SESA CLIENT WORKSHEET: Stress Reducing Conversation Adapted from Gottman Method Therapy

Transcription

1 Empower Yourself SESA CLIENT WORKSHEET: Stress Reducing Conversation Adapted from Gottman Method Therapy Transform Your Life One of the key areas in building a sound relationship is to be able to speak to your partner about life outside of the couple s world. The exercise below teaches how deal with external stress. It gives tools so that the person does not feel that they have to deal with the stress alone. This reduces feelings of loneliness and encourages you to understand the external stressors your partner is dealing with. This increases your connection to your partner. Should you lose all or part of the handout and would like it for reference, you may download it at The Speaker s job: Present what is stressful to you. Be as open as you can. The source of stress HAS to be something outside of the relationship, like a job stress or stress in your family of origin. It can also be an internal worry or some other worry. DO NOT TALK ABOUT ANY STRESS YOU MAY FEEL INSIDE THE RELATIONSHIP. Have courage. Dare to be vulnerable and imperfect. Don t limit yourself to sharing the stress. Share your feelings, your worries, your vulnerabilities about it. Use feeling words. Do not move quickly to problem solving. Wait until YOU are SURE your partner fully understands your issue and your feelings. Take as long as you need. This might take as long as minutes; take your time you deserve it.. admin@sesa-wpruban.com

2 2 Pleasant Feelings OPEN HAPPY ALIVE GOOD Understanding great playful calm Confident gay courageous peaceful Reliable joyous energetic at ease Easy lucky liberated comfortable Amazed fortunate optimistic pleased Free delighted provocative encouraged Sympathetic overjoyed impulsive clever Interested gleeful free surprised Satisfied thankful frisky content Receptive important animated quiet Accepting festive spirited certain Kind ecstatic thrilled relaxed Satisfied wonderful serene Glad free and easy Cheerful bright Sunny blessed Merry reassured elated jubilant LOVE INTERESTED POSITIVE STRONG Loving concerned eager impulsive Considerate affected keen free Affectionate fascinated earnest sure Sensitive intrigued intent certain Tender absorbed anxious rebellious Devoted inquisitive inspired unique Attracted nosy determined dynamic Passionate snoopy excited tenacious Admiration engrossed enthusiastic hardy Warm curious bold secure Touched brave

3 3 Difficult/Unpleasant Feelings ANGRY DEPRESSED CONFUSED HELPLESS Irritated lousy upset incapable Enraged disappointed doubtful alone Hostile discouraged uncertain paralyzed Insulting ashamed indecisive fatigued Sore powerless perplexed useless Annoyed diminished embarrassed inferior Upset guilty hesitant vulnerable Hateful dissatisfied shy empty Unpleasant miserable stupefied forced Offensive detestable disillusioned hesitant Bitter repugnant unbelieving despair Aggressive despicable skeptical frustrated Resentful disgusting distrustful distressed Inflamed abominable misgiving woeful Provoked terrible lost pathetic Incensed in despair unsure tragic Infuriated sulky uneasy in a stew Cross bad pessimistic dominated worked up a sense of loss tense boiling fuming indignant INDIFFERENT AFRAID HURT SAD Insensitive fearful crushed tearful Dull terrified tormented sorrowful Nonchalant suspicious deprived pained Neutral anxious pained grief Reserved alarmed tortured anguish Weary panic dejected desolate Bored nervous rejected desperate Preoccupied scared injured pessimistic

4 4 The Listeners Job. As your partner is sharing what is stressing them, try to use the skills below. The more you practice using these skills, the m ore natural and effective they become. DO NOT PROBLEM SOLVE FOR YOUR PARTNER. SHOW INTEREST: Ask your partner questions about their stress. This shows you care and are interested. Questions of this type show interest: What s been going on in your world? What s this like for you? How does that feel? What do you feel about this? What s the worst part about this As you practice, you will remember your own language of showing interest to your spouse s outside world. EXPRESS EMPATHY: Empathize with your partner s feeling. This means that you try to put yourself in their shoes, feel at least a part of what they are feeling. This expresses your compassion for them. Statements of this tyoe show empathy: That sounds... (scarey, aweful, terrible) I d be angry too! How annoying. How irritating. How unfair. It s statements like these that help your partner to feel less alone, and like you really GET where they re living with this stress. It feels artificial at first, after all the above are stock statements, not your own words. But with practice, you will remember or develop your own language of empathy for your partner. VALIDATE YOUR PARTNER S EXPERIENCE: Validating, lets a person know that how they are feeling is true, valid, real and ok. It causes them to feel heard.

