears, the more choices you have. 2007, SLI 8 robinsharma.com

13 The Three-Step Success Formula The Three-Step Success Formula is simply this: A C R It starts with Awareness (A). When you have greater awareness around your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors you can make better choices (C). When you start making better choices, you begin to experience better results (R). With better awareness of your fears, for example, you ll say Aha! That s my fear of not being good enough or That s my fear of failure. Then you can catch yourself in the moment and make a better choice. Rather than getting angry, you can be loving, you can be kind, you can be compassionate not only to the person sitting across from you, but also to yourself. With better choices, you are going to see better results. 2007, SLI 9 robinsharma.com

14 The Twelve Core Human Fears I run a weekend workshop called the Awakening Best Self weekend, and if you are truly serious about taking your life to the next level, I strongly encourage you to attend (please see People from all walks of life all over the world have gone through this two-day session and seen their lives transformed. They ve seen their relationships blossom and their careers move to new levels. It s a very powerful process. On the first night of the weekend I conduct an exercise that helps participants to identify and release their three largest fears. After doing this exercise with thousands of people from all over the world, I have learned that every single one of us struggles with the same core human fears. It s fascinating to watch the participants come in on Friday night with their social masks on, trying to look good, trying to look sophisticated, trying to look like they have it all together. (We all do that, don t we? Even when on the inside we might be falling apart.) On Friday night of Awakening Best Self weekend, we come together and strip away the social mask; we become really real. Everybody in the room talks about their fears, and the magic is almost palpable. One of the most important insights that I take away from that powerful, shared experience is that we all struggle with the same things. Sometimes we put people on pedestals people like Richard Branson, Mother Theresa, or Steve Nash. We think, These people must be so gifted, and we can t believe that they would ever feel fear. Yet they do. Every single one of us deals with the twelve core human fears because to be human is to deal with fear. 2007, SLI 10 robinsharma.com

15 After identifying the Twelve Core Fears, we will work on transcending them. Once you do the inner work to overcome these fears, you begin to let them go. However, you ll never be free of fear, because once you move through one of your fears, the next ones come to you. Your life in so many ways is the journey through all of those fears. The good news is that, as you move through your fears, you become more powerful. Things that bothered you or frustrated you or frightened you in the past no longer bother you, and you move into a whole new realm of possibility and beauty in your life. One: Failure Everyone struggles with a fear of failure. Yet, there can be no success without failure. So, by running away from failure, you are running away from the success that you deserve. The people who achieve the most fail the most. I fail on a regular basis. Why? Because I want to play my best game, and I take a lot of risks. As a result, I leave the Safe Harbour of the Known (SHK) on a consistent basis. I dream big dreams, and I try new things. Many of these dreams fail, and I understand that failure is simply part of the process. I used to be frightened by it, and now I embrace it. To me, failure is nothing more than market research. To me, failure is an opportunity to see what is not working so that I can get to what is working. Two: Success This might surprise you. You might say, No, Robin, I don t fear success. I want success. I crave success. I m ready for success. But a fear of success may be living in your subconscious, and your job is to do the inner work that will bring that fear out into the light of your consciousness. 2007, SLI 11 robinsharma.com

16 Usually our fear of success comes from our upbringing. Your parents may have cautioned you against being successful by saying, What will people think if you stand out? Perhaps they had a belief that said, Wealthy people are bad. Maybe they believed that money is inherently evil. (Money is not evil. It s money.) We replay these messages in our minds, and they become core beliefs. They then limit us by becoming a fear of success. Three: Rejection Too often we don t ask for what we want because we fear rejection. Most times our fear of rejection is based on a false assumption. For example, we don t ask for the better table in the restaurant. However, when we overcome that fear and ask for the best table, the server looks at us and says, Sure. I didn t know you wanted that table. Or we look at our life partner our husband or wife or boyfriend or girlfriend and when we finally muster up the courage to ask for what we want, they say, Oh, absolutely. I didn t know you wanted that. The truth is that humans are not gifted at mind reading. We have assumptions about what people will say if we ask for what we want, yet those assumptions are often wrong. The only way to truly find out is to take the risk and ask. The only way to find out the truth is to get into the game and have the courage to ask for what we want in a loving, respectful way. Paulo Coelho wrote in his wonderful book The Alchemist, What people think of us becomes more important than our destiny. And so often that s what this fear of rejection does to us: We become so consumed by what people will think of us that we give up on our dreams. 2007, SLI 12 robinsharma.com

