THE ART & SCIENCE OF COUPLES THERAPY

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Darren Freeman
5 years ago
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THE ART & SCIENCE OF COUPLES THERAPY WITH DR. WILLIAM BUMBERRY GOTTMAN METHOD FOCUS FOCUS ON EMOTION CONFLICT MANAGEMENT VS. RESOLUTION NOT ALL CONFLICTS ARE THE SAME.

1 THE ART & SCIENCE OF COUPLES THERAPY WITH DR. WILLIAM BUMBERRY GOTTMAN METHOD FOCUS FOCUS ON EMOTION CONFLICT MANAGEMENT VS. RESOLUTION NOT ALL CONFLICTS ARE THE SAME... EXISTENTIAL ISSUES BUILD BASIC FRIENDSHIP SKILLS CREATE SHARED MEANING GOTTMAN S CORE RESEARCH PREDICTING DIVORCE IN SEVEN SEPARATE LONGITUDINAL STUDIES ACROSS THE LIFE COURSE LONGEST FOLLOW-UP NOW AT 18 YEARS... SOON TO DO FOLLOW-UP WITH COUPLES NEARING 80 YEARS OLD ALSO CAN PREDICT RELATIONSHIP SATISFACTION STUDIED MASTERS & DISASTERS 3

THE LOVE LAB COUPLE LIVED THERE 24 HOURS WITH CAMERAS ON FROM 9 AM TO 9 PM OBSERVED CONVERSATIONS ABOUT AREAS OF CONFLICT, ENJOYABLE TOPICS AND DISCUSSING EVENTS OF THE DAY MEASURED PHYSIOLOGY.

2 THE LOVE LAB COUPLE LIVED THERE 24 HOURS WITH CAMERAS ON FROM 9 AM TO 9 PM OBSERVED CONVERSATIONS ABOUT AREAS OF CONFLICT, ENJOYABLE TOPICS AND DISCUSSING EVENTS OF THE DAY MEASURED PHYSIOLOGY... HEART FUNCTION, RESPIRATION, URINARY STRESS HORMONES, BLOOD SAMPLES RE IMMUNE FUNCTION AND GROSS MOTOR MOVEMENT VIA JIGGLE-OMETER HAD COUPLES WATCH THEIR VIDEOS AND SAY HOW THEY FELT AND GUESS HOW PARTNER FELT WHAT IS DYSFUNCTIONAL MORE NEGATIVITY THAN POSITIVITY NSO HARSH STARTUP ESCALATING NEGATIVITY MALE ESCALATION & DISENGAGEMENT NOT HONORING DREAMS NOT ACCEPTING INFLUENCE WHAT IS DYSFUNCTIONAL FOUR HORSEMEN FAILURE OF REPAIR FLOODING/DPA FAILURE TO SOOTHE MISMATCH IN CONFLICT STYLES META EMOTIONS MISMATCH

3 MORE NEGATIVITY THAN POSITIVITY 7 Longitudinal Studies Across the Lifespan The Ratio of Positive to Negative Moments + - Prediction 5 1 Happy and Stable Stable not Happy Divorcing NEGATIVE SENTIMENT OVERRIDE CLOUD COVER MOVES IN NOTHING WORKS POSITIVE FEELS NEUTRAL NEUTRAL FEELS NEGATIVE NOTHING POSITIVE GROWS HARSH START STARTS WITH AN EDGE, TRIGGERS DEFENSIVENESS THE FIRST THREE MINUTES MATTER WOMEN INITIATE 80% OF TALKS

4 ESCALATING NEGATIVITY MATCHING NEGATIVITY IS OK...AN EYE FOR AN EYE ESCALATING NEGATIVITY DESTROYS MALE ESCALATION IN RESPONSE TO FEMALE LOW LEVEL NEGATIVITY DEMAND/WITHDRAW PATTERN MALE DISENGAGEMENT LEADS TO MUTUAL DISENGAGEMENT PURSUER / DISTANCER DANCE...BOTH BECOME DISTANCERS FAILURE TO HONOR DREAMS NOT OPEN TO HEARING PARTNERS CORE NEEDS, WISHES, WANTS, DESIRES NOT WILLING TO WORK WITH PARTNER TO FULFILL THESE NEEDS, WISHES, WANTS, DESIRES

5 FAILURE TO ACCEPT INFLUENCE WOMEN SEEM TO DO IT TWO TYPES OF MEN... BAT IT BACK TAKE IT IN 4 HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE Criticism Defensiveness Contempt Stonewalling FAILURE OF REPAIR ALL MARRIAGES DO CONFLICT AND ALWAYS WILL, THEREFORE... REPAIR IS AN ESSENTIAL, NOT AN OPTIONAL ABILITY ATMOSPHERIC CONDITIONS MATTER... NSO OR PSO THE READINESS TO RECEIVE IT IS CRITICAL

