Summer Grief. By Joyce Nevola, LMSW Bereavement Counselor

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Thoughts of sleeping in, leaving stress behind, playing outdoors, and daydreaming of summers past lift our spirits and spark our anticipation.

1 A newsletter to aid in bereavement July/August 2015 PATHWAYS TO HEALING Summer Grief By Joyce Nevola, LMSW Bereavement Counselor A summer in Syracuse, New York echoes etchings of sun-glistened lakes, playful picnicking parks, adventuresome hiking trails, and festival gatherings. Thoughts of sleeping in, leaving stress behind, playing outdoors, and daydreaming of summers past lift our spirits and spark our anticipation. Each year, The Great New York State Fair calls us to taste the freeing flavor of childlike play. Nearby vacation destinations like the Adirondacks, Finger Lakes, and Thousand Islands beckon us to rekindle happy times shared with family and friends as the days grow longer and the sun blesses us with welcomed warmth. HOSPICE OF CENTRAL NEW YORK For those of us who are grieving the loss of a loved one, however, everything previously enjoyed about summer may be very different this year. Some may find it difficult to cope with grief s heartache when everyone else seems to be having fun. Others may thrive on the high and often unreal expectation that getting away with family and friends may easily erase the pain. Some may set out to rekindle cherished memories of a loved one s presence only to discover the agony of absence. Others may lack the energy and enthusiasm to plan all the details of a vacation and may be too stressed to go anywhere. Some may find a summer getaway a rejuvenating break but are dreading the stark reality of returning home alone. Others may feel that that the ache of autumn s letting go and the harshness of a cold, dreary winter may more easily resonate with their mood. Here are some suggestions to help anyone who is struggling with grief this summer: Instead of planning a week full of activities, take small steps and enjoy a day or two at a time with breaks in between. Remember, grief depletes your energy. Soak in the gift of the present moment and be mindful of simple pleasures that already surround you. Grief draws you back into yesterday. Try to be open to now. Invite someone who understands and validates your feelings to share your summer journey. Grief can make you feel emotionally abandoned, at times. Reach out to others. Spend time with nature and allow a pretty flower, a beautiful sunset, or a walk at a lakefront to bring you comfort. Grief can be harsh and barren. Focus on life, if only for a moment. Honor your loved one by celebrating memories of times shared and plan a favorite activity which you enjoyed together. Grief can intensify absence. Find new ways to be present. Pamper yourself with a spa treatment, a good book, a long nap, or do nothing at all. Instead of having grief consume you, allow it to walk beside you. Contact us at The Hospice Grief Center. We offer compassionate support through individual counseling and drop-in summer support groups. We are just a phone call away. Page 1

2 Coping With Grief (Support groups for adults grieving the death of a loved one) ******************************************************************************** The Hospice Bereavement Team offers to Hospice families and the community an opportunity to come together to talk about their loss and their on-going grief. During the month of July, we offer drop-in groups. These groups are open to anyone who has experienced a loss and would like information, support and a perspective on different types of grief-coping strategies. You do not need to register for these groups, but please show up on time. The topics of discussion for the upcoming series are: July 13th: July 27th: Grief Survival Skills Dispelling the Myths of Grief **************************************************************************************************** TIME: 6:00-7:00 PM WHERE: The Grief Hospice CNY 990 Seventh North Street, Liverpool by Ruth Colvin Attend one, some or all. No registration is required. Groups meet in the Solace Room For information, please call x208 Little Things Trigger Memories The Two Rings It s the little things that trigger memories, sometimes bringing tears, yet again bringing smiles. I lost my husband, Bob, less than a year ago, and I m working hard to adjust to this new life without him a real challenge. I ve found memories supported by real tangible objects or specific experiences do help me move on to the next part of life s journey. For everything there is a season a time to weep and a time to laugh. (Ecclesiastes 3:1-4) May I share my story of The Two Rings? Bob and I had a tradition on each wedding anniversary we d renew our vows and exchange rings again. Yes, we were romantics. Two years ago when Bob was in rehab after a bout with the flu, he had lost weight and his wedding ring had somehow slipped off his finger and was gone. It didn t bother us until just before our anniversary when we both knew how important to us was our exchange of rings and vows. So we decided to purchase a duplicate gold band ring, even had it engraved as in the original... a happy and meaningful anniversary! A year later our daughter found the lost ring in the crevice of the car seat, a little miracle. Bob now had two wedding rings, and he wore them both with great pride on the third and fourth fingers of his left hand. Just before he died, he reminded me to take his wedding rings off. I did putting them both on the third finger of my left hand, next to my own wedding ring. I ll wear them both all my life, reminding me that Bob is always with me in spirit. (Continued on page 3) Page 2