17 Four: Not Being Good Enough/Smart Enough It astonishes me that so many of the successful people that I coach such as CEOs, professional athletes, and entrepreneurs struggle with self-esteem issues. These people always present very well. They are sophisticated, well-educated, and polished. Yet, when we go deep into the coaching process and try to move through their limitations, they say to me, Robin, you re absolutely right. Deep inside I just don t feel good enough. Psychologists call it the Imposter Syndrome. Outwardly, we appear successful and competent, yet on the inside we feel like a fraud. We attribute our good job to luck or are just waiting to be exposed as a fraud. So we work harder, look busier, and do more to choke down these feelings of inadequacy. Many times at the Awakening Best Self weekend people will say, I just don t feel that I m smart enough. Where does that come from? It goes back to childhood. Maybe their parents rewarded their brothers or sisters for being the smart one. Perhaps they just didn t enjoy school, and their friends teased them. Over time those messages turned into a belief in those children s minds that they are not smart. And now they are 25 or 45 or 65 years old, and they still have that core belief. Why? Because they ve never examined that fear and done the inner work to transcend it. Ask yourself, Are you afraid of not being good enough? Do you feel that you are not smart enough? Then ask yourself, How are these fears limiting you? Do they take away from your satisfaction with your work? Do they put extra strain on your relationships? Do they get you into trouble financially? 2007, SLI 13 robinsharma.com

18 Five: Not Having Enough We crave security, and yet we don t take the necessary risks to get to the next level because we are too scared of losing money. Or we resist sharing. Whether it s our love, our time, or our resources, we don t give anything away. We assume that life is a win-lose situation. If we give away energy or happiness, then there will be less for us. Well, we get from life not what we want, but who we are. If you fear scarcity, you are actually projecting that fear out into your world. If you are afraid of not having enough, it will affect your choices, and your choices will affect your results. I ll give you a specific example. Let s say that you are running a business. Things are going well, and your clients love you. Yet, deep inside, you fear not having enough because you grew up in poverty. Now your business is doing well, but rather than delivering outrageous value and being generous, you are obsessed with cash flow. Rather than underpromising and overdelivering, you overpromise and underdeliver. Rather than operating under a win-win philosophy, you think win-lose and chase every penny. Now imagine the result of that philosophy. Your customers quickly realize that you operate with a win-lose mindset, and they adopt the same win-lose beliefs (if they don t just leave you for a competitor). Instead of cooperating with each other to create value, you and your customers are starting to fight each other over quality, time, and cost. Your fear has created negative results in your business. And if you are not conscious and not taking absolute personal responsibility, you will blame your customers or the industry or your employees. However, the fact is that your fear of scarcity has created negative results. 2007, SLI 14 robinsharma.com

19 I ve had the privilege of coaching a number of billionaires, and each of them has created their own wealth; they didn t inherit it. Nor were their businesses or conditions easy. They came from all over the world and succeeded in a variety of industries. Interestingly, they all share a mindset of abundance. They believe in delivering outrageous value, in giving their customers more than they expect. These people also live in a constant state of gratitude; they appreciate what they have. You may say, Of course they believe in abundance and are grateful; they are billionaires. Well, the truth is that they felt this way long before they became wealthy. Their belief in abundance was the cause of their success, not the result. Six: Fear of Looking Different To fit in and thrive in the world, we have to behave a certain way. We obey the laws and customs of our culture or profession. However, this sometimes goes too far, and we end up putting on a social mask; we don t live our truth. We become lawyers because our parents expected us to become lawyers. We choose our spouses because we think that that s who we need to choose to appear successful. In doing this we commit the number one crime that a human being can commit self-betrayal. It is so important to be yourself. It is so important to do your dreams. It is so important to live by your values. That, to me, is the number one way to be happy. It s the number one way to live a beautiful life. Just be authentic. Live life on your own terms. Run your own race. And you can t do that if you worry about what people will think of you. Leadership is about asking yourself, What do I want to stand for in life? What are my dreams? Who am I? It s about stripping away all of the social constructs and being authentic. That s what Shakespeare meant when he said, To thine own self be true. 2007, SLI 15 robinsharma.com

