PATHWAYS TO HEALING. Holiday Grief. Nov./Dec A newsletter to aid in bereavement

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1 PATHWAYS Holiday Grief by Michelle Gladu, LMSW, Bereavement Counselor TO HEALING Nov./Dec A newsletter to aid in bereavement Created by: Hospice of Central New York & Hospice of the Finger Lakes The holidays and special events that Fall and Winter bring can be an especially difficult time for those grieving the death of a loved one. In ways large and small we are reminded of what we ve lost and what will never be the same. Professor Kenneth Doka, who has written extensively on grief, states with regard to celebrations There are two choices to avoid. One is to try to keep the holiday just as it was pretend the loss never occurred. Such a choice is bound to crash in on the reality of our loss. The other choice is to try to escape pretend that the holiday does not exist by ignoring all activities. This too is contrary to what we know and feel. Ignoring the festivities and hanging on until January may be the only thing we feel we can do especially when experiencing our first holidays without a loved one. Loss, however, can bring a deeper sense of appreciation of our loved ones who remain with us and how short our time together can be. This season can be an opportunity to re-evaluate our priorities and focus on what is most important to us. Some traditions may be very meaningful, while others can feel more like chores we do every year just because we have always done them every year. As we reorganize our lives after loss, we may need to adapt the holidays to reflect our new reality. Keeping our hearts and minds open can help us do more than just survive the holidays. Creating some new rituals and traditions, such as lighting a special candle or including a new ornament to commemorate your loved one, can help. Consider having guests bring a dish to pass of a favorite food of your family member. Giving a toast, saying a prayer, sharing a funny story are all ways to include the memory of your loved one in the holidays. Compiling an album or scrapbook on paper or online of favorite holiday photos or memories can be a meaningful activity and a gift for others. Spending time with children in your life can bring a renewed sense of joy. Children may benefit from the continuity that traditions provide if they are grieving the loss also. If the death of your loved one means you will not have someone to celebrate with this year, or family relationships are complicated, many find that helping others in the community can make the holidays feel more significant. Doing something completely different this year going out of town or celebrating with friends, for example can help give the holidays a different feel if our memories of holidays past are difficult. Recognizing our limits is important, however. Grief is hard work, and you will likely not have the energy to do everything you might have done in the past. Saying no to some things may be hard for others to accept, but necessary to maintain balance. Driving yourself to gatherings rather than riding with others may help so you can leave if you need to without disrupting others plans. Keeping in mind that others grieve differently, and may have different needs when it comes to holidays, can help prevent misunderstandings and hurt feelings when expectations clash. Finally, if you find yourself feeling joy this holiday season, remember that being happy isn t a betrayal of your loved one. Bittersweet though they may be, the holidays can become a time to honor and remember our loved ones and carry on their legacy.

2 Signs From The Afterlife By Susan Bachorik, MS, Bereavement Counselor Anyone who has lost a loved one to cancer or other illness, or through accident or traumatic event, will know just how hard an experience it is to get through. If you have lost a loved one who suffered greatly before dying, you may feel a mixture of both deep sorrow and relief upon their death. If it is a sudden, tragic loss, you may question Why him and why now? Having the sense that you feel your loved one s presence during this time may be a bit of a mixed blessing. Whether sudden or prolonged illness, there is a need to know they are okay. Do you talk to your spouse, significant other, parent, daughter, son, grandparent, or best friend who has died? Do they respond? Working as a counselor in the Hospice Grief Center, I have heard many stories from clients who shared how their loved one has tried to connect with them. Of course, there will always be skeptics of this being possible, as people either believe in these things or they don t. It may offer comfort during a difficult time for those who do believe this is possible. As you consider your opinion on this topic, I would like to share some of the signs that I have heard from clients and read about in the literature. Visitation dreams are one of the most reported methods of re-connecting with deceased loved ones. These are often vivid dreams, which you will not easily forget. This may be a way for your loved one to just talk to you, to give a hug, or even to pass on some kind of message. Feeling the touch of a loved one is a common sensation reported by many, especially in the days immediately following their loved one s death. Some describe the sensation as a brush of their hair, a gentle touch on their back or holding their hand. Smelling the fragrance from a deceased loved one is commonly reported. This may include the fragrance of perfume or aftershave, cooking aromas, cigarette or cigar smoke, or flowers. Unexpected electrical activity is viewed by many as a means for the spirit form to manipulate televisions, cell phones, songs on the radio, lights and/or toys to get your attention. Perhaps it is one of these items turning on or off, changing channels, or being moved. Another example could be your phone ringing, but you hear only static when you answer it. Small objects may sometimes appear as a symbolic message or sign. Some people report a spirit likes to place things in our path over and over again that were significant to them or us. This may include small objects such as feathers, coins or stones. Members of the animal world may keep reappearing and have significance, such as a red cardinal, butterfly or ladybug. The more colorful something is, the more noticeable it is. Pay attention to your surroundings. Is there something significant to notice? Many may continue to feel their loved one s presence. Do you believe there could be someone watching over? Above all else, we will always feel their love.

