PATHWAYS. A Hospice Newsletter to Help with Grief January/February ARE YOU ENOUGH? By Paul A. Metzler, D. Min.

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1 PATHWAYS A Hospice Newsletter to Help with Grief January/February 2013 ARE YOU ENOUGH? By Paul A. Metzler, D. Min. Recently, the subways in NYC featured saturation advertisements for a child service agency seeking new staff. A saturation campaign means every ad space on selected subway cars is used so the message cannot be missed. The posters in this campaign repeat a question, with variations: Are you strong enough to be a child protective specialist? Are you real enough? Are you brave enough? Are you good enough? Are you kind enough? And so on. It got me thinking about the abilities we need when it comes to grieving. What does it take to be a mourner? What personal characteristics are needed to do the work of grief? When I think of the times of grief in my own life or the grief journeys of others I have accompanied over the years, I think one answer is, it takes everything you ve got. Most grief journeys require toughness, courage, wisdom, patience, resilience and more. Grieving draws on all of our capacities as a human being to think, feel, and behave our way through the complex process of grief. A few years ago I gave a talk to other bereavement counselors and hospital social workers on The Capacity to Grieve. I hoped to help them realize that not all grievers are created equal and may need different types of help. I identified several baseline capacities that in my view enable bereaved persons to effectively grieve. They include: 1. The capacity to experience and express many different emotions. 2. The cognitive ability to consider many thoughts almost simultaneously. 3. The spiritual capacity to reflect on life s purpose and meaning at a personal level. 4. The capacity to have attachments of care with and for others. 5. The ability to develop insight and see connections among the many feelings, thoughts and experiences that characterize loss. 6. The gift of seeing the positive dimension and unexpected moments of peace, even humor, in the midst of loss. There are probably even more capacities that are needed to effectively grieve. This list at least suggests how demanding the work of grief is for each of us. I hope you can use this list to identify the abilities you do have as well as the areas where you may have vulnerabilities. None of us has enough of all the capacities we will need or has them consistently. By knowing more about your strengths and weaknesses for the tasks of grieving, you will be able to seek the right kind of help. You can turn to your local hospice, where the bereavement staff will be able to help or know where else you may get the assistance you need. Knowing you need help and perceiving the type of support you might need will definitely make the journey of grief more understandable and manageable Hospice Foundation of America. Reprinted with permission. For more information, visit or call Pathways 1

2 GRIEF SUPPORT GRIEF COUNSELING SUPPORT Hospice of Central New York offers a thirteenmonth grief support program through The Hospice Grief Center. Our professional bereavement counselors are available by appointment to help families and loved ones through this difficult time. Services offered for: Individuals Children Couples Families Please call to request services. ADULT GRIEF SUPPORT GROUP A group for adults who have experienced a loss, led by The Hospice Grief Center staff. Six Wednesdays: January 9 th February 13 th, :00 7:15 PM Topics include: Understanding grief Reactions to grief Adjusting to change Remembering well Living peacefully with grief Registration is required, please call HELP FOR NEW GRIEF Thursdays, January 17 th & February 21 st, :00-7:15 PM A monthly meeting for those who have recently experienced a death of a loved one, or for those who would like to know more about their grief and the resources available at The Hospice Grief Center. WALK-N-TALK GROUPS Destiny USA Group: Meet in the Food Court at 9:00 AM Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays Contact: Ann Maxfield at Great Northern Mall Group: Meet in front of Regal Box Office Fridays at 12:30 PM Contact: Celestina Spinella at Please call at with questions or for additional information. Do we have a right to distract ourselves from our pain and our joy? Do we have a right to happiness, those of us who are walking scars? Do we have a right to joy? To the future? I remember these questions. I asked them too. Anne Brewer Mourning and Mitzvah Pathways 2

3 CHILDREN AND TEEN GRIEF SUPPORT HEALING HEARTS WORKSHOP TEEN GROUP A group for teens ages Six Tuesdays January 8 th February 12 th, :30-6:45 PM Reflections Teen Group is a place where teenagers can come and express their grief in helpful ways. February 7, :00-8:00 PM This program will provide the opportunity for individuals of any age who are grieving this Valentine s Day to draw comfort from their memories of their deceased loved one through activities, crafts and fellowship with others. We hope you will be able to join us. Facilitated by Amy VanDusen, MSW Registration is required, please call Amy VanDusen, MSW at x 211 Registration is required, please call HEALING HEARTS KIDS AND TEENS CORNER BOOKS & ACTIVITIES FOR CHILDREN WHO ARE GRIEVING The Next Place by Warren Hanson portrays an afterlife in a non-religious, beautiful, and soft way. The illustrations are gorgeous. It is an uplifting book to read and discuss with children who are grieving over the death of a loved one and are trying to find meaning about what happens after death. After reading the book with your child, you each can draw a picture of what you imagine the next place is for your loved one who died draw what it looks like, feels like, smells like, etc. Once finished, share the drawings with each other. This activity can be used as a tool to talk to the child about their questions, possible misconceptions, and family beliefs about what happens after death. This book, as well as the activity, is appropriate for children of any age. The Invisible String, by Patrice Karst, is a wonderful book to help children realize that they are connected to many people and that these heart connections can never be broken. By using the image of an invisible string that represents our memories and love for a person, children realize they can remain connected, even after a loved one dies. This book is appropriate for children 7 years of age and older. After reading this book with your child, make an invisible string garland together. Cut out hearts from any paper and use fishing line to string them together. On the hearts, write how you and your child are connected to your loved one through a memory or other characteristic i.e. we have the same color hair, we both loved ice cream, etc. The garland can then be hung up somewhere special in your home. Amy VanDusen, MSW, Child and Family Grief Specialist Pathways 3

