PATHWAYS TO HEALING. Dealing with Our Fears Joyce Nevola, LMSW, Bereavement Counselor. A newsletter to aid in bereavement

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1 PATHWAYS TO HEALING A newsletter to aid in bereavement September/October 2015 Dealing with Our Fears Joyce Nevola, LMSW, Bereavement Counselor HOSPICE OF CENTRAL NEW YORK Here are some suggestions to cope with fear after the death of a loved one: The heralding of Autumn is flickered in sparks of change, the end of an all too brief summer season, the eruption of harvest time, and the threat of another cold, dark winter in the lurking. Department stores are flooded with visions of Halloween ghosts, goblins, zombies, vampires, and other scary creatures. The lives of the dead and of the living co-mingle on October 31st. Billboards advertise haunted houses and fright nights echoing screams of dread. All of us deal with fears throughout our lives. Fear is a warning of impending danger and a normal reaction to circumstances of stress. It sets off a chain reaction in the brain which culminates in a release of chemicals that causes rapid breathing, a racing heart, energized muscles, and a fight-or-flight response. Fear plays a major part of adapting to the loss of a loved one. Research has noted that, approximately, 40% of bereaved people will experience some type of anxiety disorder in the first year after the death of a loved one. We may fear what life will be like for us now. We may be terrified to cope with intense sadness. We may be afraid of the stark silence when we return home from work or activities. We may fret about how we are going to continue our regular routines when we are plagued with listlessness, apathy, and fatigue. We may be frightened by the prospect of lingering loneliness. We may dread no longer being special to someone, no longer being anyone s priority, and no longer having someone to witness our everyday life. We may fear the notion of being orphaned. We may feel uncertain about how to handle practical matters such as finances, housing, raising our children alone, cooking our own meals, going back to work when our heart is so heavy-laden. We may be frightened with the prospect of our own mortality. We may just feel afraid without knowing why. Make a FEAR LIST. Fears can become less worrisome on paper. Read your Fear List out loud, suspending any judgment. Talk about your fears to a family member or friend. Put your fear list in a box or envelope and put it away. When you are ready, take out your Fear List and choose one fear. Allow yourself to feel that fear, permitting your body to have its reaction. Listen to your self-talk about that fear. Reverse the language of fear. Instead of saying I am afraid, say, I am experiencing fear at this time. Tame your fear by exploring practical ways to manage it, such as getting a financial advisor, joining a support group, reading grief literature. Use positive affirmations like: I am able to conquer my fear. Distance yourself from your fear. Put it back in your box and envelope. Practice COURAGE! Come to know the strength that is already within you. Remember that the Hospice Grief Center is here to support you in every phase of your grief journey with individual and/or group support. Call us at (315) Page 1

2 The Myth of Closure Reprinted with permission from Journeys, a publication of the Hospice Foundation of America CLOSURE.what an odd concept. Can we truly close the door on pain turn the lock and throw away the key. Closure is not a concept to use for the feelings we have for the people we love. We cannot close the door on the past as if it did not exist because after losing someone dear to us, we never forget that person or the love we shared. And we never get over the loss. We learn to live with the loss and to find an enduring connection with the deceased in the midst of embarking on a new life. The reason we long for closure, of course, is because we would like to neatly seal away all of this pain. We would like to close all of the sad, confused, desperate, angry feelings out of our life. We would like to put all of this behind us. Some grievers hope that the desired magical closure will occur after the funeral or memorial service. Others are confident it will come once they have cleared out their loved one s room or maybe after the first anniversary. Surely then, we think we will have closure. Imagine if we really could end this chapter of our life completely. It would mean losing our memories, our connections to those we love. If we really found closure, it would ironically hurt even more because the attachment would be severed. This attachment is vital to us because it connects us to the memories we treasure to be held close, not closed out. Perhaps it is better to think in terms of healing. Yes, we can process our pain. Yes, we can find ways to move forward and channel our pain into productive activities. Yes, we can even learn to smile again and laugh again and love again. Let s not ever think that we ll close the door completely on what loss means, for if we did that, we would unwittingly close the door on all the love that we shared. That would truly be a loss too terrible to bear. A Service of Remembrance Remembering those who died and healing for those who grieve DATE: Sunday, October 25, 2015 TIME:1:30 2:30 PM LOCATION: First United Methodist Church, Liverpool (church with the purple doors) There will be a slide presentation during our service. You will be invited to send in a photo of your loved one. Invitations will be mailed or you can call Hospice for more information at Page 2

