Foundations for Deepening Communication and Transforming Conflict Denise Jess Denise Jess Consulting

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1 Foundations for Deepening Communication and Transforming Conflict Denise Jess Denise Jess Consulting denisejessconsulting.com

2 Begin challenging your own assumptions. Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in awhile, or the light won t come in. Alan Alda 2

3 Comparing Observable and Concrete Behaviors to Over- Generalizations and Interpretations Observable and Concrete Behaviors Five out of the last six weeks, your reports have been turned in a day after they are due. Over-generalizations You ve been turning things in late a lot lately. Interpretations You seem really overstressed here at work. Perhaps your family situation is getting in the way of getting things done on time. It seems like you ve prioritized other tasks higher than these reports and aren t getting them in on time. I ve observed that on your last major project, you made several of the key decisions on your own without consulting others on the team. You always seem to make key decisions without consulting others. It seems you to like to work independently without input from others. Perhaps you rush too much to get things done without being very inclusive. I appreciate that you offer concrete suggestions and that you build on the ideas of others, rather than find fault with them. You seem to work really well with others on your team. You must really value what other people have to say. Perhaps you have a confidence issue and seek the advice of others too much. Denise Jess & Vida Gorman,

4 Escalator of Assumptions Adapted by Kathy Germann from The Fifth Discipline Fieldbook, Peter Senge, Art Kleiner, Charlotte Roberts, Richard Ross & Bryan Smith. Doubleday, Behavior/Response Actions based on positions Positions, The Truth Hard and fast convictions/beliefs Assumptions/Inferences Presumptions based on our spin Individual & Cultural Filters How we interpret or spin the data Perceived Data What we perceive is happening, selected facts All Data The entirety of what is happening 4

5 Reflecting on My Internal Processes Recall a situation where you had an interaction with someone whose perspective differed from yours and where this difference may have led to a conflict. What was my mindset before the interaction? How was I feeling before and during the interaction? What assumptions and/or judgments was I making about the other person? What impact did my feelings/filters/assumptions have on my ability to listen to the other person s perspective? What impact did my internal process have on the interaction? Kathy Germann & Denise Jess, Adapted from The Fifth Discipline Fieldbook, Peter Senge, et. Al., Doubleday,

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7 Moving From Positions to Needs Position Feelings Assumptions Needs It s your turn to do the dishes tonight, honey. Irritated, antsy, overwhelmed, angry You did not do the dishes last night You are taking advantage of me You never contribute to doing chores Rest Collaboration in a relationship Sense of equality Why don t you just do it this way? This is the way that I do it and it works. Impatient, angry, confused, helpful If only you would do what I m suggesting, you could be really successfully Your way will waste time Respect Adding value at work Competence I am the supervisor and you are supposed to listen to me You are not respecting me Vida Groman and Denise Jess,

8 Excavating Needs Notice your internal signals Hold the mindset of exploring beneath the surface Notice how you might get hooked and center yourself Be aware of the balance of express and receive Ask clarifying questions Help your coaching partner check any of her or his assumptions Ask powerful questions to help expand ideas and perspectives Check out and honor your coaching partner s feelings Share any relevant observations, ideas, stories Reflect back themes of what seems important to your partner Check with your partner to see if your understanding of her/his needs are accurate Denise Jess and Vida Groman,

9 Useful Questions for Excavating Needs How is this situation important to you? In what ways does this situation matter to you? What is most uncomfortable about this situation? How would you want this situation to look, feel and sound? What would change for you if this situation were resolved? What is your bottom line in this situation? What matters most to you here? If you had to let go of something here, what would it be? What do you need to change in yourself so that this situation could be resolved or moved forward? If nothing changed, how could you take care of yourself? Vida Groman and Denise Jess,

10 Feelings, Assumptions & Needs 10

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12 Examples of Underlying Needs Autonomy Celebration Integrity Authenticity Self worth Interdependence Appreciation Respect Safety Rest Rejuvenation Peace of mind Trust Acceptance Valued Kathy Germann Consulting,

13 There are two ways of meeting difficulties: You alter the difficulties or you alter yourself meeting them. -Phyllis Bottome 13