Commando Conversations: Becoming Conflict-Competent Shawn McVey, MA, MSW McVey Management Solutions Austin, TX

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1 Commando Conversations: Becoming Conflict-Competent Shawn McVey, MA, MSW McVey Management Solutions Austin, TX Conflict brings out the flight-or-fight response in everyone. But once you understand the mechanics of conflict and how you can manage your own emotions before, during, and after conflict, it doesn t seem so scary. You ll learn why it s crucial to be conflictcompetent and how to build the skills you need to stay calm, cool, and collected during tough conversations. After participating in this session, you will be able to: Appreciate the importance of developing your skills in conflict competence Define the basic dynamics of conflict Identify your personal triggers and hot buttons Understand strategies to more effectively engage in conflict Avoid destructive methods of engaging in conflict What is conflict? Conflict is any situation in which people have apparently incompatible interests, goals, principles, or feelings. It is triggered by 1) precipitating events, where someone says or does something that causes us to believe that their interests, goals, principles, or feelings are incompatible with or threatening our own, and 2) hot buttons, which are situations or behaviors in others that tend to frustrate or irritate us enough to cause us to overreact. There are two type of conflict: cognitive and affective. Cognitive conflict is focused on tasks and problem-solving and based on a seemingly incompatible difference of ideas. Arguments can be spirited, but the emotional tone remains neutral or even positive. It can lead to creativity, energy, higher productivity, and strengthened relationships. Affective conflict is when you are blaming people or proving the other person is wrong. People feel threatened, and it is typically associated with negative emotional tone and ongoing tension. It can lead to poorer morale, bad decision-making, and destroyed relationships. The costs of conflict include Stress Wasted time Lowered morale Increased turnover Higher absenteeism Grievances Lawsuits Poisoned relationships Aggression Retaliation Harmed reputation Derailed careers Anger Fear Defensiveness Negativity Hurt Embarrassment The benefits of conflict include Improved communication Open information sharing Vigorous creation of ideas Higher-quality decision-making Improved working relationships Innovative solutions Less stress, more fun! 1

2 What is conflict competence? Conflict competence is the ability to develop and use cognitive, emotional, and behavioral skills that enhance productive outcomes of conflict while reducing the likelihood of escalation or harm. The 10 truths of conflict competence are 1. Conflict is inevitable and can lead to positive or negative results depending on how it is handled. 2. While people generally see conflict as negative and prefer to avoid it, better results can emerge from engaging it constructively. 3. In order to overcome reluctance to address conflict, people need to believe it is important to do so, thus recognizing the tremendous value of managing conflict effectively. 4. Individual conflict competence involves developing cognitive, emotional, and behavioral skills that enable one to cool down, slow down, and engage conflict constructively. 5. Cognitive skills include developing self-awareness about one s current attitudes and responses to conflict and an understanding of conflict s basic dynamics. 6. Emotional skills include understanding one s emotional responses to conflict, regulating those responses to attain and maintain emotional balance, understanding and responding to the emotions of one s conflict partners, and, when necessary, slowing down to allow extra time to cool down. 7. Behavioral skills include engaging constructively by understanding others perspectives, emotions, and needs; sharing one s own thoughts, feelings, and interests; collaborating to develop creative solutions to issues; and reaching out to get communications restarted when they have stalled. 8. Engaging constructively also involves reducing or eliminating the use of destructive behaviors characterized by fightor-flight responses to conflict. 9. In team settings, conflict competence includes creating the right climate to support the use of the cool down, slow down, and engage constructively model among teammates so they can have open and honest discussion of issues. Creating the right climate includes developing trust and safety, promoting collaboration, and enhancing team emotional intelligence. 10. In organizational contexts, conflict competence involves creating a culture that supports the cool down, slow down, and engage constructively model. This includes aligning mission, policies, training programs, performance standards, and reward structures to reinforce the conflict competence model. It also includes creating integrated conflictmanagement systems to support these cultural changes. How does a leader become conflict competent? A conflict-competent leader must be able to self-diagnose and have a high degree of self-awareness in order to handle personal conflicts effectively. S/he must be an expert observer of others so evidence of conflict can be spotted early. S/he must be able and willing to intervene in the discussions of, coach, and influence those who are in conflict. A conflict-competent leader has the ultimate goal to build organizational conflict competence, where all team members are self-monitoring and conflict is viewed for its strategic value. On your journey to becoming conflict competent, you will 1) develop your emotional response by building awareness of your own responses to conflict and your hot buttons/triggers, 2) develop your cognitive abilities by learning mental models and basic dynamics, and 3) develop your behavioral response by applying new skills: cool down, slow down, and engage constructively. How do you currently respond to conflict? What are your hot buttons and triggers? Hot buttons or triggers are situations or behaviors which can hold an emotional charge. Once triggered, the person will attribute negative motives to other person, overreact, and set off the retaliatory cycle. There are several types of people who may push your buttons, create an overreaction, and potentially cause conflict. Some you might recognize are those who are: unreliable, overly analytical, unappreciative, aloof, micro-managing, self-centered, abrasive, untrustworthy, or hostile. How do you regain emotional balance or cool down? Use these helpful tools: Reframe the situation, otherwise known as cognitive reappraisal. Examine the facts underlying a conflict for nonthreatening, alternative explanations. Be mindful by paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally to things as they are. Observe what you are feeling and thinking, rather than being caught up in the thoughts and feelings. Change your focus. Disrupt negative emotional reactions by breaking the mind s absorption on thoughts related to the conflict. Cultivate positive emotions. What brings you a deep sense of peace, contentment, and happiness? Use humor and laughter to foster a sense of gratitude. Think of what things inspire you and make you happy. Positive emotions have a cumulative effect, so reflect on these uplifting thoughts daily. 2

