ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS Characteristics. Adult Children of Alcoholics

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1 ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS Characteristics Adult Children f Alchlics 1. guess at what nrmal is 2. have difficulty in fllwing a prject thrugh frm beginning t end 3. lie when it wuld be just as easy t tell the truth. 4. judge themselves withut mercy. 5. have difficulty having fun. 6. take themselves very seriusly. 7. have difficulty with intimate relatinships. 8. ver-react t changes ver which they have n cntrl. 9. cnstantly seek apprval and affirmatin. 10. feel that they are different frm ther peple. 11. are either super respnsible r super irrespnsible. 12. are extremely lyal even in the face f evidence that the lyalty is undeserved. 13. lk fr immediate rather than deferred gratificatin. 14. lck themselves int a curse f actin withut giving serius cnsideratin t alternate behavirs r pssible cnsequences. 15. seek tensin and crisis and then cmplain abut the results. 16. avid cnflict r aggravate it; rarely d they deal with it. 17. fear rejectin and abandnment, yet are rejecting f thers. 18. fear failure, but sabtage their success. 19. fear criticism and judgment, yet criticize and judge thers. 20. manage time prly and d nt set pririties in a way that wrks well fr them.

2 CHARACTERISTICS OF A.C.O.A.'s The fllwing are sme f the characteristics, agreed upn by ne Alann- Aca grup, that result in prblems in ur lives We becme islated and afraid f peple and authrity figures. 2. We becme apprval seekers and lst ur identity in the prcess. 3. We are frightened by angry peple and any persnal criticism. 4. We either becme alchlics, marry them, r bth, r find anther cmpulsive persnality such as a wrkahlic t fulfill ur sick abandnment needs. 5. We live life frm the viewpint f victims and are attracted by that weakness in ur lve and friendship relatins. 6. We have an verdevelped sense f respnsibility and it is easier fr us t be cncerned with thers rather urselves. This enables us nt t lk t clsely at ur faults. 7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up fr urselves instead f giving in t thers. 8. We becme addicted t excitement. 9. We cnfuse lve and pity and tend t "lve" peple we can "pity" and "rescue". 10. We have stuffed ur feelings frm ur traumatic childhd's and have lst the ability t feel r express ur feelings because it hurts s much. 11. We judge urselves harshly and have a very lw sense f self-esteem. 12. We are dependent persnalities wh are terrified f abandnment and will d anything t hld n t a relatinship in rder nt t experience painful abandnment feelings which we received frm living with sick peple wh were never there emtinally fr us. Alchlism is a family prblem and we became para-alchlics and tk n the characteristics f an alchlic even thugh we may r may nt pick up the drink. Para-alchlics are reactrs rather than actrs. THE PROBLEM Many f us fund that we had several characteristics in cmmn as a result f being brught up in an alchlic husehld. We had cme t feel islated, uneasy with ther peple, and especially authrity figures. T prtect urselves, we became peple pleasers, even thugh we lst ur wn identities in the prcess. All the same, we wuld mistake any persnal criticism as a threat.

