Arthur E. Jongsma, Jr., Series Editor. Couples Therapy. Assignments may be quickly customized using the enclosed CD-ROM

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Couples Psychotherapy Treatment Planner,

1 PracticePlanners Arthur E. Jongsma, Jr., Series Editor SECOND EDITION Couples Therapy HOMEWORK PLANNER Contains 71 ready-to-copy homework assignments that can be used to facilitate therapy with couples Homework assignments and exercises are keyed to the behaviorally based presenting problems from The Couples Psychotherapy Treatment Planner, Second Edition Assignments may be quickly customized using the enclosed CD-ROM Includes CD-ROM GARY M. SCHULTHEIS STEFFANIE ALEXANDER O HANLON BILL O HANLON

7 Couples Therapy Homework Planner Second Edition

9 PracticePlanners Arthur E. Jongsma Jr., Series Editor Couples Therapy Homework Planner Second Edition Gary M. Schultheis Steffanie Alexander O Hanlon Bill O Hanlon John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

10 This book is printed on acid-free paper. Copyright 2010 by John Wiley & Sons, Inc. All rights reserved. Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey. Published simultaneously in Canada. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the Publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, Inc., 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, (978) , fax (978) , or on the web at Requests to the Publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030, (201) , fax (201) Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional where appropriate. Neither the publisher nor author shall be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages. This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering professional services. If legal, accounting, medical, psychological or any other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought. Designations used by companies to distinguish their products are often claimed as trademarks. In all instances where John Wiley & Sons, Inc. is aware of a claim, the product names appear in initial capital or all capital letters. Readers, however, should contact the appropriate companies for more complete information regarding trademarks and registration. For general information on our other products and services please contact our Customer Care Department within the United States at (800) , outside the United States at (317) or fax (317) Wiley also publishes its books in a variety of electronic formats. Some content that appears in print may not be available in electronic books. For more information about Wiley products, visit our website at Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data: Schultheis, Gray M. Couples therapy homework planner / Gary M. Schultheis, Steffanie O Hanlon, Bill O Hanlon. 2nd ed. p. ; cm. (PracticePlanners series) First published under title: Brief couples therapy homework planner, c2009. Includes bibliographical references. ISBN (pbk. : alk. paper); (epdf); (emobi); (epub). 1. Marital psychotherapy Problems, exercises, etc. 2. Brief psychotherapy Problems exercises, etc. I. Schultheis, Gary M. II. O Hanlon, Steffanie. III. O Hanlon, William Hudson. Brief couples therapy homework planner. IV. Title. V Series: Practice planners. [DNLM: 1. Couples Therapy Problems and Exercises. 2. Psychotherapy Brief Problems and Exercises. WM 18.2 S386b 2010] RC488.5.S '456 dc Printed in the United States of America

11 CONTENTS PracticePlanners Series Preface xiii Acknowledgments xv Introduction 1 How to Use This Book 2 Assigning Tasks 3 Debriefing 3 SECTION I Generic Tasks 6 Exercise I.1 Stacking the Deck 9 Exercise I.2 Personal Pep Talk 12 Exercise I.3 Gray Areas 14 Exercise I.4 Love-O-Meter 16 Exercise I.5 Session Preparation 18 Exercise I.6 Feedback Log 20 Exercise I.7 Learning the Language 24 Exercise I.8 Chart Your Course 26 Exercise I.9 Taking Charge of Change 29 Exercise I.10 Unpack Loaded and Vague Words 32 Exercise I.11 Doing Love and Intimacy 36 Exercise I.12 Track the Problems and Solutions 42 Exercise I.13 Identify and Validate Your Partner s Feelings and Points of View 44 Exercise I.14 Changing Character Indictments to Action Descriptions 47 Exercise I.15 Identify What Has Worked and Do More of That 50 Exercise I.16 Little Things Mean a Lot 53 Exercise I.17 Keep One Eye on the Road 56 Exercise I.18 Time Travel 58 Exercise I.19 What Is Your Map of Love-Land? 61 Exercise I.20 Acknowledgment 64 Exercise I.21 Catch Your Partner Doing Something Right 66 ix