20 Seven: Fear of Losing Control Many of us cling to the sense of power that controlling the world around us gives us. Whether it s the appearance of our office, how we organize our days, or how we raise our children, we need things to be just so. However, controlling behaviour is a losing proposition. When we control our children s lives, it prevents them from solving their own problems or choosing their own destiny. Our colleagues end up resenting us for our constant suggestions or micro-managing. Our spouses feel suffocated. And that need for control comes from fear fear of letting go, fear of the unknown. It s also a lack of trust. It comes from not trusting our own ability to adapt and deal with change, to constantly reinvent ourselves and take advantage of new opportunities. We cannot control the world around us; only our response. Eight: Fear of Being Alone At many workshops, once people start speaking their truths, they say, I m really scared of being alone. And this explains so much escapist behaviour. Rather than filling up their lives from the inside, they try to fill up their lives from the outside. Yet nothing on the outside money, job titles, fame can fill up the holes within you. One of the greatest keys to happiness is being able to be with yourself, love yourself, and appreciate who you are. You are walking down the wrong path if you believe that having more money, taking fancier trips, or wearing better clothes will make you happier. There is nothing wrong with those things, but they won t fill the emptiness within. Cherish your time alone. Use it to reflect, to read from the wisdom literature, or simply to do nothing. Spending time alone is the best way to truly know yourself, to learn to accept your 2007, SLI 16 robinsharma.com

21 weaknesses and celebrate your strengths. And your family and friends will appreciate the fuller, richer you when you spend rewarding time together. Nine: Fear of Illness Every time people tell me that they are afraid of getting ill, I look them in the eye and ask them which parent also had that fear. This fear, like many, goes back to childhood because we are taught to fear. Ten: Fear of Being Exposed as a Fraud What if people look behind our success and realize that we don t deserve it? What if we just got lucky? What if people find out that we aren t as smart or creative or successful as we look? Eleven: Fear of Love Just like the fear of success, this fear seems odd. Yet many of us have a fear of being loved. We fear love because we don t feel that we are worthy of being loved. You see it in relationships when people reject their partners before being rejected themselves. Here s the big idea: Our greatest fears surface when we are closest to our greatest love. It sounds like this: What if he or she doesn t love me? What if he or she gets to know me and doesn t like me any more? or What if I open my heart to love, and he or she leaves me? What often happens is that we reject our partners before they can reject us. And we lose what could be a powerful, beautiful relationship. In so many ways a fear of love is a fear of our own dark side. We fear that once people truly get to know us they will realize that we are selfish or lazy or bitter. To find a beautiful 2007, SLI 17 robinsharma.com

22 relationship, we have to both accept ourselves as we are and trust that our partners will also accept us. Twelve: Being Insignificant All of us, myself included, fear that we won t live lives that matter. We fear that after we leave the world, we will be forgotten, that we weren t able to do everything that we could have. I call this the Fear of Being Insignificant, and it runs the lives of so many of us. 2007, SLI 18 robinsharma.com

23 Why Fear? Why do we have all of these fears? They aren t logical. They sap our lives of happiness and success. They make no sense. Why are we afraid of public speaking when we are in fact very good at it? Why do we fear success if we truly want success? If we are actually healthy, why do we fear illness? The Human Brain and Fear Research into the human brain has proven that humans have a neurological fear network that we are hardwired for fear. Our brains are designed to get scared. To understand why fear is part of the human experience, we have to understand the evolution and structure of the human brain. There are three major parts to the human brain: the reptilian, the mammalian, and the neo-cortex. The reptilian part of the brain was the first to appear in our evolutionary history over 100 million years ago. It s a very basic part that is responsible for our basic instincts and is not capable of higher reasoning. The second part of the brain, the mammalian part, developed much more recently in our evolutionary history. It also develops second in the womb. This part of the brain contains the amygdale, which is the storehouse of our emotions. More important, it holds the entire history of our painful and difficult experiences. The amygdala is connected to the endocrine system, which is responsible for regulating hormones, especially the stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol. Released into the body, these hormones lead to the physical symptoms of fear such as queasiness in the stomach, sweaty palms, and increased alertness. 2007, SLI 19 robinsharma.com

