PATHWAYS. A Hospice Newsletter to Help with Grief May/June PLAYING A VIOLIN WITH JUST THREE STRINGS By Charles A. Corr

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1 PATHWAYS A Hospice Newsletter to Help with Grief May/June 2013 PLAYING A VIOLIN WITH JUST THREE STRINGS By Charles A. Corr There is a legendary story concerning the world-renown violinist, Itzhak Perlman. The story claims that he once came on stage to give a concern to a packed house, sat down, and began to play. Almost immediately, a sound like gunfire cracked across the auditorium as a string on his violin suddenly snapped. According to the story, instead of making his way off stage to replace the string on his violin, Perlman waited a moment, closed his eyes, and then signaled the conductor to begin again. After that, he played the entire piece with just three strings on his violin! When the music ended, the audience is said to have applauded Perlman with unusual energy for his extraordinary accomplishment: spontaneously recomposing the piece in his head to be played on a defective violin. Afterward, the story concludes that Perlman quieted the audience and said in a pensive, reverent tone: Sometimes it is our task to find out how much music you can still make with what you have left. It s a great story, one that we might very much wish to be true. This is especially so because Perlman was struck by polio at the age of four. As a result, he lost the use of his legs, must wear braces on both legs, and walks with crutches. Getting on stage for a man with such a handicap is a slow and awkward process. He must walk stiffly one step at a time, sit down, put his crutches on the floor, and adjust his leg braces before he can be ready to play. Going offstage to repair his violin and then coming back to play would have required a huge effort. Perhaps that is why the tale of playing a violin with just three strings is associated with Perlman s name, rather than the name of some other violinist. Unfortunately, the story is not true. It never happened. It may be that this urban legend, like so many others, continues to be told and retold because the moral it presents is so powerful. When we are confronted, often suddenly and unexpectedly, by a major loss in our lives, short of giving up on life itself, perhaps all we can realistically do is find out how much music we can still make with what we have left. After all, Itzhak Perlman triumphed over childhood polio and all the physical challenges that come with it to become a master of his craft, perhaps the outstanding classical violinist of our time. We may not ever be required to play a violin with just three strings. But all of us are called upon to make the best we can out of the lives we are given. Responding to that call in the face of death, loss, and grief is very, very difficult. We know, however, that others have done so before us, making awe-inspiring music with what they have left Hospice Foundation of America. Reprinted with permission. For more information, visit or call Pathways 1

2 GRIEF SUPPORT GRIEF COUNSELING SUPPORT Hospice of Central New York offers a thirteenmonth grief support program through The Hospice Grief Center. Our professional bereavement counselors are available by appointment to help families and loved ones through this difficult time. Services offered for: Individuals Children Couples Families Please call to request services. COPING WITH GRIEF ADULT SUPPORT GROUP A drop-in group for adults who have experienced a death of a loved one, led by Hospice Grief Center Staff. Come to one, some or all 10 sessions! Mondays, 6:00-7:00 PM April, 22; May 6, 20; June 3, 17; July 1, 15, 29; August 12, 26 Information about grief Grief coping strategies Support from others who have been there Registration is not required. HELP FOR NEW GRIEF Thursdays, May 16 th or June 20 th, 2013 ~ 6:00-7:00 PM Information about grief For those whose loved ones have recently died Learn about the Hospice Grief Center Please call at with questions or for additional information. Registration is not required. REFLECTIONS TEEN GROUP Six Tuesdays, May 7 June 11, :30-6:45 PM A place where teens (grades 7-12) can come and express their grief in helpful and creative ways. Meets at Hospice of Central New York. Please use the Panasci Entrance. Registration and Parent/Guardian permission is required. Please call Amy VanDusen, MSW Child & Family Grief Specialist, at x 211 to register. Pathways 2

3 CHILDREN AND TEEN GRIEF SUPPORT CAMP HEALING HEARTS A day camp for grieving children ages 6-14 Staffed by Masters level counselors and highly trained volunteers August 19-22, 2013 ~ 9:00 AM 4:00 PM Camp Iroquois, Manlius, NY Space at camp is limited. As of May 1 st, go to our website at for a brochure or an application for registration. HEALING HEARTS KIDS AND TEENS CORNER It s springtime! A time for the sight of blooming flowers, smell of cut grass, sounds of rainstorms, and the taste of a melting ice cream cone. Springtime often begins the time of planning for summertime vacations and times to get away from day to day routines. As you plan for your 2013 vacation season, keep in mind of a tried and true tradition of having your child attend a summer camp. Summer camps allow children to rest and renew in the safety of a structured, fun, and predictable setting. For those ages 6 to 14 years old, who are affected by the death of a loved one, Hospice of Central New York offers a creative, fun, and healing four day summer camp called Hospice of CNY s Camp Healing Hearts. Hospice of CNY s Camp Healing Hearts offers creative activities, high enthusiasm, caring adults, core camp activities (like swimming and horseback riding), and grief support in the comfort of a traditional fun-filled camp. Hospice of CNY s Camp Healing Hearts helps children grieve in healthy ways while having fun with other children who are living with the death of a loved one. As a former camper noted, I loved camp and I was really glad I came. I felt loved, supported, and felt like everyone cared about me. Hospice of CNY s Camp Healing Hearts offered this youngster, amongst many others who have attended the camp, a place of peace, replenishment, fun, and most importantly hope and acceptance. As a well-known author once stated, A perfect day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken. Best wishes for a safe and healthy spring for you and your family! Amy VanDusen, MSW Child and Family Grief Specialist Pathways 3