12 x CONTENTS Exercise I.22 Let Your Partner Know What Behaviors You d Like 69 Exercise I.23 Just the Facts, Ma am 71 Exercise I.24 Map the Problem 73 Exercise I.25 Breaking Patterns 76 Exercise I.26 Don t Get Even, Get Odd 78 Exercise I.27 Change the Context 82 Exercise I.28 Negotiating Impasses 85 Exercise I.29 Go Ape 87 Exercise I.30 Letter to the Problem 90 Exercise I.31 Going Postal Instead of Going Postal 92 Exercise I.32 Lighten Your Load 95 Exercise I.33 Can Do! 97 Exercise I.34 Plant a Tree 99 SECTION II Generic Issues/Values Conflicts for Couples 101 Exercise II.1 Timeout Handout 102 Exercise II.2 Anger Log 104 Exercise II.3 Setting Boundaries 106 Exercise II.4 Biodots 109 Exercise II.5 Breathing 111 Exercise II.6 Let s Get Physical 113 Exercise II.7 Value Your Differences 115 Exercise II.8 Accountability 117 Exercise II.9 Restoring Trust and Faith When One Partner Has Betrayed the Relationship 119 Exercise II.10 Inequities 121 Exercise II.11 Feeling Responsible: Who Initiates Things That Need to Be Done 124 Exercise II.12 Intimacy 127 Exercise II.13 Styles of and Motivation for Arguing 129 Exercise II.14 Forgiveness 131 Exercise II.15 Money/Financial Conflicts 134 Exercise II.16 A Common Destination 137 Exercise II.17 Negotiating Socializing Preference Differences 139 Exercise II.18 Creating a Mission 142

13 CONTENTS xi SECTION III Specific Problem Areas for Couples 144 Exercise III.1 Chronic or Unproductive Arguments 145 Exercise III.2 Verbal Abuse 148 Exercise III.3 Boxing Clutter to a TKO 151 Exercise III.4 Separating Work from Home Life 153 Exercise III.5 Planned Spontaneity 155 Exercise III.6 A Safe Place for the Traumatic Memories 158 Exercise III.7 Chronic Lateness from Work 160 Exercise III.8 Set Limits with Consequences 163 Sexual Issues and Problems 165 Exercise III.9 Mix n Match Sexual Menu for Expanding Your Sex Life 166 Exercise III.10 Pleasure Teaching Session 168 Exercise III.11 Dealing with Impotence 170 Exercise III.12 Help for Premature Ejaculation 172 Exercise III.13 Initiation Week 174 Exercise III.14 Lightening Up about Sexuality and Weight Gain 176 Exercise III.15 A Night to Remember 178 Family, Stepfamily, and Parenting Problems 180 Exercise III.16 Wrestling with the Challenging Task of Parenting 181 Exercise III.17 In-Law Problems 184 Exercise III.18 Get a Roommate 187 Exercise III.19 Circle the Wagons 190 SECTION IV Reproducible Forms and Brochures 192 Suggestions for Making Conversations More Productive 192 Movies about Couples 194 An Appreciative Interview to Celebrate the Anniversary of Your Marriage 201 Interview with My Valentine 203 Appreciative Inquiry Interview Protocol: Life-Giving Relationships 204 Guidelines for Couples Communication 206 How to Solve Relationship Problems 208 Creating or Renewing Intimacy 209 Pocket Emergency Guidelines 211 Getting Over an Affair 213 Dealing with a Partner or Spouse with a Chemical Abuse Problem 215 Preventing or Dealing with Violence in a Relationship 218 Solving Sexual Problems 220 Train Your Therapist 223

14 xii CONTENTS Relationship Rescue: Ten Methods for Resolving Relationship Crises 225 Dealing with the Death of a Child 228 Generic Assignment Form 229 References 231 About the CD-ROM 233

15 PRACTICEPLANNERS SERIES PREFACE Accountability is an important dimension of the practice of psychotherapy. Treatment programs, public agencies, clinics, and practitioners must justify and document their treatment plans to outside review entities in order to be reimbursed for services. The books and software in the PracticePlanners series are designed to help practitioners fulfill these documentation requirements efficiently and professionally. The PracticePlanners series includes a wide array of treatment planning books, including not only the original Complete Adult Psychotherapy Treatment Planner, Child Psychotherapy Treatment Planner, and Adolescent Psychotherapy Treatment Planner, all now in their fourth editions, but also Treatment Planners targeted to specialty areas of practice, including: Addictions Behavioral medicine College students Co-occurring disorders Couples therapy Crisis counseling Early childhood education Employee assistance Family therapy Gays and lesbians Group therapy Juvenile justice and residential care Mental retardation and developmental disability Neuropsychology Older adults Parenting skills Pastoral counseling Personality disorders Probation and parole Psychopharmacology Rehabilitation psychology School counseling Severe and persistent mental illness Sexual abuse victims and offenders xiii