3 Build your resilience. It takes time to recover from strong negative emotions. Decrease the time it takes you to recover from emotional hijacking by building your capacity to respond effectively. Focus on core concerns. Create positive emotions by focusing on the five core relational concerns common to all people: o Appreciation: acknowledge others o Affirmation: build connections o Autonomy: right to make own decisions o Status: acknowledge skills/talents o Role: define importance of each job Show respect. Use the Canadian Human Rights Commission Model, VALUED. This stand for Validate, Ask (openended questions), Listen (to test assumptions), Uncover interests, Explore options, Decide (on solutions). Slow down. When negative emotions are aroused in conflicts, we enter a refractory period, in which emotions hold sway over our rational mind. Take a time out to allow yourself extra time to apply some cooling-down techniques. Practice using constructive language. I m upset right now and need some time to cool down so I can listen to you with the attention you deserve. This is an important issue and deserves our full attention. I need a little while to reflect on this so that I can do it justice. What are the constructive responses to conflict? Reaching out Reaching out is an overt attempt to resume communications with one s conflict partner once a conflict has arisen. Give an overt invitation. Intend to address emotional damage. Offer to take responsibility and apologize. Express interest in resolving the issue. Perspective taking Perspective taking means putting yourself in the other person's position and trying to understand that person's point of view. Listen for understanding. Focus only on the substance. Check for understanding and satisfaction. Focus on the other party s emotions. Demonstrate empathy. Expressing emotions When you express emotions, talk honestly with the other person and express your thoughts and feelings. Become aware of your own feelings. Try transparency. Own your feelings. Contrary to a common misconception, effective expression of emotions, thoughts, and interests is a sign of strength, forthrightness, and honesty. Hiding thoughts and feelings is the appearance of dishonesty, which leads to mistrust, which prolongs conflict. Creating solutions In creating solutions, you brainstorm with the other person, ask questions, and try to create solutions to the problem. Be careful not to rush to solutions too quickly, which results in agreements that only superficially address the issue or satisfy only one partner. Use in combination with adapting and reflective thinking in order to generate collaborative outcomes. Reflective thinking When you think reflectively, you analyze the situation, weigh the pros and cons, and think about the best response. Notice your own reactions and reactions of others during conflict. Be aware of the immediate and ongoing impact of the conflict on oneself and all the other parties involved. Think through alternatives to responding to the conflict. Before an impending conflict, ask yourself why you think the conflict is imminent. Is there something that can be done now to defuse the conflict? During a conflict, ask yourself if you have to respond now or if it can wait until you have time to reflect on the issues and potential solutions. Are emotions in control enough to continue conversing or do you all need some cooling-off time? Are your tone, body language, words, or stance contributing to the conflict? After a conflict, ask yourself what the primary issue was in the conflict and what alternative solutions existed. How well did you communicate during the conflict, and is there anything you wish you had done differently? Is there any follow-up you would like to initiate to reduce the impact of something you wish you hadn t said? What can you do now to try to resolve the conflict and minimize any further damage? Adapting Adapting means staying flexible and trying to make the best of the situation. Have an optimistic mindset that views conflict as an inevitable part of the workplace (and life in general). Be willing to entertain a wide variety of alternatives for resolution. Be aware of changes or opportunities that signal the potential for engaging in problem-solving and conflict resolution. Delay responding When you delay responding, you wait things out, let matters settle down, or take a "time out" when emotions are running high. Cool down to regain emotional balance. Slow down or walk away. You must be accountable and committed to come back and engage with the conflict. 3