24 Here is the key. The mammalian brain and the stress hormones evolved around a million years ago. At this time most of the threats that humans faced were physical threats. They were fighting for their lives on a daily basis back then. And those systems served us very well back when all of the challenges that we faced were physical dangers. Now, though, we no longer face many threats to our physical safety. Yet our brains are hardwired to protect us in that manner. E. O. Wilson, the pioneering evolutionary biologist, said, Human nature is a hodgepodge of genetic adaptations to an environment largely vanished, the world of the ice-age hunter-gatherer. The third part of the brain, the last part to develop, is called the neo-cortex. The neo-cortex is where the intellect lives. It doesn t just act on instinct like the reptilian brain; it has the ability to evaluate what is going on. It has the capacity to think and to reflect. And through the neo-cortex, which is the site of our higher reasoning, we can actually outthink our fear. We can outthink the instinctual responses of our reptilian brain. This is where the selfknowledge that I often talk about comes in. When we get to know the Twelve Core Fears, we can see how they play out in our relationships and at work how our fear of change affects our career opportunities, or how our fear of rejection arises just as we are about to ask for a better table at the restaurant. With that self-knowledge and self-awareness, we can use the higher reasoning abilities of our neo-cortex to outthink the natural fears that come up. Enculturation Our fears come from the neurobiological network that has evolved over the 100 million years of human evolution. However, they also come from our childhood. Sociologists call this 2007, SLI 20 robinsharma.com

25 process enculturation. In so many ways those who teach us how the world works teach us to fear. Who are those people? They are our parents, our teachers, and society at large. Now, I m not blaming our parents or our teachers; I m just offering some insight into how we pick up so many of our fears. The powerful idea is really this. Children act like their parents in order to get their love. As children, we crave the love of our mothers and fathers. As a result, we try to become like them at a subconscious level. We speak like them, we act like them, and we start to fear the same things that they do. For example, if your father was afraid of taking risks, there is a very good chance that you are also afraid of taking risks. You might not even know that you are afraid of risk, or you might not know where this fear comes from. This is because many of our fears live in the realm of the subconscious. Our minds are like an iceberg. The conscious part is like the tip of the iceberg above the waterline. However, most of our thinking, like most of the iceberg, lies below the waterline of consciousness. The job of the highly evolved human being is to go under the water to get to know the subconscious and get to know those fears that you might not even know that you had. You may look at your life and say, No, I don t have any limiting fears. But you probably do have fears that you aren t aware of. In other words, you don t know what you don t know. Carl Jung theorized that we have a shadow side; fears live in this part of our self. And it is not until we put our shadow side into the sunlight of our awareness and attention that those shadows, those fears, can dissolve. It s not easy, but that s where courage comes in. 2007, SLI 21 robinsharma.com

26 So if you had a father who was afraid of taking risks, there is a very good chance that you are playing out a similar pattern. If your mother was afraid of being herself, of being authentic because she was always worried about what her friends, family, or neighbours thought, then there is a very good chance that you are running the same pattern. Your parents grew up in very different conditions from you. You are not your parents; you are yourself. You are not your teachers; you are yourself. Examine your fears and let go of them. The key point is that we pick up our fears from the people who teach us how the world works. That process is called enculturation. Now that we are adults, we think we see reality as it is, but we don t. We don t see the world as it is; we see the world as we are. You have probably heard me say this a number of times in my workshops or writings: We see the world through a personal filter that I call the Stained Glass Window. We see the world through our personal context. If you see the world as a hostile place without any opportunity, just remember that this is a reflection of you, not the world. Your life was meant to be beautiful. You were meant to have prosperity, you were meant to have love, you were meant to have wonderful health. And all of that is always available to you. Remember to begin within. Success on the outside begins with success on the inside. The Growth Point When you are in traffic and someone cuts you off you have a choice. You can give them rudeness or you can give them love. Ken Blanchard 2007, SLI 22 robinsharma.com