3 We either became alchlics urselves r married them r bth. Failing that, we fund anther cmpulsive persnality, such as a wrkahlic, t fulfill ur sick need fr abandnment. We lived life frm the standpint f victims. Having an ver-develped sense f respnsibility, we preferred t be cncerned with thers rather than urselves. We smehw gt guilt feelings when we std up fr urselves rather than giving in t thers. Thus, we became reactrs, rather than actrs, letting thers take the initiative. We were dependent persnalities --terrified f abandnment--willing t d almst anything t hld nt a relatinship in rder nt t be abandned emtinally. Yet we kept chsing insecure relatinships because they matched ur childhd relatinship with alchlic parents. These symptms f the family prblem f alchlism made us "c-victims"-- thse wh take n the characteristics f the prblem withut necessarily ever taking a drink. We learned t keep ur feelings dwn as children and kept them buried as adults. As a result f this cnditining, we cnfused lve with pity, tending t lve thse we culd rescue. Even mre self defeating, we became addicted t excitement in all ur affairs, preferring cnstant upset t wrkable relatinships. This is a descriptin, nt an indictment. THE SOLUTION The Slutin is t becme yur wn lving parent. Yu will find the freedm t express all the hurts and fears yu have kept inside and t free yurself frm the shame and blame that are carryvers frm the past. Yu will becme an adult wh is imprisned n lnger by childhd reactins. Yu will recver the child within yu, learning t accept and lve yurself. The healing begins when we risk mving ut f islatin. Feelings and buried memries will return. By gradually releasing the burden f unexpressed grief, we slwly mve ut f the past. We learn t re-parent urselves with gentleness, humr, lve and respect. In rder t change, adult children f alchlics cannt use histry as an excuse fr cntinuing ur behavirs. We have n regrets fr what might have been, fr ur experiences have shaped ur talents as well as ur defects f character. It is ur respnsibility t discver these talents, t build

4 ur self-esteem and t repair any damage dne. We will allw urselves t feel ur feelings, t accept them, and learn t express them apprpriately. When we have begun thse tasks, we will try t let g f ur past and get n with the business f life. ENABLING Enabling is defined as reacting t a persn in such a way t shield him r her frm experiencing the full impact f the harmful cnsequences f behavir. Enabling behavir differs frm helping in that it permits r allws the persn t be irrespnsible. PROTECTION frm natural cnsequences f behavir. KEEPING SECRETS abut behavir frm thers in rder t keep peace. MAKING EXCUSES fr the behavir. (Schl, friends, legal authrities, wrk, family members.) BAILING OUT f truble. (Debts, fixing tickets, paying lawyers, prviding jbs.) BLAMING OTHERS fr dependent persns behavir. (Friends, teachers, emplyers, family, self.) SEEING THE PROBLEM AS THE RESULT OF SOMETHING ELSE. (Shyness, adlescence, lneliness, child, brken hme.) AVOIDING the chemically dependent persn in rder t keep peace. (Out-f-sight, ut-f-mind.) GIVING MONEY THAT IS UNDESERVED/UNEARNED. ATTEMPTING TO CONTROL. (Planning activities, chsing friends, getting jbs.) MAKING THREATS that have n fllw thrugh r cnsistency. TAKING CARE OF the chemically dependent persn. (Ding what he/she shuld be expected t fr themselves.) COMPLIANCE PATTERNS I assume respnsibility fr thers feelings and behavirs. I feel guilty abut thers feelings and behavirs. I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling. I have difficulty expressing feelings. I am afraid f my anger, yet smetimes erupt in a rage. I wrry hw thers may respnd t my feelings, pinins, and behavir. I have difficulty making decisins. I am afraid f being hurt and/r rejected by thers. I minimize, alter r deny hw I truly feel.

5 I am very sensitive t hw thers are feeling and feel the same. I am afraid t express differing pinins r feeling. I value thers pinins and feelings mre than my wn. I put ther peple's needs and desires befre mine. I am embarrassed t receive recgnitin and praise, r gifts. I judge everything I think, say, r d harshly, as never "gd enugh." I am perfectinistic. I am extremely lyal, remaining in harmful situatins t lng. I d nt ask thers t meet my needs r desires. I d nt perceive myself as a lvable and wrthwhile persn. I cmprmise my wn values and integrity t avid rejectin r thers anger. Rles Adjuster Placater Acting Out Child Respnsible One Hmewrk: Wh am I verses hw ther see me Stage 1: Identifying Self as helpless victim Stage 2: Denial f prblem and respnsibility fr it Stage 3: Acceptance f respnsibility fr having a bad habit Stage 4: Decisin t act respnsibly in the face f the prblem Stage 5: Making new chices t avid the prblem all tgether

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