Facing the Feelings of Emotional Abandonment Where Have All the Flowers Gone? By Joyce Nevola, LMSW Bereavement Counselor

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1 A newsletter to aid in bereavement May/June 2015 PATHWAYS TO HEALING HOSPICE OF CENTRAL NEW YORK Facing the Feelings of Emotional Abandonment Where Have All the Flowers Gone? By Joyce Nevola, LMSW Bereavement Counselor Some of us may remember the song written by Pete Seeger and later recorded by Peter, Paul, and Mary which spoke of death, deprivation, and loss in light of the anti-war rhetoric of the time. Flowers, a pre-eminent sign of summer s pageantry, no longer graced our vision of hope in new life with their pretty hues and sweet scents of glory. Flowers delivered to our home or flocking the casket where our loved one received our unwilling good-byes remind us of the loving and spontaneous support of family, friends, colleagues, and neighbors at the time of death. Whether a total blur or a clear imprint in our minds, a gift of flowers can remind us, if only for an instant, that in our darkest and most vulnerable moments when we could barely stand, we were carried by love. In the immediate days after the death, flowers were replaced by practical offers to provide meals, look after the children, organize endless thank you notes, or walk the dog. Still in a daze, we appreciated release from these mundane chores when we barely had energy to get through the next day. As time went on and days passed, family and friends got back to the routine of their own lives. Support quickly dwindled. Thoughtful gestures were replaced by the expectation that we, too, would get on with our lives which were anything but routine. Our world had been turned upside down and as the shock of death began to fade into the frame of finality, we felt totally isolated in our grief. Sentences like, It s time for you to get yourself together or He/she wouldn t want you to be sad deepened our sense of emotional abandonment. Perhaps, the most painful moments of all occurred when people no longer said anything at all. While still emotionally invested in a loved one who is no longer living, our pain can become magnified by isolation. Here are some suggestions: It is helpful to name our feelings. In a recent Grief Center Support Group, all 14 participants named emotional abandonment as the most painful feeling they were experiencing. It is important to stay in touch with people we enjoy and do things we like, even if the conversation no longer is reflective of our grief concerns. It can be beneficial to talk with people outside of our circle of family and friends (family physician, spiritual leader, church members, supports groups, bereavement counselor, on-line blogs). Making a list of current support needs (both emotional and practical) can help to sort through what is important NOW. Can people be named who can provide the support that is needed? Questioning the appropriate use of support is helpful. Ask: Do I underuse support? Do I take my support for granted? Do I depend too much on support? Am I willing to accept support? Know that you are guaranteed compassionate and ongoing support of the Hospice Grief Center. In lieu of flowers, contact us at Page 1

2 CopingWithGrief (Support groups for adults grieving the death of a loved one) ******************************************************************************** The Hospice Bereavement Team offers to Hospice families and the community an opportunity to come together to talk about their loss and their on-going grief. During the months of April, May, June and July, we offer drop-in groups. These groups are open to anyone who has experienced a loss and would like information, support and a perspective on different types of grief-coping strategies. You do not need to register for these groups, but please show up on time. The topics of discussion for the upcoming series are: April 20th: May 4th: May 18th: June 1st: June 15th: June 29th: July 13th: July 27th: Journey of Grief Meditation and Guided Imagery Unfinished business not being able to say good-bye Dealing with Feelings Creative Expressions From Guilt to Self-forgiveness Grief Survival Skills Dispelling the Myths of Grief **************************************************************************************************** TIME: 6:00-7:00 PM WHERE: The Grief Hospice CNY 990 Seventh North Street, Liverpool Attend one, some or all. No registration is required. Groups meet in the Solace Room For information, please call x208 Participants of all ages are invited to Honor Loved Ones Who Have Died in Memory of Mother s Day, Memorial Day, Father s Day Join us for a Creative Crafts Workshop On May 4th from 6 to 7:30 PM Facilitated by Sarah Griffin, LMSW, Children s Bereavement Counselor Joyce Nevola, LMSW, Bereavement Counselor No experience necessary - You may want to bring small momentos of your loved one. REGISTRATION IS REQUIRED - CALL ext. 208 Page 2