4 WEIGHING GRIEF Those who have experienced the death of a loved one know that decisions do not always come easily. There are questions about what to do with a deceased loved ones clothes or cherished possessions. Is there a right time to do this? Concerned family and friends may offer help, encouraging you to do some things right away or hold off on others. They may give good reasons why they believe their advice. You might agree with the suggestions or perhaps not. Typically, friends and family mean the best by offering suggestions, but it can be difficult when this advice does not work for you. The best recommendation I ve heard on coping with grief comes from a story by Mitchell Chefitz. He wrote of a family grieving the loss of a child. They were making a difficult decision and sought guidance from a hospital social worker. The social worker knows she cannot make the decision for this family she just met. Instead, she asks them: Which way is lighter? Feel it. Weigh it. I know both sides are heavy, but one is lighter. Which one? Whichever one makes you lighter is the way to go. The social worker understood that this family had already lost a great deal. It was not their choice. She knew that, though it was difficult, the family deserved to be able to make this choice. Advice givers mean well but may not be in tune with your needs as a griever. Let them know that you appreciate their concern, then weigh your choices and feel which way is lighter for you. Marna Metcalf, MA, Grief Counselor Hospice of Central New York Families All counseling and support group services are covered for those whose loved one died in the Hospice of Central New York program in the last 13 months. There is a nominal registration fee for camp and some workshops. Other Members of the CNY Community Those who experienced a non-hospice death are offered the following services free of charge: support groups, grief talks and workshops, bi-annual Service of Remembrance, lending library and Pathways newsletter. We ask that each person contribute what they are able for short term counseling. Hospice of Central New York does not discriminate on the basis of race, ethnicity, color, sexual orientation or religion. If there is anything worse than loss, it is not being able to share it with those closest to you. Feelings stay trapped under your skin until you're so constricted you can't move or breathe freely. I'm convinced it's not loss itself that cripples people; it's the refusal to grieve it. Kim Jocelyn Dickson Pathways 4

5 HEALING WORDS The bud stands for all things, even for those things that can t flower, for everything flowers, from within, of self-blessing; though sometimes it is necessary to reteach a thing its loveliness, to put a hand on its brow of the flower and retell it in words and in touch it is lively until it flowers again from within, of self-blessing. From Saint Francis and The Sow by Galway Kinnell in Grace Eventually by Anne Lamott In our grief we may feel closed in and cut off from what has given us joy, meaning and purpose. We are like the bud that can t flower. If you look deeply into the palm of your hand, you will see your parents and all generations of your ancestors. All of them are alive in this moment. Each is present in your body. You are the continuation of each of these people. Thich Nhat Hanh Sometimes it seems that this grief we are experiencing is the only unbearable thing. But think...if we had no one we loved enough to mourn for, how flat, how terrible, our lives would be. And this particular person...what would our life have been without this one whom we loved so much? Was it worth the pain we are experiencing to have had this loved one for the time that we did? Yes, but--- Of course. This grief is not to be dismissed by some attempted appeal to reason. Not now. Not ever. But it may help from time to time to look on the underside of this pain - as one lifts a leaf to look at the silvery underside--and note what riches we have had in the life of this one whose death we mourn. Sometime down the road---and when that will be is as variable as the people who mourn - the grief will be on the underside and the sense of blessing and gratitude will be the bright surface, luminous and green. Madeleine L Engle Pathways 5

6 Hospice of Central New York 990 Seventh North Street Syracuse, NY Non-Profit Org. US Postage Paid Permit No. 24 Syracuse, NY Calendar of Events Adult Grief Support Group January 9 February 13, 2013 Reflections Teen Group January 8 February 12, 2013 Help for New Grief January 17 and February 21, 2013 Healing Hearts Workshop February 7, 2013 Check out our website at Please contact Ellen, Bereavement Office Coordinator, at for further information, or if you would prefer not to receive this publication. Unless otherwise noted, all events are held at Hospice of CNY (fully accessible). Should a program need to be cancelled due to weather or other emergency situation, we will leave a message at x 307 two hours prior to the event. Pathways 6