Lessons from My Father

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Julian Dawson
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Summer 2017 Lessons from My Father by Courtney Peters, LICSW Counselor, Grief Support Services Until recently I never really knew my father. He was a quiet man, shy, kept to himself.

Later he d forget to eat meals or pay his bills. At first I thought this was a consequence of aging, but in the summer of 2015, a doctor diagnosed my father with Alzheimer s disease.

After he moved in with us, I was afforded the opportunity to get to know him for the first time in my life. He couldn t be left alone.

1 Summer 2017 Lessons from My Father by Courtney Peters, LICSW Counselor, Grief Support Services Until recently I never really knew my father. He was a quiet man, shy, kept to himself. He lived alone and didn t share a lot about his life, but we kept in touch. Over the years, I noticed he was becoming more forgetful. He d forget our phone calls or that we had plans together. Later he d forget to eat meals or pay his bills. At first I thought this was a consequence of aging, but in the summer of 2015, a doctor diagnosed my father with Alzheimer s disease. Suddenly a man I barely knew needed help with everything from meals to bathing and using the bathroom. I decided to be there, to help, and I opened my home to him. After he moved in with us, I was afforded the opportunity to get to know him for the first time in my life. He couldn t be left alone. I was his primary caregiver, so we spent all of our time together. We listened to his favorite music (oldies but goodies), watched his favorite In This Issue page 2 Camp Erin page 3 Kids and Teens Corner page 3 Standing Together grief support for kids and teens page 4 Support Groups and Events page 4 Contact Us sports on TV (Mariners baseball), and ate his favorite food (Häagen-Dazs ice cream bars). I had the privilege of hearing his stories (more than once!) of emigrating from rural Canada to Alaska in the 1950s, and about serving in the National Guard and living in Anchorage during the 9.2 earthquake of He became the center of my world, and I became the anchor of his. Eventually my father needed more care than we could provide. He is now in an adult family home, and I have the continued pleasure of spending time with him. My father has become my teacher, mentor and guide. As Alzheimer s slowly moves him toward the end of his life, I find myself reflecting on the many lessons I ve learned while walking in relationship with him. Even now I know these lessons will help me through my grief long after his death. Continued on page 2

2 Lessons from My Father continued Here are four lessons from my experience with my father. Perhaps they ll provide insight and understanding in your own grief process. I know they ll guide me when my father is gone. 1. Be patient with yourself. Grief takes time. My father often tells and retells stories. He often asks the same question. I ve learned to be patient with him and with myself as I ve explored new ways to provide care. With grief, we often feel we should be over it within a certain time frame. Be patient. There is no timeline for grieving. 2. Be kind to yourself. As a caregiver, I often felt I wasn t doing enough for my father. I later under stood I d done the best I could under the circumstances. 3. Practice gratitude. I m grateful for the opportunity to really get to know my father. It might seem impossible to find gratitude in grief, but the ingredients are there! We can often find hope in difficult circumstances if we look hard enough. 4. Accept help. While caring for my father, I had to acknowledge I needed help. I couldn t do it alone. With grief, sometimes we need to spend time alone, and sometimes we need help. Consider allowing family or friends to help with practical matters, like making meals or mowing the lawn. Consider letting a friend take you out for a cup of coffee. Consider attending a Providence support group. Finally, consider this: What lessons have you learned from your loved one s life that can be part of their legacy to you a legacy that will carry you forward in the coming days? Consider sharing that insight with a friend or a member of your family. I wish you well in the days to come. Camp Erin Everett Aug , 2017 Camp Erin Everett is a free three-day overnight camp for youth in grades K-12 who have experienced the death of a significant person. It is a traditional, fun, high-energy camp coupled with grief support and education. Camp Erin Everett is held at Camp Killoqua in Stanwood, about 20 miles northwest of Everett. The camp is facilitated by professional staff and trained volunteers of Providence Hospice and Home Care of Snohomish County. Boating Campfires Music Rock climbing Nature walks Arts and crafts Field sports Swimming and more! Contact us to learn more and to request an application. Spaces are limited and fill quickly. Please call for an application. At Camp Erin, I learned that there are others who are going through what I m going through. - Teenage camper Camp Erin helped me express my feelings about the loss of my dad. Camp Erin made me feel safe, and I could cry if I wanted. - Camper, age 9

Kids and Teens Corner Grief Monster by Kate Sproul, MA, LMHCA So there s this thing called grief. You ve probably heard of it. You probably wish you hadn t heard of it. It is scary and unfamiliar.