3 OPEN YOUR HEART IN THE MIDST OF YOUR LOSS By Susan Bachorik, MA, Bereavement Counselor After the loss of a loved one, many family members and friends suggest that it is time for you to move on. What does that mean? Death changes your life. Someone said to me I wouldn t want my family to know how this feels because then they would have to suffer a loss like me. It s true, unless you have had the same experience you cannot understand how it feels. Even when someone has been diagnosed with a terminal illness, we continue to hope for a cure, not wanting to face the obvious. It is hard to prepare oneself for death. When someone says You have grieved long enough, time to move on, are they really saying they want you to return to the person you were before the death of your loved one? We know that is not easy or even possible. Most individuals I have counseled do not like to hear the words Move on, and one questions whether it is even feasible to move on in the sense that your family and friends want you to. You have been physically and emotionally impacted by your loved one s death. Everything in your life has shifted. You are different and you feel differently about life. It takes time to adjust to death. There is no manual that says you can only grieve for a certain amount of time and then your grieving time is over. Many grieve the loss of their loved one for a lifetime. Of course, over time we hope the pain subsides and you find a place in your heart for your grief. Even though it is hard to hear the words You ll feel better in time, time does play a role in the grieving process. It is almost a guarantee that you will not feel the same today as you did last month or last year. The intensity of your pain changes, how you adjust to being without your loved one changes and your view of life changes. What doesn t change is the love you shared with your loved one. The key thing to remember is that we all have varying coping styles and incredible resilience. An initial step, and a very difficult step, is to feel the hard stuff. It is hard to acknowledge that this is your life now. Avoidance does not make it go away. Instead of closing your heart and numbing yourself to life, open your heart. There are many individuals who are feeling as you do and it s okay to reach out to them. The Hospice Grief Center offers support groups for loss and I encourage you to attend. SPOUSAL/PARTNER LOSS GROUP Meets on Monday afternoons in the Solace Room. 1:00 2:30 p.m. No registration required. Open to the community. Use the Panasci Entrance. If you have any questions, please contact Susan x208. Page 3

4 CAMP HEALING HEARTS Registration is open now! The details for camp are: August 24th-27th from 9am to 4pm. Camp takes place at Camp Iroquois in Manlius, NY. The age range is for children entering grades one through six as of September Please call Sarah Piskor-Griffin x211 to register, or for more information.! LUNCH SWIMMING HORSEBACK RIDING CRAFTS GAMES DRAMA CLIMBING WALL CANOEING GAMES SURPRISES Think summer...think Camp Service of Remembrance The Hospice Grief Center Hospice of Central New York provides support for Hospice families for 13 months following the death of their loved one. There is no charge for our services. Thank you for participating in April s Service of Remembrance and Hope! We are planning another service for this Fall. We plan to have more information about the event in the months and weeks ahead. Community members are welcome to attend workshops and drop-in groups at no charge. Donations are appreciated for community members requesting individual counseling. Page 4

5 HEALING HEARTS KIDS AND TEENS CORNER Butterflies and Rainbows By Sarah Griffin, LMSW, Bereavement Counselor Count your rainbows, not your thunderstorms. These words stated by a child remind us that even in grief there can be hope. We all try to find ways to navigate through the pain of grieving the loss of a loved one. Activities such as spending time with friends, participating in sports, or listening to music can be healthy ways that children and teens outlet their feelings. Often, returning back to activities can provide relief from grief. It is also important to find ways to express grief. Just like butterflies and rainbows, each life has a journey. To go from a catepillar to a butterfly or from one end of the rainbow to the other end is a process and takes steps. Grief can be a confusing and uncertain time for children and teens. Creating a Grief Journal can be a great way to write down feelings, draw feelings, recall memories, and record changes in life. Writing out thoughts and feelings can also be a safety net when talking does not feel comfortable. Part of this journal could be to write a letter to the person who died, which may help the child or teen to still feel close or connected to that person. Even though the person is not physically present to read the letter, the words associated with feelings and memories shared will exist. Finding your way through grief can be very hard. Looking for ideas to help feel better can encourage healthy grieving and hopeful living. Life can be full of rainbows and butterflies. Rainbows are the reward for weathering life s storms and butterflies are the reward for growth and change....the sun will set and the sun will rise, and it will shine upon us tomorrow in our grief and our gratitude, and we will continue to live with purpose, memory, passion, and love. Laurene Jobs Page 5

6 Hospice of Central New York 990 Seventh North Street Liverpool, NY Non-Profit Org. US Postage Paid Permit No. 24 Syracuse, NY Current Resident or Calendar of Events May 4th - Creative Crafts Workshop May 4-July 27th: Coping with Grief NOTICE Hospice of Central New York does not discriminate on the basis of race, ethnicity, color, sexual orientation or religion. If you prefer not to receive Pathways, call Monday Afternoons: Spousal/Partner Loss Group Aug 24- Aug 27: Camp Healing Hearts Articles Inside Where Have All The Flowers Gone Open Your Heart In The Midst of Your Loss Butterflies and Rainbows All events held at Hospice of CNY are fully accessible. To check on cancellations due to weather or emergency, call x 307 two hours prior to the event. Page 6