3 Hospice of CNY Upcoming Groups Attending a support group with others who have experienced a similar loss and are having similar reactions may be helpful in processing your feelings. Hospice of CNY support groups are facilitated by professional staff who understand grief and offer insight towards healing during this difficult time. Thanksgiving Hanukkah Christmas Kwanza New Year s Dreading the holidays without your loved one? Join us for Grief and the Holidays Ideas and Support for Coping with Holiday Grief Facilitated by Michelle Gladu, LMSW, Bereavement Counselor Thursday, November 17, pm - 7pm At Hospice of CNY 990 Seventh North St. Liverpool No Need to Register Holiday Memorial Workshop for Adults and Children Monday, December 12, :00 pm to 7:30 pm Facilitators: Joyce Nevola, LMSW and Karen Leshko-Balamut, LMSW Hospice Bereavement Counselors Make a wreath or a luminaria to honor your loved one who has died No experience necessary Supplies provided Bring small momentos, pictures, reminders of your loved one to add meaning to your creation. (Additional craft projects available for children) REGISTRATION IS REQUIRED by Dec. 5th at Please use the Panasci Community Entrance at the back of the building Use the Panasci Community Entrance in the rear of the building at Hospice of CNY. All events held at Hospice of CNY are fully accessible. To check on cancellations due to weather or emergency, call x 307 two hours prior to the event. Spousal/Significant Other Loss Support Group Wednesdays, 1:00 PM-2:30 PM January 11, 18, 25, February 1, 8,15 and 22 Please call to register by January 6th Facilitated by Susan Bachorik, M.S., Bereavement Counselor The Hospice Grief Center Hospice of Central New York provides support for Hospice families for 13 months following the death of their loved one. There is no charge for our services. Community members are welcome to attend workshops and drop-in groups at no charge. Donations are appreciated for community members requesting individual counseling.

4 Dear Friends, For those of us who are grieving the death of a loved one, a question seems to haunt us for weeks or even months after the death: Will things ever return to the way they were? This is a very logical question since our normal daily routines are familiar ones which fill our lives with structure and continuity. A normal daily routine gives us sense of security and support keeping us balanced and ready for any uncertainty. One of the paradoxes in life is the constant change that takes place. Our eyesight changes, so we get glasses, or our hearing begins to fail so we turn up the volume on the radio or TV. These changes are barely perceptible and often so subtle that we incorporate them into our daily life as if they are routine. Death shatters our normalcy-our assumptive world. We yearn for that normalcy that once supported our lives. The loss we experience with the death of a loved one changes our daily routine, that normalcy in our lives. None of us are the same person we were a year ago, a week, or even an hour. Humans are constantly changing and adapting, searching for the balance and stability that keep us centered in life. Some changes require a simple adjustment while others, like the death of a loved one, may require months or even years to find regain our balance and find our new normal. After many sleepless nights and anxious days, we realize that we can never return to our normal way of life because those who made that normalcy possible are no longer present in our lives. So how do we adjust to this change in our lives? What roadmap or plan exists that we can follow? Clearly, there is no simple answer. For many, the path to a new normal lies within each individual who struggles to find meaning in the loss while searching for the balance and support that guided their lives. Once, I had a conversation with a woman who felt deep guilt that she was working so hard to find her new normal. She said that she experienced feelings of betrayal as she made new friendships and returned to activities that she had to put on hold during her husband s illness. I asked the woman to repeat her wedding vows. At first, she laughed and dismissed my request. After a few moments, she began to repeat them word for word except she had forgotten the last line. I reminded her that she forgot the last part. With a puzzled look on her face, she asked which part? So I said the words, till death do us part. Those words unlocked a hidden door that seemed a blur in the deep recesses of her mind. She looked with astonishment, and then said, That s right. We are married until one of us dies so there is no guilt. I am not abandoning my husband I m moving forward in life. She was right on the mark. She was in search of her new normal and experiencing all the challenges and joys that go with any journey. Death is not the end of life. For those who are grieving, we are given an opportunity to find our way back, to a new normal, so we can continue our journey and live life to its fullest. In so doing, we keep the memory of our loved ones alive in our hearts and in the stories we share. Matthew P. Binkewicz, MA, FT Upcoming Events at Hospice of the Finger Lakes Annual Light up a Life Tree Lighting Ceremony December 1, pm at Hoopes Park Clubhouse & Gazebo Visit our web-site: for more details Bereavement Support Group December 1 & December pm Hospice of the Finger Lakes 1130 Corporate Dr., Auburn, NY For more information call

