PAT H WAY S. A Hospice Newsletter to Help with Grief May/June The Shock of Loss

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1 Our first thought when we hear bad news is often, This can t be true. The loss of a loved one can feel as unreal as a nightmare. We wish we could wake up and be free of this unwanted reality. Almost everyone I have ever counseled in grief has described a sense of disbelief after a loss. We may know that a loved one is very ill or in the process of dying, yet the finality of death always feels sudden, shocking and unbelievable. Death is such a harsh reality to grasp. In fact, our first reaction to any traumatic event is likely to be shock and disbelief. When faced with any kind of loss death, a disturbing diagnosis, illness or accident we may feel shocked. When shocked, we walk through the first moments, hours or even weeks like sleep walkers. Experiences and conversations can be blurred or hazy. Still, people in shock often appear to be behaving normally without a lot of emotion because the news hasn t fully sunk in yet. Numbness is our natural protection when facing any kind of trauma. PAT H WAY S A Hospice Newsletter to Help with Grief May/June 2014 The Shock of Loss By Judy Tatelbaum Detached from the actuality of our loss, we may be able to function pretty well at first. This can be confusing to us and to the people around us when we expect full blown grief and suffering that we don t yet feel. In the days or weeks to come, we usually break through this numbness to feel the full extent of our grief. Once fully immersed in the grieving process, we are apt to feel intense sadness, anger, longing, loneliness, guilt, resentment or regret. Bad news hits us again especially in vulnerable times, as when we are about to fall asleep or when we first wake up. We may keep ourselves awake at night obsessing about the loss. Or some of us may awaken in the morning and then remember our loss as if for the first time; we wake up remembering the shocking news all over again. And then we grieve anew. This process of rediscovering our loss makes most of us feel a little crazy. Yet, this is how we all process grief. We may be uncomfortable, but we are not crazy. During the day, we may get involved in tasks or conversations and temporarily forget our loss. Once reminded, we are jolted again with a sense of disbelief and distress. It may just take someone simply saying, How are you? that catapults us again into remembering that something terrible has occurred. Even months later, the realization that someone we love is gone forever can come as an unwanted surprise. (Continues on page 2) Page 1

2 The Shock of Loss continued from page 1 It helps to recognize that shock is a natural part of grief that may occur many times before our loss sinks in. Even though it makes us feel off-balance, it is part of how all of us process painful experiences part of how we heal. In time, as we accept the truth of our loss, we will feel less and less shocked by it. And yet even after we survive many years without a loved one, we may have a moment of disbelief and again wonder how this could have happened. It is so hard for all of us to accept death. Most of all, we need to remember that even though the grieving process is uncomfortable and that loss itself is shocking, we can eventually accept our loss and recover. We will remember our lost loved ones forever, but we do not need to grieve their absence forever. Reprinted with permission from Journeys, a publication of the Hospice Foundation of America. NOTICE Hospice of Central New York does not discriminate on the basis of race, ethnicity, color, sexual orientation or religion. If you prefer not to receive Pathways, call COPING WITH GRIEF Support groups for adults grieving the death of a loved one Open to the community Mondays ~ May 5, May 19, June 2, June 16, June 30 No need to register; call for information Doors open at 5:45 and group starts at 6:00 Camp Healing Hearts Hospice of CNY s Camp Healing Hearts is a day camp for children who have experienced the death of a loved one or special person. Age appropriate groups provide an opportunity for children to interact with peers also dealing with grief. Children entering 1st through 6th grade in September 2014 are eligible to participate. Camp Healing Hearts is open to the community, even if your family did not have Hospice of CNY care. August 25th thru August 28th 9:00 AM to 4:00 PM YMCA Camp Iroquois, Sweet Road, Manlius, NY Activities include: art, obstacle course, music, swimming, drama, horseback riding, healing circles, boating, climbing wall and much more! Space at camp is limited. Call for a brochure and application to register or go to our web site at Page 2

