Suicide: Changing the Way We Say It. I Don t Know Why

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2 Suicide: Changing the Way We Say It Once in a while I write a post regarding the language of suicide. I really hope that people will read it because it is very important for us to spread the word on how we speak of suicide. I've been thinking about it a lot again lately, especially since the two-year anniversary of my stepson's suicide was just on June 2nd, and wanted to share my thoughts in the hope that someone will read it and that that someone will also educate anyone, when given the chance, to help us with this mission to change how we say it: SUICIDE: It is a death that has so many layers and agendas that it adds another whole level of difficulty to an already terrible loss. Using the word "committed" before suicide is like fingernails down a chalkboard to someone who has lost a loved one to suicide. We are trying to change the language around suicide and no longer say "committed"...and I don't care for "completed" suicide myself (we wouldn't say that someone "completed" cancer or "completed a car accident). The reason that "committed" is a difficult term for the survivors left behind after a suicide has occurred is that "committed" generally indicates that what happened was a crime...from back in the Dark Ages when families were even imprisoned when a family member died of suicide (the stigma that still remains following a death by suicide is difficult enough and I pray one day there will be more understanding and education surrounding that as well). Death by suicide occurs usually by a person who is in so much pain emotionally and sometimes physically that they see that as the only option left to end that unbearable pain.. And they truly believe in their heart that they are helping their families by leaving this world...that their loved ones are better off without them. It is not the "coward's way out"...it is a pain that those of us without that level of hopelessness and darkness cannot begin to comprehend. Died "by" suicide. Died "of" suicide. Died "as a result of" suicide. Died "from" suicide. "Lost to" suicide; and even "took their own life" (because that is a reality)...but, please, never "committed". Help those who have suffered this unthinkable loss by changing the way you and others say it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading this. Please light a candle near a window at 8 PM on 9/10/2014 to show your support for suicide prevention, to remember a lost loved one, and for the survivors of suicide. I Don t Know Why I don t know why. I ll never know why. I don t have to know why. I don t like it. I don t have to like it. What I have to do is make a choice about my living. What I do want to do is accept it and go on living. The choice is mine. I can go on living, valuing every moment in a way I never did before, or I can be destroyed by it and, in turn, destroy others. I thought I was immortal. That my family and my children were also. That tragedy happened only to others. But I know now that life is tenuous and valuable. So I am choosing to go on living, making the most of the time I have, valuing my family and friends in a way never possible before..from the book, My Son, My Son, By Iris Bolton, whose son Mitch died by suicide. ~Cathy Seehuetter, TCF/St. Paul, MN Chapter

3 Welcome New Members Meeting Topics & Info September 4 - What s in a Name -The story behind your child s name. October 2 - Whispers of Love Signs from our children. November 6- Make Luminaries for Candle lighting Attending your first meeting takes courage and it is always hard to say welcome because we are so very sorry for the reason which made you eligible for our membership in TCF. However, we are glad you found us! We cannot take away your pain but we can offer our friendship and support, Do try and to attend at least 3 meetings so you have a chance to meet others who are bereaved and discover that special acceptance that occurs with new friends who truly understand. New to our chapter are: Joe & Phyllis Losorelli Parents of Austin September 1st- Deadline A friendly reminder, we must receive your newsletter renewal form by September 1st, if you would like to continue receiving our chapter s newsletter otherwise this newsletter will be your last! If you have lost the form, just call Alice ( ), or us at TCF.SCV@gmail.com to confirm that you would like to stay on our mailing list. Thank You You Are Invited To: The Compassionate Friends of The Ventura Chapter BALLOON RELEASE CEREMONY Being held at: Conejo Mountain Funeral Home and Memorial Park 2052 Howard Rd, Camarillo, CA SEPTEMBER 27, SATURDAY - 12:30 PM Balloons and Cards will be provided, Desserts & Beverages will be served at no charge. There will be a raffle and silent auction as a fundraiser. Alan Pederson, the Executive Director of TCF and bereaved parent will perform along with two other singers as well as a speaker who is a grief counselor. If you are interested in going, RSVP REQUESTED: Janice Anderson (805) , or GJANDERSON@SBCGLOBAL.NET, Please No Texting. Thank you so very much for your generous donations, they are greatly appreciated! Newsletter Renewal Donations: Suzie Moat in memory of her son Matthew Greg & Wendy Hearn in memory of their son Jeffrey Carole Rodriguez in memory of her son Wally National has a new Facebook page: TCF - Loss to Substance Related Causes. This page is open to parents, grandparents and siblings who have lost loved ones for any substance related cause. There is no good way to lose a loved one. Different causes create specific pain that can be eased sharing with another experiencing a similar loss. As an extension of the bonding created over years of sharing at conferences, we welcome you to this special closed page. To join, contact Mary Kress Lemley and Barbara Allen, our co-moderators.