Several years ago, I invited a young client to draw their grief experience. This child drew a monster. More specifically, a hairy green grief monster.

It made them scream and cry, and hide in the house, and lash out at people.

3 Kids and Teens Corner Grief Monster by Kate Sproul, MA, LMHCA So there s this thing called grief. You ve probably heard of it. You probably wish you hadn t heard of it. It is scary and unfamiliar. It comes when we least expect it and leaves us in the dark. Things are not as they used to be, or should be, and we find it difficult to go about our normal routine knowing grief is lurking. Several years ago, I invited a young client to draw their grief experience. This child drew a monster. More specifically, a hairy green grief monster. This monster represented all the feelings, emotions, thoughts and questions related to the child s loss. The monster represented anger, sadness and fear. The monster kept the child awake at night. It made them scream and cry, and hide in the house, and lash out at people. All the child wanted was for the grief monster to go away, so they tucked him away in the corner of their mind and tried their best to avoid him. Through our time together, we identified the grief monster had shown up the same day as this child s loved one had died, and it wasn t going away. In fact, the grief monster was here to stay for good. We agreed we might as well see if we could get used to him, maybe even become friends, and share some memories together. As children get older and can process their experiences, the grief monster gets older too. Their relationship with the monster evolves, just as any relationship does. They may start to understand each other a little bit differently. Their grief monster makes them feel ways they didn t feel before, sometimes better, sometimes worse. They ask him questions they didn t ask before and, because of their own life experiences, they feel differently about him than they did at first. They do different things together than they used to. They still sometimes hate him because he makes them cry, but they also love that he shares memories with them, continues bonds, and helps them live on in a way that their loved one would have wanted. Considering your child s age and current grief experience, invite them to share with you what their grief monster looks like today. How have they encountered their grief monster? What thoughts come up for them? Art is often a helpful medium when talking with children about big feelings. I encourage you to sit down with your child and invite them to draw their grief monster. Continued on page 4 Standing Together After the death of someone important in a child or teen s life, it can be a bewildering time. We have heard from many youth that they feel alone and that their peers don t get it. Standing Together is a free grief support group for Standing Together brings grieving youth together in a safe, supportive and fun environment. Kids and teens meet in small groups with others their own age dates They have opportunities to share, engage in creative expression and learn that they aren t alone. First Presbyterian Church 2936 Rockefeller Ave. Meetings are held from noon to 2 p.m. on the second Saturday of each month, October through June. Pizza lunch is provided. youth in grades K-12. It is facilitated by trained staff and volunteers of Providence Hospice and Home Care of Snohomish County. Oct. 14, Nov. 11, Dec. 9 Please call to register.

4 Support Groups and Events Standing Together (a group for kids and teens) June 10 and Oct. 14 Noon-2 p.m. First Presbyterian Church 2936 Rockefeller Ave., Everett To register, call Growing Through Grief A six-week group for adults coping with the death of a loved one. Wednesdays, Oct. 4-Nov p.m. To register, call Grief and the Holidays Wednesday, Nov p.m. Everett Elks Lodge 2802 Hoyt Ave. To register, call Ongoing drop-in groups Registration NOT required for the following: Spouse/Partner Loss Group Second Thursday of each month 2-3:30 p.m. Providence Hospice 2731 Wetmore Ave., Everett Newly Bereaved Workshop for Adults Third Thursday of each month 6-7:30 p.m. Providence Hospice 2731 Wetmore Ave., Everett General Loss Group Fourth Thursday of each month 2-3:30 p.m. Providence Hospice 2731 Wetmore Ave., Everett Individual/family grief support Individual and family grief support and education is available to those who are grieving the death of a significant person within the past 13 months. To make an appointment with one of our counselors or if you would like more information, please call All services are offered free of charge. Help us go GREEN... Receive your newsletter via . To sign up, please call Grief Monster continued These tips may be helpful as you move forward: 1. Acknowledge the presence of the grief monster (thoughts, feelings, questions). 2. Be patient and open minded. Allow your child to illustrate the grief monster in his or her own way. 3. Be available. Sit with and listen to your child. Answer his or her questions. 4. Let your child know that a range of different emotions is normal. 5. Validate your child s feelings. Do not minimize them. 6. Know that grief monsters are ever present, but their expression shifts over time. (Grief will change over a day, week, month, year). As you witness your children illustrate their own grief monsters, it may be helpful to share with them what your grief monster looks like. This exercise can be helpful for both adults and children as we seek to make friends with our grief monsters, normalize these scary and unfamiliar feelings, and invite them into the light. Excerpts from this article were inspired by What s Your Grief, December 14, Providence Hospice and Home Care of Snohomish County is a nonprofit organization that relies on philanthropic support to continue providing critical programs and services that are vital to our community. If you would like to make a contribution, please send your tax-deductible donation to: By mail: Providence Hospice and Home Care Foundation 2731 Wetmore Ave., Suite 500 By phone: Online: Providence.org/phhc