6 PHYSIOLOGY WE ALL HAVE TWO MARRIAGES... ONE WHEN PULSE BELOW 95, ANOTHER WHEN ABOVE 95 FLOODING DIFFUSE PHYSIOLOGICAL AROUSAL ( DPA ) INABILITY TO SOOTHE... SELF AND OTHER DISTANCE-ISOLATION CASCADE FLOODING PROBLEMS SEEN AS SEVERE DECIDE TO WORK IT OUT ALONE LIVE PARALLEL LIVES LONELINESS TAKES OVER MISMATCHES IN NATURAL STYLE OF INFLUENCE MISMATCHES IN STYLES... UNACKNOWLEDGED, UNADDRESSED, UNACCEPTED CONFLICT-AVOIDANT VALIDATING VOLITILE / BICKERING / PASSIONATE

7 NATURAL STYLE OF INFLUENCE AVOIDERS ARE A MISMATCH WITH ANY OTHER PREFERENCE AVOIDER/VALIDATOR IS MOST COMMON VOLATILES FEEL OTHERS DON T CARE AVOIDERS OFTEN REPORT HIGH MARITAL SATISFACTION. DON T ARGUE AND SUPPRESS NEGATIVE AFFECT THEN THEY HAVE UGLY ARGUMENT WITH NO IDEA HOW TO PERSUADE OR COMPROMISE THESE BECOME PERPETUAL ISSUES META-EMOTIONS DISCREPANCIES THESE OCCUR WHEN PARTNERS HAVE DIFFERENT PHILOSOPHIES ABOUT EMOTIONAL EXPRESSION DISMISSING VS. COACHING IS COMMON DISCREPANCY CAN BE SPECIFIC TO PARTICULAR EMOTIONS, ESPECIALLY ANGER AND SADNESS THESE ARE PERPETUAL PROBLEMS WHAT IS FUNCTIONAL MORE POSITIVITY THAN NEGATIVITY POSITIVE SENTIMENT OVERRIDE SOFT STARTUP DEESCALATE NEGATIVITY MALE INTEREST & ENGAGEMENT/ WIFE SOFT START HONORING DREAMS ACCEPTING INFLUENCE

Fondness & Admiration Turning Towards vs.

8 WHAT IS FUNCTIONAL ELIMINATE THE FOUR HORSEMEN EFFECTIVE REPAIR/ PSO PREEMPT FLOODING SOOTHE SELF & PARTNER ACCEPTANCE OF MISMATCHED STYLES ACCEPTANCE OF META EMOTIONS DIFFERENCES Gottman Sound Marital House Love Maps Fondness & Admiration Turning Towards vs. Away Positive Sentiment Override Regulation of Conflict Supporting Dreams Creating Shared Meaning Building Friendship Love Maps Fondness & Admiration Turning Towards vs. Away/Against

9 Connecting Through Conflict Positive Sentiment Override Regulation of Conflict Creating a Life Vision Making Dreams Come True Discovering and Living Shared Meaning ASSESSING A MARRIAGE

10 SCHEDULE OF ASSESSMENT COUPLES EXPERIENCE IS CENTRAL SESSION 1: CONJOINT. GET THEIR NARRATIVE, DO ORAL HISTORY/META- EMOTION INTERVIEWS, GET SAMPLE OF INTERACTION (1 ½ HOURS). THEY TAKE HOME QUESTIONNAIRE PACKET. SESSION 2: TWO INDIVIDUAL SESSIONS (45 MINUTES) SESSION 3: CONJOINT. SUMMARY AND PERHAPS THE THERAPEUTIC CONTRACT ASSESSMENT:SESSION 1 COUPLES NARRATIVE... THEIR STORY IS KEY TO PROCESS... ASSESSMENT OCCURS AROUND THIS ORAL HISTORY INTERVIEW VIDEO TAPE A CONFLICT DISCUSSION HANDOUT QUESTIONNAIRES PREP FOR INDIVIDUAL SESSIONS ASSESSMENT: SESSION 2 INDIVIDUAL SESSIONS EVERYTHING IS PUBLIC: NO SECRETS DIVULGING INFORMATION IS AT YOUR DISCRETION

11 ASSESSMENT: SESSION 3 FEEDBACK SESSION CHECK-IN NATURE OF FRIENDSHIP TYPE OF SENTIMENT OVERRIDE CONFLICT AND IT S REGULATION HONOR DREAMS/ SHARED MEANING STRENGTHS, WEAKNESSES, ISSUES THERAPEUTIC CONTRACT POTENTIAL RESISTANCES GOTTMAN METHOD COUPLES THERAPY: A RESEARCH-BASED APPROACH GOALS OF THERAPY MODIFY CONFLICT ENHANCE FRIENDSHIP CREATE SHARED MEANING

