Tenet Three: Companioning is about honoring the spirit; it is not about focusing on the intellect.

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1 Eleven Companioning Tenets of Companioning the Bereaved Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D., C.T., One Two Three Four Five Six Seven Eight Nine Ten Eleven Tenet One: Companioning is about being present to another person s pain; it is not about taking away the pain. Tenet Two: Companioning is about going to the wilderness of the soul with another human being; it is not about thinking you are responsible for finding the way out. Tenet Three: Companioning is about honoring the spirit; it is not about focusing on the intellect. Tenet Four: Companioning is about listening with the heart; it is not about analyzing with the head. Tenet Five: Companioning is about bearing witness to the struggles of others; it is not about judging or directing these struggles. Tenet Six: Companioning is about walking alongside; it is not about leading or being led. Tenet Seven: Companioning is about discovering the gifts of sacred silence; it does not mean filling up every moment with words. Tenet Eight: Companioning is about being still; it is not about frantic movement forward. Tenet Nine: Companioning is about respecting disorder and confusion; it is not about imposing order and logic. Tenet Ten: Companioning is about learning from others; it is not about teaching them. Tenet Eleven: Companioning is about compassionate curiosity; it is not about expertise. More details related to each tenet listed above is printed in The Handbook for Companioning the Mourner: Eleven Essential Principles by Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt P.h.D. This book can be purchased online at or by calling the Center for Loss and Life Transition at

2 T r e atm e nt vs. Companioning For Spiritual, Emotional, Existential Issues Treatment Model To return the mourner to a prior state of homeostatic balance ( old normal ). Control or stop distressful symptoms; distress is bad. Follows a perspective model where a counselor is perceived as expert. Pathology rooted in sustained relationship to dead person. Positions the griever in a passive role. Grieving person ranges from compliant to noncompliant. Quality of care judged by how well grief was managed. Denial interferes with efficient integration of the loss and must be overcome. Establish control; create strategic plan of intervention. Provide satisfactory answers for all emotional, spiritual questions and dilemmas. Companioning Model Emphasizes the transformative, life-changing experience of grief ( new normal ). Observe, watch out for, bear witness, and see value in soul-based symptoms of grief. Bereaved person guides the journey; teach me is the foundational principle. Is a normal shift from relationship of presence to relationship of memory. Recognizes the need for the mourner to actively mourn. Grieving person expresses the reality of being torn apart as best he can. Quality of care monitored by how well we allowed the griever to lead the journey. Denial helps sustain the integration of the loss from head to heart. It is matched with patience and compassion. Show up with curiosity; willingness to learn from the griever. Honor the mystery; facilitate the continuing search for meaning ; no urgency to solve or satisfy the dilemma. Excerpted from Companioning the Bereaved: A Soulful Guide for Caregivers by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

3 Grief is not an Illness Inappropriate Assumptions Surrounding Our Modern Understanding of Grief and Loss As a teenager who had come to experience my own life losses, I set out to discover the principles that help bereaved people heal in grief. I hoped to communicate those principles to anyone interested in honoring my story. To my dismay, I discovered that the majority of caregiving models for grief counselors were intertwined with the medical model of mental health care. For many caregivers, grief in contemporary society has been medicalized and perceived as if it were an illness that with proper assessment, diagnosis, and treatment can be cured. This paradigm dictates that we as caregivers, having studied and absorbed a body of knowledge and become experts, are responsible for curing our patients. How arrogant! The language we use to describe the practice of grief support exposes our attitudes and beliefs about counseling as well as determines our practices. Because numerous historical roots of psychotherapy are deeply grounded in a medical model, because the medical model appears more scientific than other alternatives, and because the economics of practice are interfaced in a healthcare delivery system, the natural tendency has been to adopt medical model language. As I explored the words used in counseling the bereaved, I was taken aback: symptoms of pathology; disorders; diagnosis and treatments. In my own search to learn so I could teach, I found that these more clinical, medical model approaches have limitations that are profound and far-reaching. I discovered that our modern understanding of grief all too often projects that for successful mourning to take place, the person must disengage from the deceased and by all means let go. We even have all sorts of books full of techniques on how to help others let go or reach closure. At bottom, I discovered that our current models desperately needed what we could refer to as a supplement of the soul. It seemed glaringly obvious to me that as fellow travelers in the journey into grief, we needed more life-giving, hope- Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D., C.T., filled models that incorporated not only the mind and body, but the soul and the spirit! I found myself resonating more with the writings of people like Ram Das, Stephen Levine, Victor Frankl, James Hillman, Thomas Moore, and Carl Jung. Actually, it was Carl Jung s writing that helped me understand that every psychological struggle is ultimately a matter of spirituality. In the end, as we as human beings mourn, we must discover meaning to go on living our tomorrows without the physical presence of someone we have loved. Death and grief are spiritual journeys of the heart and soul. Yet our modern Western culture s understanding of grief often urges mourners to deny any form of continued relationship with the person who died. For many mental health caregivers, the hallmark of so-called pathology has been rooted in terms of sustaining a relationship to the dead. In reality, the mourner actively shifts the relationship from one of presence to one of memory. Or, as the playwright Robert Anderson wisely noted, Death ends a life, it does not end a relationship. Grief is not an Illness

