Surfing the Waves of Sorrow How to Handle Outbursts of Grief By Joyce Nevola, LMSW, Bereavement Counselor

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1 PATHWAYS A newsletter to aid in bereavement Created by: Hospice of Central New York & Hospice of the Finger Lakes Surfing the Waves of Sorrow How to Handle Outbursts of Grief By Joyce Nevola, LMSW, Bereavement Counselor TO HEALING March/April 2016 The sounds, sensations, and sights of ocean waters caress the shore with gentle shimmers of sparkling sun or abruptly crash with a furious rage. Gentle movements of ebb and flow can turn rough at any time and shake our sense of safety and predictability. Frantic fears of drowning temporarily flood our being until, without a moment s notice, the motion of a soothing ocean spray reaches the shore once more. After our loved ones die, there is a hole in our heart that no one can fill. This hole becomes a part of our beings and will never completely go away. We ache for their presence, their companionship, and for the life and love once shared. Many people describe their grief as coming over them in waves. The pain of profound sorrow can come over us at any time - weeks, months, and, even, years later and can be just as intense as if the death occurred yesterday. Temporary upsurges of grief seemingly come from nowhere and the next thing we know is that we are dissolved in tears. We can almost always count on this happening at the wrong times. We can be driving alone in a car, noticing a particular fragrance, seeing a favorite cereal at the supermarket, hearing a special song in church, buying or selling a truck. It can happen when we receive a call from a doctor about scheduling a check-up or while filling out a form on marital status and writing down widowed for the first time or when we receive belated sympathy cards in the mail. Many times, there is no trigger or reason at all. Certain grief attacks are more predictable and we have brief moments to prepare. Reading an autopsy report, seeing the grave marker, celebrating birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries are times when we feel more vulnerable and raw with our emotions. What can help us through these temporary surges of grief? Realizing that grief attacks are normal and expected and are not over-reactions can validate our experience of them. We are not going crazy or losing it, although it may feel like we are. Acknowledging and giving expression to our feelings can embrace and enhance the special connection we have with our loved one and foster continuing bonds. Outbursts can be reframed as rituals of remembrance in which we can carry our loved ones in our hearts and incorporate them into our daily living. Call us at the Grief Center for support and understanding. We are here for you as you continue your grief journey. Page 1

2 Guilt and Regrets By Michelle Gladu, LMSW, Bereavement Counselor One thing many people who have experienced the death of a loved one have in common is feelings of regret or guilt. These feelings can involve the unfinished business that can accumulate in any long-term relationship, but many times the most acute feelings center around the end of life especially with caregiving if our loved one had been ill. Caregivers can be haunted by thoughts such as Should I have told my husband he was dying? or If only we hadn t given her that last dose of medication. Words spoken when we are exhausted or frustrated can play over and over again in our heads, preventing us from finding the peace of mind we need. Others who have experienced a loss may wish they had spent more time with their loved one when they were alive, or regret they weren t with them when they died. Grief researcher Therese Rando also points out guilt may arise from other emotions. Guilt over lingering feelings of anger or resentment one might harbor toward a loved one, or perhaps guilt over feeling relieved that person s struggle is over and caregiving has ended. The death of someone we care about can make us feel very helpless. It can seem impossible to ever do enough, or be able to say the right things. Taking on a sense of responsibility or control where there may not have been any can be one way to cope with our grief, but it can also hold us back. As one former Hospice bereavement counselor said It would be nice if we could love someone to wellness, but we re simply not that powerful. Hindsight, as the saying goes, is always 20/20. When we look back at what happened in its entirety it is easier to see where we might have done things differently. When we are in the midst of it however, knowing only what we know at the time, it s harder to see clearly. But feelings of guilt and regret are not usually easily dismissed/resolved, and we may believe now that the loved one is gone we have lost the chance forever to make things right. Realizing we did the best we could at the time can take time. Mary E. Johnson, chaplain at the Mayo Clinic, says feeling guilt in the wake of a loss allows us to take an inventory of ourselves. Some suggestions: Try making a list of the things you feel you did or did not do, or said or did not say, that you feel were harmful. Be specific. Try writing a letter to your loved one detailing what you wish could have been different. Reflect on what we have learned and how we have changed or grown as a person from this experience. Will this experience change how you live your life going forward and your relationships with others? Try asking for forgiveness from your loved one, either out loud or in writing. Try to imagine their response to you. Individual counseling or attending a support group can help us put our thoughts and feelings in perspective and listening to other group members can help us find new ways of coping. As author Jerry Sittser states We cannot change the situation, but we can allow the situation to change us. Page 2

