BC Self Advocacy Foundation & BC People First. You, Me and Us: A Relationships Roundtable for Self Advocates

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Frederick Parrish
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1 BC Self Advocacy Foundation & BC People First You, Me and Us: A Relationships Roundtable for Self Advocates March 19, 2004 Supported by Funding from BCACL Pathways to Citizenship Project

2 Introduction On March 19, 2004, BC People First in partnership with the BC Self Advocacy Foundation, held a Roundtable workshop about relationships. The You, Me and Us workshop provided an opportunity for people from across BC to come together and learn from each other about relationships. All those in attendance had an interest in strengthening their own knowledge about relationships. Participants in the Roundtable discussion were adults with developmental disabilities from 6 different BC communities. Other people who attended were self advocacy advisors, and support staff. The day was facilitated by Fred Ford and Peter Bourne from Victoria, BC. The information gathered at this forum helps give BC Self Advocacy Foundation and BC People First a better understanding of what individuals feel and think about relationships. It gives us a better understanding of the types of training and education about relationships that we can develop and offer to self advocates. Many workshops are set up so that one or two experts teach things to a group. You, Me and Us worked differently: Fred and Peter shared some of their ideas; but mostly they asked questions and the group shared what they knew and believed about relationships. Everyone learned from each other, because they are all experts about their own lives and relationships. The participants who attended were great contributors to the day, and were very generous in sharing their ideas and experiences. Everyone agreed that relationships are a very important part of everyone s lives. And that opportunities to come together to talk about relationships are worth doing. We hope to have more opportunities in the future to bring groups of self advocates together to continue learning from each other about healthy relationships. Relationships are the foundation of community living! Thank You s! You, Me and Us: A Relationships Roundtable for Self Advocates would not have been possible without funding from BCACL s Pathways to Citizenship project. BCACL s Pathways Project is funded by the Office for Disability Issues at Social Development Canada (formerly Human Resources Development Canada). A very big thank you to: Fred Ford who developed and co-facilitated the session; Peter Bourne who co-facilitated the session, and opened and closed the day with music; Mary Lambert who had the original vision for the day; Arnold Bennington and Pat Feindel who took the photos in this booklet; Laney Bryenton and the Pathways Steering Committee for their ongoing support of self advocacy activities; Patti Van Pelt who worked with Mary Lambert and Lori Seay to plan the day; Bonnie Petrowsky who organized the registration, travel and a million important details; AND YOU! The people who came, participated, laughed and learned together. THANKS! What Happened at the Workshop Arnold Bennington, President of BC People First and Patti Van Pelt, President of the BC Self Advocacy Foundation welcomed everyone to the workshop. Laney Bryenton brought greetings from the BC Association for Community Living.

3 - 2 - To make the day work well for everyone, Fred asked the group to come up with rules that we all agreed to. We agreed to: Not butt in, talk over others or interrupt Make room and time for people who are shy or more quiet Not name call Be respectful Trust each other Use plain language Fred explained why People First and the Self Advocacy Foundation did this workshop: Because all people want relationships with other people For self advocates and their friends to share the important lessons we have learned about relationships Fred talked about how important relationships are in everyone s lives. Peter Bourne shared a story about a relationship that is important to him. Fred also talked about how relationships can be healthy or unhealthy. Ideas / Issues for the Workshop Fred and Peter then asked everyone what the issues/ideas about relationships that people wanted to talk about during the workshop. The issues were: Family interference in relationships How to say no even to friends Expectations in relationships Relationships with community Healthy marriages Communicating with difficult/angry people Different kinds of relationships Church as a way to meet friends How to make relationships last a long time Smothering relationships How to solve problems in relationships Standing up for your rights in relationships Forming relationships and opportunities for jobs Building trust and communication Labelling What defines a relationship Fred said that we would try to get to as many of these issues as possible. He also suggested that these ideas be used to come up with other workshops/training in the future. Fred and Peter explained that we would spend most of the day talking about 5 questions. These questions are: 1. Who do we have relationships with? 2. What makes a healthy or positive relationship? 3. What makes an unhealthy or negative relationship? 4. What kinds of thing can happen when one person has more power in a relationship? 5. Do you have the right to choose your own relationship? Even if it is unhealthy?

4 - 3 - Question 1: Who do we have relationships with? People shared the different kinds of people that we have relationships with. We also talked about the differences between the relationships we have with closer people like wives, and people who we don t know as well, like coaches at Special Olympics. Husbands/Wives/ Girlfriends/Boyfriend s Me Coaches Family Siblings Mom/Dad Cousins Customers Roommates Staff Friends Pets Co-workers We also talked about how culture can affect how people see or build relationships. We talked about how we have relationships with people from all types of backgrounds/ethno-cultural communities. Question 2: What makes relationships positive or healthy? Communication/listening skills Being understanding Respect Remaining calm/patient when disagreeing Trust Companionship Spending time together Just being there when you re needed Helping People can be their own unique selves Gives positive feedback Question 3: What makes relationships negative or unhealthy? People screaming or butting in Not staying in touch Not giving others a say Being heavy handed Using people treating you like meat! Name calling Standing people up Physical abuse (hitting, punching, kicking) Disrespecting privacy/belongings Abusing alcohol/drugs The group also talked about what to do when someone is not treating you fairly in a relationship. Many people said that you should talk to someone that you trust about what is happening. We also talked about what to do when you feel like you are in danger of being hit or touched in a way that hurts you. People said you can tell the police if this happens.

5 - 4 - Question 4: What kinds of thing can happen when one person has more power in a relationship? They can dominate you Can take things away Control you take over your life Take your money Isolate you from friends Take advantage of you sexually Question 5: Do you have the right to choose your own relationship? Even if it is unhealthy? Yes! You can learn from mistakes Being friends first can help avoid power imbalanced relationships. What we have learned about relationships Fred then asked people to share an important thing that they have learned about relationships. People said: Friends can support, inspire and help each other Family relationships are important, especially in hard times Friendships sometimes grow into love It is important to take time to learn and understand how people communicate; don t rush! Friends honour how we communicate Workers can help you make friends Staff/program people are important I consider them friends God/church community is my friend Friendship is a great way to start in building other kinds of relationships Wives/husbands can be your best friend End of the day We closed the day by looking back at the list of topics we came up with at the beginning of the day. We checked off the things we had talked about, and asked staff from BC People First and the BC Self Advocacy Foundation to make note of the rest for future training and events. Many people said that they wanted more opportunities to talk and learn about relationships. The BC Association for Community Living (BCACL) and BC People First will be offering workshops on relationships at their upcoming conferences. For information on these conferences, contact: Mary Lambert Lori Seay BC People First BC Association for Community Living Phone: Phone: mlambert@uniserve.com lseay@bcacl.org Website:

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