Figuring out that other gender? Eric Bjorklund, J.D., Utah Youth Village

Transcription

1 Figuring out that other gender? Eric Bjorklund, J.D., Utah Youth Village

2 Eric s Caribbean Experience We had been married 32 years I thought I understood her I had no Idea!! We wish we had both read these books 32 years earlier. It really helped us. Maybe it will help you, too.

3 Eric had a bad case of Assuminating: Assuming that your spouse thinks the same way you do. And when they don t do what you think they should then something is wrong with them.

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6 This Workshop s Intent Understand and Love Better See each other as Unique Individuals

7 Individual Differences Within Genders are Greater Than Gender Differences

8 Trait differential between genders is smaller than the differences within genders -- We are all individuals!!

9 Male Fetus at 8 weeks Y chromosome triggers testes to release boat loads of testosterone: Doubles the parts of the brain for sex and competition, Partially destroys the brain circuits for: Empathy Emotional perception Language Causes the brain to compartmentalize and to wire more front to back than side to side mono tasking

10 Range of unattached (free) testosterone in blood Stimulates hair growth Lowers voice Increases muscle mass Male pattern baldness Stimulates interest in sex

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15 Theories on Why? For over 200,000 years, evolution changed our hunter/gatherer ancestors brains to help each gender s brain specialize in the tasks needed for survival, including reproduction. Brizendine s theory. Another view is that God created us with hunter/gatherer brains knowing of our long existence on earth as hunter/gatherers. Eric s theory. Either way, the hunter/gatherer brain worked great then but isn t necessarily a great fit in today s culture.

16 Integrated Brain Females can do a number of things at once. Talking, listening, thinking, doing... Hemispheres of Brain are very connected Female: Four-lane freeway Contrast Males: Two dirt roads crossing in the desert Every part of the female brain and every part of women s life relates to everything else.

17 Mono-Tasking Brain Male cannot technically listen, think and speak at the same time - He moves back and forth at the speed of light Mono-focus is protective strength for hunter/gather warrior/protector. When attending elsewhere, a male hears very little of what is said to him. Male brain filters out white noise and anything else that is not important. Female is always aware of white noise.

18 Hearitall

19 Emotions Integrated brain is very perceptive of others emotions Every emotion relates to every part of a woman s life Men, take note: Foreplay is the 24 hours before sex Elephant memory for good and bad emotions Strong emotions of all of life reload instantly Memory and integration maximized safety for hunter/gather female

20 Perceptive Heightened perceptiveness true in all senses. Helped hunter/gather female and her babies survive Rapport is natural to women Women readily apply learning to self

21 The Double Whammy A married woman s top need is affection -- usually the type that doesn t include sex. Most males are challenged to perceive or express affection they don t often use both hemispheres because they don t have a female brain. Tip for Women: Buy the book The Five Love Languages and read it with him Few men are as perceptive as the male lead in any Hallmark Movie. Instead of hints: Spell it out and reinforce him when he gets close.

22 Double Whammy -- Part II: Problem Solving Male brain gives almost one full second of empathy then goes to problem solving within his reality (not hers). Temporal-parietal junction (analyze-and-fix-it center) keeps him from being infected with other s emotions. Tip to Males: Ask if she wants you to listen or to try to fix the issue and then really listen.

23 It's not about the nail.

24 Literal (one hemisphere) Males quick to perceive own strengths Males are slow to apply learning to self tend to take things literally and miss the hints

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26 Connection Female brain has a circuit driving most women to be connected to other women. Basic to hunter/gatherer survival. Men: May be happy in their cave. The litmus test of this difference: Let's go to the restroom. Most women have numerous emotional confidants: Males: 50% have only one Males: 40% have two Being included is life and death as an adolescent female.

27 Getting Along Estrogen fuels the female brain circuit to get along with others Contrast: Male brain may thrive on conflict and competition -- fueled by testosterone. She is more perceptive of others needs

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29 Action/Competition At an early age males compete and continue to compete throughout life Most males are quick to forgive in this context Most males bond to others by doing. Most women bond by communication. Males can be vulnerable to video games addiction.

30 Mommy Brain Female brain shrinks 5% during pregnancy. A number of brain programs start running at birth: Baby Radar Baby Perceptiveness Obsessive irrational love: Harvard study. Nursing messes with memory/focus Depression

31 Daddy Brain Changes somewhat at pregnancy Changes more at birth: Testosterone decreases Radar programs initiate Perceptiveness programs kick in Males bond with daughters by fixing their problems or things Males bond with sons by teaching them to be tough and compete in the world.

32 Be Attractive to Men At puberty a female brain is programmed to want to be attractive to males. As teens, females get little feedback from males on what males perceive as attractive in females. Females turn to each other for this feedback. Females turn to media for feedback. The fashion industry relies on the presupposition that, As your natural self, you are not good enough. This is the initial premise for their justification that you spend $35 or $350 for their product.

33 Across 37 Cultures: What Women Seek in a Mate: Taller Older Ability to provide for her and her babies, or Has status or has the potential for status.

34 Sexual Desire At puberty, most males become obsessed with sexual pursuit and female body parts. Married males may perceive sex as acceptance Lack of sex may mean She doesn t love me. For a male, sex is not commitment. Marriage is commitment.

35 Across 37 Cultures: What Men Seek in a Mate: Physically attractive (at primal level -- not in the fashion context): Clear skin Bright eyes Full lips Shiny hair Waists 1/3 narrower than hips 2-1/2 years younger Between 20 and 40 years old

36 The Gender Disconnect Female perceives sex as commitment, attachment, a type of affection. Male thinking: This feels good. And Abigal gave everything she had To a boy who changed his mind And we both cried. Taylor Swift from the song 15

37 Why Intimacy Differences? Female: (chooser) Male: (chaser) Highly sexual or hardly sexual: both = normal. Sex is largely psychological process. It takes time. Choose to stay within her comfort zone. Everything else needs to be right in the highly integrated brain takes time to transition. Be attentive to her other important needs: Affection and Communication. Keeps her from being pregnant all the time and therefore helps her and the human race survive. Highly sexual by design. Brain design and hormone load cause obsession with reproductive parts and process Gives a female great power over him: To protect herself, and Protect her babies. Causes him to want to mate and allow for the human race to continue. Changes gradually with age.

38 Pornography/Media Male obsession with female private parts makes him vulnerable to pornography. Male physiology has no built-in protections against a naked attractive female. If his gaze lingers it will quickly trip all the switches in his neurology. Pornography categorically misrepresents female perceptions of intimacy and female desires. Causes males to have unrealistic expectations and/or develop E.D. with a live female. Causes females to feel they are betrayed in an intimate way and to mistakenly believe they are not good enough.

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40 His Needs Her Needs Author: Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. Publisher: Fleming H. Revell, a division of Baker Book House Co., 1986, st Edition

41 His Needs Her Needs Sexual Fulfillment Affection Recreational companionship Conversation She remains attractive Honesty & Openness Domestic Support Financial Support Admiration Family Commitment

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