Detaching with Love:
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- Melanie Mitchell
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1 Detaching with Love: Overcoming Enmeshment Using CoDA Tools Sandra W. Greenville, SC CoDA I Am the Dream and I Must Come True 2019 Face Everything and Recover Retreat
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3 Enmeshment
4 What is enmeshment? A relationship between two or more people in which personal boundaries are permeable and unclear
5 How does enmeshment happen? Out of necessity Multigenerational pattern Avoidance of previous generation s pattern Unfulfilled needs
6 What does enmeshment look like? ONE OF US
7 You complete me.
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10 Why is this a problem? Isn t it good to be close? Loss of identity When you never say what you think, feel, want, in all practicality you don t exist. (Margalis Fjelstad Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist ) Parentification and neglect Natural separation is thwarted Targets bullies, narcissists, etc. Like attracts like We burn out
11 Karpman s Drama Triangle (as I see it) Self will The Victim AKA Savior; Martyr Poor me. Looks for sympathy & rescuing Feels sad, helpless, used, & abused. Blameless, powerless, incapable, ashamed Dependent, oppressed, hopeless, trapped Resentment The Rescuer AKA People Pleaser; Fixer; Peacemaker Rescuing provides a sense of purpose and worth. Self-esteem is based on approval and being good Often helps & give advice without being asked. Sacrifices their own wants & needs. Feels guilty and anxious if doesn t rescue. Gossip Blame Triangulation Enmeshment Dependency Self will Chaos Denial Drama Selfishness Guilt Rigidity Shame Separation Dishonesty Reactivity Jealousy Self-Seeking Conditional Love Self will The Persecutor AKA Bully I am right. Full of anger and resentment. Wants to punish, make them feel as bad as we do Critical, bossy, domineering, controlling Blames & finger points
12 Why do we stay enmeshed?
13 Fear of conflict Fear of anger Fear. As long as you are afraid of anger you will find yourself stuck in the caretaker role. (Margalis Fjelstad Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist ) Fear of abandonment Fear of the unknown Symbiosis is homeostasis Fear of ourselves
14 Loyalty Preoccupation Compulsion Obligation.
15 Guilt. Internal messages I am selfish. Rooted in childhood Unconscious messages not to have needs or wants. When we asked we were made to feel ashamed. We relive the pain Today when we try to assert ourselves the old wounds reopen. We return to our roles to avoid the pain.
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18 Break Denial
19 Self Esteem & Self Worth
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21 Detach With Love
22 Boundaries
23 Applying Boundaries 1. We have to know what we want. 2. We need to communicate what it is that we want / don t want (if appropriate). 3. We have to decide what we will do if that boundary is crossed. 4. We have to follow through.
24 If you, then I vs. When happens I feel I need.
25 No words needed
26 Loose boundaries vs. rigid boundaries
27 The Healthy Interdependence (no-drama) Triangle Happy Assertive Choice I actively work a program of recovery. I accept, love, forgive, and respect myself. I honor my wants, needs, feelings, and opinions. I have my own friends, interests, & hobbies. My self-esteem and self-worth are inherent. I take personal responsibility for my words, actions, and emotions. I can say no. I set healthy boundaries for myself. Unity Caring Choice I respect your needs, wants, feelings, & opinions. I respect that you have your own friends, interests, & hobbies. I can support you in a healthy way when you ask for help. I encourage and comfort you without fixing your problems. I listen empathetically & reflectively without judgement. I allow natural consequences to occur without interfering. Trust Forgiveness Authenticity Faith Belonging Safety I seek guidance from my HIGHER POWER Acceptance Free Humility Service Joyous Inclusion Autonomy Respect Flexibility Equality Vulnerable Choice I express my wants, needs, and feelings Unconditional Love I admit when I am wrong and apologize. I ask for what I want and need directly. Emotional Sobriety I can honestly & respectfully express my thoughts I share my experience, strength, & hope.
28 Get These Recovery Resources from CoDA Books: Codependents Anonymous, The basic text or Big Book of Codependence Anonymous CoDA Twelve Step and Twelve Tradition Workbook NEWCOMERS HANDBOOK, TOOLS OF RECOVERY, Sponsorship: What s in it for Me?, Peeling the Onion, Communication in Recovery, Making Choices, Twelve Steps Handbook, BUILDING CODA COMMUNITY: HEALTHY MEETINGS MATTER, Common Threads of Codependency, EXPERIENCES WITH CROSSTALK, Establishing Boundaries in Recovery, CARRYING THE MESSAGE: LIVING THE TWELFTH STEP. Audio CDs: Personal Sharing on the Twelve Steps, Codependency and Shame, Newcomers and Sponsorship CoDA Convention CDs: VWTapes.com Find Them At Retreat Presentation CDs: WhiteSoundStudios.com 2019 Face Everything and Recover Retreat
Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation Pat M. - Virginia. CoDA Face Everything and Recover Retreat
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