HOW TO BEFRIEND YOUR INNER CRITIC

Transcription

1

2 SPARKS #1 Event Bern, 25th November 2015 Emotional Intelligence HOW TO BEFRIEND YOUR INNER CRITIC Erik van den Brink MD psychiatrist & mindfulness trainer With thanks to: - Frits Koster - Center for Integrative Psychiatry, Groningen NL - Our teachers and clients AND FEED YOUR INNER HELPER?

3 Questions I intend to address I. Why are we so harsh on ourselves? II. What is (self-)compassion and why train it? III. A helpful theory? IV. How can we practise?

4 It s MY shit It s my FAULT

5 Not living up to expectations Ideal Self You must do better! Actual Self You re no good! The Inner Bully grows on self-conscious emotions such as shame, guilt, envy

6 Better to miss lunch than to be lunch Better safe Our brain is designed for survival rather than happiness. Hence the Negativity Bias. than sorry Better criticise yourself than be criticised

7 CONTENT I. Why are we so harsh on ourselves? II. What is (self-)compassion and why train it? III. A helpful theory? IV. How can we practise?

8 Compassion is The capacity to be sensitive to the suffering and others and the willingness to relieve and prevent it. of ourselves (Gilbert, 2014) A natural human capacity inherent in all of us but often not very well developed. The aim of compassion training is to develop and deepen it.

9 EXTERNAL THREAT INTERNAL SELF-COMPASSION FIGHT FLIGHT FREEZE SELF-CRITICISM SELF-KINDNESS SELF-ISOLATION COMMON HUMANITY OVER-IDENTIFICATION MINDFULNESS Germer 2009 Neff 2003

10 Self-criticism is a survival strategy that helps us adapt to the group we depend on; it is associated with many psychological problems Self-compassion correlates with Psychological well-being and life fulfillment Emotional intelligence and positive emotions Healthier coping with adverse events Healthier lifestyle Social connectedness, empathy, altruism, forgiveness Barnard & Curry 2011; Hofmann e.a. 2011; MacBeth & Gumley, 2012; Neff, 2012

11 Tend & befriend

12 When we suffer from the suffering of others A misnomer? Better to speak of Empathy Fatigue. Matthieu Ricard 2003

13 EXTERNAL THREAT INTERNAL SOOTHING SELF-COMPASSION Gilbert 2009 FIGHT FLIGHT FREEZE ME SELF-CRITICISM SELF-KINDNESS SELF-ISOLATION COMMON HUMANITY OVER-IDENTIFICATION MINDFULNESS Germer 2009 Neff 2003 WE TEND & BEFRIEND Taylor 2006 SELF-SACRIFICE OVER-INVOLVEMENT YOU COMPASSION TO SELF AND OTHERS

14

15 Brainresearch Compassion meditation: experienced compared to beginners EEG: more gamma waves and synchronicity fmri: more activity in areas associated with empathy and emotion regulation; stronger response to others in distress Lutz et al. 2004, 2008 Brief compassion training compared to active controls Activates circuits associated with positive emotions Counteracts effect of empathic distress Increases generosity Weng et al. 2013; Klimecki et al. 2013a, 2013b TRAIN YOUR BRAIN

16 Compassion Training Programmes CMT Compassionate Mind Training Gilbert & Procter 2006 LKM Loving-Kindness Meditation Fredrickson et al CBCT Cognitive-Based Compassion Training Pace et al CCT Compassion Cultivation Training Jazaieri et al MSC Mindful Self-Compassion Neff & Germer 2012 MBCL Mindfulness-Based Compassionate Living Van den Brink & Koster 2012

17 CONTENT I. Why are we so harsh on ourselves? II. What is (self-)compassion and why train it? III. A helpful theory? IV. How can we practise?

18 The Evolved Brain MacLean 1990, Siegel 2007 MINDFUL BRAIN awareness, insight The design is NOT perfect and NOT our fault! Gilbert 2009 NEW BRAIN - THINKING language, imagery, memory, fantasy, reasoning, story-telling, self & others, empathy EMOTIONAL BRAIN - FEELING social bonding, rivalry & rank, care-seeking & care-giving BRAIN STEM - BASIC SURVIVAL fight, flight, feed, mate

19 Here we are all in the same boat. With a brain, body, emotions and socially developed self, that were not our choice. In a life full of tragedies: threat, loss, illness, decay, death. Much of what we experience is not our fault. Compassion starts with acknowledging inevitable suffering and taking responsibility to deal with it. Paul Gilbert (2009)

20 EMOTIONS from an evolutionary perspective are useful messengers that tell us whether we move in the right direction of survival; inform us about THREAT - SAFETY FAILURE - SUCCESS ISOLATION - CONNECTEDNESS Don t kill the messenger!

21 Emotional Intelligence is the ability to identify and manage your own emotions and the emotions of others. needs mindfulness needs compassion in order to become Emotional Wisdom

22 Emotion & Motivation: 3 Basic Systems THREAT SYSTEM Self-protection & Safety Avoiding Focus narrow ( sticks ) Fight, flight, freeze DRIVE SYSTEM Reward & Resources Focus narrow ( carrots ) Grab & go Approaching SOOTHING SYSTEM Social bonding & Safeness Focus wide (internal-external, self-other) Attaching Rest & digest Gilbert, 2009 Hanson, 2013

23

24 THREAT SYSTEM anger, anxiety, disgust DRIVE SYSTEM pleasure, excitement, vitality Threat focused, safety seeking Fight, flight, freeze Reward focused Wanting, striving, achieving, consuming S T R E S S Affiliative focused safeness seeking Kind and caring SOOTHING SYSTEM content, safe, connected How to keep the balance? R E S T Van den Brink & Koster, 2012 adapted from Gilbert, 2009