4 Our modern understanding of grief all too often conveys that the end result of bereavement is a series of completed tasks, extinguished pain, and the establishment of new relationships. I discovered that many mental health caregivers, in attempting to make a science of grief, had compartmentalized complex emotions with neat clinical labels. Our modern understanding of grief all too often uses a recovery or resolution definition to suggest a return to normalcy. Recovery, as understood by some mourners and caregivers alike, is erroneously seen as an absolute, a perfect state of reestablishment. We seem to want to go around any so-called negative moods and emotions quickly and efficiently. Yet it occurred to me that if our role as caregivers is to first observe the soul as it is, then we need to abolish what I call the resolution wish. Our modern understanding of grief for some is based on the model of crisis theory that purports that a person s life is in a state of homeostatic balance, then something comes along (like the death of someone loved) and knocks the person out of balance. Caregivers are taught intervention goals to reestablish the prior state of homeostasis and a return to normal functioning. There is only one major problem with this theory: it doesn t work. Why? Because a person s life is changed forever by the death of someone loved. We are transformed by grief and do not return to prior states of normal based on interventions by outside forces. Our modern understanding of grief all too often pathologizes normal experiences. Traditional psychology has focused the majority of attention on the diagnosis and treatment of pathologics and in the quest for fixes, little attention has been paid to the nature of emotional or spiritual health. As one author observed, The exclusive focus on pathology that has dominated so much of our discipline results in a model of the human being lacking the positive features that make life worth living. training and in reading the available literature on grief counseling that our modern understanding of grief all too often lacks any appreciation for and attention to the spiritual, soul-based nature of the grief journey. As authors such as Frankl, Fromm, and Jung noted years ago (and Hillmand and Moore more recently), academic psychology has been too interfaced with the natural sciences and laboratory methods of working, counting, and objective reporting. Some of us, often through no fault of our own, but perhaps by the contamination of our formal training, have overlooked the journey into grief as a soulbased journey. We need to think and reflect about grief care differently than we now do. Because while its mission in our society is certainly important, our misunderstanding of what its essence is misinforms our capacity to reflect on it wisely. Critical self-observation would suggest that perhaps we rely too much on psychosocial, biological, and psychodynamic constructs that we have been taught to treat away, such as depression, anxiety, and loss of control. In our attempt to gain scientific credibility, we may have become our own worst enemies! In our attempt to be respected as part of established mental health care, we may be disrespecting the very people who need our compassionate care. Without doubt, the grief journey requires contemplation and turning inward. In other words, it requires depression, anxiety, and loss of control. It requires going to the wilderness. Quietness and emptiness invite the heart to observe signs of sacredness, to regain purpose, to rediscover love, to renew life! Searching for meaning, reasons to get one s feet out of bed, are not the domain of the medical model of bereavement care. Experience has taught me that it is the mysterious, spiritual dimension of grief that allows us to go on living until we, too, die. Our modern understanding of grief all too often privatizes grief as an isolated, individual experience. Mourning, by nature of its definition a shared social response to loss must be viewed in the broader context of social and family perspectives. In fact, the person often perceived as not doing well in grief is usually the one who is trying to get help from the family system. In sum, I discovered in my twelve years of university-based Grief is not an Illness