3 Everyday Rituals by Kathy Haley, LCSW-R# The death of a loved one can turn our lives upside down and inside out. Rituals can provide us with a sense of connection, security and validation to those who are with us and those who have gone before us. Rituals can remind us who we are and to whom we belong. Rituals can mark a passage and create a sacred time and space: a means of confronting our loss. The everyday rituals and intimacies we may have taken for granted, like sharing a conversation over a morning cup of coffee, watching our child at play, comforting each other in silence or with a kiss or hug goodnight at the end of day may become the most important and dearly missed rituals of all. In Kaled Hosseini s novel And the Mountains Echoed a young girl tenderly tells of a special nightly ritual she shared with her father. After she had said her prayers and was tucked in bed, her father would pluck bad dreams from her head and stash them one by one, into an invisible sack...pulling the drawstring tight. He would then scour the air looking for happy dreams. She would hold her breath waiting for the moment her father s face unfurled into a smile. Then he would sing out, Ah, here is one! and rub happiness on her head. It is the absence of these everyday rituals that can disrupt and challenge life early in our grief. However, eventually the memory of these shared rituals will again comfort and affirm us. Moving? Contact the Hospice Grief Center at with your new address. MEMORY CRAFTS WORKSHOP Tuesday, May 13th 6:00 pm 8:00 pm People of all ages are invited to participate in creative arts aimed at remembering a loved one. Individuals and families are welcome. Just in time for Memorial Day! The Hospice Grief Center Hospice of Central New York provides support for Hospice families automatically for the first year following the death. Long ago, our Hospice decided to extend our program to the broader community. There is no charge for our services but we do appreciate donations. No experience necessary You are welcome to bring mementos, perhaps small photos or trinkets Joyce Nevola, LMSW Sarah Piskor, LMSW Register early please; space is limited and we need to prepare some materials in advance. Call The Hospice Grief Center at by May 7th to register. Page 3

4 MUSIC by Kathy Haley, LCSW-R# Hearing is the last sense to go. Music can: lift the spirit improve mood reflect mood entertain remind us of our loved one capture or express what we re feeling when there are no words connect us to our grief nourish comfort distract inspire to move forward transport us to a different level alleviate/soften pain Music is grace itself. It is a blessing that enters the soul. Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination and charm and gaiety to life and everything. Tony Kushner Plato With music even the bad is beautiful. 111 year old Holocaust survivor Page 4

5 HEALING HEARTS KIDS AND TEENS CORNER Basic Needs of Grieving Teens and How to Help by Sarah Piskor, LMSW (Adapted by The Dougy Center- The National Center for Grieving Children and Families) Assurances- Grieving teens want to feel certain that their parent is healthy, balanced, and in control. Parents should feel free to express emotions, but need to find adult support rather than depend on their teen. Boundaries- Young Grievers need to know that adults care enough to set loving, specific limitation of their behavior. Reasonable and consistent boundaries provide safety and support to teens during a period of disorienting change. Choices- Teens are empowered when they are given choices and options. In the face of death, they often feel powerless and out of control. Providing the teen with informed choices and accepting his or her decisions can help him or her regain a sense of balance, and show that you respect their decision making abilities. Listeners- Private grieving becomes public mourning when a teen finds an accepting listener in whom to confide. A safe listener can have a profound influence on the life of a young person who is grieving. Models- Teens watch the adults in their lives to learn how (or how not) to grieve and mourn. Adults who share their own private grieving and mourning can be constructive role models. Privacy- Much of grieving is a private process. It is helpful to remember to respect the privacy of the grieving teen. Recreation- Teen grievers need time to have fun. Either with friends or alone, recreation can be a means of grieving or can provide a much needed break from the serious work of grieving. Routines- Routines, such as regular bed times, meals and chores, provide a safe, predictable environment for teens. Routines allow teens consistency; they do not have to worry about what will happen next. Truth- Truth heals and promotes a healthy grieving process. Teens appreciate truthful disclosure about all information relating to the person who died, the circumstances and potential changes that will affect them. Page 5

6 Hospice of Central New York 990 Seventh North Street Liverpool, NY Non-Profit Org. US Postage Paid Permit No. 24 Syracuse, NY Current Resident or Location of the Hospice of Central New York Grief Center Calendar of Events Coping With Grief May 5, 2014 Memory Crafts Worshop May 13, 2014 Camp Healing Hearts Registration Starts May 1, 2014 Camp Starts Aug Space is Limited Call for further information. All events are held at Hospice of CNY (fully accessible). To check on cancellations due to weather or emergency, call x 307 two hours prior to the event. Page 6