GERBIL CARE. C. Scott Ananian. July 16, ANNIE: I can t believe you forgot to feed the gerbils. LEM: I forgot to feed the gerbils.
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1 GERBIL CARE C. Scott Ananian July 16, 1997 ANNIE: I can t believe you forgot to feed the gerbils. LEM: I forgot to feed the gerbils. ANNIE: You forgot to feed the gerbils. LEM: I did. I forgot to feed them. I will feed them now. ANNIE: No, it s too late. You forgot to feed the gerbils. Gerbils die if they re not fed. LEM: I will feed them now. I can. They won t die. ANNIE: They will die. They re already dead. LEM: Not if I feed them now. ANNIE: It won t help. LEM: I m feeding them now. ANNIE: You forgot to feed the gerbils. The gerbils are dead. LEM: They seem to be perking up. ANNIE: Gerbils don t perk. They skitter. Or they die. Are they skittering? LEM: I think so. They re definitely perking up. ANNIE: Gerbils don t perk up. They skitter. The gerbils are dead. LEM: They don t look dead. ANNIE: I can t believe you forgot to feed the gerbils. LEM: But I fed them. They re happy. 1
2 ANNIE: No, the gerbils are dead. LEM: They re not. Look at this one. He s not dead. ANNIE: They should be dead. To me, they re dead. LEM: But they re not dead. I ll bury them presently. LEM: But you can t. They re happy. They re perking. ANNIE: Gerbils don t perk. They skitter. They re dead. LEM: You can t bury perky gerbils. ANNIE: They ll have to go. LEM: No. I ll take them. ANNIE: You can t. They re mine. LEM: But you re going to bury them. LEM: They re not. LEM: They re not. ANNIE: Take your gerbils and go away. I can t believe you killed the gerbils. LEM: I didn t kill them. ANNIE: Take them away. LEM: You re not going to help feed them? LEM: Somebody has to feed them. ANNIE: You ll forget. They ll die. LEM: No, they won t. I ll remember. 2
3 ANNIE: You won t. LEM: You re not going to feed them? ANNIE: No. They re going to die. LEM: You won t cuddle them and play with them? ANNIE: Not if they re going to die. LEM: Do we have to rename them? ANNIE: The girl gerbils can keep my name. LEM: Even if they re going to die? ANNIE: You don t have to rename them. LEM: I won t forget to feed them again. ANNIE: Yes, you will. LEM: I might. ANNIE: You will. LEM: But they won t die! ANNIE: Yes, they will. LEM: They didn t die this time. ANNIE: They will. LEM: How do you know? ANNIE: Becuase I m not going to help you feed them. LEM: And you re not going to play with them or cuddle them. ANNIE: No. LEM: Not even if they re perky? ANNIE: Gerbils don t perk. They skitter. LEM: The gerbils ate all their food. They look quite healthy. 3
4 ANNIE: You can continue to name the girl gerbils after me. LEM: They re perky, they re happy. They even skitter. ANNIE: I m not going to help feed the gerbils. LEM: But why? ANNIE: You forgot to feed them. LEM: They didn t die. ANNIE: You forgot. LEM: What can I do about it? ANNIE: Nothing. LEM: I m sure I can do something. ANNIE: Nothing. LEM: I ll design a flopacious monster automatic gerbil feeding machine! ANNIE: Nope. LEM: I ll quit my job, burn my books, and devote myself to gerbil care! ANNIE: It won t change anything. LEM: I ll establish a chapter of Gerbil Abusers Anonymous. ANNIE: Weekly time with bad company doesn t help. LEM: I ll donate money to Save The Gerbils. ANNIE: They don t accept contributions from abusers. LEM: I ll buy two ton bags of food in gerbil-friendly packaging and leave them in the cage in case I ever forget. ANNIE: They ll stuff themselves and explode. LEM: There has to be something I can do. ANNIE: You forgot to feed the gerbils. LEM: I m sorry, Annie. 4
5 ANNIE: Don t use my name. LEM: I can t call you Annie? ANNIE: The gerbils can be Annie. Not me. LEM: What can I call you? ANNIE: The Frobdaecious Ann-Margaret Doyle-Hamsterdon. LEM: Oh. ANNIE: The Third. LEM: I can still call the gerbils Annie? ANNIE: Until you kill them. LEM: I m sorry about not feeding them. ANNIE: You should be. LEM: Please don t leave the gerbils, Annie. ANNIE: Don t call me that. LEM: I, er I was talking to the gerbils. ANNIE: Only if you re talking to the gerbils. The girl gerbils. Only. LEM: Please don t leave. ANNIE: I can t share gerbils with someone who won t feed them. LEM: I ll free the gerbils. We can buy hamsters. ANNIE: No. You ll forget to change their wood chips. LEM: Alligators. ANNIE: You won t clean their teeth. LEM: Kiwis. ANNIE: Feather maintenence. LEM: Antelope. 5
6 ANNIE: Don t they have horns? LEM: We won t buy animals, them. Just don t leave. ANNIE: You forgot to feed the gerbils. LEM: We ll forget the gerbils. We ll just be friends. ANNIE: I m not your friend. LEM: But we fed the gerbils together. ANNIE: Yes. LEM: We played with them and cuddled them! ANNIE: Sometimes. LEM: You d come over special to help me feed the gerbils. ANNIE: I was making an exception. LEM: You weren t doing that because you liked me? ANNIE: I like gerbils. LEM: Oh. ANNIE: And you forgot to feed them. LEM: Ah. ANNIE: So now I m leaving. LEM: I ll take care of the gerbils for you. ANNIE: They re your gerbils. LEM: I ll feed them. ANNIE: I m leaving. LEM: All the girls will be named Annie. ANNIE: Do what you like. LEM: Bye, Annie. Oops. 6
7 ANNIE: The Frobdaecious Ann-Margaret Doyle-Hamsterdon. The Third. LEM: Can I call you Ann-Margaret? ANNIE: Just this once. LEM: Bye, Ann-Margaret. ANNIE: Goodbye. [A pause.] LEM: Will you come back and see the gerbils sometime? 7
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