5 Healing Hearts Kids and Teens Corner The Holidays and Supporting Grieving Children and Teens By Gail Longcore, LCSW-R The experience of grief is difficult every day, but it can be especially challenging for children and teens to cope during the holidays. Family traditions that have previously brought joy and comfort have now changed without the presence of a loved one. It is helpful to talk with your children about the upcoming holiday season, as knowing what to expect reduces their fears and concerns. Include their participation in what activities they want to attend or not. Discuss what family traditions or customs you and your children want to remain the same or those you want to eliminate, at least for now. Some traditions offer comfort and closeness to loved ones, while other traditions may feel too painful. How can you help? Consider the opportunity to begin new rituals that may offer meaning for you and your child. Participation in activities with your child which embrace the memory of their loved one offers a path to hope and healing. Here are some activities you might include over the holidays: Make a construction paper chain garland to hang in your home. On each piece, write a reason why you are thankful to have had your loved one in your life. Gift wrap a box and cut a slot in the top. On pieces of paper, ask each family member to answer the following questions, and place the written answers in the box: My favorite holiday memory of my special person is, If my special person were here for the holiday, I would, My wish for the New Year is At a special time, gather as a family to unwrap the box and read out loud what has been written. Consider volunteering as a family to a charity over the holidays. Offering compassion to others in need teaches children the importance of caring for each other during difficult times. Include a fun activity in your loved one s memory or honor. Considering doing something that your loved one enjoyed doing, such as: going sledding, attending a favorite holiday play or concert, going to the zoo, baking cookies or making snow angels. Together, make a holiday ornament or luminary in memory of the person who died. Donate a toy to a charity that helps children. Let your child/teen select, and if able, purchase the toy, and wrap it. Include your child in taking the toy to the organization that was selected and share that it is donated in honor of the memory of (your relationship to your loved one).

6 Hospice of Central New York 990 Seventh North Street Liverpool, NY Non-Proft Org. US Postage Paid Permit No. 24 Syracuse, NY Current Resident Calendar of Events Hospice of CNY: Grief and the Holidays Nov. 17 Holiday Memorial Workshop Dec. 12 Spousal/Significant Other Loss Support Group Starting Jan. 11, 2017 Hospice of the Finger Lakes: Bereavement Support Group December 1 & 8, 2016 Articles Inside Signs From The Afterlife Holiday Grief The Holidays and Supporting Grieving Children and Teens Hospice of Central New York complies with applicable Federal civil rights laws and does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, national origin, age, disability, or sex. Hospice of Central New York cumple con las leyes federales de derechos civiles aplicables y no discrimina por motivos de raza, color, nacionalidad, edad, discapacidad o sexo. ATENCIÓN: si habla español, tiene a su disposición servicios gratuitos de asistencia lingüística. Llame al Hospice of Central New York 遵守適用的聯邦民權法律規定, 不因種族 膚色 民族血統 年齡 殘障或性別而歧視任何人 注意 : 如果您使用繁體中文, 您可以免費獲得語言援助服務 請致電 If you do not want to receive the Pathways newsletters, please call