12 THE INTERVENTIONS: CONSTRUCTIVE CONFLICT CONFLICT GOAL 1: TRULY UNDERSTAND YOUR PARTNER (THE RAPOPORT INTERVENTION) UNDERSTAND YOUR PARTNER S POINT OF VIEW, TO THEIR SATISFACTION, BEFORE YOU TRY TO PERSUADE THEM WHAT IS THIS MODE VS. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS MODE SPEAKER S JOB - NO BLAMING, STATE FEELING AS A POSITIVE NEED LISTENER S JOB - TAKE NOTES, SUMMARIZE & VALIDATE SPEAKER S POSITION, ASK QUESTIONS CONFLICT GOAL 2: ELIMINATE THE FOUR HORSEMEN INTERRUPT THE FOUR HORSEMEN REPLACE WITH THEIR ANTIDOTE CRITICISM - TEACH GENTLE STARTUP DEFENSIVENESS - TEACH TAKING RESPONSIBILITY CONTEMPT - BUILD A CULTURE OF APPRECIATION STONEWALLING - SELF-SOOTHING

13 CONFLICT GOAL 3: MOVE FROM GRIDLOCK TO DIALOGUE FROM IMPASSE TO INTIMACY: REVEALING & HONORING DREAMS HELP PARTNER GET TO UNDERLYING DREAM OR THE MEANING BEHIND THEIR POSITION ON THE ISSUE UNDERSTAND NOT RESOLVE SPEAKER - STATE POSITION WITHOUT BLAME LISTENER - ASK QUESTIONS ABOUT HISTORY, MEANING AND DREAM WITHIN PARTNERS POSITION CONFLICT GOAL 4: DEVELOP SIX PROBLEM SOLVING SKILLS SOFTEN STARTUP ACCEPT INFLUENCE MAKE EFFECTIVE REPAIR DURING CONFLICT DE-ESCALATE COMPROMISE PHYSIOLOGICAL SOOTHING CONFLICT GOAL 5: RECOVERING FROM A FIGHT - HEALING THE HURT (PROCESSING FIGHTS) TWO SUBJECTIVE REALITIES, BOTH RIGHT FEELINGS LIST VALIDATE EACH OTHER S REALITIES ADMITTING MODE TRIGGERS HOW TO MAKE IT BETTER NEXT TIME

THE INTERVENTIONS: CULTIVATING INTIMACY (FRIENDSHIP & SHARED MEANING) FRIENDSHIP GOAL 1: BUILD LOVE MAPS BUILD KNOWLEDGE OF PARTNER S INNER WORLD USE CARD DECK GUESS ANSWER TO QUESTIONS ON CARDS IF

14 THE INTERVENTIONS: CULTIVATING INTIMACY (FRIENDSHIP & SHARED MEANING) FRIENDSHIP GOAL 1: BUILD LOVE MAPS BUILD KNOWLEDGE OF PARTNER S INNER WORLD USE CARD DECK GUESS ANSWER TO QUESTIONS ON CARDS IF WRONG, PARTNER CORRECTS... SOFTLY DISCUSS VIA OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS FONDNESS & ADMIRATION PAY ATTENTION TO/ NOTICE WHAT YOU LIKE ABOUT YOUR PARTNER SAY IT, SHARE IT, COMMUNICATE ABOUT IT... EVERY DAY TURN THE IDEA INTO A BEHAVIOR, THEN INTO A PATTERN, THEN A HABIT... SUDDENLY IT BECOMES WHO YOU ARE

15 FRIENDSHIP GOAL 2: TURNING TOWARDS VIA THE STRESS- REDUCING CONVERSATION ISSUE EXTERNAL TO THE RELATIONSHIP DON T TRY TO SOLVE IT TAKE TURNS LISTENING & BEING SUPPORTIVE VALIDATE EMOTIONS EVEN IF YOU DISAGREE WITH PARTNER S POSITION CREATE SHARED MEANING GOAL 1: RITUALS OF CONNECTION RITUALS ARE TIMES YOU CAN COUNT ON... YOU DON T NEED TO RECREATE THEM FORMAL & INFORMAL RITUALS... DONE INTENTIONALLY & MADE MEANINGFUL DISCUSS DETAILS OF PREFERRED WAYS OF CONNECTING INCLUDE ASPECTS OF FAMILY HISTORIES RELATED TO SPECIFIC RITUALS CREATE SHARED MEANING GOAL 2: CREATE A VISION/SHARED PURPOSE IN HELPING COUPLE BUILD A LIFE TOGETHER MAKE THEIR SHARED MEANING SYSTEM OVERT AND INTENTIONAL DISCUSS BELIEFS, VALUES, MISSION, LEGACY, ROLES AND GOALS VALIDATE EACH OTHER PLAN HOW TO HONOR EACH OTHER

In relationships you need a habit of mind that scans the world for things to appreciate rather than things to criticize

Level I Bridging the Couple Chasm Gottman Couples Therapy: A New Research-Based Approach 1 In relationships you need a habit of mind that scans the world for things to appreciate rather than things to