27 If you ve been with me in other programs, you know about the life-changing concept I call the Growth Point. Between a stimulus (any event or action from the outer world) and our response, there is a 250-millisecond period in which we can choose how to behave. During this quarter of a second we can catch our thinking or our fear and make a better choice. This takes place in the neo-cortex. Here s an example. One day you are driving to work and another driver cuts you off in traffic. That is the stimulus. And that prompts a fear within your reptilian brain a fear for your physical safety or even a fear of not being respected and behind that may be a fear of rejection. Let s say that your usual response is to roll down the window and swear at them or gesture rudely at them. However, there is a period of time in which you can choose your response. You actually have a quarter-second window of opportunity in which you can catch your fear, in which you can choose not to roll down your window and swear at the other driver, because you are aware that this is one of your fears and that this is one of those situations in which this fear plays out in your life. Now you have the awareness that leads to a better choice. When you start catching your fears at home, at work, and on the street, you can actually start to make better choices. Remember, with better awareness, you make better choices, and with better choices come better results. As you begin to see those better results, you begin to create your best life. 2007, SLI 23 robinsharma.com

28 The Eight Tools That Cure Fear Here are eight powerful tools that will cure your fears. They are pretty simple, and you can start to use them immediately. They are not rocket science; they are not complex. I believe that, in so many ways, success is all about fundamentals, and these tools work. They have worked with so many clients around the world, and they will work with you. One: Know Your Fears There are a number of ways to increase your awareness of your fears. Regardless of the particular tool, the key is getting to know your fears. Take that walk into the cellar. Talk to the scary monsters and invite them up into the kitchen for a cup of coffee or a cup of tea. Then you will realize that they are a lot smaller than you think. After I ve encouraged people to face the fears that were keeping them small, they always come back to me and say, Why didn t I do this before? I was frightened when I did it, but afterwards I realized that my fears were so much smaller than I thought. It s a fact of life: Our fears are never as big as we make them out to be. 2007, SLI 24 robinsharma.com

29 Exercise: Journaling Writing in your journal is a proven and powerful way to identify and overcome your fears. For the rest of this workbook keep a journal and take special note of when fears arise and what causes them. Take the time to write about the options you have the next time you face fear. If you already write in a journal, take a look at past journals and look for entries where you wrote about fear, and add those fears to the inventory below. 2007, SLI 25 robinsharma.com

30 Exercise: Fear Inventory For each of the Twelve Core Human Fears write down the incidents or situations that trigger this fear, what the fear has cost you, and the benefits that you will experience when you cure the fear. Fear Trigger Costs Benefits 1. Failure 2. Success 3. Rejection 4. Not good/ smart enough 5. Scarcity 6. Looking different 2007, SLI 26 robinsharma.com

31 7. Losing control 8. Being alone 9. Illness 10. Being exposed as a fraud 11. Love 12. Insignificance 2007, SLI 27 robinsharma.com

32 Two: Validate Your Fears In order to heal your fears, you need to feel your fears. Often when a fear arises, we run away from it when what we need to do is to validate our fears by sitting in the space of our fears. The next time fear arises, notice where your fear occurs in your body. Does it manifest itself as tightness in your chest, a knot in your stomach, or shaking? Once you get to know those fears, you are prepared, so that when a feeling arises in your body, you say, Oh, that s my fear of rejection. Then just sit with the fear and pay attention to the fear. Fear is an emotion, and emotions are like rainstorms. They have a beginning, middle, and end. When you sit with it, eventually, it will pass you by. So the second tool is simply to validate your fears. Look the dragon in the eye, and then the dragon begins to dissolve like a puff of smoke. Meditate on your fear and if you do that on a consistent basis, you are going to experience some pretty powerful healing. 2007, SLI 28 robinsharma.com

33 Exercise: Validation Meditation Pick the three biggest fears from the Fear Inventory above and complete the visualization below for each one. Sit in a comfortable position. Take a few minutes to simply breathe and pay attention to all the parts of your body. Then, when you are relaxed, recall a time when you felt this particular fear. Imagine the circumstances as clearly as you can. Once you have imagined the circumstances, pay special attention to what you see, hear, and feel inside when you are in the space of this fear. When you are afraid, what sorts of visual images cross your mind? What do you say when you talk to yourself? How does your body feel? Pay attention to all of your responses to the situation. After sitting with your fear for a few minutes, thank yourself for doing this, and return your focus to your breathing and relaxing. When you have completed the meditation, fill out the following chart. For each of the three fears you meditated on, write down what you saw, heard, and felt during the imagined situation. For example, people who have a fear of meeting new people might visualize going to a cocktail party. During the visualization of meeting new people at a cocktail party, they might see strangers laughing at them, or hear their inner voice saying, Nobody likes you, or feel a tightening in their chest. 2007, SLI 29 robinsharma.com

