In relationships you need a habit of mind that scans the world for things to appreciate rather than things to criticize

Size: px

Start display at page:

Download "In relationships you need a habit of mind that scans the world for things to appreciate rather than things to criticize"

Buddy Francis
5 years ago
Views:

1 Level I Bridging the Couple Chasm Gottman Couples Therapy: A New Research-Based Approach 1 In relationships you need a habit of mind that scans the world for things to appreciate rather than things to criticize 2 Section 1 Research and Theory What Is New In This Workshop: The Need For Theory 2 Section 1 Do Men & Women Understand Each Other? 5

2 Do Men & Women Understand Each Other? 5 What Is Different About Gottman Method Couples Therapy? New Approach to Conflict Management Versus Resolution Not All Conflicts Are the Same: Hidden Agendas Existential Building a Basic Relationship Skill Set In the Couple. What Should That Skill Set Be? 3 Section Monty Python s Flying Circus The Argument Clinic Film 4 Couple s Argument: The Picnic 5

3 What Is Our Focus? Our Focus is on Emotion Build Skills for Managing Conflict Build Skills for Friendship Create Shared Meaning 6 Section Our Research Methods 36 Years of Research, Representative Samples, Happy-Stable, Not Only Ailing Relationships Multi-Method: Physiology, Self-Report, Behavior Multi-Situational: Conflict, Events, Apartment Lab Longitudinal (Up to 20 Years) and Developmental (Babies, Children) Gay, Lesbian, as well as Heterosexual Domestic Violence Transition to Parenthood Theoretical and Mathematical Intervention and Prevention Research Extension to Lower-Income Populations 7 Section 1.2 Love Lab Film 8 What is Dysfunctional in Relationships? Busting a Few Common Myths 9 Section 1.3

4 MARRIAGES END BECAUSE OF EXTRA-MARITAL AFFAIRS NOT TRUE MONOGAMY IS FOR WOMEN NOT TRUE GENDER DIFFERENCES CAUSE DIVORCE NOT TRUE SUCCESSFUL PROBLEM- SOLVING IS NECESSARY NOT TRUE 16

5 UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS FOR MARRIAGE CAUSE DIVORCE NOT TRUE ACTIVE LISTENING DURING CONFLICT IS FUNCTIONAL NOT TRUE RECIPROCATED ANGER IS A SIGN OF AN AILING MARRIAGE NOT TRUE 19 What is Dysfunctional in Relationships? What is True Based on Research? More Negativity than Positivity Escalation of Negative Affect The Four Horsemen 9 Section 1.3

6 What Is Dysfunctional in Relationships? What is True Based on Research? (continued) Emotional Disengagement and Withdrawal Failure of Repair Attempts Negative Sentiment Override Physiological Arousal Failure of Men to Accept Influence 12 The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse 1.Criticism 2.Defensiveness 3.Contempt 4.Stonewalling 10 Section CRITICISM TO COMPLAIN WITHOUT BLAME Global Attack on Partners Personality State or Infer Partner is Defective Spoken/Unspoken You Idiot or What s Wrong With You?... There s no good answer to this question DEFENSIVENESS TO TAKING RESPONSIBILITY An Automatic, Knee-jerk Reaction to Criticism We Defend Ourselves by Disagreeing, Denying, Whining, Counter Attacking We Take the Position of an Innocent Victim or Become Righteously Indignant

7 CONTEMPT TO A CULTURE OF APPRECIATION Criticizing from a Position of Superiority, Sometimes with Belligerence It damages the Peer Relationship One is Superior/ One Inferior Increases Fighting and Predicts the # of Infectious Illnesses in the Woman STONEWALLING TO PHYSIOLOGICAL SOOTHING Listener Withdrawal... An Attempt to Avoid Conflict & Self-Soothe Looks Down & Away, or Stares Past You 85% Male We All Have 2 Marriages... Heart Rate >/< 95 The Four Horsemen Film 11 The Story of Us Watch for the 4H progression The innocent start and mild defensiveness The male escalation in response to female negativity Back and forth criticism & defensiveness Contempt through sarcasm and superiority. Losing it and a final stonewalling