3 Reminders The Hospice Grief Center Hospice of Central New York provides support for Hospice families for 13 months following the death of their loved one. There is no charge for our services. Community members are welcome to attend workshops and drop-in groups at no charge. Donations are appreciated for community members requesting individual counseling. Hospice of CNY UPCOMING GROUPS Attending a support group with others who are suffering a similar loss and having similar reactions to the loss may help you process your feelings about your loss. It is important to talk to someone who understands grief and is willing to support you through this difficult time. SPRING ADULT GRIEF SUPPORT GROUP For those who have experienced the death of a loved one (open to the community) Six Thursday Evenings April 7th May 12th 6:00 7:15 pm Facilitated by Michelle Gladu, LMSW-Bereavement Counselor To register, call by April 4th 2016 Use the Panasci Community Entrance at the REAR of the building To check for any Program or Group cancellation due to weather or emergency, call X 307 Hospice of CNY SPOUSAL/PARTNER LOSS GROUP Open to the community How do I exist in a world without my soulmate? Will the pain ever go away? How do I move forward? We will explore these issues and find ways to replace pain with hope TUESDAY AFTERNOONS March 29 th May 24 th :00-5:15 pm (Solace Hospice) Call x208 by March 18 to register Hospice of Central NY 990 7th North St Liverpool, NY (handicap accessible) ********Use the Panasci door entrance******** MOVING? Call Hospice of CNY at to update your contact information. Page 3

4 Dear Friends, Winter has been unpredictable this year. Some days, the weather has been so mild that all we needed was a sweater and hat to walk outside. On other days, the weather brought us back to reality with wind chills that sent the temperature below zero. We had to bundle up in layers to keep warm. Grief can act just like the weather. There are some days when we are feeling normal going about our daily activities without any disturbances. It seems that we are working through our feelings of grief and loss without any setbacks or interruptions. We then experience a complete reversal. Unexpectedly, a wave of emotion overwhelms us sending us right back to week one of our grief journey. We feel that all the ground we gained was lost in one brief, but incredibly strong, episode. For times when the grief hits us with brute force, there are places we can go to assist us in our grief journey. Hospice of the Finger Lakes is offering a four (4) week bereavement support group, for individuals who need just a little extra support in dealing with the feelings of grief and loss. Details for the support group are as follows: Hospice of the Finger Lakes Bereavement Support Group Hospice of the Finger Lakes is sponsoring a Bereavement Support Group, beginning on Thursday, March 3, 2016, from 3:00 PM to 4:30 PM., and continues on the following three (3) Thursdays (March 10, 17, & 24). This four (4) week support group will discuss the topic of Grief and Loss, allow individuals to voice their stories, explore ways to address these emotions, and offer suggestions on how to work through the grief and loss that everyone experiences with the death of a loved one. The Support Group is free and open to the public. For more information, please contact Hospice of the Finger Lakes at Kenneth Doka, a leading expert on grief counseling, identifies grief as a reaction to loss. He reports that whenever we experience an attachment and we experience loss in that attachment, grief becomes the natural way we respond to that. Joy and grief walk together hand in hand, each celebrating the beauty, the reality, and the necessity of the other. Angus McDonald GRIEVE NOT What though the radiance which was once so bright Be now for ever taken from my sight, Though nothing can bring back the hour Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower; We will grieve not, rather find Strength in what remains behind; In the primal sympathy Which having been must ever be; In the soothing thoughts that spring Out of human suffering; In the faith that looks through death, In years that bring the philosophic mind. ~ William Wordsworth Page 4

5 Healing Hearts Kids and Teens Corner The snowy and cold weather is almost over! It s time to think about sunshine and the summer upon us. When planning for summer, think of Camp Healing Hearts!!! This is a special day camp designed to help and support grieving children. We have fun with boating, swimming, art and crafts, and horses. We also have time for healing through connection in healing circles. Age/ Grade Range: Going into grades 1 through 6 as of September When: August 22-25, 2016 (8 am - 4 pm each day) Where: Camp Iroquois, Manlius, NY What s involved: FUN FUN and healing!! How: Get your application online starting March 1st and send it in! Questions: Call the Hospice Grief Center at Children s Grief Group 2016 Hospice Grief Center March 15th - April 19th Tuesday Evenings (5:30-6:30pm) Ages 6 to 11 years old Please register by March 11th by calling Page 5

6 Hospice of Central New York 990 Seventh North Street Liverpool, NY Non-Profit Org. US Postage Paid Permit No. 24 Syracuse, NY Current Resident or Spring 2016 Calendar of Events Spousal /Partner Loss Group - March 29 -May 24 NOTICE Hospice of Central New York does not discriminate on the basis of race, ethnicity, color, sexual orientation or religion. If you prefer not to receive Pathways, call Adult Grief Support Group Apr. 7 - May 12 Helping Hands Healing Hearts-March 15 - Apr. 19 Articles Inside Guilt and Regrets Surfing the Waves of Sorrow Grieve Not All events held at Hospice of CNY are fully accessible. To check on cancellations due to weather or emergency, call x 307 two hours prior to the event. Page 6