34 Fear See Hear Feel Meeting new people People talking about me, people laughing at me, spilling my drink and embarrassing myself Nobody likes you, you say silly things, you aren t very interesting Sweaty hands, tense shoulders, tight stomach All of these responses are clues to your fears. If they emerge during visualization, then they probably occur when you are in the actual situation. By visualizing challenging situations and identifying what is going on inside of you, you become more familiar with the fear and better able to identify it and dispel the false assumptions that lead to it. 2007, SLI 30 robinsharma.com

35 Three: Put a Voice to Your Fear Have conversations about your fears with trusted advisors and people who understand you. Fear is a form of energy. If you can put a voice to your fear with a trusted advisor or one of your mastermind partners, then it will immediately seem smaller. You can say, You know what? I have a fear of rejection. I have a fear of not being good enough. I have a fear of illness. And you begin to talk through it. And as you talk through it, you are taking that shadow part that you didn t even know you had, and you are bringing it into the realm of the conscious, and that is life changing. You are holding that fear up to the sunlight where it can begin to dissolve. 2007, SLI 31 robinsharma.com

36 Exercise: Action Item Bring up a fear that you have with trusted friends or advisor. Tell them what you are afraid of. Let them know in advance whether you want them to just listen or to help you work through the fear. Use them as a sounding board to air your fears. Be prepared to listen to them if they want to share their fears at another time. This is also an excellent opportunity to discuss the beliefs that drive your fears. By repeating the self-talk (see previous exercise) of your fears out loud, you can start to examine the fears with your rational mind. For example, you may say, Whenever I hear about an illness, I think that I might have it and that I ll be too sick to work. This doesn t make sense because the chances that I ll get sick are really low. By the end of the conversation try to discuss what you will do to minimize the fear. Share your progress on the exercises in this workbook. Tell your friend about the practical steps that you are taking to cure your fears. Tip: Some people are better listeners than others. Share your fears with people who will listen to you and help you to clarify your thinking. Avoid getting into a conversation in which both of you are simply complaining. This is a working conversation focused on solving a problem, not a chance to compare how difficult things are for you. 2007, SLI 32 robinsharma.com

37 Four: Correspondence with Fear Write a letter to each of the fears that are limiting you in your life. Complete this letter with as much emotional engagement as possible. Tell the fear that it will no longer own you. Say that your life is so much bigger than the fear. The more you correspond with each of your fears, the less hold each will have over you. 2007, SLI 33 robinsharma.com

38 Exercise: Letter to Your Fear You are going to write a letter to two or three of your biggest fears. You may want to use the format below, or choose your own format. Use emotional language and tell the fear what you are going to do in the future. Dear Fear of, In the first paragraph describe what the fear has cost you emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally. In the second paragraph describe why this fear is untrue. For example, if you have a fear of success, you might write, I know that my friends and family will still love me when I am successful In the third paragraph tell the fear that it no longer has control over you. Tell the fear that you are aware of it, you know that it is inaccurate, and you know how you will deal with it the next time that it arises. In the final paragraph describe what your life will be like without this fear: I will confidently meet interesting new people ; My business will succeed. Yours truly, 2007, SLI 34 robinsharma.com

39 Five: Run Towards Your Fear The next time you feel one of your fears, take the opportunity to run towards it. For example, you may fear starting a difficult conversation or asking for something that you desire. When this happens, take a moment to silently acknowledge the fear. Once you have named the fear, go forward with the conversation calmly and positively. During your next Holy Hour take some quiet time to reflect on what happened when you faced your fear. How did you feel? What happened? You can also write about it in your journal or talk with a trusted advisor. 2007, SLI 35 robinsharma.com

40 Exercise: Visualization In this visualization you will imagine a fear and then picture yourself acting despite the feelings of anxiety. Sit in a comfortable position. Take a few minutes to simply breathe and pay attention to all the parts of your body. Then, when you are relaxed, picture yourself in the fearful situation. Imagine the circumstances as clearly as you can. Now, picture yourself facing your fear and taking action. See how people around you respond; feel the joy of overcoming your fear. Pay attention to the tactics you use to overcome the fear. Exercise: Action Plan Take a moment to create an action plan for facing your fear. In your journal write down what you will do the next time you face your fear. Describe what you will say, what you will do, and how you will deal with your self-talk. By creating an action plan, you are preparing yourself to handle the situation more elegantly. 2007, SLI 36 robinsharma.com

