How to Deal with High Conflict People

Transcription

1 2013 How to Deal with High Conflict People Brenda Kelleher-Flight Ph.D. GDP Consulting Inc.

2 Table of Contents How to Deal with High Conflict People... 1 The Dread... 1 How High Conflict People are Different... 1 Knowing the Triggers... 2 Where to Focus One s Reaction... 3 Verbal and non-verbal behaviour... 3 Things to avoid... 3 Your Options... 4 Staying Calm Page i

3 How to Deal with High Conflict People By Brenda Kelleher-Flight The Dread Families and workplaces are not immune to attracting individuals who seem to have conflict as their middle name. If you say white, they will argue it is black. They seem to be unable to see shades of grey and they wear their emotions on their sleeves. They draw as many people as possible into their world and seem to believe that it is essential for their colleagues, friends and family to see things their way. It can be very frustrating for most people. This article discusses how dealing with high conflict people is different from dealing with most individuals, and techniques which will enhance your ability to maintain a functional and effective relationship. How High Conflict People are Different High conflict persons use their right brain more than their left brain to process information and respond to the world around them. This means they react negatively first, pay more attention to non-verbal cues than to words, and have difficulty moving from a reactionary approach to an analytical approach to solve problems. Because the right brain does not engage in high level thinking, these persons get stuck using their emotions to decide whether to fight or flight. They cannot move their thinking to their left brain where a third option exists relax. This leaves one big question, What does this mean for me? Page 1

4 Knowing the Triggers When persons react emotionally, it is possible for others to feel their own emotions and respond quickly. This is not helpful unless this pattern is recognized and you are able to shift quickly to logical thinking and refrain from engaging in behaviours which can cause the situation to escalate and derail the situation/event. The first trigger is feeling personally attacked. When high conflict people feel others are aiming at them personally their behaviour will usually worsen. The second trigger is laying down ultimatums. These sudden rules are perceived as direct threats and should be avoided. The third trigger is ignoring the persons emotions and remaining completing logical. They think your lack of acknowledgement of them as individuals is an affront to them and their emotions intensify. The fourth trigger is bringing up the past and reminding them of how disruptive their behaviour is to their team. The past is over and it is essential to move forward in discussions. The fifth trigger is mimicking their behaviour. They do not take kindly to someone mirroring their negative behaviour. It is essential to remain calm and make conscious decisions about your reaction. There is a pause between an event and one s reaction. The key is to use that pause wisely. The final trigger is talking down. Negative communication in a moment of frustration will cause the high conflict person s behaviour to deteriorate. What does all of this mean for you? Page 2

5 Where to Focus One s Reaction Verbal and non-verbal behaviour It is vital for you to focus your attention constantly on relationships and away from behaviour. This does not solve everything but it does cause a shift. Bill Eddy of the High Conflict Institute says that When you focus on the relationship rather than the outcome, you are more likely to get good outcomes. This means 1. Remaining non-threatening 2. Using reassurance 3. Avoiding being manipulated or coerced to do something which is not in your comfort zone or within the code of ethics of your workplace or organization or the values of your family 4. Avoiding immersion in their stories 5. Noting their fears and avoiding behaviours which trigger them 6. Sticking to the policies and respectful workplace standards within your organization 7. Maintaining your full attention while making statements which convey empathy and respect. Always remember that high conflict persons do not want to feel abandoned, betrayed, dominated, ignored or insulted. Things to avoid Many people have a tendency to nod when they are listening. When dealing with high conflict people it is imperative that the listeners do not Insinuate that they can fix the situations Page 3

6 Forget to set limits on how many times the person can state their story before it is time to move on to problem solving, or Agree with them. Your Options You can focus on options and offer them one at a time. The high conflict person can either accept, agree to think about, or reject each option. If he rejects an option, he can place one of his own on the table and you can accept, think about or reject that option. By focusing on options, you are keeping a high conflict person in his left logical brain. That way he has to listen, think, decide and communicate his decisions. He has to take responsibility for solving the issues at hand and cannot put the onus on other people and blame them afterwards. Options contain who, what, when and where. They are brief, to the point, and devoid of emotion. Staying Calm The most successful people know that there is no point focusing on arguments, or using sympathy when dealing with high conflict persons. They stay calm, stick to the point, give information without arguing, and are firm and gentle Page 4