Goals. Setting the Context. 1. n Outline obstacles that block direct communication

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1 Photo by WeVe1 - Creative Commons Attribution License Created with Haiku Deck Goals n Outline obstacles that block direct communication n Deepen our understanding of how emotions impact our conversations and our regular interactions n Unpacking a key skill in perspective takinglistening to wrong or wrong sounding ideas with curiosity Setting the Context n Difficult Conversations abound n Difficult conversations are about competing values and perceptions n When difficult conversations work all parties often learn something they didn t know at the start 1

2 At the heart of this work n The I m right assumption vs. recognizing the limits of one s own perspective Count the F s 2

3 The Connections of this work to School Culture RELATIONSHIPS AND SCHOOL IMPROVEMENT The single factor common to successful change is that relationships improve. If relationships improve, schools get better. If relationships remain the same or get worse, ground is lost. Thus, building relationships with diverse people and groups-especially with people who think differently is a must. In complex times, emotional intelligence is a must. Emotionally intelligent leaders are able to build relationships because they are aware of their own emotional makeup and are sensitive and inspiring to others. (Goleman, Boyatzis, and McKee, 2002) From an article by Michael Fullan, The Change Leader 3

4 Nondiscussables Nondiscussables are subjects sufficiently important that they are talked about frequently but are so laden with anxiety and fearfulness that these conversations only take place in the parking lot, the rest rooms, etc. So what are the non-discussables related to a hot issue within your school community? FIVE BIG FEARS (students) Fear Of Making Mistakes Fear Of Looking Like A Fool Fear Of Having A Weakness Exposed Fear Of Not Being Liked Fear Of Failure 4

5 SIX BIG FEARS (Teachers) Fear Of Making Mistakes Fear That Errors Will Erase Prior Success Fear Of Having A Weakness Exposed Fear That Asking For Assistance Will Diminish Respect Fear Of Looking Like A Novice Fear of Conflict Feedback Relationship Five Key Skills: n Acknowledgment of Feelings n Responding to criticism (and less than acceptable results) with curiosity n Balancing Advocacy with Inquiry n Disentangling impact from intention n Abandoning blame and mapping the contribution system 5

6 A Healthier Approach Front stabbing is better than back stabbing. There is a prevailing belief that in order to get ahead, we must be cautious in telling the truth. To act courageously is to follow an unpopular path. It means to confront an issue when others are acting as if there is no issue -- to say that a meeting is not going well when everyone else seems totally satisfied. Peter Block The Empowered Manager The heat in a heated discussion EMOTIONS 6

7 Emotional Intelligence-A Primer n The capacity for recognizing our own feelings and those of others, for motivating ourselves, and for managing emotions well in ourselves and in our relationships. n Being emotionally intelligent does not equate with being emotional, letting feelings hang out. Why don t leaders with high IQ s always succeed? 7

8 What do emotions do? They convey information to you about the relative importance of your concerns First Big Idea: Have your Feelings (or they will have you) Feelings matter: They are often at the heart of Difficult Conversations 8

9 Have your Feelings (or they will have you) Feelings are not only present during intense experiences. They are omnipresent. Learning to read your own feelings and those of others provides you access to additional data From a dinner time conversation Irene and David are looking over their menus in a restaurant. David says he will order a steak. Irene says, Did you notice they also have salmon? -from Deborah Tannen s, I Only Say This Because I Love You From an It is that time of year again. I need to observe one of your classes. Please invite me in to see your best teaching. Arrange a mutually convenient time with my secretary for this observation. 9

10 An Important Guideline Adults often mask their feelings when they blame A Clarification Too often we confuse being emotional with expressing emotions clearly. They are different! You can express emotion well without being emotional, and you can be extremely emotional without expressing much of anything at all. Analyzing an from an Emotional Intelligence Perspective 10

11 Case Study An to a Parent Hi Mr. And Mrs. Blake, I am still seeing the silly, argumentative behaviors in Shaakira. She came late without a pass and on Wednesday and did not come to serve her 8th period. I am feeling as though these weekly reports are not helping the situation and frankly feel frustrated that I never have any response from you. I d like to entertain the idea of ceasing these weekly reports. I have no plan at this point to put in its place. I am open to any suggestions you might have. To make the structure of a difficult conversation visible, we need to understand not only what is said, but also what is not said. 2 nd Big Idea Difficult conversations are not about the truth but about conflicting perceptions, values and interpretations. 11

12 We rarely show curiosity about each other s stories Discussing/arguing/telling without understanding is unpersuasive We should assume that there is important information we don t have access to it s a good bet to be true. Move from certainty to curiosity. Chris Argyris-Ladder of Inference 12