5 ESSENTIAL INGREDIENTS FOR Companioning THE MOURNER Self as Instrument (Are you congruently matched to this work?) *Personality *Life Experiences *Strengths and Weaknesses + Empathetic Relationship Qualities (Are you naturally high on the core qualities/conditions of helping?) *Sensitivity and Warmth *Communication of Acceptance *Desire To Understand + Open Learner (Are you interested in the mysterious body of knowledge surrounding grief and loss?) + Counseling Skills (Are you interested in learning and practicing high-level helping skills to facilitate the six reconciliation needs of mourning?) *For Perceiving *For Understanding *For Responding *For Expressing *For Confronting + Self-Care (Are you interested in caring for yourself while, at the same time, you care for others?) See Dr. Wolfelt s book titled, Companioning You: A Soulful Guide to Caring for Yourself While You Care for the Dying and the Bereaved By Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.,

6 Understanding the Five Levels of Unconditional Love Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D., C.T., Physical level: You feel a sense of lightness, a sense of warmth and caring that is felt in the throat and chest area, particularly the area of the heart; you feel relaxed and honored to be in the presence of someone willing to allow you to honor her grief journey. Cognitive level: You are nonjudgmental and accepting of how the mourner may think differently about her grief experience than you do; you do not assess or diagnose; you seek to understand without judgment; you are welcoming and tolerant. Matthew Fox, theologian and educator, wisely observed, When we are joyous and full of heart we are emanating wisdom. Wisdom is not in the head but in the heart and gut where compassion is felt. Unconditional love is expressed through the five transpersonal levels introduced above. Once you have the courage to minister to those in grief from a place of love instead of clinical distance, you will discover your inherent passion to be a companion. Emotional level: You feel open and present to a full spectrum of emotions, whatever they might be; you are committed to consciously exploring how your own emotions are impacted as you companion your fellow human beings; you feel emotionally congruent in your helping role and may well recognize you have found your calling. Social level: You recognize that your capacity to create a sacred safe space to give attention to another s grief is at the center of the definition of mourning: the shared social response to loss ; you are humbled that people are willing to make use of your personhood in this way; you are happy to be the companion you are; you feel your heart is at home in this helping role. Spiritual level: You convey a sense of gentle, positive, creative energy anchored in compassion, meaning a willingness to suffer with ; you have a desire to give to others and walk with or break bread with them; you realize you touch at the soul level when you reach out with your heart instead of your mind; you feel a trust and optimism surrounding the mourner s capacity to bring forth grief in ways that lead to healing and wholeness.

7 The Journey Through Grief The Mourner s Six Reconciliation Needs Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D., C.T., The death of someone loved changes our lives forever. And the movement from before to after is almost always a long, painful journey. From my own experiences with loss as well as those of the thousands of grieving people I have worked with over the years, I have learned that if we are to heal we cannot skirt the outside edges of our grief. Instead, we must journey all through it, sometimes meandering the side roads, sometimes plowing directly into its raw center. I have also learned that the journey requires mourning. There is an important difference, you see. Grief is what you think and feel on the inside after someone you love dies. Mourning is the outward expression of those thoughts and feelings. To mourn is to be an active participant in our grief journey. We all grieve when someone we love dies, but if we are to heal, we must also mourn. There are six yield signs you are likely to encounter on your journey through grief what I call the reconciliation needs of mourning. For while your grief journey will be an intensely personal, unique experience, all mourners must yield to this set of basic needs if they are to heal. Need 1. Acknowledging the reality of the death. This first need of mourning involves gently confronting the reality that someone you care about will never physically come back into your life again. Whether the death was sudden or anticipated, acknowledging the full reality of the loss may occur over weeks and months. To survive, you may try to push away the reality of the death at times. You may discover yourself replaying events surrounding the death and confronting memories, both good and bad. This replay is a vital part of this need of mourning. It s as if each time you talk it out, the event is a little more real. Remember this first need of mourning, like the other five that follow, may intermittently require your attention for months. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you work on each of them. Need 2. Embracing the pain of the loss. This need of mourning requires us to embrace the pain of our loss something we naturally don t want to do. It is easier to avoid, repress, or deny the pain of grief than it is to confront it, yet it is in confronting our pain that we learn to reconcile ourselves to it. You will probably discover that you need to dose yourself in embracing your pain. In other words, you cannot (nor should you try to) overload yourself with the hurt all at one time. Sometimes you may need to distract yourself from the pain of death, while at other times you will need to create a safe place to move toward it. Unfortunately, our culture tends to encourage the denial of pain. If you openly express your feelings of grief, misinformed friends may advise you to carry on or keep your chin up. If, on the other hand, you remain strong and in control, you may be congratulated for doing well with your grief. Actually, doing well with your grief means becoming well acquainted with your pain. Need 3. Remembering the person who died. Do you have any kind of relationship with someone when they die? Of course. You have a relationship of memory. Precious memories, dreams reflecting the significance of the relationship, and objects that link you to the person who died The Journey Through Grief The Mourner s Six Reconciliation Needs