3 ADULT GRIEF SUPPORT GROUP FALL 2015 (For those who have experienced the death of a loved one (open to the community) Six Monday Evenings September 14th October 19th 6:00 7:15 pm Facilitated by Joyce Nevola, LMSW-Bereavement Counselor To register, call by September 10th Hospice of Central New York 990 Seventh North St, Liverpool(Panasci Community Entrance) Doors 5:45 and group starts at 6:00 The Hospice Grief Center Hospice of Central New York provides support for Hospice families for 13 months following the death of their loved one. There is no charge for our services. Community members are welcome to attend workshops and drop-in groups at no charge. Donations are appreciated for community members requesting individual counseling. Our dead are never dead to us, until we have forgotten them. George Eliot Page 3

4 Changes Just as when the waves Lash at the shore, The rocks suffer no damage But are sculpted And eroded Into beautiful shapes, So our characters can be molded And our rough edges Worn smooth By changes. Sogyal Rimpoche The Weeping Yogi The Weeping Yogi serves as a visual meditation for anyone who is suffering. Called weeping or grieving yogis, they are hand carved as part of an ancient Hindu tradition in Bali. The Balinese, who are known for their joyful and gentle spirit, believe that sharing their sorrows lessens the load and sharing their joys makes them grow. So they share feelings of sadness with the weeping yogis and share their joys with each other. Page 4

5 HEALING HEARTS KIDS AND TEENS CORNER Creative Ways for Kids to Channel Grief Parents or supportive adults can work with their children on the following activities in an effort to help them cope with their grief. Acrostic Poem Have your child write the name or nickname of their deceased loved one vertically on a piece of paper. With each letter of the name, ask them to write something they remember about their loved one for each letter. It could be a characteristic about their loved one, a memory, or an activity they did together. This can be a keepsake for the child to have to remember their loved one. Example: Grandma was silly. Rarely forgot my games or special days at school. Ice cream was her favorite food. Enjoyed having fun with me. Flowers were all over her house. Recipe for Healing Brainstorm ideas with your child about thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that could help them heal from their grief. They will want to create ingredients (for example: Hugs, Kisses, journaling, fun activities). Write a recipe on piece of paper that will help provide direction with the child s coping. Sending Messages Sending a message to their loved one can help children communicate their feelings about their loved one and how they feel after they have died. Ways to send a message could include: *a message in a bottle in a body of water * plant a small tree and hang paper message ornaments (created by child) * blowing bubbles with your child and sending a special message Children s Grief Group Hospice Grief Center September 29th- November 3rd 6 Tuesday Evenings (5:30-6:30pm) Ages 6 to 11 years old Please register by September 24th Call ext. 211 Page 5

6 Hospice of Central New York 990 Seventh North Street Liverpool, NY Non-Profit Org. US Postage Paid Permit No. 24 Syracuse, NY Current Resident or Calendar of Events Adult Grief Support Group Sept Oct. 19 NOTICE Hospice of Central New York does not discriminate on the basis of race, ethnicity, color, sexual orientation or religion. If you prefer not to receive Pathways, call Service of Remembrance Oct. 25 Helping Hands Healing Hearts Sept Nov. 3 Articles Inside Dealing With Our Fears The Myth of Closure Creative Ways For Kids To Channel Grief All events held at Hospice of CNY are fully accessible. To check on cancellations due to weather or emergency, call x 307 two hours prior to the event. Page 6