41 Six: Collage One of the best ways to move through your fear is to have a compelling reason to overcome what s holding you back. The more you are invested in your best life, the more you will be able to blow through your fears, no matter what they are. Creating a collage is an excellent way to keep your best life front and centre in your mind. The people I have seen succeed and live world-class lives have a detailed picture of their ideal world. They are excited about their dreams and greatest goals. 2007, SLI 37 robinsharma.com

42 Exercise: Collage Cover a piece of Bristol board or poster board with images of your best life. Use pictures that display what your relationships will look like, what your health will look like, the vacations you want to take, the impact you want to have on society everything. You need to create a giant visual image or collage of all the little images that describe your best life. Visit that collage on a daily basis ideally, in the morning, when your mind is most open to imprinting. The more you can see your best life in front of you, the more engaged you will be in the work that it takes to get there. Many people don t move through their fears because they don t have a burning desire to get to the next level. They don t know what their best life will look like. 2007, SLI 38 robinsharma.com

43 Seven: Tell Yourself New Stories Humans are story-telling animals. We define reality by telling ourselves stories about the world. You can reframe your reality by simply telling yourself new stories. Let s say you are running a perfectionism schema nothing you do is ever good enough. You ve accomplished a lot, you have a great family, you have a great life, you have great health, you have a great career, yet you feel unworthy. You feel that you are so far from the top of the mountain that you ll never get there. And behind that is a fear of not being enough perhaps the fear of not having enough. Now tell yourself a new story. You need to use a whole new set of words to describe your current reality. For example, a more helpful story may be this: You know what? It s great to reach for the top of the mountain. It s great to want to get better. It s great to want to be more. It s great to want to reach my highest potential. But it s always a balance. I m so blessed with what I have in my life right now. I live in the greatest country in the world. I have people who love me. I breathe fresh air. I have the opportunity to create my best life. 2007, SLI 39 robinsharma.com

44 Exercise: Your Future Story For the three fears you identified above, write a two- to three-paragraph story about how you will live from now on. Use detailed, emotional language that inspires you to run towards your fears. 2007, SLI 40 robinsharma.com

45 Eight: Love This is the simplest and most powerful of the eight tools. Love is the antidote to fear. What I m really suggesting to you is that where there is love, there cannot be fear. Love and fear cannot coexist in the same moment. Whenever you are feeling love whether it is love for your child, love for being in the moment or love for your work you cannot feel fear. And that s why I encourage you to make your life as much of a celebration as possible. That s why I encourage you to spend a lot of time in gratitude, to celebrate or count your blessings as much as possible, because, in my mind, gratitude is another form of love. 2007, SLI 41 robinsharma.com

46 Gratitude List Another way to tell yourself a new story is to write down everything that you are grateful for. Yes, there are things that are going very well for you right now. By focusing on what is going well, you will see more of it in your life , SLI 42 robinsharma.com

47 Conclusion I want to honour you for taking the time to go through this program. I want to celebrate you for taking the time to look at your fears and hug your monsters. Please remember that when you run towards your fears, they begin to lose their power over you, just like the Master in the Temple: When he ran towards to the dogs, they fled from him. Remember that there is no security in the Safe Harbour of the Known. That s just an illusion. Your greatest life lives on the other side of your fears. I ve realized that when I overcome a fear, push through it to new growth, life sends me my next set of fears. The top of one mountain is always the bottom of the next. When you get to the top of a great mountain, what do you see? Other peaks to scale. That is the growth school we call Life. It is a constant exercise of looking at your fears, moving through your fears with the tools that I have shared with you, and then tackling the next set of fears. Take a moment now to look back at the three learning goals you listed at the beginning of this workbook. By reviewing these goals, you are deepening your learning and ensuring that you will move through your fears. Throughout this workbook you have not only learned about fear and become familiar with your fears, but you have also faced several fears. You are becoming an expert at dealing with fear. When life throws its next set of fears at you, you will be ready to face them with the skills you have already put into action. Pay attention to what has worked for you so that you can use it again to get to your Next Level of Greatness. I d like to leave you with a quotation from Frank Herbert, the author of Dune: 2007, SLI 43 robinsharma.com