10/6/18 THE GREATEST RISK WE LL EVER TAKE, IS BY FAR, TO STAND IN THE LIGHT AND BE SEEN AS WE ARE. BRAVE MUSIC

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1 THE GREATEST RISK WE LL EVER TAKE, IS BY FAR, TO STAND IN THE LIGHT AND BE SEEN AS WE ARE. ~JORDAN SMITH BEING BRAVE AND THE PROCESS OF RISING STRONG IN OUR RELATIONSHIPS Essential Elements For Conscious Connection Presented by Kelly Patton, LMHC Certi fi ed I m ago Therapi st Certified Daring Way and RisingStrong Facilitator HOW MANY OF YOU CONSIDER HOW INCREDIBLY BRAVE IT IS FOR COUPLE S TO WALK INTO YOUR OFFICE? HOW MANY OF YOU INTENTIONALLY OR POINTEDLY HONOR THAT AT LEAST IN THE FIRST SESSION IF NOT THROUGHOUT THE COURSE OF YOUR TIME WORKING WITH THEM? HOW MANY OF YOU ACKNOWLEDGE YOU R OWN BRAVERY FOR STEPPING INTO ARENA AFTER ARENA EVERY DAY WITH EACH AND EVERY COU PLE? BRAVE MUSIC What music do you turn to in order to feel more empowered? Rachel Platten: Fight song What music do you turn to to express the current state of your relationship? Train: Marry Me What music do you turn to to honor your relationship? Norah Jones Carrie Newcomer s Silver 1

2 SO THAT S WHO I AM...WHO IS BRENÉ BROWN AND WHAT IS AN ARENA? BRENÉ BROWN, PH. D, LMSW Research professor and the University of Houston Hol ds the Huffi ngton Foundati on Brené Brown Endowed Chair at The Graduate College of Social Work. Author of the #1 New York Times best-sellers: The Gifts of Imperfection I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn t) Daring Greatly Rising Strong Braving The Wilderness New book Dare To Lead available October 9,

3 10/6/18 SO WHAT IS AN ARENA? 3

4 SEATS IN THE ARENA WHAT ARE SOME OF THE ARENAS THAT COUPLES DESCRIBE BEING IN WHEN YOU RE WORKING WITH THEM? The Box Seats The Critic s or the Cheap Seats The Support Section How fear of the seats creates obstacles to stepping into the arena. Scarcity says: I can t because there s not/i don t have enough. Comparison says: Look.see..they re doing it better. Shame says: I m not enough. Shame says: And just WHO do YOU think YOUare? KELLY S VERSION OF BRAIN 101 Limbic System~Life s smoke alarm Primary Responsibility is constantly determining if it s safe No Cogni ti v e Abi l i ti es ~ onl y uses 5 senses No Concept of Li near Ti me Cannot discern between physical and emotional safety When Triggered or hijack ed Fight/Flee/Play Dead/Become submissive Val ue of limbectomies Sh am e sh i el ds-move toward/away/against SHAME GUILT EMBARRASSMENT HUMILIATION Shame is a focus on Self Guilt is a focus on behavior or choices Humiliation nuanc e d fro m s hame diffe re nc e lie s in perception of deservedness Embarrass ment we kno w what happe ne d is a unive rs al experience IBSC ~ Itty Bitty Shitty Committee How i t hook s up wi th the Shame G reml i ns 4

5 SHAME The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawe d and the re fo re unwo rthy o f love and be longing. Triggers are often related to childhood wounding. You ll see core issues show up here. Being irresponsible Being late Being angry/reactive Being unorganized (clutter shame) Being stupid Othe rs? THE PHYSIOLOGY OF SHAME Can be ide ntical to a fe ar o r te rro r re s po ns e o r a panic episode Usually marked with huge spike or dump of adrenaline Sweating or tingling in specific areas of the body Feeling as though the walls are closing in on us Swirling thoughts Dry mouth Nausea Intestinal distress SHAME SHOWS UP WITH THE SAME CIRCUITRY AS FEAR AND TERROR DO IN THE BRAIN. Bre né ide ntifie s 3 shame shie lds whic h are relative to the 4 ways we defend ourselves when the limbic system is hijacked. Moving Toward Moving Away Moving Against GUILT HUMILIATION EMBARRASSMENT The focus is on the behavior or the choices made That was not a smart decision You know that hurt her feelings What was I thinking? Note to self... Let s not do that again or do it differently Humiliation is very much like shame.often the same physiology, head goes down, you want to get small or die..however.. Yo u kno w yo u did NOT DESERVE what happe ne d in the inciting experience. School, sports, competitions etc. are ripe for humiliation in our society. We know that what has just happened has happened to a complete ton of other folks Walking out of the bathroom with tissue stuck to your shoe Falling on the ice crossing the street Spilling our drink at the table Ye s, any o f the abo ve, fo r s o me fo lks, c o uld be a s hame trigger depending again on the self-talk. FOLKS WHO LIV E AND LOV E MORE WHOLEHEARTEDLY EXPECT THE SHAM E GREM LINS AND THE IBSC ~ THEY PREPARE FOR THEM. VULNERABILITY AS COURAGE NOT WEAKNESS Vulnerability requires Taking a risk Knowing there are no guarantees Knowing you will be emotionally exposed There are no acts of bravery without vulnerability. Vulnerability is courage, not weakness. Bravery requires vulnerability. Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, joy and connection. It s where and when connection takes place. 5