5 5 SIDE WITH YOUR PARTNER, NOT WITH THE ENEMY EVEN IF YOU AGREE WITH THE ISSUE THE ENEMY HAS RAISED: When your partner complains about someone, do not take this as the time to say see!! Even so and so knows that you do this!. This will make your partner feel attacked, ganged up upon and like a fool for trusting you. There are more appropriate times to discuss the issue. Now is the time to validate and be empathetic. Empathize and validate the feelings and their version. It does not mean you agree with them. It means you are on their side. DO NOT RUCH TO PROBLEM SOLVE: Most partners want to problem solve. After all, no one likes to see their partner suffer. Hang back, liste, be an ally. If your partner wants help, he or she will give you a cue. If and ONLY IF, that cue is received, do you jump in and offer suggestions. As you listen and come to know your partner s style of communication, you will learn when to help and when just to stand back and be a support. DON T MAKE IT OUR PROBLEM UNLESS YOUR PARTNER WANTS IT TO BE SO: Sometimes all your partner needs is an ally, someone whose got their back, so to say. They want to confide about the problem but want to handle it on their own. It s an autonomy issue. IT S NOT ABOUT YOU, YOUR SKILLS, OR YOUR ABILITY TO BE THERE FOR YOUR PARTNER. If your partner indicates that they want your help by the problem being shared by both of you, then its fine to indicate to your partner that this can be your problem to. Then roll up your sleeves and jump on in!!

6 6 Validation: How to do it. Validation does not mean that you AGREE or APPROVE of behavior. In fact, validation is nonjudgmental. Validation Strategies: FOCUS: on the inherent worth of the person, whether it is yourself or someone else. OBSERVE: Listen carefully to what is said with words, expression, and body. Intently listen and be mindful. DESCRIBE: non-judgmentally state the facts of the situation. STATE THE UNSTATED: note the presence of feelings, beliefs, etc. that have not been voiced. You seem to be angry, but also hurt by what so and so said to you FIND WHAT IS TRUE/VALID ABOUT THE EXPERIENCE: and note this. You do not have to agree or approve of the experience. Find a piece of it that makes perfect sense and validate this. If you are self validating HONOR YOUR EXPERIENCE: sit quietly with it, knowing it for at least a few moments. If you are validating yourself, identify primary emotions. If anger is obvious, explore your feelings of any hurt, shame or disappointment that may be hiding underneath. If you are validating someone else, use good eye contact, nod, be mindful of them. When validating someone else, even if you disagree with their behavior find something that you can empathize with.

7 7 Pleasant Feelings OPEN HAPPY ALIVE GOOD Understanding great playful calm Confident gay courageous peaceful Reliable joyous energetic at ease Easy lucky liberated comfortable Amazed fortunate optimistic pleased Free delighted provocative encouraged Sympathetic overjoyed impulsive clever Interested gleeful free surprised Satisfied thankful frisky content Receptive important animated quiet Accepting festive spirited certain Kind ecstatic thrilled relaxed Satisfied wonderful serene Glad free and easy Cheerful bright Sunny blessed Merry reassured elated jubilant LOVE INTERESTED POSITIVE STRONG Loving concerned eager impulsive Considerate affected keen free Affectionate fascinated earnest sure Sensitive intrigued intent certain Tender absorbed anxious rebellious Devoted inquisitive inspired unique Attracted nosy determined dynamic Passionate snoopy excited tenacious

8 8 Admiration engrossed enthusiastic hardy Warm curious bold secure Touched brave sympathy daring close challenged loved optimistic comforted re-enforced drawn toward confident hopeful Difficult/Unpleasant Feelings ANGRY DEPRESSED CONFUSED HELPLESS Irritated lousy upset incapable Enraged disappointed doubtful alone Hostile discouraged uncertain paralyzed Insulting ashamed indecisive fatigued Sore powerless perplexed useless Annoyed diminished embarrassed inferior Upset guilty hesitant vulnerable Hateful dissatisfied shy empty Unpleasant miserable stupefied forced Offensive detestable disillusioned hesitant Bitter repugnant unbelieving despair Aggressive despicable skeptical frustrated Resentful disgusting distrustful distressed Inflamed abominable misgiving woeful Provoked terrible lost pathetic Incensed in despair unsure tragic Infuriated sulky uneasy in a stew Cross bad pessimistic dominated worked up a sense of loss tense boiling fuming indignant

9 9 INDIFFERENT AFRAID HURT SAD Insensitive fearful crushed tearful Dull terrified tormented sorrowful Nonchalant suspicious deprived pained Neutral anxious pained grief Reserved alarmed tortured anguish Weary panic dejected desolate Bored nervous rejected desperate Preoccupied scared injured pessimistic Cold worried offended unhappy Disinterested frightened afflicted lonely lifeless timid aching grieved shaky victimized mournful restless heartbroken dismayed doubtful agonized threatened appalled cowardly humiliated quaking wronged menaced alienated wary