8 What Is Dysfunctional in Relationships? What is True, Based on Research? (continued) Emotional Disengagement and Withdrawal Failure of Repair Attempts Negative Sentiment Override Physiological Arousal Failure of Men to Accept Influence Husband Accepts Influence from Wife Film What is Functional When a Relationship Goes Well? Answers Come from Studying Relationships that Last and are Satisfying Longitudinally Previous Research had to Rely on Therapist s Fantasies of What a Good Relationship was Like This Knowledge Determines Some of the Goals of Therapy Matched Preferred Conflict Styles Dialogue, Not Gridlock Successful Repairs Section NATURAL STYLE OF INFLUENCE AVOIDERS ARE A MISMATCH WITH ANY OTHER PREFERENCE AVOIDER/VALIDATOR IS COMMON VOLATILES FEEL OTHERS DON T CARE AVOIDERS REPORT HIGH MARITAL SATISFACTION. DON T ARGUE AND SUPPRESS NEGATIVE AFFECT THEN THEY HAVE UGLY ARGUMENT WITH NO IDEA HOW TO PERSUADE OR COMPROMISE THESE BECOME PERPETUAL ISSUES

9 FAILURE OF REPAIR ALL MARRIAGES DO CONFLICT AND ALWAYS WILL, THEREFORE... REPAIR IS AN ESSENTIAL, NOT AN OPTIONAL ABILITY ATMOSPHERIC CONDITIONS MATTER... NSO OR PSO THE READINESS TO RECEIVE IT IS CRITICAL Turning Towards, Turning Away, Turning Against Film 15 PHYSIOLOGY WE ALL HAVE TWO MARRIAGES... ONE WHEN PULSE BELOW 95, ANOTHER WHEN ABOVE 95 FLOODING DIFFUSE PHYSIOLOGICAL AROUSAL ( DPA ) INABILITY TO SOOTHE... SELF AND OTHER DISTANCE-ISOLATION CASCADE FLOODING PROBLEMS SEEN AS SEVERE DECIDE TO WORK IT OUT ALONE LIVE PARALLEL LIVES LONELINESS TAKES OVER

10 META-EMOTIONS DISCREPANCIES DIFFERENT PHILOSOPHIES ABOUT EMOTIONAL EXPRESSION (GOOD/BAD, RIGHT/WRONG, SAFE/DANGEROUS, EXPRESS THEM/SUPPRESS THEM) DISMISSING VS. COACHING DISCREPANCY CAN BE SPECIFIC TO PARTICULAR EMOTIONS THESE ARE PERPETUAL PROBLEMS MAGIC 5 1/2 HOURS Partings: Don t part without knowing about your partners day MAGIC 5 1/2 HOURS Reunions: Download experiences of the day. Hear and be heard. Attune to partners mood. MAGIC 5 1/2 HOURS Appreciations: Express feelings of fondness and admiration

11 MAGIC 5 1/2 HOURS Physical Affection: The importance of touch and affection. Don t let the sun set on your wrath. MAGIC 5 1/2 HOURS Dates: Spending focused time together. Update love maps, discuss issues. MAGIC 5 1/2 HOURS State of the Union Discussion: Take time to discuss and process relationship issues MAGIC 5 1/2 HOURS Partings Reunions Appreciations Physical Affection Dates State of the Union Discussion

Summary Checklist Positive Affect Serves to Down-Regulate Negativity and Soothe Physiologically (But, How Does One Create Positive Affect e.g., Humor-During Conflict?) 16 Section 1.