8 (such as photos, souvenirs, etc.) are examples of some of the things that give testimony to a different form of a continued relationship. This need of mourning involves allowing and encouraging yourself to pursue this relationship. But some people may try to take your memories away. Trying to be helpful, they encourage you to take down all the photos of the person who died. They tell you to keep busy or even to move out of your house. But in my experience, remembering the past makes hoping for the future possible. Your future will become open to new experiences only to the extent that you embrace the past. Need 4. Developing a new self-identity. Part of your self-identity comes from the relationships you have with other people. When someone with whom you have a relationship dies, your self-identity, or the way you see yourself, naturally changes. You may have gone from being a wife or husband to a widow or widower. You may have gone from being a parent to a bereaved parent. The way you define yourself and the way society defines you is changed. A death often requires you to take on new roles that had been filled by the person who died. After all, someone still has to take out the garbage, someone still has to buy the groceries. You confront your changed identity every time you do something that used to be done by the person who died. This can be very hard work and can leave you feeling very drained. You may occasionally feel child-like as you struggle with your changing identity. You may feel a temporarily heightened dependence on others as well as feelings of helplessness, frustration, inadequacy, and fear. Need 5. Searching for meaning. When someone you love dies, you naturally question the meaning and purpose of life. You probably will question your philosophy of life and explore religious and spiritual values as you work on this need. You may discover yourself searching for meaning in your continued living as you ask How? and Why? questions. How could God let this happen? Why did this happen now, in this way? The death reminds you of your lack of control. It can leave you feeling powerless. The person who died was a part of you. This death means you mourn a loss not only outside of yourself, but inside of yourself as well. At times, overwhelming sadness and loneliness may be your constant companions. You may feel that when this person died, part of you died with him or her. And now you are faced with finding some meaning in going on with your life even though you may often feel so empty. This death also calls for you to confront your own spirituality. You may doubt your faith and have spiritual conflicts and questions racing through your head and heart. This is normal and part of your journey toward renewed living. Need 6. Receiving ongoing support from others. The quality and quantity of understanding support you get during your grief journey will have a major influence on your capacity to heal. You cannot nor should you try to do this alone. Drawing on the experiences and encouragement of friends, fellow mourners or professional counselors is not a weakness but a healthy human need. And because mourning is a process that takes place over time, this support must be available months and even years after the death of someone in your life. Unfortunately, because our society places so much value on the ability to carry on, keep your chin up, and keep busy, many mourners are abandoned shortly after the event of the death. It s over and done with and It s time to get on with your life are the types of messages directed at mourners that still dominate. Obviously, these messages encourage you to deny or repress your grief rather than express it. To be truly helpful, the people in your support system must appreciate the impact this death has had on you. They must understand that in order to heal, you must be allowed even encouraged to mourn long after the death. And they must encourage you to see mourning not as an enemy to be vanquished but as a necessity to be experienced as a result of having loved. Reconciling Your Grief You may have heard indeed you may believe that your grief journey s end will come when you resolve, or recover from, your grief. But your journey will never end. People do not get over grief. Reconciliation is a term I find more appropriate for what occurs as the mourner works to integrate the new reality of moving forward in life without the physical presence of the person who died. With reconciliation comes a renewed sense of energy and confidence, an ability to fully acknowledge the reality of death and a capacity to become reinvolved in the activities of living. In reconciliation, the sharp, ever present pain of grief gives rise to a renewed sense of meaning and purpose. Your feelings of loss will not completely disappear, yet they will soften, and the intense pangs of grief will becomes less frequent. Hope for a continued life will emerge as you are able to make commitments to the future, realizing that the person who died will never be forgotten, yet knowing that your life can and will move forward. The Journey Through Grief The Mourner s Six Reconciliation Needs