4 Late September School Days... Some of you will have read or heard this before but one of the most stressful times for some bereaved parents is the opening of school. All the ads on TV and in the newspaper are of kids with new clothes, lunch boxes, and school supplies all reminding us that someone from our life will be missing this year. Whether your child died as an infant, during school age, or after they graduated will determine whether your pain will come from memories or unfulfilled longings, or, perhaps both. Maybe you wish you could go back to the days where everything seemed simple and you sent your child off to school in new clothes and everything was okay. Maybe your school-aged child died recently and with children on the streets again headed for school, you see one who, from the back, looks just like yours. I used to hold my breath until I could see their face. Or perhaps you are the only one who remembers that there should be one more child turning five and starting kindergarten, knowing that it should be your year to outfit your baby, meet their first real teacher, and watch them start turning into a big kid. Undoubtedly, you will have friends talking about losing their baby and will wish that you had this opportunity and that they will never know what it is like to truly lose theirs. Whichever your pain, it s real and may be easier to deal with if you think about it and talk about it with someone who understands. The day I am writing this newsletter would have been my son s 25th birthday. I wonder if he would have a child getting ready to start school this year. For some, the pain is knowing that because of your child s death, they are more distant from his or her children, and they think about those grandchildren at this time of year. For all of us, we remember our children, we cherish their memory, and we somehow, live on. TCF Newsletter, Central Arkansas Chapter This may well be the softest time of all. Does mild September still surprise your mind with memories you thought you would not have? Believe me, friend, that (after many tears) This may well be the softest time of all. ~By Sascha Wagner Thought for the Day It is not easy returning to the world of normalcy when your world is so upside down. It is not easy to stop being a mother or father to your child that has died. The thought for the day is a word patience patience with yourself who suddenly and powerlessly has been thrown into this horrid nightmare; patience with your spouse who always seems to be having an up day when you are having a down day; patience with relatives and friends who wish to help but seem to hurt with hollow advice and logical words; and patience with time, for it takes time to adjust, and time can move so slowly. PATIENCE! ~Rose Moen TCF Carmel-Indianapolis, IN A mother holds her children s hands for just a little while, But she holds their hearts forever. ~Betty Stenlake

5 Were Received From: Debbie DiCorrado In Loving Memory of her Brother: Michael Rodriguez 3/49-9/01 Kim Carone In Loving Memory of her Brother: Jeff Costin 5/17-9/3 Love Gifts We love you and miss you so much! You will always live on in our memories and in our hearts. Love, Mom, Dad, Kim, Victor, Ashley, and Ryan A Love Gift is a wonderful way to remember your child, grandchild, or sibling s birthday or angel dates or just to say I love you. What better way than to have their photo included in our newsletter along with a special memory, thought or message, article or poem from you. If anyone would like to make a donation in memory of their child, grandchild, or sibling you may give it to Alice or Diane at our meeting or mail it to Alice at Park Meadow Dr., Canyon Country, You can also the info to TCF.SCV@gmail.com Love gifts should be received by the 15th of the month to be placed in the following month s newsletter. What a special way to share and remember your loved one! Our chapter exists solely on voluntary, tax deductible donations. We thank you in advance for any donations you may be able to give or send. Your donations help to pay the expenses of our newsletter, purchase books & brochures, coffee & refreshments, new member s packets, business cards, and other miscellaneous supplies. They also fund our annual Balloon Release and Candle Lighting programs. We sincerely appreciate your support!

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