25 Social mentalities Gilbert, 2000 Evolved social patterns supporting survival in groups. Blueprints for society that structure the human mind. dominance/power, obedience/submission, rivalry/rank, giving/receiving care OLD BRAIN Emotions Reactive Short route Threat system Drive system Soothing system NEW BRAIN Imagery/thinking/reasoning Responsive Long route Threat mind Competitive mind Compassionate mind

26 Attention Focus on danger Reasoning Judging risk safe/unsafe Imagery Doom and gloom THREAT MIND Behaviour Avoiding, resisting Motivation Self protection Emotions Aversion, anger fear, Van den Brink & Koster, 2015 Adapted from Gilbert, 2010

27 THREAT MIND

28

29 Bullying ourselves while we need an inner helper

30 Attention Focus on reward Reasoning Judging rank, comparing Imagery Success and fame COMPETITIVE MIND Behaviour Achieving, rivalry Motivation Self enrichment, improving status Emotions Desire, envy Van den Brink & Koster, 2015 Adapted from Gilbert, 2010

31 COMPETITIVE MIND

32

33 Striving for selfesteem while we need selfcompassion

34 Attention Needs of self and others Reasoning Non-judging, allowing Imagery Peaceful connection and safeness COMPASSIONATE MIND Behaviour Accepting, befriending Motivation Social bonding, wellbeing Emotions Calm, content Van den Brink & Koster, 2015 Adapted from Gilbert, 2010

35 COMPASSIONATE MIND

36

37 CONTENT I. Why are we so harsh on ourselves? II. What is (self-)compassion and why train it? III. A helpful theory? IV. How can we practise?

38 warmth T HE C IRCLE OF COMPASSION Gilbert 2009 SKILLS-TRAINING Imagery calmness Attention Sensitivity ATTRIBUTES Sympathy Reasoning Care for wellbeing Compassion Distress tolerance Emotions Non-judgement Empathy Behavior kindness Sensory playfulness

39 SUGGESTIONS FOR PRACTICE FORMAL Nourishing the soothing system / Soothing Breathing Rhythm Safe place / Compassionate Companion / Compassion Mode Compassionately dealing with Resistance / Desire / Inner Patterns Loving Kindness Meditation Compassionate Breathing Compassionate Letter writing Forgiveness Taking in the Good / Sympathetic Joy Equanimity INFORMAL Breathing Spaces with Kindness and Compassion Self-Compassion Mantra Calendar Exercises Mindfulness- Based Open to Outcome

40 Imagery Gilbert 2009 Sexual stimulus Shaming, blaming, punishing Eating Sex Shame Self-criticism Care, Kindness Meal Compassionate imagery EMOTIONAL BRAIN Safe Place Compassionate Companion Embodying Compassion Saliva Gastric juice Arousal Stress reaction Fearful, depressed Relaxation response Calm, content INNER HELPER INNER BULLY

41 Loving-kindness practice (Metta light) In breath: May I / you / we / all feel safe... Out breath: feel healthy... feel happy feel at ease Self Benefactor Dear person Neutral person Difficult person Groups All beings Compassionate breathing (Tonglen light) In breath: Suffering, e.g. as dark smoke Out breath: Healing quality, e.g. as white light

42 Backdraft / Fear of compassion Germer 2009 Gilbert 2010 Particularly in persons with insecure attachment/ trauma/ neglect. Letting in kindness may trigger threat rather than soothing system; it may uncover old hurts, grief and sadness. A normal phenomenon requiring a slower pace

43 Recognising INNER PATTERNS Germer, 2009; Young et al Outcast Mrs/Mr Bottling up Mommy s Child Everyone- Abandons-Me Short Fuse Attention Freak Not-Good-Enough Loser Adaptor Centre-of-the- Universe Misfortune Teller Mrs/Mr Suspicious Ugly Duckling Little Prosecutor Pessimist Loner Helpaholic Control Freak Mrs/Mr Helpless Mindful noting and naming liberates from over-identification. Practising self-compassion heals associated pain.

44 If we cannot change our patterns Outcast Short-fuse Mrs/Mr Bottling up Mommy s child Attention Freak Everyone- Abandons-Me Not-Good-Enough Loser Adaptor Centre-of-the- Universe MisfortuneTeller Mrs/Mr Suspicious Ugly Duckling Helpaholic Little Prosecutor Pessimist Mrs/Mr Helpless Loner Control Freak perhaps we can change our relationship with them.

45 Common Humanity We all wish for happiness; nobody wishes to suffer. Suffering and imperfections are part of life. Resistance, desire, maladaptive patterns are part of life. Dalai Lama Even when we cannot get rid of them, we can learn to compassionately deal with them. We do not need to approve of harmful behaviour, nonetheless we can wish the person who misbehaved happiness and freedom from suffering. PRACTISING FORGIVINGNESS Forgiving ourselves; asking forgiveness; forgiving others

46 It is not the perfect, but the imperfect, who have need of love. Oscar Wilde

47 Illimitables (Brahmaviharas) Are not restricted by ego-perspective Do not exclude anyone Can be practised without limit Four Friends for Life Qualities of the Heart Loving Kindness Compassion Sympathetic Joy Equanimity Antidote against Hate Cruelty Jealousy Overinvolvement

48 What contributes to happiness? POSITIVE PSYCHOLOGY (Seligman 1998) The Pleasant Life The Engaged Life The Meaningful Life PRACTICES Taking in the Good (Hanson 2013) Gratitude The Silver Lining Core values

49 Compassion in action What motivates us in daily life? Are we motivated by threat, drive or soothing systems? Practical ethics as much wholesome effect and as little harmful effect as possible for as many involved Ethical decisions come from a compassionate mind

50 No mud no lotus

51 With gratitude for your attention and compassion

52