5 Notice of Nondiscrimination and Accessibility Rights We comply with applicable Federal civil rights laws and do not discriminate on the basis of race, color, national origin, age, disability, or sex. We do not exclude people or treat them differently because of race, color, national origin, age, disability, or sex. We: (1) Provide free aids and services to people with disabilities to communicate effectively with us, such as: (a) Qualified sign language interpreters; and (b) Written information in other formats (large print, audio, accessible electronic formats, other formats). (2) Provide free language services to people whose primary language is not English, such as: (a) Qualified interpreters; and (b) Information written in other languages. If you need any of the above services, please contact the appropriate Civil Rights Coordinator below. If you need Telecommunications Relay Services, please call or If you believe that we have failed to provide these services or discriminated in another way on the basis of race, color, national origin, age, disability, or sex, you can file a grievance with us by contacting the Civil Rights Coordinator for your state as listed below: State/Service Civil Rights Coordinator Alaska Civil Rights Coordinator, 3200 Providence Dr., Anchorage, AK 99508, Tel: ; Interpreter Line: ; Nondiscrimination.AK@providence.org California Civil Rights Coordinator, 501 S. Buena Vista Street, Burbank, CA 91505; Tel: ; Interpreter Line: ; Nondiscrimination.CA@providence.org Montana Civil Rights Coordinator, 1801 Lind Ave. SW, Renton, WA 98057; Tel: ; Interpreter Line: ; Nondiscrimination.MT@providence.org Washington Civil Rights Coordinator, 101 W. 8th Ave., Spokane, WA 99204; Tel: ; Interpreter Line: ; Nondiscrimination.WA@providence.org Oregon Civil Rights Coordinator, 5933 Win Sivers Dr, Suite 109, Portland, OR 97220; Tel: ; Interpreter Line: ; Nondiscrimination.OR@providence.org Senior Services Civil Rights Coordinator, 2811 S. 102nd Street, Suite 220, Tukwila, WA 98168, Tel: (all states) ; Interpreter Line: ; Nondiscrimination.pscs@providence.org You can file a grievance in person or by mail, fax, or . If you need help filing a grievance, one of the above-noted Civil Rights Coordinators is available to help you. You can also file a civil rights complaint with the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Office for Civil Rights electronically through the Office for Civil Rights Complaint Portal, available at or by mail or phone at: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 200 Independence Avenue SW., Room 509F, HHH Building, Washington, DC 20201, , (TDD). Complaint forms are available at

Providence Hospice and Home Care of Snohomish County NON-PROFIT ORGANIZATION U.S. POSTAGE PAID EVERETT, WA PERMIT NO. 88 2731 Wetmore Ave.

6 Providence Hospice and Home Care of Snohomish County NON-PROFIT ORGANIZATION U.S. POSTAGE PAID EVERETT, WA PERMIT NO Wetmore Ave., Suite 500 RETURN SERVICE REQUESTED ATTENTION: If you speak English, language assistance services, free of charge, are available to you. Call (TTY: 711) /17

Torn Pieces by Rex Allen Grief support services manager

Spring 2017 Torn Pieces by Rex Allen Grief support services manager For hundreds of years, humans have used the creative arts to better understand the instinctual response to loss we call grief. The materials