The language of grief

Transcription

1 fall 2014 A mourner is, perforce, a person with a story. The pity is, how very rarely it gets told. Christian McEwen In This Issue 1 The language of grief 3 Coping with the holidays 4 How can I comfort my teen? 5 Adult Support Groups The language of grief Loss and grief are so powerful and life-changing they can literally leave us at a loss for words. As a grief counselor, I often hear from individuals in mourning who say that people don t understand them and don t speak the same language. After a loved one dies, we may find we need new language to express our unique experience. Recently a team of researchers (Corless et al, 2014)* considered this dilemma by asking bereaved individuals how they express their grief. The researchers identified four distinct modes of expression that a person in mourning may use as they try to understand their experience and make meaning from it. Those four modes are called narrative, symbolism, metaphor and analysis. Narrative is the story we tell ourselves and others about our loved one s death. Symbolism is the way we link our loved one with an object that s significant to us. For instance, we may refer to a loved one s spirit as a particular animal or as a star in the sky. Metaphor is one of the most frequent means of expressing grief. Common metaphors include grief as a river, a wave, a storm or a labyrinth. Analysis refers to the way we identify which ideas or language is helpful to us. For example, we decide when or if a piece of advice is useful. Continued on page 2

2 The language of grief Continued from page 1 Depending on someone s life experience, cultural and/or spiritual background, he or she will use these modes of expression in their own unique way. The common thread is they all represent the natural use of language to process grief, heal and grow. Here s how you can apply this information to your own grief journey: Narrative: What do you tell yourself and others about your loved one s death? When you are aware of your unique, individual story, you can begin to make changes that will help you move along the grief path. For example, even a slight shift in language from I can t live without him to How can I live without him may create an opening for new understanding and potential options. In addition, if you write your story, you can note changes over time and reinforce your healing and progress. Symbolism: Consider how you use symbolism to process your grief. What special object best represents your loved one? A neighbor of mine found solace in seeing her mother as a dragonfly. Metaphor: Close your eyes for a moment, take a deep breath and focus on some aspect of your grief. Ask yourself if your grief has a particular shape, color or sensation? What does it remind you of? Sometimes it helps to have a piece of paper and crayons, chalk or pen handy to either write or draw. Analysis: What are some of the comments you ve heard? Well-meaning friends may suggest you start dating again if you lost your spouse or that you move on and put grief behind you. Even the comment, I m sorry for your loss may seem insensitive and may close the door on further communication. How do you feel when people say such things, and how do you respond? There aren t any quick and easy answers in this process we know as grief. While the challenges you face may be many, you are learning a new, universal language that will help you process your grief and live a full and meaningful life. If you would like to meet others who are also learning to speak this new language, you are invited to join our grief support groups. These groups offer opportunities to share and learn as well as to give and receive support. Give us a call. We d like to help as you learn this new language. - Barb Digman, grief support services counselor *Corless, Inge B., et al. Languages of Grief: a model for understanding the expressions of the bereaved. Health Psychology and Behavioral Medicine, 2(1), Recommended Readings Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief by Martha Whitmore Hickman Don t Take My Grief Away from Me: How to Walk Through Grief and Learn to Live Again, 3rd ed. by Doug Manning 2

3 Special Events - Coping with the Holidays Managing loss and grief during a time of seasonal celebration can seem overwhelming. Our Coping with the Holidays workshops offer mutual support and suggestions to help you gain insight and strength. There is no charge to attend. Please let us know if you plan to attend so we can make sure we have sufficient materials for the workshop. For more information or to register, please call Olympia Tuesday, Nov. 11, 6 8 p.m. Providence SoundHomeCare and Hospice 3432 South Bay Rd NE, Olympia Lacey Monday, Nov. 17, 10 a.m. to noon Lacey Presbyterian Church 3045 Carpenter Road, Lacey Shelton Date and location is still to be determined. For more information, please call Barb Digman at The 2014 Fall Grief Support Group will meet Thursdays, 6:15-7:45 p.m., Oct Dec. 11. Group nights begin with pizza and play. The kids, teens and caregivers then meet in small groups for discussion and activities designed to explore different aspects of grief. Each week builds on the concepts, discussions and activities of the previous week, so attending all six weeks is recommended. Our regular session topics include: Week 1: Learning about grief and getting to know each other Week 2: Exploring feelings and learning how to cope with them Week 3: Sharing our stories Week 4: Dealing with regret, guilt and unfinished business Week 5: Identifying and adjusting to changes Week 6: Keeping memories and staying connected SoundCareKids is provided at no cost to families in Thurston, Lewis and Mason counties through funding from Providence St. Peter Foundation. For more information about counseling or to reserve your place in an upcoming session, call Providence SoundHomeCare and Hospice at Pre-registration is required. 3