12 Summary Checklist Positive Affect Serves to Down-Regulate Negativity and Soothe Physiologically (But, How Does One Create Positive Affect e.g., Humor-During Conflict?) 16 Section 1.4 Beyond Checklists We Need a Theory to Individualize Couples Therapy Our Theory is the Sound Relationship House Theory 17 Section 1.5 FRIENDSHIP DON T TAKE IT LIGHTLY. IT S A MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENT BUILD IT AND MAINTAIN IT HIGHLY POSITIVE DURING NON - CONFLICT TIMES CREATES PSO

13 LOVE MAPS KNOWING YOUR PARTNER S INNER WORLD ( COGNITIVE ROOM ) NOT JUST THE FACTS BUT THEIR HEART UPDATE THIS FILE REGULARLY REMEMBER DATING? KNOWING I EXIST IN YOUR MIND KNOWING AND BEING KNOWN -- GENUINE INTEREST IN ONE ANOTHER FONDNESS & ADMIRATION REALLY LIKING YOUR PARTNER RESPECT, ADMIRATION, AFFECTION WOW! AM I LUCKY TO BE WITH YOU A CULTURE OF APPRECIATION INSTEAD OF CRITICISM I M ON YOUR MIND OF ALL THE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE... TURNING TOWARD VERSUS TURNING AWAY BEING INVESTED IN YOUR PARTNER BUILDING EMOTIONAL BANK ACCOUNT MOSTLY NEUTRAL MOMENTS MINDLESS MOMENTS MADE MINDFUL LEARN TO MAKE AND RECEIVE BIDS THESE SMALL MOMENTS ARE THE BASIS OF ROMANCE, GREAT SEX, PASSION IN MARRIAGE POSITIVE SENTIMENT OVERRIDE EVERYTHING WORKS BUFFER AGAINST IRRITABILITY DETERMINES EFFECTIVENESS OF REPAIR ATTEMPTS OCCURS IF PREVIOUS LEVELS OF SRH ARE INTACT CAN T MANIPULATE IT DIRECTLY

14 THE REGULATION OF CONFLICT PERPETUAL PROBLEMS: MOVING FROM GRIDLOCK TO DIALOGUE SOLVABLE PROBLEMS: DEVELOP SIX CORE RELATIONSHIP SKILLS... SOFT STARTUP, ACCEPT INFLUENCE, REPAIR, DE-ESCALATE CONFLICT, COMPROMISE, PHYSIOLOGICAL SOOTHING OF SELF & PARTNER SUPPORTING ONE ANOTHER S DREAMS ENDING MARITAL GRIDLOCK HONORING DREAMS: DREAMS WITHIN CONFLICT INTERVENTION THE KEY FOR MAKING CONFLICT RESOLUTION A POSITIVE EXPERIENCE CREATING SHARED MEANING A MARRIAGE IS A NEW CULTURE EVERYONE IS A PHILOSOPHER SYMBOLIC MEANING, NARRATIVES, METAPHORS, SYMBOLS, ROLES, GOALS, RITUALS: MAKING LIFE S JOURNEY MEANINGFUL IMPACT ON FRIENDSHIP & TRANSITIONS RITUALS OF EMOTIONAL CONNECTION FORMAL AND INFORMAL RITUALS IN THE MARRIAGE THAT CREATE EMOTIONAL CONNECTION HOW COUPLE MOVES THROUGH TIME TOGETHER AND CONNECTS EMOTIONALLY

15 Three Domains Constructive Conflict Friendship/Intimacy/Positive Affect Systems Shared Meaning 19 Section Section 2 Assessment: Overview The Couple s Experience of Assessment Multi-Method Assessment in Three Sessions Session 1: Conjoint Session 2: Individual Sessions Session 3: Contracting Session 20 Section 2 When Is Couples Therapy Contra-Indicated? Ongoing Affair Characterological vs. Situational Domestic Violence May Need to Add or Refer for Individual Treatment Which Must Be Highly Coordinated with the Couple s Therapy 21 Section 2.4 Assessing Friendship Oral History Interview 19-Areas Checklist 22 Section 2.5

