Navigating Difficult Relationships. October 30, 2017

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1 Navigating Difficult Relationships Steve & Debby Temmer October 30, 2017 Sponsored by:

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3 The Tank Person is confrontational, pointed and angry, the ultimate in pushy and aggressive behavior. The Sniper use rude comments, biting sarcasm, or a well-timed roll of the eyes. Making you look foolish is the Sniper s specialty. Snipers take shots at you to make you look bad or to try to undermine you.

4 Seldom in doubt, the Know-It-All person has a low tolerance for correction and contradiction. If something goes wrong, however, the Know-It-All will speak with the same authority about who s to blame you! The Know-It- All can be one of the toughest of all the types of difficult people to deal with. The challenge with a Know-It-All is that often enough they do, which perpetuates the pattern. The Think They Know It All person knows how to learn just enough about a subject to sound like they know what they are talking about. They are addicted to exaggeration as an attention-getting technique. "It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." Mark Twain

5 After a brief period of calm, the Grenade person explodes into unfocused ranting and raving about things that have nothing to do with the present circumstances. Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Phyllis Diller In an effort to please people and avoid confrontation, Yes People say yes." They say yes without thinking things through. They react to the latest demands on their time by forgetting prior commitments, and overcommit until they have no time for themselves. Then they become resentful.

6 In a moment of decision, the Maybe Person procrastinates in the hope that a better choice will present itself. Sadly, with most decisions, there comes a point when is it too little, too late. And the decision makes itself. A Nothing Person doesn t contribute to the conversation. No verbal feedback. No nonverbal feedback.you get Nothing.

7 A No Person kills momentum and creates friction for you. More deadly to morale than a speeding bullet, more powerful than hope, able to defeat big ideas with a single syllable. Disguised as a mild mannered normal person, the No Person fights a never ending battle for futility, hopeless ness, and despair. Laugh the world laughs with you; whine and you whine alone. Whiners feel helpless and overwhelmed by an unfair world. Their standard is perfection, and no one and nothing measures up to it. But misery loves company, so they bring their problems to you. Offering solutions makes you bad company, so their whining escalates.

8 1. It is not about behavioral modification but about heart change. 2. We need to have empowering ways of managing ourselves as we relate to other people. 3. Our power and peace are rooted in being able to maintain our freedom around each other. Without a priority of self-control, we live in constant reaction to one another. Danny Silk

9 The Co-dependent Cycle Your stuff triggers my stuff, and I don t know what to do when you do that. Stop it!!! Now I am going to blame you for what I do. If you don t do that, I wont have to do this. Danny Silk

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11 Ineffective people focus on the outer circle! Serenity Prayer God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (outer circle); courage to change the things I can (inner circle); and the wisdom to know the difference. Coach Teacher Parents Media School Friends The Circle of Concern Co-Workers Well Intentioned People Adult Children All we are concerned about but have NO control: What we are responsible for: Feelings Words Attitudes Behaviors Thoughts God ME Talents Desires Choices Limits Actions Expectations Love Perceptions Young Children Anybody or Anything Outside my Circle of Concern Economy The Past In-Laws Work Weather Family Students Wife Husband If our focus stays on the outer circle our influence will shrink. Effective People Focus on the Inside Circle. If We Focus There We Will Grow!

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14 Questions? 1. Who currently is the most difficult person in your life? 2. What is my strongest emotion about this person/situation? 3. What am I thinking that is causing these thoughts/emotions? 4. What does God say about this thought and or emotions? 5. What would my life be like without that thought?

15 Top Ten Tips for Navigating Difficult Relationships

16 10. Proper Perspective: *Definition: A particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view. * All behavior starts with a thought. * Our thoughts stimulate emotions which then result in attitudes and actions.

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18 9. Serve Willingly: * It is better to give than receive. Acts 20:35 * Synonyms: to arrange, assist, attend to, be of use, care for, deliver, do for, handle, minister to, oblige, provide, wait on, work for.

19 8. Be humble: *don t demand your way *exercise humility, the opposite is pride * Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. 1 Peter 5:5

20 7. Be a peacemaker: *Silence is a great peacemaker. * Choose to make peace a habit, live it, think peaceful thoughts, say peaceful words, live peaceful actions, be a peacemaker. Mattie JT Stepanel * Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God! Matthew 5:9

21 6. Be an Encourager *To give courage *You will either speak life or death into someone else s life. * Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit. Proverbs 18:21

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23 5. Take time for yourself: *get centered; go for walks exercise; read; listen to music * fatigue makes cowards of us all *Even Jesus took personal time out! Jesus withdrew to pray!!! Luke 5:16

24 4. Manage expectations properly: *Conscious: Are you aware of yours? *Realistic: Can anyone meet yours? *Spoken: Does anyone know yours? *Agreed Upon: Does everyone agree?

25 3. Set Healthy Boundaries Return to old relationship patterns out of guilt Passive Assertive Aggressive Interactions feel like violations. I am less than. Controlled Interactions feel respectful. I am an equal. Mutual Interactions feel powerful. I am superior. Controlling Experienced as being a doormat. Maintains dignity, honors self and others. Creates isolation (safe behind angry walls, but alone) Resorting to anger to create a sense of emotional safety

26 Karpman s Drama Triangle Persecutor (Power) It s all your fault Rescuer (Over-Responsible) Let me help you Characteristics Discounts the capacity of others to think & act for themselves. Put other people down. Punishes if one doesn t align with them. Driven by anger. Rigid authoritative stance. Victim (Vulnerable) Poor Me Characteristics Discounts the capacity of others to think & act for themselves. Helps others without asking them if they want to be helped. Does more than their fair share. Does things they don t want to do. Characteristics Discounts own capacity to think & act for themselves. They put themselves down. Doesn t use adult thinking & problem solving. Feels oppressed, helpless, hopeless, ashamed & powerless.

27 Boundaries empower us to own our thoughts, emotions and behaviors. Boundaries reduce anger because they help us feel safe from being controlled. Assertive boundaries are not secret, they are expressed and practiced. Boundaries help us show up and stay present and give voice to our needs and preferences.

28 2. Forgive ahead of time: *Be Proactive rather than reactive. *"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Louis B. Smedes * For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you Matthew 6:14

29 1. Love Well: *Step in their shoes join them in their journey Teacher, which is the great commandment in *36 the Law? 37 And he said to him, You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the great and first commandment. 39 And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the 40 Law and the Prophets. Matthew 22:36-40

30 ! The Relational Bridge Empathy Validation Grace Truth Over Time Builds Trust

31 One of the greatest gifts we can give our world is to be a community of emotionally healthy adults who love well. This will take the power of God and a commitment to learn, grow, and break with unhealthy, destructive patterns that go back generations in our families and cultures and in some cases, our Christian Culture Peter Scazzero

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