4 THE LOSS OF A SOULMATE Adapted from the writings of Jim Miller, author of What Will Help Me: 12 Things to Remember When You Have Suffered a Loss. and How Can I Help? Your loved one has left your life and changed it forever. However much you may wish otherwise, you will never be the same. You may find that each day has become an agony for you, that you cannot escape your anguish. However long this troubling time lasts, chances are it will seem too long. Your task, however, is to remain in your pain long enough -- not a day longer than you need to, but not a day less than your loss demands. For however uncomfortable this time is for you, it is serving a purpose. It is helping you heal. If you remember nothing else, remember this: you are not alone. Others have made the journey before that you are making now, and they have returned to lead lives that are both engaging and fulfilling. Others are making a similar journey at this moment and they are learning as you are learning. Sometimes it makes perfect sense to act a little crazy. German dramatist Gotthold Lessing once wrote, "There are things which must cause you to lose your reason or you have none to lose." If your loss has been severe, and if your pain is intense, you may have cause to lose your reason. You may feel and act not quite normal. That happens naturally when everything around you feels abnormal. Take yourself lightly at times. While your life may feel justifiably heavy these days, it's still possible you may begin to see the humor in some of the things you've said and done. Smile at yourself, and be forgiving. Remember your stories so you can retell them one day as a way of helping others. Submitted by Susan Bachorik, MA, Grief Counselor Hospice of Central New York Families Grief services are covered for those whose loved one died in the Hospice of Central New York program in the last 13 months. There is a nominal registration fee for camp and workshops. Other Members of the CNY Community Those who experienced a non-hospice death are offered the following services free of charge: grief talks and workshops, bi-annual Service of Remembrance, lending library and Pathways newsletter. We ask that each person contribute what they are able for short term counseling and support groups. Hospice of Central New York does not discriminate on the basis of race, ethnicity, color, sexual orientation or religion. Pathways 4

5 THE HEALING ARTS By Kathleen R. Haley, LCSWR# The work of grief may be regarded as an act of faith, an act of courage when we choose to face our fears and go inward; not seeking answers but rather recognizing that creativity flourishes not in certainty but in questions. We yearn for security rather than venturing, instant knowing rather than deliberate waiting. How do we or why would we choose to embrace our pain? Sue Monk Kidd encourages us to do just that in her book, When The Heart Waits. She tells the story of fishing with her grandfather as a young child. She said sometimes he would sit with her for hours and he would throw his line in the water without bait. One time she asked him why he didn t put a worm on his line. He answered, Well, sometimes it s not the fish I m after, it s the fishing. Grieving can be a time of struggle to live in the moment, to not be focused on the results: How long will I feel this way? When will I be at a different place? I feel so alone, how do I manage? Grieving can be a time of practicing letting go of control and being open to possibility and experiencing a sense of grace. I don t understand the mystery of grace - only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us. From Grace Eventually, a book by Anne LaMott When it seems that our sorrow is too great to be borne, let us think of the great family of the heavy hearted into which our grief has given us entrance, and inevitably, we will feel about us their arms, their sympathy, their understanding. Believe when you are most unhappy, that there is something for you to do in the world. So long as you can sweeten another's pain, life is not in vain. Helen Keller MEMORY CRAFT WORKSHOP Wednesday, May 15, 2013 ~ 6:00 8:00 pm Facilitators: Marna Metcalf, MA and Amy VanDusen, MSW This program will provide the opportunity for individuals of any age to draw comfort from their memories through craft activities and fellowship. No Experience Necessary Beginners Welcome Please bring mementos to add meaning to your creations, perhaps small photos or trinkets Register early; space is limited and we need to prepare some materials in advance. Call by May 10th to make your reservation. Pathways 5

6 Hospice of Central New York 990 Seventh North Street Syracuse, NY Non-Profit Org. US Postage Paid Permit No. 24 Syracuse, NY Calendar of Events Coping With Grief Adult Support Group May 6, 20; June 3, 17, 2013 Reflections Teen Group May 7 June 11, 2013 Creative Arts Workshop May 15, 2013 Help for New Grief Group May 16 or June 20, 2013 Check out our website at Please contact Ellen, Bereavement Office Coordinator, at for further information, or if you would prefer not to receive this publication. Unless otherwise noted, all events are held at Hospice of CNY (fully accessible). Should a program need to be cancelled due to weather or other emergency situation, we will leave a message at x 307 two hours prior to the event. Pathways 6