6 EXAMPLES OF VULNERABILITY Saying I love you first Asking your beloved to marry you Disclosing that you ve been having an affair or that you want to Waiting for the doctor to call back Telling your small children that you have a terminal illness Trying to get pregnant after one or several miscarriages It s the birthplace of Love Joy Co nne c tio n THE POWER OF VULNERABILITY Innovation Cre ativity It s where and when connection takes place What are the moments in your office that touch you the most? Move you? Remind you why you love doing this work? Reawaken your sense of how sacred the work we do in our offices is? VULNERABILITY IS NOT WEAKNESS. VULNERABILITY IS COURAGE. WHAT GETS IN THE WAY OF OUR ALLOWING OURSELVES TO BE REAL? If love and belonging are irreducible needs of men, women and children.then being loved and accepted are equated with safety and survival. When there is a whif of a chance that being rejected in some fashion or form.if you really knew what I thought, who I am, Yo u ll s e e I m a fraud, a lo s e r, no t go o d e no ugh, no t lo vable, no t wo rthy. All of which taps into the limbic system, and our oh so lovely primal instincts. 6

7 WHERE DOES SHAME SHOW UP IN YOUR LIFE? WHERE DOES IT SHOW UP IN YOUR OFFICE? THE ANTIDOTE TO SHAME IS EMPATHY Shame is fueled by secrecy, silence and judgement When shame is claimed and named and met with the truth that I am, because we all are, worthy of love and belonging no matter what ~ it cannot thrive. Empathy implies a certain degree of common humanity, I m not the only one to have experienced When we feel seen, heard, understood and still loved or accepted, shame lessens it s grip on us. IMAGO DIALOGUE AND BRENE S ATTRIBUTES OF EMPATHY IN ACTION Imago Dialogue Mirroring Validating Empathizing Attributes of Empathy Staying out of Judgement Perspective Taking Recognizing and then Co mmunicating the emotion RSA SHORT FILM SYMPATHY VS EMPATHY TENANTS OF SHAME RESILIENCE Recognizing Shame The Physiology of it Naming/claiming it Utilizing Self-Compassion/Empat hy Soothing Self Talk Compassionate voice/messages Speaking Shame Reaching out to share my story with someone who s earned the right to hear it 7

8 DIALOGUE WITH THE SELF AS A TOOL TO PRACTICE SELF COMPASSION All my thoughts and feelings are valid and make sense based on how I m wired. Cultivating a nurturing, s o o thing, e mpathic vo ice /to ne in my he ad, s o that I talk to mys e lf the way I wo uld talk to someone I love. Re minding mys e lf and o pe rating fro m a fundame ntal truth that I am worthy of love and belonging no matter what. WHAT IF WE SAW OURSELVES THE WAY THAT THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE US DO? The goal of this process is to rise from our falls, overcome our mistakes, and face hurt in a way that brings more wisdom and wholeheartedness. The Reckoning: Walking into our Story ~ Recognize emotion, and get curious about our feelings and how they connect with the way we think and behave 8

9 The Rumble: Owning Our Story ~ Get honest about the stories we are making up about our struggle, then challenge these confabulations and assumptions to determine what s truth, what s selfprotection, and what needs to change if we want to lead more wholehearted lives. The Revolution: Proces s Becomes Practice ~ Write a new ending to our story based on the key learnings from our rumble and us e this ne w, brave r s tory to c hange how we engage with the world and to ultimately transform the way we live, love, parent and lead. STORY TELLING RSA SHORT FILM ON BLAME Recognizing we re hooked First physiological cue Discerning Fear vs. Shame The SFD Honest Unfiltered Unedited Po s s ibly uns hare able Reality checking the SFD What if the SFD isn t true at all? Starting your reality check with the story I m making up is or The story I m telling myself about this is. Looking at how this story might line up with your life s story. What s a new narrative? What could be different if you operated from the new narrative? BREAK FOR DIALOGUE 9

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