4 What are the destructive responses to conflict? Winning at all costs If you try as hard as you can to prevail in a conflict and argue vigorously for your own position, you are engaging in winning at all costs. People who do this consistently run the risk of losing the opportunity for win-win solutions and tend to alienate the other person by appearing unreasonable and selfish. Early in the conflict, identify your fundamental goals what you really want or need. Learn the different between disposable, nonessential, and essential needs. Remind yourself that it is not me against her, but us against the problem. Look for an acceptable compromise and win-win solutions. Displaying anger Raising your voice or using harsh, angry, or aggressive words are signs of angry feelings. People who frequently display anger often escalate conflict, even causing fairly minor disagreements to become quite serious, which results in erosion of trust, teamwork, and open communication. People who display anger are also overlooked for promotions and raises because they are perceived as lacking impulse control and the skills needed to manage, motivate, and lead. Your goal is to acknowledge the anger you feel and yet express it in a non-aggressive manner. Get to know yourself and your hot buttons better. Remind yourself that you are in control, and the anger will pass. Take a private moment with JUST yourself to rant, rave, scream and otherwise express how you are feeling. Begin sentences with I statements, practice asking for a time-out, and use the delay responding technique. Demeaning others This is the most destructive of all responses to conflict because it is hard to ignore when a person indicates contempt or disrespect for us personally. Contempt includes laughing, being sarcastic, rolling your eyes, talking while other people are talking, and directing comments toward someone s personality rather than their performance. It frequently escalates conflict and almost always leads to feelings of resentment, anger and hopelessness toward the person who acts this way. Balance criticism with praise. Express appreciation for differing opinions and approaches. Attack the problem, not the person. Don't use sarcasm or cynical remarks. Ask for coaching and feedback from those you respect. Remind yourself: My goal is to inform and encourage, not hurt or demoralize. Retaliating Trying to get even, lying, one-upping, obstructing the other person, or getting revenge on him or her later is retaliation. This technique prolongs and escalates conflicts and gives the signal that you are not a team player, and that you do not accept the legitimacy of the initial outcome of the conflict. Reflect on what the cost or impact has been, both personally and professionally, as a result of your past retaliatory behaviors. Remind yourself of your personal values, and try to depersonalize the conflict. Practice openly discussing your hurt, envy, or anger. Respond positively when faced with a conflict. Be the bigger person. Make the first move to stop the conflict cycle. Turn the other cheek. Show respect for, and if necessary, forgive the other person. Avoiding You are avoiding if you are trying to keep your distance from the other person, or acting distant or aloof, or ignoring the problem all together. This technique prolongs and escalates conflict and shows that you are not a team player or a good leader. It contributes to dysfunctional culture and contributes to good people walking out the door. To tackle this problem strategy, feel the fear and take action anyway. Envision what you want and remember why taking action is necessary. Start small and then continue your progress by addressing more easily-resolved issues first, then work up to more complicated ones. Make a public commitment to take action. Yielding Giving in to the other person in order to avoid further conflict, or doing what the other person wants just to make life easier or end an argument is yielding behavior. While the conflict appears to be resolved on the surface, the underlying causes often will not be addressed, and are likely to recur. A person who frequently yields is then less effective on those occasions when it is necessary to work hard to defend one s position. Why do you yield? Remember that a productive relationship based on direct communication will benefit all concerned. Prepare for difficult conversations by planning how you can state your needs and wants. Push yourself to be the one to come up with solutions. Remind yourself to be persistent. Hiding emotions Are you concealing your true emotions about a situation from the other party? While there are times when it is helpful not to express every emotional response you have, frequently hiding your emotions becomes destructive, because it deprives the other person of useful information about how you really feel. Thus it decreases the likelihood that you will reach a truly mutually satisfactory agreement. It leads to mistrust because your verbals and non-verbals are inconsistent. Avoid one-word answers like, Fine. Use I statements and describe your emotional state. Be calm, not out of control. Practice feeling your emotions bodily and describing the experience to friends or family members you trust. Practice expressing emotions in 4

5 the mirror so you can see how your non-verbals change with each emotion. Practice explaining your emotional state in an informative and professional way that casts no blame. Remind yourself that how you feel is important to the conflict-resolution process. Self-criticizing You are self-criticizing if you are reflecting over and over on the situation and about things you wish you'd done or said and telling yourself you could have handled things better. Honest self-appraisal is good, but overly negative evaluations of self can produce negative emotions and feelings of helplessness that impair your judgment, as well as affect your behavior and health. It perpetuates conflict by continually attempting to solve it perfectly. Seek feedback from trusted co-workers and friends. Compare your self-appraisal with those offered by others. Commit to bring your self-appraisal more in line with others. Reflect: Why do you choose to beat yourself up? Which situations trigger your selfcriticisms? Avoid linking your self-image to the conflict, and quit taking it personally. I'm a work in progress, and that's enough for today. How conflict competent do you want to be? Action plan This week, I will: The outcome for me is: This month, I will: The outcome for me is: 5