4 Supporting your child How to really help a grieving teen Many parents and caregivers find adolescents to be a constant mystery. When a loss occurs, it may be even more challenging to connect with a teen. As much as adults want to provide comfort, teens may be unwilling to talk about their grief. Some teens can t even verbalize what they re feeling, what they are struggling with or what they need because their grief is so powerful. Grieving teens commonly experience these reactions: Changes in behavior Acting like the death didn t happen Withdrawing from friends and family Sleeping problems or nightmares Concentration trouble Changes in appetite Mood swings Cognitively, teens understand that death is permanent and universal. They understand the loss will change them, but they don t want to be seen as different. It can be tricky for parents and caregivers to balance a teen s need for independence and autonomy with support and attention during their time of grief. Bridget Park, a high school senior in Reno, Nev., was recently featured in a TEDx talk about teens and grief. She bravely shared her family s story of grief and loss after her older brother s suicide. Bridget exposed many of the unhelpful and potentially harmful platitudes people say to those who are grieving. She eloquently stated, The way you comfort someone can make a big difference in how they feel. Bridget went on to describe how our culture s fear of death can impede healing for survivors. Have you ever noticed that death isn t talked about often? Death is like the skeleton in the closet that no one wants to bring out. It makes us uncomfortable. This is why everyone is awkward whenever we talk to someone who is grieving. We just don t know what to say. It s our natural reaction to say, I m sorry because we really do feel terrible for what happened to them, but like I said, it s not comforting. So, this is what I ve learned. I ve learned that what most people said to me when I was grieving made me feel worse even though they didn t mean to. Another excerpt sums up her feelings beautifully, Don t feel sorry for me and treat me differently this does not comfort me. Bridget offers these specific ways to comfort a grieving teen: Take time to share positive memories of the person who died. Offer support such as, I m here to talk if you need to. Offer a hug. Acknowledge the death without pity. Validate feelings of loss by saying, I know you miss them. I miss them too. Be honest and talk about feelings of grief. Encourage him or her to engage with friends and participate in enjoyable activities. These tactics will help your teen feel supported, connected and reassured as they grieve, while making a positive difference in how they feel. To watch Bridget Park s presentation, visit Recommended Readings The Truth About Forever by Sarah Dessen 4

5 Adult Support Groups Everyone has the capacity to heal and grow after the life-altering experience of a major loss. Our goal is to help people understand and cope with their grief while offering support and opportunities to learn and grow. We help people identify needs and strengths, and we work with them to develop a plan to address these needs and strengths. We welcome individuals, families and groups in the community. For information about individual counseling or to make an appointment, call Adult Support Groups (Ongoing) Daytime 1st and 3rd Monday of each month 10-11:30 a.m. Lacey Presbyterian Church 3045 Carpenter Road SE, Lacey Information: st and 3rd Tuesday of each month 1:30-3 p.m. Shelton Health and Rehabilitation Center 153 Johns Court, Shelton Information: Evening 2nd and 4th Tuesday of each month 6-7:30 p.m. Providence SoundHomeCare and Hospice 3432 South Bay Road NE, Olympia Information: Loss of Child Support Group (The Compassionate Friends) 1st Monday of each month 7-8:30 p.m. Providence St. Peter Hospital (Executive Mtg. Room) 413 Lilly Road NE, Olympia Information: Allen Roth at Coming in January 2015! A Mindful Approach to Grief (6-week series) This new grief support group will meet for six consecutive weeks to explore how the concept of mindfulness can be an important tool in holding deep grief. Meeting time and place is still to be determined. For additional information, please call Barb Digman at RE AM 9-14

6 Providence SoundHomeCare and Hospice 3432 South Bay Road NE Olympia, WA NON-PROFIT ORGANIZATION U.S. POSTAGE PAID OLYMPIA, WA PERMIT NO. 494 Grief Support for All Ages Providence SoundHomeCare and Hospice provides a full range of grief support and bereavement services for adults and children. We can help you better understand and cope with your grief, while offering support and opportunities to learn and grow. See INSIDE for more information! The Tr ou g h There is a trough in waves, a low spot where horizon disappears and only sky and water are our company. And there we lose our way unless we rest, knowing the wave will bring us to its crest again. There we may drown If we let fear hold us in its grip and shake us side to side, and leave us flailing, torn, disoriented. But if we rest there in the trough, in silence, being in the low part of the wave, keeping our energy and noticing the shape of things, the flow, then time alone will bring us to another place where we can see horizon, see land again, regain our sense of where we are, and where we need to swim. Judy Brown