16 Assessing Sentiment Override Conflict Discussion Flooding Questionnaire 23 Section 2.6 Assessing Conflict Conflict Discussion Sound Relationship House Questionnaires 24 Section 2.7 Assessing Meaning Narrative Oral History Interview Shared Meaning Questionnaire During Interventions Section Section 3 Assessment: Session 1 Summary 26 Welcome Office Disclosure Statement The Couple s Narrative: What We Look for in Their Story and How They Tell It Oral History Interview Family History Video Tape a Conflict Discussion Instructions for Individual Sessions Parting Give Questionnaires Section

17 The Oral History Interview The Buehlman Dimensions We Assess The Questions We Ask 27 Section 3.3 ORAL HISTORY OF A NEWLYWED COUPLE WHO EVENTUALLY DIVORCED ORAL HISTORY INTERVIEW Assessment: Session 1 Sampling Couple Conflict Interaction 28 Setting Up the Conflict Discussion Critical Behaviors to Observe Escalation: The Four Horsemen Emotional Engagement or Disengagement Accepting Influence Repair (Pre-Emptive or After Negativity) Positive Affect (Humor, Affection, Empathy) Use of Video Tape Physiological Arousal Compromise Section

18 Section 4 Written Assessment: Questionnaires Locke Wallace: Relationship Satisfaction Weiss-Cerretto: Breakup Potential The Sound Relationship House Questionnaires 19 Areas Checklist for Solvable and Perpetual Problems Detour Scales 29 Section 4.0 Sound Relationship House Questionnaires Love Maps Fondness and Admiration Turning Towards Emotional Disengagement and Loneliness Harsh Startup Four Horsemen Gridlock on Perpetual Issues 30 Accepting Influence Compromise Shared Meaning Questionnaires Rituals Roles Goals/Symbols Negative Sentiment Override Repair Attempts Sex, Romance, Passion pp Areas Checklist for Solvable and Perpetual Problems Emotional Connection Handling Stress Disagreements Romance and Passion Sex Critical Incident Children In-laws Jealousy Affair(s) 31 Unpleasant Fights Values and Goals Hard Times Teamwork Power Struggles Finances Fun Community Spirituality pp Six Detour Scales These Six Scales Provide Additional Clinical Information Flooding Chaos Trust Commitment Meta-Emotion Family History 32 pp

19 Section 4 Additional Questionnaires Gottman Emotional Abuse Scale Control and Fear Questionnaire Acts of Physical Aggression Questionnaire SCL-90: Psychopathology Screen Drug and Alcohol Screening Test Suicide Potential Questionnaire 33 pp Section 5 Assessment: Session 2 Individual Sessions Assess: Individual Narratives Commitment to Relationship Hopes and Expectations and Fears Prior Therapy Cost/Benefit Analyses Potential Co-morbidities (Domestic Violence, Depression, Addictions, Ongoing Affair, Psychopathology) Relevant Family History Section 5.1 Assessment: Session 3 Conjoint Session Feedback About Assessment 35 What Is the Nature of the Couple s Friendship? What Kind of Sentiment Override Is There? What Is the Nature of Conflict and Its Regulation? Do They Honor Life Dreams? Do They Create Shared Meaning? Potential Resistances (e.g., Chaos) Section 5.2 Discussing and Deciding About Goals Importance of Therapeutic Alliance With Both People Clinician s Checklist for Couple Assessment Setting Therapeutic Goals as a Partnership With the Couple 36 Section 5.2

20 REMEMBER THE FUNDAMENTAL ATTRIBUTION ERROR BOTH PARTNERS SECRETLY THINK: I M OK. FIX MY DEFECTIVE SPOUSE AND I LL BE HAPPY. AND DO IT FAST. INEXPENSIVELY. Assessment Film 37

THE ART & SCIENCE OF COUPLES THERAPY

THE ART & SCIENCE OF COUPLES THERAPY WITH DR. WILLIAM BUMBERRY GOTTMAN METHOD FOCUS FOCUS ON EMOTION CONFLICT MANAGEMENT VS. RESOLUTION NOT ALL CONFLICTS ARE THE SAME... EXISTENTIAL ISSUES BUILD BASIC