PAT H WAY S. A Hospice Newsletter to Help with Grief March/April Signs of Recovery

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1 Just as crocuses are the first signs of spring following the bleakness and endlessness of a cold and dreary winter, there are early signs of recovery from the long and painful journey through grief. Survivors come through the grief process forever changed by their loss, but the majority does come through! It may be as hard for you to believe that now as it is for you to accept on a dark and snowy December night that there will be hillsides full of blooming azaleas in spring. Look carefully for these signs of recovery: Lessening of Pain One early indication of grief recovery is the lessening of the frequency, intensity and duration of emotional pain. Recurrent thoughts about the loved one who has died and chronic tearfulness following loss are common bereavement symptoms, but when you realize that you have had a few good days in a row, recovery has begun. When good days outnumber the bad, you are well on your way toward successfully adjusting to your loss. PAT H WAY S A Hospice Newsletter to Help with Grief March/April 2014 Signs of Recovery by Ellen S. Zinner, Psy.D. Having a 24-hour period go by without asking the why question is a positive sign for some survivors. So too is beginning to see options and possibilities for a future no longer shared with the deceased. Change in Focus As grief softens, you will find that you are able to talk about and remember the deceased with greater pleasure. Memories that once brought only pain and tears may now bring comfort and even a smile recalling your loved one s favorite TV show, ice cream flavor, or tendency to make puns. You may notice, too, that you talk more about the life of your loved one than about the relatively brief time period associated with the death. This shift in focus provides many more comforting memories than does the earlier dwelling on the details surrounding the loss. At the same time, a more balanced picture which acknowledges both the good and bad characteristics of the deceased allows us to mourn the loss of a human being and not a saint. Increased Enjoyment With movement in grief work, your genuine enjoyment of activities and people reappears. Laughter returns, uninterrupted by thoughts of guilt about living on or of pain about being left behind. Emotional energy that no longer goes directly into the early phases of grief work can be invested in new activities or reinvested in old pastimes and relationships. The process of re-owning taking back hobbies, vacation spots and restaurants once shared and, following the death, given up is an important one in grief recovery. Role of Comforter Spring Come Soon Finally, a real litmus test for grief recovery is the ability to encounter grief and pain (Continues on page 2) Page 1

2 Signs of Recovery continued from page 1 in others with compassion and empathy, and without your own grief being rekindled. Are you able to help others in grief without becoming overwhelmed by your own losses? If the answer is yes, then you have done well in wringing out of your own experience the ability to offer genuine comfort to others. Seasons come and go, but our losses remain with us. Recovery does not mean forgetting or going on as if wholly cured. It does mean that the acute pain engendered by the loss is now a bearable ache and that our commitment to go on despite significant loss in our life will bear the fruit of love and laughter once more. Moving? Contact the Hospice Grief Center at with your new address. Reprinted with permission from Journeys, a publication of the Hospice Foundation of America. GRIEF COUNSELING SUPPORT Professional bereavement counselors are available by appointment: Adults Children Families I learned by going where I have to go. Theodore Roethke Call to request services. COPING WITH GRIEF The first of several single session groups for adults. Monday, April 21st, 6:00-7:00 No need to register; call for information Doors open at 5:45 and group starts at 6:00 NOTICE Hospice of Central New York does not discriminate on the basis of race, ethnicity, color, sexual orientation or religion. If you prefer not to receive Pathways, call Page 2

3 Why Talk About Grief? by Susan Bachorik, MA There are times when we need to lean on others. When we do not have all the answers and when we are so overwhelmed, we do not have the ability to think clearly. Think of any hard experience in your life and recall how you made it through. Did you do it alone? If so, did you wish you had someone who could understand what you were going through and be able to help you? Are you experiencing numbness, shock or difficulty accepting the loss and questioning what to do? Consider the importance of: Understanding your grief responses Feeling safe to express your emotions Validating how you are feeling ( feel like I am going crazy ) Doing this in an empathic, supportive environment Accessing resources and facilitating problem-solving Your journey of grief needs to be taken with others. Lean on those that offer you their help. You may want to seek out support from a Hospice Grief Counselor who will be able to offer their expertise in supporting you through this difficult time. Comfort comes from knowing that people have made the same journey. And solace comes from understanding how others have learned to sing again... Helen Steiner Rice PARENTS GRIEF SUPPORT GROUP For those who have experienced the death of a child of any age. The Hospice Grief Center Hospice of Central New York provides support for Hospice families automatically for the first year following the death. Long ago, our Hospice decided to extend our program to the broader community. There is no charge for our services but we do appreciate donations. Six Tuesdays March 4-April 8 5:30-6:45 Kathy Haley, LCSW-R# To register, call by February 25th Doors open at 5:15 and group starts at 5:30 Page 3