3 Little Things Trigger Memories The Two Rings continued from page 2 We all have choices. I could have chosen to let Bob s wedding rings bring sad thoughts, but I ve chosen to let Bob s two wedding rings bring a smile to my face, to share our love story with others. I hope it will bring back happy thoughts, my readers, of your happy days with your loved one. It s not easy to lose a loved one, especially after 73 years in a happy marriage. But I found a way to keep my and my husband Bob s connectedness alive, for we did have little secret ways of connecting. In church when we stood or sat, singing favorite hymns or praying together, Bob would reach toward me and I d reach toward him and we d connect, clasping our little fingers together. It just reminded us of our love for each other and our connectedness. After Bob passed, I was standing alone in church (well not quite alone, for there were always friends) as we sang a favorite hymn. I started to reach to my right, then hesitated knowing Bob wasn t there, and the tears flowed. I recovered and I clasped the little finger of my right hand with the little finger of my left hand, a reminder that Bob is always with me in spirit. One never knows when or where comfort will come. Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted. (Matthew 5:4) Little did I know that our secret clasped fingers would be my comfort. I ll continue to clasp my own little finger for it helps me move onward as Bob wanted me to do. Each of us has private memories of special times with our loved ones. I hope sharing Bob s and my special togetherness will help someone else find and share their meaningful times with their loved one. Sharing gives support and love. Ruth Colvin is the founder of the non-profit organization Literacy Volunteers of America, now called ProLiteracy Worldwide in Syracuse. Robert Colvin was a Hospice patient in The Hospice Grief Center Hospice of Central New York provides support for Hospice families for 13 months following the death of their loved one. There is no charge for our services. Community members are welcome to attend workshops and drop-in groups at no charge. Donations are appreciated for community members requesting individual counseling. You never know what you have till you ve lost it. -Alyson Noel, Evermore Page 3

CAMP HEALING HEARTS There may be some openings left for our day camp that runs August 24th-27th from 9am to 4pm. Camp takes place at Camp Iroquois in Manlius, NY.

4 CAMP HEALING HEARTS There may be some openings left for our day camp that runs August 24th-27th from 9am to 4pm. Camp takes place at Camp Iroquois in Manlius, NY. The age range is for children entering grades one through six as of September Please call Sarah Piskor-Griffin x211 to register, or for more information. Think summer...think Camp But I Don t Know What to Say... By Susan Bachorik, MA, Bereavement Counselor Words fail most of us when someone we have known and loved has died. But beyond hugs, words are what we have left. Strange as it sounds, the terminal diagnosis is often the easy part. After the diagnosis comes breaking the news to friends and family and dealing with colleagues and neighbors. Also, we need to find new ways to speak about the unspeakable. Don t let a concern for saying the wrong thing keep you away from a friend or loved one who has lost a loved one. The best solution can often be to say nothing at all, simply to be present. One man said he uses this effective greeting, pausing quietly between phrases: How are you doing physically? How are you doing emotionally? How are you doing spiritually? With casual friends, neighbors and colleagues, questions sincerely meant and sincerely asked, are often welcomed and useful. The traditional How are you? can evoke the traditional Fine and end the exchange, which is sometimes all that s intended. But a thoughtful question Do you want to talk about. or Will you help me find a way to be useful to you? can establish a small connection on which other connections can be built. When family and friends do try to reach out, don t close the door. You may not be ready for their help when they offer, so instead suggest to them another day and time that would work for you. You need the help and support, so do not turn down their invitation to be there for you. Simple expressions of concern are what most of us, living or dying, welcome, especially if the expression of concern comes from a good listener, a good doer or a good distractor. We need all of these people to help us with the grieving process. Page 4

5 HEALING HEARTS KIDS AND TEENS CORNER Our Grief Survivor s Kit (Things we need when someone we love dies.) Hershey Hug (We need hugs) Hershey Kiss (We need kisses) Rubber Band (We need to be flexible to bounce back) Punching Balloon (We need to release anger) Eraser (We need to forgive mistakes) Tissues (We need to let the tears fall) Lifesavers (We need to reach out for help) Silly Glasses (We need to laugh and have a sense of humor) Hearts (We need to hold our memories close) Star (We need to stay connected to those we love even when we can t see them) Page 5

Hospice of Central New York 990 Seventh North Street Liverpool, NY 13088 Non-Profit Org. US Postage Paid Permit No.

6 Hospice of Central New York 990 Seventh North Street Liverpool, NY Non-Profit Org. US Postage Paid Permit No. 24 Syracuse, NY Current Resident or Calendar of Events July 13 & July 27th: Coping with Grief NOTICE Hospice of Central New York does not discriminate on the basis of race, ethnicity, color, sexual orientation or religion. If you prefer not to receive Pathways, call Aug 24- Aug 27: Camp Healing Hearts Articles Inside Summer Grief But I Don t Know What To Say Grief Survival Kit All events held at Hospice of CNY are fully accessible. To check on cancellations due to weather or emergency, call x 307 two hours prior to the event. Page 6

Facing the Feelings of Emotional Abandonment Where Have All the Flowers Gone? By Joyce Nevola, LMSW Bereavement Counselor

A newsletter to aid in bereavement May/June 2015 PATHWAYS TO HEALING HOSPICE OF CENTRAL NEW YORK www.hospicecny.org Facing the Feelings of Emotional Abandonment Where Have All the Flowers Gone? By Joyce