Crucial Conversations. May, 2015 Dr. Richard Brynteson

Transcription

1 Crucial Conversations May, 2015 Dr. Richard Brynteson

2 What happens every 8 seconds?

3 Why crucial conversations? Because of chronic problems Because the right conversations are not happening Because of the danger of not having the right conversations

4 Some typical crucial conversations: Talking to a coworker who behaves offensively or makes suggestive comments Asking a friend to repay a loan Giving the boss feedback about her behavior Approaching a boss who is breaking his own safety or quality policies Critiquing a colleague s work Talking to a team member who isn t keeping commitments Talking to a colleague who is hoarding information or resources Giving an unfavorable performance review

5 How do you want to show up?

6 How do you get hooked? Preparation!

7 ..but we are in this together.

8 Three Conversations (Difficult Conversations) What happened conversation? Feelings Conversation Identity Conversation

9 What happened? Explore each other s stories. We have different stories. We have different information. We have different past experiences. We have different interpretations. Our conclusions reflect self-interest.

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11 What happened? Disentangle Intent from Impact Our assumptions about intents are often wrong. We assume intentions from the impact on us. Getting their intentions wrong is costly. Good intentions don t sanitize bad impact. We ignore the complexity of human motivations. Watch your hypothesis on the connection between intention and impact.

12 What really did happen?

13 What happened? Abandon Blame: Map the contribution system Focusing on blame is unproductive because it inhibits our ability to learn what is really causing the problem. Distinguish blame from contribution Blame is looking backwards Contribution is looking forward A systems look

14 Emotions Conversation Unexpressed feelings Unexpressed feelings can leak into the conversation. Unexpressed feelings can burst into the conversation. Unexpressed feelings can make it difficult to listen. Unexpressed feelings take a toll on our selfesteem and relationships.

15 Don t forget the emotions conversation

16 Emotions Conversation Finding your feelings Explore your emotional footprint. Accept that feelings are natural. Recognize that good people can have bad feelings. Learn that your feelings are as important as theirs. Find the feelings lurking under attributions, judgments, and accusations. Express your feelings without judging, attributing, or blaming

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18 The Identity Conversation Difficult conversations can threaten our identity. Three core identities: Am I competent? Am I a good person? Am I worthy of love? 3. Three things to accept about yourself: a. You will make mistakes. b. Your intentions are complex. c. You have contributed to the problem.

19 Two Choices Silence Masking Avoiding withdrawing Violence Controlling Labelling attacking

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22 What We Do 1. We see/hear. 2. We tell a story. 3. We have feelings. 4. We act in a certain way.

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24 Watch for these stories! Victim Stories: It s not my fault. Villain Stories: It s all your fault. Helpless Stories: There s nothing else I can do.

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26 State My Story Share your facts. Tell your story. Ask for others paths. Talk tentatively. Encourage testing.

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28 Explore Others Paths Ask. Mirror. Paraphrase. Prime. Agree. Build. Compare.

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30 Competing my way or the highway High assertiveness, low cooperation Quick action Unpopular decisions Vital issues protection

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32 Collaborating two heads are better than one High assertiveness, high cooperation Integrating solutions Learning Merging perspectives Gaining commitment Improving relationships

33 collaboration at its best..

34 Compromising let s make a deal Moderate importance Equal power strong commitment Temporary solutions Time constraints backup

35 Compromising

36 Avoiding I ll think about it tomorrow. Low assertiveness, low cooperation Issues of low importance Reducing tensions Buying time Low power Allowing others Symptomatic problems

37 Avoiding..

38 Accommodating It would be my pleasure. High cooperation, low assertiveness Showing reasonableness Developing performance Creating good will Keeping peace retreating

39 Accommodating..

40 Dialogue or Debate? It is your choice.

41 We all have sooooo much to give..

42 Remember!!!! It is your choice. What is your purpose in this conversation? What tools can you employ?

43 Thank you very much!!!!!