4 ADULT GRIEF SUPPORT GROUP For those who have experienced the death of a loved one 6 Mondays, March 10-April 14 2:00-3:15 Kris Best, Ph.D. To register, call by March 4th Doors open at 1:45 and group starts at 2:00 ADULT GRIEF SUPPORT GROUP For those who have experienced the death of a loved one Six Tuesdays, March 4-April 8 5:30-6:45 Sue Bachorik, MA To register, call by February 26th Doors open at 5:15 and group starts at 5:30 Remembering Well - Continuing Bonds by Kathy Haley, LCSW-R# Grief transforms us. We will never be the same after the death of a loved one. We can seek a new connection with our loved one, not restricted by our physical selves. We may recall certain words or favorite phrases, stories, humor, fun times and daily rituals that gave meaning and enriched our lives. In Rudolfo Anaya s novel, Bless Me Ultima, Ultima, a curandera-one who cures with herbs and magic- comes to stay with 6 year old Antonio s family. Through the story, Antonio comes to love Ultima, from whom he has learned much about the mystery of life and its meaning. As Ultima lay dying and Antonio is questioning why she has to leave, she tells him: I bless you in the name of all that is good and strong and beautiful, Antonio. Always have the strength to live. Love life, and if despair enters your heart, look for me in the evenings when the wind is gentle and the owls sing in the hills. I shall be with you. Our loved ones will always be with us, not in the physical form we yearn for, but still they are with us. What is their legacy? What meaning did they bring to our lives? What qualities, stories, and ways they lived their lives do we want to remember and honor? What do you carry forward of them in living our lives well? What will you/are you doing with your precious life? Do little things every day with a big heart. Pope Francis Be happy. It s the only way of being wise. Colette They only stepped back in order to leap further. Montaigne Page 4

5 HEALING HEARTS KIDS AND TEENS CORNER Creating a Memory Box by Amy VanDusen, LMSW A memory box is a container that represents or contains memories of a loved one. There is no right or wrong way of creating one. What is important is the process of creating and using it. What to include? Anything that holds significance and has a personal story attached to it. Photos of you and your loved one. This provides an important visual reminder of your loved one. Mementos: tickets from places visited together, cards, feathers found on a special walk, shells from a beach holiday, certificates and anything else that has a special, personal significance (Objects can be labeled to prompt stories that hold meaning to you) o A bottle of aftershave or perfume that the person used can be included. A child can be encouraged to spray it on a soft toy or even themselves. Our sense of smell is one of the most powerful ways to access memories, so this can evoke strong feelings of connections with their loved one when apart. New Memories that you would have wanted to share with your loved one-an academic report they would be proud of, a picture of the 5K you, your child, or family participated in, a memento of a special place visited, etc. The memory box can serve as a vessel to hold memories of how you continue to honor your loved one. Creating and looking through a memory box can help by bringing to mind the different aspects of the person who died who they were, what they did or did not like, what they were good or not so good at, as well as the things that were important to them. Sometimes, the greatest gift of all is the gift of memories they last forever. HELPING HANDS HEALING HEARTS Children in grades kindergarten to 6th grade who are grieving the death of a special person are welcome Six Tuesdays March 4-April 8 5:30-6:45 Sarah Piskor, LMSW and Michael Close, LMSW Registration required; call by February 26th Doors open at 5:15 and group starts at 5:30 Parents and guardians may want to register for the Adult Grief Support Group being offered at the same time. Page 5

6 Hospice of Central New York 990 Seventh North Street Liverpool, NY Non-Profit Org. US Postage Paid Permit No. 24 Syracuse, NY Current Resident or Location of the Hospice of Central New York Grief Center Calendar of Events Adult Grief Support Group (eves) Parent Grief Support Group Helping Hands Healing Hearts All Above March 4-April 8 Adult Grief Support Group (days) March 10-April 14 Coping With Grief April 21 Service of Remembrance April 27 Call for further information. All events are held at Hospice of CNY (fully accessible). To check on cancellations due to weather or emergency, call x 307 two hours prior to the event. Page 6